"Love your neighbor as yourself". What if they're poison?

[lecoquine]

I have an old friend and there is no balance. I feel he takes more than he gives. He's a good person, but also has flaws. He guilt-trips me, he's angry most of the time and he insults me.

 

I've changed a lot and grew apart without him realizing it, and I feel he's continuing to undercut me. I feel stuck when I'm with him.

 

I don't want to be manipulated and be a puppet friend. I want to leave. However, there's 2 reasons holding me back to break this friendship.

 

1) Loyalty.

2) "you must love your neighbor as yourself"

 

I have access to him, and I feel a moral obligation to love him, despite how he makes me feel, and his unwillingness to change his anger.

 

I want to love, and I see the good side in him so it's easier to love. But ... it's hard when I'm suffering, feeling manipulated, and breathing this poisoned air.

 

So the question is this; when does a friendship get to a point where you MUST leave despite of the idea of loyalty and loving others as yourself?

 

I'm not christian but what would Jesus do?

[Alabama]

You need to leave this friendship. No one deserves to be treated like this, and although it is a good philosophy, I do not think it always fits with the reality and your friend has no right in treating you like this. So, I am sure you can find other friends who will treat you better, unless your friend changes their ways, it is best to part.

[Beec]

I don't think you need to leave this, I do think you need to change it.

 

How would you want to be treated by a friend, if you were in his position? That's the real way to find your answer. I think I would be telling him something. He would be told, look cut the crap, you're undermining me. His guilt trips would be attacked: "Don't start laying the guilt trip on me. I won't work (anymore)." If you valued the friendship and were in his shows, what would you want your friend to do?

[annie24]

well, I don't think you have a moral obligation to stay with him. friendships drift over time, and I know, because I have lost my share. but, I guess we just became different people....

 

anyways, if you want to save things, do what beec said, and tell him that the guilt trips aren't going to work, so that he needs to comminicate with you a bit better. Otherwise, don't feel bad about walking away. a friend is supposed to make you feel better, not worse. it doesn't sound like he is being a good friend right now.

 

you can also slowly start distancing yourself from him. be less available to go out and answer his calls. drift over time.

[allgood]

tell him whats bothering you. if his a real friend he'll understand. he'll try to take ur advice in and change. if not u need time apart from each other and he needs to work on himself without u.

 

then when he gets better u can hang out again. sometimes people need other types of people to grow. love ur neighbour as urelf. that means loving urself first. u must love urself enough to know if a relationship is hurting you, and respect and love urself enough to do something about it.

[itsallgrand]

I like Beec's advice. It's always nice to hear what a friend truly thinks and feels.

 

If you feel like you can't do that - all the more reason to try with him, lay it out clear and be straight with him.

 

The friendship may be going through a flux where you need to be away for a while, or it may be ending, or it may not.

 

Talk to him first. If he is an old friend, he deserves to get a clue of what is going on before you disappear.

 

There's no obligation to be friends with someone. I'm just telling ya what I know I would value from a friend who was thinking of cutting me out. Even if I couldn't 'hear' what they had to say or understand at the time, I'd respect it being said.

 

tc

[lecoquine]

Thank you everyone for your helpful advice - I have told my friend what's going on, it was a bit like walking on mines, it wasn't easy, and I have made some mistakes, but now that we've talked about it, the air is clean and we have come to a desicion we both feel comfortable with.

 

Thanks again everyone!