Love and Virginity

[Jim Dunlop]

This is a stab in the dark, but I'm looking for someone who can identify with my situation -- at least somewhat.

 

Three months ago I met this fantastic girl. We'll call her "Jane". Everything clicked the instant we met on our first date; we both have engineering degrees, we both like cultural events and hiking, we come from similar religious backgrounds, we're both 27, etc. On our second date, I was 90% sure she was The One. A little over a month later I was 100% sure she was The One. The only reason I've backed off slightly is because she doesn't seem to be quite as in love with me as I am with her and I don't want to get completely devastated if she decides against the whole thing.

 

Jane is wonderful -- highly intelligent, decent sense of humor (usually), strong-willed, beautiful, nice family, willing to join my church...I want to marry her.

 

In my early teens I made the decision NEVER to have extramarital sexual intercourse. I dated off and on in college but stayed true to my decision, although I've done "other things". I like to think that I've always loved my future wife because I've saved myself for her.

 

Here's the problem: Jane has had sex before. About 3 weeks into the relationship she told me about it and cried because she was afraid I'd leave her. I told her that I wouldn't throw away everything we have just because she made a decision she regrets (which she does). I put it out of my mind and concentrated on letting our relationship blossom.

 

As I become more and more certain I want to propose to her, I am faced with the stark reality that when I marry her I will be giving her something that she won't be able to give in return. I try to rationalize it, but it still hurts and I think about it almost daily. I feel somewhat "cheated", if that makes any sense, because I had opportunities where I could have convinced girlfriends to have sex but I never did. It almost makes me want to go out and get a hooker just so Jane and I can be "on the same page". Isn't that silly?

 

I don't want to think premarital sex is a big issue, because then I feel like a second-class citizen compared to her "first one". I don't want to think it's a small issue, because then why did I save myself?

 

I know a lot of you won't be able to understand because a lot of you have had sex before, probably with several partners. I guess I'm looking for someone who's in a similar situation, or even someone who's been through it and is now married. I am not going to leave her because of this; I just want to heal the pain I feel because I will never be anyone's "one and only". I'm thinking I'll probably feel better once I actually have sex with her someday. I am trying to hold it in and NOT to talk to Jane about it because I don't want to hurt her feelings or make her feel like a "slut", "dirty", etc.

[orangechicken]

hey jim, i have the same values as you.

 

i'm saving my virginity for marriage because i feel it's something not worth taking lightly. It upsets me that all my college buddies have had sex, often casual sex, and think nothing of it. For me, it's very important, and i'm hoping the person i end up marrying has the same values.

 

i'm 18 and left for college about 4 months ago, and me and my girlfriend decided that we should break up for college because the distance was too great. I was in love with that girl, and i regret my decision. Everyday i worry that she'll have sex with someone that she might fall in love with. It bothers the hell out of me, because we had something special and had many opportunities to have sex, but decided it wasn't the right place or time. We said that in 2 years we'll start dating again, and hopefully never break up. I hope she waits for me.

 

We broke up at the height of our relationship, so there are no bitter feelings at all, but i still worry.

 

To get to the point, i can relate to how you feel about virginity. It's hard to value it so much in a society that is so sexual. I'm glad you stuck to your values, and i'm sure your (future) wife Jane appreciates your gift, and will do everything to reciprocate it in whatever way she can.. good luck, tell me what you think

[romantic sweetheart]

Hello Jim. I completely understand your situation. I am a virgin and am waiting for marriage. Although I have had physical experience, I have decided, based on my faith and values and morals, that I will be a virgin when I am married. The people I have seen in the past, on the otherhand, have been fully intimate with people before me. I expeienced the exact same feelings you are upon finding out in my very first relationship. This first boyfriend told me he was a virgin, but later confessed he had been with his past girlfriend. When I found out, I was devestated and couldn't get the thought out of my mind. I wanted us to be on "equal" planes, and felt cheated.

 

Eventually that relationship ended, but I went on to find other romances, and most of them had also already had sex. I soon discovered though that this was no measure to how passionate, loving and devoted they were to me. In fact, it sometimes seemed that although they had slept with other girls, they were less experienced in what true physcial contact was all about. Speaking from these life lessons, I know that it it seems so hard to get over that a special person hasn't waited and we won't be their first. But believe me, you WILL be the first true love your girlfriend has ever had. I can almost surely say she never even thinks of the boyfriend she was intimate with. I have been in intimate situations with other people, but they are very vague memories that fade and fade, and when a true, strong love comes into life, they practically disappear.

 

It seems impssible to forget that lovers have had other lovers. I was in a relationship recently where every now and then I would have these thoughts and feel stabs of jealousy and sadness that he wasn't a virgin like me. But these feelings dissipated when I reminded myself that he had chosen me to love and the people of his past were just that--the past.

It helps that he said I was the best lover he had ever had despite the fact I had boundaries becasue of what I believe. I am positive your girlfriend loves you very much and you are her one and only desire. I firmly believe that true love makes us brand new and so we all become "virgins" when refreshed by new, positive love in our lives. Smetimes I think that virginity is more than a choice, it is also a fram eof mind. Your girlfriend has decided to be a virgin with you. I applaud your decision to wait, and your girlfrien certainly respects and loves you because she too is waiting with you. So enjoy this special time in your lives and now that desire will be all the more passionate and rewarding that you both are waiting for sacred marriage .

[Jim Dunlop]

Thank you both; your words are very encouraging and I needed this forum/anonimity because this is not something I can talk about with my friends, family, priest, etc. because I respect Jane's privacy and don't want to tell people the details of our intimacy.

 

Please feel free to email or ICQ if you want to talk further. I love to tell everyone about how wonderful my girlfriend is!

 

30165246

email removed

(oh well, there goes the anonimity)

[simulacra]

Why don't you make love to Jane? If you see her as the one (ie. future wife) you would want to give yourself to her in the end anyway, right? The past is the past. When you two make love to each other for the first time, it will be the start of something new. If it is love that you feel for her, then it will feel right whether it's before or after you get married. (And by saying this, I don't mean to disregard your strong values.) Plus, after you've lost your virginity to her, you will be on equal grounds.

 

Good luck.

[Jim Dunlop]

No.

[mjm1694]

Wow Jim, I read your words and I cant believe we are in the exact same situation. I decided as a teen that I was going to save myself for marriage. I am 22 years old now, and I have been successful in not having sex, even though Ive had the opportunity multiple times. I feel like its one of the hardest things Ive ever done in my life, and I deserve a partner who has respected me like Ive respected her.

 

I met a wonderful girl, I love everything about her and our relationship. The one and only thing that has absolutely been breaking my heart is that she has had sex before. She has been honest about it from the beginning, and shes told me it was a mistake she regrets and she has told me she is sorry for. We have the same beliefs and she knew what she was doing was wrong to her. She has had sex with two different guys. I feel exactly what you feel. I feel like I am giving her something she cant ever give me, no matter how much I wish it, I wake up everyday, and it cant be changed. I do think about it everyday, and it is killing me. This pain Im feeling tells me how much I really do love and care about her, becuase I know she was hurt by her bad decision too, and I hate to think about her being hurt.

 

I want you to know you arent the only one, and I understand that its not something you can talk about with family, or even friends because you want to respect her privacy. Its great to be in love, but this is a situation that I never thought I could find someone in and talk about with to get any support with.

 

I often wonder if anything will be different after we are married because of this. Ive wondered if alot of this pain and hurt im feeling will go away after we do have sex. Because I am saving myself, and because you are saving yourself, it seems it is something we cant know til one of does it, or until someone who has been in our situation and been through it can help us. I would love to hear from someone who has...Ill be praying about it.

 

I know that its been awhile since you posted this so I want to ask have you found a better way of dealing with it? Are you engaged to her yet? Thanks Jim and I look forward to hearing from you.

[Kil]

WOW I have been looking for a thread like this all over the internet. I lost my virginity at 21 to this really good 20 year old girl, but it kills me every time I think she has been having sex since she was 16. She's had 4 different partners, and had a boyfriend for 3 years who she slept with regularly. This fact grosses me out a lot, and I never shared with her I lost my virginity to her to not seem like a loser. I just can't imagine getting married to someone who has had previous sex, to me it seems like finishing a hamburger someone else took the first bite out of. I really want to go and get on even terms with her as everyone else is saying, but I have strong feelings for her and would hate to hurt her or jeapordize our relationship. I know nothing can change her past, and I am just venting, just my whole opinion towards marriage has changed drastically these past 6 months.

[EmptySoul]

hello... i think if you really love this girl you need to look past her previous relationships, unless you are willing to give this up because of that. (think about it, are you?) i know how you feel, i havent considered marriage yet, but just thinking about previous things when i had boyfriends that were not virgins about made me sick. when two people love each other or really care about each other, it will be hard to not think people of th past, but all that matters is NOW, you and her, what you and her did, not what people before did. you cant change the past, but the future is up to you...

 

EmptySoul

[HollyBells]

wo! hold there! you guys are so not fair to her. I am a girl, I am waiting for marriage too, I am 18 in college. I have had plenty of bf, and I never get pass 2nd base, 'cause I think virgin also has mental meaning to it, but anyway. All the guys I've been with were not virgins and it did not gross me out at all. If you have made the decision of being a virgin you should not impose it on the other person too, or expect them to be the same. It is your desicion, and part of it, is to except the other person as they are, otherwise you are making it into something other than it really is: a gift, something that needs no return. Especially if you love the person the way you all claim to! Its just guy's psyche I guess

[vix]

it makes me angry that you would make this girl cry cos she had had sex with someone else before you even knew her !!! Why on earth should she feel bad for doing something that probably felt right at the time for her.

You are punishing this girl when she has absolutely nothing to be ashamed about.

It seems to me that you are feeling insecure because you are a virgin and she isn't. If this girl is as lovely as you say she is then you are a FOOL for finishing her just because of this. get over it

[orangechicken]

bump...just wanna see what more people have to say about this issue...thanks

[sprkal]

From reading Jim's first post, it would seem that there is a bit of male pride going on here. I think Some of your issues with the fact that your girlfriend is not a virgin could be based on a worry that you mightnt be as good as her first, that she is more experienced than you, that you may not satisfy her... etc etc. Regardless of whether this is the case or not, I would recommend that you share all your worries and feelings with her. There is a huge likelihood that her first time was not all that great, and that if the two of you do get married, that you will learn to satisfy and enjoy eachother far better.

 

I respect your choice in remaining a virgin, and I'm proud of you that you were not judgemental to your girlfriend. It shows that you care alot for her.

 

I hope you find peace of mind over this matter... and goodluck!

[r3dm4n]

i think very highly of sex n dont sleep around fact is ive not had sex in over 3 year but it dosnt bothe rme to much cause i know its just not right ithout it being with the right type of person n believe me ive had the opitunity on several times to endulge in the act it self, but i dont believe in savin my self for marriage, i lost my virginity to a girl of whome i loved very much n had a deep n long lasting relationship with, i think that sex is somthing that is not to be talen lightly but at the same time it something that u should share with a the select few people that u know are worth it , n i believe if u think this woman is worth it u should make love to her as it is as i see an ecpression of ur feelings n a physical form,

[Mermaid_gurl]

I read your post but not the advice after it so forgive me if I'm repeating something. I'm a 16-yr-old virgin and have never been in your sitch but am trying to put myself there. My values are kind of like yours but a little looser since i have no idea what the future will bring. But anyway, you have to consider Jane's feelings. She was raised in a different setting than you right? She was raised around different values, correct? So, she made a mistake when she didnt know you which she now regrets and feels badly to you for. Someone else may have her virginity but by marrying her, you get her heart and soul which must make up the difference somehow. You may have self pity now.... actually, more like jealousy, because you didn't have someone else, but these feelings are kind of selfish and show a hint of unloyalty to her. She's SORRY and doesnt want you to leave her. Take up the value of forgiveness, marry her, and move passed this.

(Sorry for the tough love lol)