Ex's mother is dieing...

[therealshrek]

My gf left me back in May and I haven't had any contact with her since except for in August when we had to talk about money I had loaned her.

 

In mid September, I happened to be visiting my parents and I got a call from the ex's mother. She asked how I was doing and wanted to know when I'd be in town. I informed her I was actually in town at that very moment and she asked if I'd come over and have dinner with her and she wanted to discuss something with me. I agreed.

 

I arrived at her home and was greeted by her and by the ex's sisters. I was quite close with my ex's mother and she loved me a lot. I even had my own room at their home. Her mother referred to me as "the son she never had." We sat down and talked over dinner, just catching up on the last couple months. Sitting in that house brought me down so much. Everything reminded me of the ex (obviously, its her mother's home) and I could barely sit still because I just wanted to jolt out of there. Talking with her mother also hurt a lot because she would bring up the ex during conversation. After dinner, she became very quiet and told me she had something important she wanted to discuss with me.

 

She asked if I had remembered the tiny bit of cancer she had and I nodded. She had some sort of stomach cancer and had had several surgeries while I was dating the ex. Each surgery got rid of the cancer for a small amount of time, but it would always come back, stronger than before. She informed me she was getting treated for it, but apparently it wasn't working. She then dropped the bomb on me that the doctor's had told her that she had a slim chance of the cancer going away and that she may not have a lot of time left... to enjoy life, to take that dream vacation, etc. My heart dropped and I didn't even know what to say...

 

I sat there, tears building in my eyes, my mind at a blank. I scratched the back of my head for at least a minute, as if doing so would help conjure up the right response. She told me she didn't want me to fret over it, but that she felt I should know, since I had been a part of her family for the last several years. All I could muster up was, "I'm so sorry... is there anything I can do?" She shook her head and replied with, "I'm just worried about my girls."

 

She then went on to explain how my ex wasn't the same person anymore, she wasn't the loving, responsible daughter she had raised. She was so hurt that my ex had changed into something her mother had raised her NOT to be. I had no response to that either.

 

I felt so helpless and terrible. I hadn't had any contact with my ex's mother because it only hurt me to do so. The ex's mother told me she hadn't contacted me since May because she thought that I may hate her and she knew that talking to her would only open wounds (which it did). She wanted to tell me all this because she didn't want to die with me thinking that she hated me. She told me, "please don't forget that we will always be your family, no matter what." All I could say was, "If you ever need anything, don't hesitate to ask. You are like my second mother." After I left, I relapsed really really hard for about a week. I told myself I couldn't go back to her house, for my own sake.

 

Now two months have passed and I haven't had any contact with her at all. I can't bring myself to call her or stop by her house to see how she is doing. I can't because it just makes me so depressed and I know I'll relapse really hard. Yet, I feel like a selfish, cold-hearted bast*rd because here she is, dieing, and I haven't even taken a minute of my day to call and see how she is doing. I couldn't even muster up the power to call and wish her a Happy Thanksgiving. My friend told me that since she hasn't even made an attempt to contact me (even on my bday) that I shouldn't worry about contacting her... yet, I still feel like a jerk.

 

I think I may write her a letter and mail it to her. I wouldn't have to talk to her, see her, see the house, anything like that. I could just let her know that I hope she is doing better and that she's in my heart. I don't know...

 

I really needed to get that off my chest... its been eating me alive...

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

So how long were you and the ex together?

 

In a way I can see that people get attached to their relative's bfs/gfs, but in a way I kind of think the mother betrayed her daughter.

 

(Well I don't know the whole story though), but I thought fam was supposed to stick together, and respect eachothers' decisions and whatnot.

[CarnelianButterfly]

I think the letter sounds like a good idea. It will let her know you still care and that your heart is still with her, but because the memories at the house are so strong it won't be so detrimental to your mental state.

[therealshrek]

So how long were you and the ex together?

 

In a way I can see that people get attached to their relative's bfs/gfs, but in a way I kind of think the mother betrayed her daughter.

 

(Well I don't know the whole story though), but I thought fam was supposed to stick together, and respect eachothers' decisions and whatnot.

 

we were together just under 4 years... and what do you mean the mother betrayed the daughter? by keeping in contact with me?

[laboheme]

As I was reading the post, I was thinking that you should send her a letter...And then I got to the part where you say just that. I really do think it's a good idea, it shows that you care, but doesn't require you to have any kind of painful direct interaction. Of course, even sending the letter may provoke an emotional response...But I feel like a well-chosen cards with a few well-written sentences is just enough to let her know that you're wishing her the very best.

[therealshrek]

thanks CarnelianButterfly and laboheme

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

we were together just under 4 years... and what do you mean the mother betrayed the daughter? by keeping in contact with me?

 

Yes, and again, it depends on your situation, but because if I broke up with a guy and my mother went behind my back and phoned him and had him over for dinner, and told him bad things about me, I don't think that would be too cool.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Yes, and again, it depends on your situation, but because if I broke up with a guy and my mother went behind my back and phoned him and had him over for dinner, and told him bad things about me, I don't think that would be too cool.

 

But she didn't tell him bad things, she just mentioned her daughter. Its not really going behind the daughters back. The daughter was how he met the mother, but the daughter isn't the center of the world, there are other relationships that can form outside of his and the daughter's. They may have broken up, but that doesn't neutralize the feelings of every other person involved. This woman genuinely cares about him.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

But she didn't tell him bad things, she just mentioned her daughter. Its not really going behind the daughters back. The daughter was how he met the mother, but the daughter isn't the center of the world, there are other relationships that can form outside of his and the daughter's. They may have broken up, but that doesn't neutralize the feelings of every other person involved. This woman genuinely cares about him.

 

She then went on to explain how my ex wasn't the same person anymore, she wasn't the loving, responsible daughter she had raised. She was so hurt that my ex had changed into something her mother had raised her NOT to be.

 

Actually she did put her daughter down, and actually, I would expect more allegiance from my mother towards me than towards some guy that I'd dated for a couple months or even a couple years, and found not treating me well enough to keep. And that has nothing to do with placing myself at the center of her universe, it's just simple loyalty.

 

However, as I've said (three times now), I do not know the specifics of Shreks situation such as time involved, or what exactly the daughter did, or the circumstances of their break up. Now if he tells me that she treated him like crap for years, cheated on him, then left him for another guy that would be just one of many scenarios in which I could understand the mother's dissappointment in the daughter's behavior.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Actually she did put her daughter down, and actually, I would expect more allegiance from my mother towards me than towards some guy that I'd dated for a couple months or even a couple years, and found not treating me well enough to keep. And that has nothing to do with placing myself at the center of her universe, it's just simple loyalty.

 

However, as I've said (three times now), I do not know the specifics of Shreks situation such as time involved, or what exactly the daughter did, or the circumstances of their break up. Now if he tells me that she treated him like crap for years, cheated on him, then left him for another guy that would be just one of many scenarios in which I could understand the mother's dissappointment in the daughter's behavior.

 

But his break up isn't under consideration, its his relationship with her mother, who obviously still sees him as a friend.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

But his break up isn't under consideration, its his relationship with her mother, who obviously still sees him as a friend.

 

Right, but that's not really my point. I just don't see why mom's going behind daughters back like that.

 

Aside from that, Shrek is in a bad spot with this either way. He's not going to feel comfortable hanging around his ex's fam (most people wouldn't). OP, I think you should just telephone now and then, if you're even comfortable doing that. Going over is bound to be uncomfortable, and stir up bad memories.

[renaissancewoman101]

I agree with CB, I do think sending her a letter is a good, kind and compassionate thing. She thinks quite well of you, even though her daughter broke up with you. She's dying and considers you a friend. The fact that she is dying, trumps everything else, and, as a friend, it is NOT wrong for you to send a card or letter.

 

In fact it is the compassionate thing to do because she thought well of you, irregardless of the relationship you had with her daughter. YOU guys are friends and it would do her good to hear from you in her time of need.

 

Good luck

[therealshrek]

However, as I've said (three times now), I do not know the specifics of Shreks situation such as time involved, or what exactly the daughter did, or the circumstances of their break up.

exactly, you dont know the situation and how much her daughter changed for the worse. also, i didn't post this thread for someone to discuss if my friendship with the mother is right or wrong... i posted up to ask if I'm being a real douchebag for not keeping in contact with her and how I should keep in contact with her for her sake and my own.

 

thanks all

[CarnelianButterfly]

exactly, you dont know the situation and how much her daughter changed for the worse. also, i didn't post this thread for someone to discuss if my friendship with the mother is right or wrong... i posted up to ask if I'm being a real douchebag for not keeping in contact with her and how I should keep in contact with her for her sake and my own.

 

thanks all

 

You're not being a douchebag (I hate that term)! I think you are being kind to a person who cares for you. The daughter doesn't matter right now. You're showing compassion for a sick woman, that's never a bad thing.