so I got talking

[turqoise]

and the tears haven`t stopped this evening. They stop, and then they start. My chest begins to ache...

 

So my depression is slowly improving. I got it in January, I came home in June and since September my family took it seriously and I`ve been taking supplements. The suicidal thoughts which I`d had nonstop since June stopped about a week after I started taking them, in October. I`m taking no therapy, as from what I gather on the net, and from PE, it`s almost impossible to find a great therapist.

 

I tend to think about stuff, and have done so since I was young. I figured out how to live life in my teens, then the meaning of life in my early twenties, then how to live a happy life in my mid-twenties. Practically and theoretically. Yet, it turns out that my heart was not so strong, and tonight I may have discovered a deeply ingrained root which has coloured my entire life.

 

From my recent breakup, I have been forced to realise that I will never be happy until I achieve what I want to for myself. I am an artist at heart, yet I have spent most of my life forcing myself in `stabler` directions, like law, teaching. I met people in my travels who were pursuing their passions - cooking, guitarist, artist, trombonist - and felt real envy that they were doing what they loved, meeting and working among others who shared that passion, and knowing whatever they did in life it would be with their passion at their helm. I got more depressed because I had given up that path, allowed my heart to be talked out of it in favour of a more secure future. * * * *.

 

Re-assessing my life. Feeling like I have watsed ten years at least of my life doing nothing. Ten years of a crucial young part of my life, the part when you absorb, adapt, invent, meet, travel the most before you start settling into yourself. And I will never get that part of my life again, nor the energy, meeting places or flow of thought.

 

Since letting down my guard to fixing depression, I have comto realise I have a huge fear. Right now, this fear is so big that it has turned into a fear of people. I can`t meet people without feeling scared. I spend every day at home, mostly with my parents, sometimes playing with our dog, and if I have enough energy, go out for a walk. I was kicking myself when dad came over and we began talking about this. My dad told me that he thinks that my fear and distrust of people comes from something my parents did when I was young.

 

They were in a new country with their first born who was just starting to walk, who wouldn`t go to bed alone. They asked friends there, what they should do, and were told that they should smack their child and make it go to bed on its own, to learn independence. I don`t know how long it went for, but they tell me I wouldn`t go to sleep after being read a story, and after being told to sleep, would go over to their room and cry outside the door, until I got smacked and returned to my room.

 

I cannot remember any of this. But what I do know, is that since I was little, I never felt like I could take refuge in my parents. I always had an almost distrust, or a distance. I also have a fear of disobeying them which continues to this day.

 

I have realised that because we were in a country where we had no relatives, and due to being ostracised by my friends when I was in my early teens I had no friends who I could trust until my early twenties, I actually grew up most of my life, alone. I let noone in past a tight core of a shell which I had contructed, once against my parents, later against my friends - this one which I have managed to break away. The one against my parents formed so early that I wasn`t even aware of it, but it explains a lot of my behvaiours:

 

-I jump into relationships with people who I don`t necessarily love with all my heart, seeking comfort and companionship; almost my entire life I have lived out of fear of doing something wrong - there has been practically no time (apart from a memorable two years) where I have lived by doing things out of joy; I don`T trust anyone with my feelings, so much so that I can hardly distinguish my own true feelings I`m so used to lying to myself; Even during my fearless two years, I was aware that I couldn`T care about othr people, and that no matter how hard I tried I couldn`t say things from my heart; I have a distrust and fear of authority; I treat kids with militancy which is against my philosophy; personally hurt and sad beyond words whenever I hear of people who were abused in hteir childhood.

 

Bloody everything. Which I thought were flaws in my personality like laziness which I thought I had to deal with seem actually all to point to this. Writing this out makes me feel better. Like I have a record of these feelings of today. And realising that I thought life was supposed to feel this way. I thought I was supposed to fear and resent my parents to some extent even now, I thought that this world was a lonely place that I had to battle through alone and with an independent mask, I really thought, subconsciously, that it was me against everyone else. That was my basis for living. With this as a base, I am also a perfectionist, achiever and hypersensitive.

 

No wonder I`ve had a * * * * life. No, wait. My life has not been bad. I`ve percieved it * * * *tily. But this was a psychological error which occurred when I was young. I am sure I wasn`T abused - it was standard spanking. But the psychological effects, dare I say, may have been just as bad as if I had been abused. I am not sure where to go from here except to hope that this insight will help me do what I have the potential to do.

 

I have plans, world. I am an artist, with a huge spirit and heart, hoping to inspire and raise the energy here on earth. I have something I am meant to dent this world with. I have no job, hardly any friends or money, looks which have deteriorated over years lived in unhappiness and dissatisfaction, and no specific direction. But from here is where I have to begin.

 

In buddhism, they say your karma brings you to this life. I like to believe that I chose to have this life - in my lowest days, just so I can stay sane; usually because I believe that this earth is about experiencing and polishing the spirit. For now, this deep root has to come completely out, and I suspect the tears will plop out quite readily yet. 27 isn`T a bad age to reconcile everything - I understand some people go through life without ever finding themselves. On the other hand 27 isn`t as young as I`d like for me to experience all that this earth has in store. I pray that today is the beginning of a living me.

 

...I really needed to tell someone.

[Alabama]

We all face fears in life and have to conquer our demons within. I understand a little where your coming from. I've never been fully depressed, but have always been on the brink of it at times. I too have become at times a solitary creature never trusting anyone or letting anyone get close. But it can be cured. Time can heal your wounds, if you allow it with trying. That is what your doing. That's good. Keep it up!

[turqoise]

Thank you. It means so much that someone outside heard me.

[Alabama]

Je vous en prie (Your welcome).

[Juliana]

Take this as an opportunity to go forward and heal the wounds that your parents inflicted by seeing how they care for you now, and have cared for you. See that they loved you, but they were young, and indecisive, and made a choice that they meant for your good but that turned out badly.

 

We live in a quick fix culture where pain is not accepted as a sign of growth, but a signal to send one running off to doctors or to medication. Those things have their place. But just as it can take time to heal a broken leg, and it's not comfortable, healing a broken soul takes time and patience.

 

But be aware that there is real work required of you; that there are things that must be done to use the energy of this deep sadness and fear to propel you forward in your life, not to harm you. Fear can inspire one to run fast or to choke; you make the decision. Truths have to be faced, guilt and shame confessed to and forgiven. Dark corners have to be explored. Your depression is a source of fuel for change, and it is potent.

 

I keep a diary, which I fill with bits of poetry, helpful information from books and the net, and pictures, intercut with my own writing. If you're finding writing here helpful, try something like that. I also read alot, because there is alot of information out there for people who are trying to heal themselves. I'm really finding it's helping, but nothing helps more than my own writing, my own creativity, so I would encourage you to continue with your art, above all.

 

It's good to be able to take a breath and be where you are. Your parents might not have held you during your darkest nights when you were young, but they are certainly doing it now. I think that's a great first step forward for you.

[turqoise]

[Je vous en prie (Your welcome).

/QUOTE] ah ha~, Vous parlez francais? Moi aussi, un peu!

 

Juliana, thank you. You`re right, the thing that is overwhelming me right now is that though they hadn`t been there for me, they are right now. Just the thought that they are there brings tears spilling forth - I honestly wonder whether what I`m feeling regarding them, is not dissimilar to someone who has found their biological parents in adulthood.

 

In terms of using this energy to move forward, I think I confessed my biggest pent-up feeling to my mum, a feeling which I have been harbouring likea dead weight for years, which was that I hated being touched by her, showing affection to her, and hearing songs etc that expressed love and gratitude towards mothers. Wow, now that I see it written it`s pretty full on...

But yeah, she accepted what I said and was really good about it. Like unbelievably. I know this sounds weird, but since I had the talk with dad, I have these reluctant cravings to fall asleep in her arms. And though I am way too ashamed and proud to ask her, this morning she came and lay beside me and held me in her arms. It felt like this security which I had always rejected but wanted from her, and I felt relief, lonliness, tears all surging up - if I were to describe it, it was like my dried-up soul was drinking water, like a thirst that I didn`T realise was even there was being quenched and soaked.

 

I`m not quite sure how to define my situation if I wanted to look it up, but I shall take your advice and have a roam around the net. I cannot maintain much focus right now, which is what I need with my paintings, but I am finding I have bursts where I sketch a couple of pictures, or write it out through posts here.