TheRock Posted November 20, 2006 Share Posted November 20, 2006 Hey, I have a question, and maybe some single Mom's can give advice here or anyone dating a single parent. How should I handle my girlfriends daughter? She is three and I find her annoying. I have been with my girlfriend for over a year now, and we have grown together well and the relationship is very good. She has a three year old daughter that has been kind of cold to me since the beginning (I admit, I was cold too in the beginning). At first, I gave her plenty of space because I was a stranger. But things have not changed too much. She is very moody with me and even when I am trying to be fun and playful, she is sulky. I am growing more and more annoyed with this little girl and am thinking that this could be a bad thing for the relationship. I have tried as best as I could to open up to this little girl and be playful and nice. She responds seldomly and usually reverts back to being moody in short peeriods of time. She is all about her mom. This has been going on since my girlfriend and I started dating. So for me, I am having a hard time envisioning being around this little girl if things got more serious between me and my girlfriend. I compare her daughter to other little children like my nieces and nephews who are about the same age, and my friends kids, and I think all these other kids are just plain nicer children than her daughter. I would like to make things work, but I do not know how to handle this situation. Any thoughts? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CarnelianButterfly Posted November 20, 2006 Share Posted November 20, 2006 When she becomes sulky, how do you respond? Do you continue to be friendly? Have you talked to your GF about this, voiced your concerns? Maybe both of you working jointly encouraging her to play and be social with you could change her mood. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melrich Posted November 20, 2006 Share Posted November 20, 2006 OK while I can kind of understand your feelings you have to remember it is not this little girl's fault and it has nothing to do with her "niceness" or otherwise. You are the man mommy has brought home and is taking mommy's attention away from her. So I think you have played it OK so far. Don't be too pushy or try to "win" her over by leveraging a relationship that isn't there. Kids know it when you are trying to curry favor. What I would ask you is what has your g/f told her daughter? Who are you to this little girl and what sense of permanency has been attached to you? Whilst I think it is great that you are trying to make that relationship with the daughter work, really it has got to be her mom that takes responsibility positioning things with her daughter. have you spoken to her mom about your feelings re. her daughter? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheRock Posted November 20, 2006 Author Share Posted November 20, 2006 Sometimes I stay in good good and brush it off and stay friendly, but sometimes I am inwardly annoyed. The little girl usually just wants to do her own thing and be with her Mom. we have talked about this before, but and that is when I picked up trying to be more friendly and nice. I made a serious effort. I noticed some improvement for a short time, but it seems to be going back to the old ways now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Bugg Posted November 20, 2006 Share Posted November 20, 2006 I agree with Melrich. Kids are a LOT smarter than you might think they are...even at a very young age. You should see how some of them talk to their parents at my store..and how they manipulate them.....anyway ..sorry that's another rant Do you have children of your own? I have no children and I can SORT of see where you're coming from...but you gotta remember...dating a single mom is a package deal. Kids come along with the package. Are you SURE you are REALLY being "friendly" with her or are you just "faking" it to keep the peace? Look inward..and see what YOU are projecting to her? I also agree that you need to talk to your g/f about your concerns...I would wonder what she may have said to her daughter concerning you...or even what her daughter has said to her. Communicate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheRock Posted November 20, 2006 Author Share Posted November 20, 2006 As for what the MOm has told her: She did tell her that I am an important part of the family and that the daughter should treat me with the same respect as her mom. after more than a year, I would have expected some warming up. I mean the daughter was only two when we met and there were no concepts of who is this new man entering my mom's life. From the daughter point of view, it should be like I have been around almost her whole life. I think Mom is a little light on consequences of poor behavior though, so the daughter can act rudely without too much repercussions. The little girl is fairly well behaved, but seems to be rude to other people. She ignores many people even if she understands them and they are just saying hello. She does it to me and I get annoyed now after all this time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blender Posted November 20, 2006 Share Posted November 20, 2006 She's only three years old, she is just a baby.. she doesn't even know or understand empathy or her effect on someone else's emotions, she only understands her own universe... give it some time... try to be more 'understanding" instead of wanting a three year old to grasp an understanding of YOU, for now she's just to young to think of anything but Mommy, that is her world, her security, and now she has to share it all with you, so give her a bit of break.. she's only three. It's normal at times for you to find her annoying, that's just part of the growing pains of dating a single parent.. it will pass.. I know it's tough, some kids are just that way for a bit, but she will grow out of it, she will come to know you, be comfortable around you, just be consistent and kind... and remember she is ONLY three.. her world is confusing right now, daddy, mom, boyfriend.. it's just going to take time.. When in doubt with a three year old, just always ask them questions about themselves.. that is the best approach.. ask her about her day, ask her what her friends names are, does she have names for her stuffed animals, are those new shoes, do you like when it's rainy out or do you like when it's sunny better.. what songs do you like to sing, do you like to dance, etc.. This makes the child feel empowered, and they start to feel like you are actually interested in THEM... it will make her look forward to seeing you, and talking to you, there is nothing more powerful for a child then a grown up who will ask them questions and then listen to their wayward, sweet, innocent answers.. even if the first hundred questions get you a "no".. just keep asking about her life, her day, her new shoes, her pretty t-shirt, her favorite color.. etc.. try it, see what happens.. it just might be the bridge to comfort you are both seeking... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheRock Posted November 20, 2006 Author Share Posted November 20, 2006 No. I don't have kids of my own, so i have no experience with how they act normally at certain ages. I admit that sometimes I do fake being nice, but it is becoming harder and harder to actually be nice. This is why I want to find some solutions. I do realize this is a three year old girl, but I don't think I will ever have the same feelings that her mom has for her. That is simply because i am not the natural father. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LostInMyThoughts Posted November 20, 2006 Share Posted November 20, 2006 Thats got to be a touch situation to be in. Two things, just give it time. Secondly, remember she's only three years old. Try not to take it too personally. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melrich Posted November 20, 2006 Share Posted November 20, 2006 The little girl is fairly well behaved, but seems to be rude to other people. At 3 years old, even though her behaviour may come accross as rude, she does not uunderstand it that way. From what you are telling me, I am guesing this little girl has low self-esteem which leads her to be very wary of other people. She also sounds as though she may be quite an anxious child and I am guessing the ambiguity of your relationship with her mom is not helpingg any of that. Do you live with them? This is going to sound far fetched but she knows about mommys and daddys. She knows you are not her daddy so she probably think daddy has left her. She will fear abandonment and she will not invest in relationships easily for fear that those people too will leave her. Now I am not saying she consciously thinks all these things. It is more what she will subconsciously perceive. I stick by my previous post. Her mom needs to have a serious talk with her. One taht addresses dad, you, mom and the daughter. If you don't already do it, you need to let the daughter know that you care for her and that you are happy she is in your life. Try and do lots of stuff just you and her. Mom should have the responsibility for discipline etc. Your responsibility is to build your relationship with the daughter. Try not to take her behaviour personally. There is really no maliciousness in kids this age. She only behaves this way because she does not know how else to cope with what are distressing issues for her. Being a step parent is one of the toughest gigs in the book. Be prepared for a lot of pain and not much pay off, especially in the early years. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheRock Posted November 20, 2006 Author Share Posted November 20, 2006 Blender, that is good advice. I will try, but it is hard sometimes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melrich Posted November 20, 2006 Share Posted November 20, 2006 I do realize this is a three year old girl, but I don't think I will ever have the same feelings that her mom has for her. That is simply because i am not the natural father. No you won't and you should not put that pressure on yourself. If you stick it out you will come to love her and she will love you too, though she may not show it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AwdreeHpburn Posted November 20, 2006 Share Posted November 20, 2006 Hey Rock - Here's the GOOD news. She won't be 3 forever. Or even 4. She's just going to keep getting older and older. And If you DON'T work at making things OK between you now, you WILL have a very difficult teenager on your hands. I know 3 is a tough age. They are trying soooo hard to figure things out. Obvioulsy it's annoying for those of us not in their heads, but she is learning all the time and this is when she really needs guidance and support. Well...she always will, but this is when she figures out from whom she can depend on for it. Best of luck to you. You are in a difficult situation, but it's not an impossible one. I wish the best for both of you and hope you learn to get along. You could have a friend for life, or a miserable forever.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Bugg Posted November 20, 2006 Share Posted November 20, 2006 Rock.....I can understand where you're coming from. Blender makes some very valid points.....she is only three years old. It is kind of hard to reason with a three year old.....about ANYthing...let alone how to act or behave. I have a read that a child's personality is not fully developed until the age of five....so give her some time to adjust to you. How often are you around her? Frequently? Do you stay over a lot? Do you only see her mom on weekends? I ask this because if you are not around much...then she simmply may NOT be seeing you consistently enough to "bond' with you. Kids NEED that security at a young age. It is NOT YOUR responsibility to make her feel that way....unless you are planning on marrying her mother. You are right...you are NOT her natural father, nor should you be expected to be. So don't add unnecessary pressure on yourself...or your relationship. My question is....if you have been dating her mother for over a year..then you must know her daughter will always be there. Are you considering marrying her? I think the advice you receive would also vary depending on your answer to this question. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blender Posted November 20, 2006 Share Posted November 20, 2006 really Ladybugg, don't you think the advice would be the same? We all need to learn how to interact with three year olds at times.. and it starts with the understanding that emotionally they are only aware of thier own needs, that is survival, empathy is not developed until between the ages of five and seven.. this is when they learn that others are effected by them.. It's only been a year dating, and now is about the time that he'd be getting to spend more time around her daughter..and whether the two of you ever get married or not, it doesn't matter, what matters right now is that he gets comfortable and realistic about the potential of a three year old to engage in a meaningful friendship with him, again, it's important to remember at three the "empathy" does not even registar.. until then they are in thier own unique world..figuring things out moment to moment.. and most of the time they just want to be with Mommy and feel safe and loved and have all her attention.. that's just normal... so when you're with her, make her the center of your attention too...for now that will make both of you more comfortable around each other.. she will grow past all this.. and so will you... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Bugg Posted November 20, 2006 Share Posted November 20, 2006 Well actually....no, I don't think the advice would be the same...because if he is having doubts about her after a year....then HE needs to rethink the choice of pursuing this further..because the fact IS...the little girl is STILL going to be in the picture...regardless of her "empathy" skills....and being 3,4,5,.....or whatever. Some people simply are not cut out for being a parent...let alone a step parent..and there is NOTHING wrong with that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Bugg Posted November 20, 2006 Share Posted November 20, 2006 Oh....and I wanted to add...if this is an issue for him with her being only THREE..imagine if she were a snot nosed teenager....mouthing off, mood swings.....oh yeah...fun times. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LostInMyThoughts Posted November 20, 2006 Share Posted November 20, 2006 Oh....and I wanted to add...if this is an issue for him with her being only THREE..imagine if she were a snot nosed teenager....mouthing off, mood swings.....oh yeah...fun times. Hehe, yeah. Luckily for girls, it's the moms who really have it rough when daughters become teens. Us dads just need to scare the crap outta potential boyfriends. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Bugg Posted November 20, 2006 Share Posted November 20, 2006 Haha Lost.....yeah..sit home cleaning the guns when they bring them over... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AwdreeHpburn Posted November 20, 2006 Share Posted November 20, 2006 I agree LadyBugg. He needs to learn to deal with this child as a PERSON - not a three year old, not a four year old and not a moody, pre-menstrual teenager, but a person who is in his life and shares the attention of the same woman. OR he needs to decide if it's not for him. And I ALSO agree that its NOT for everybody and if he's one of the one's not cut out for it, there is NOTHING wrong with that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shadows Light Posted November 20, 2006 Share Posted November 20, 2006 What type of relationship does she have with her Natural Father??? is he involved at all? is he/was he an abusive man.. that this child could have a fear of men and be weary? Does her father know you are dating the mother??? Has the father said anything to the child??? I have a little bit of this going on in my life, where the father is messing with my kids heads about who is in their lives. NOT a good thing. If the father is NOT in the picture... then this child could be afraid or have problems forming bonds... she clings to the mother because of fear of abandonment. Kids need security and predictability in their lives. They need constants and they will cling to contants. You are dating the mother.... but have you included the child on dates? Made special dates just with her? such as taking her to a kids restaurant or McDonalds playland. How do you treat her on holidays?? Do you take interest in her life? Know what her favorite toy is... her favorite Disney Charachter? her favorite disney show? Do you know what she wants for Christmas this year? is she excited about Xmas? It really is up to the mother how far she allows you into this childs life... its a package deal you are getting. No you are not her natural father... but you can be a male role model for her. Don't take her briqueness personally. You set the tone for the relationship. If you intend to stick around... she "will" come around. But YOU need to nurture the relationship... and figure her out. Persistance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now