Letting her know I'm not "That Guy"

[WantToBeLuved]

I just met this girl in a training class for work last Monday. We make jokes and seem to have fun in the class, so we exchanged phone numbers. I knew she already had a boyfriend, so I wasn't really thinking much about anything more. Anyway, on Friday she says to me at the end of the training for that day "Give me a call this weekend". I said cool, thinking maybe I'll call her Sunday afternoon or something like that.

 

But later THAT NIGHT, she called me. So we have some small talk at first, but eventually, she goes into how her boyfriend or "boyfriend" is not treating her right and he's selfish and he flips out for no reason and blah, blah, blah. So I listen and do the whole "support your friend thing". Next day, (Saturday) same thing, she calls me with something else that he did that day. And again, I do the support thing. That day, she said, no matter what, she's not calling him the next day (yesterday).

 

So yesterday, me, her and another one of the co-workers from work went out to lunch. She said something about wanting to see a movie, but I didn't really pay too much attention. After the lunch, she calls me like an hour later just with small talk. In the conversion I asked her if she was going to go to the movies. She said no, that she's too tired. After a little bit small talk, she says, she's going to get something to eat and call me back... She never called back. Whatever, not a big deal.

 

So today I see her in the training class and she says she's sorry for not calling me back and that she went to sleep really early... I guess she forgot what she says just 5 minutes before, but she was talking to another co-worker and was talking about something (not exactly sure what) but then she said "......when me and (her boyfriend) went to the movies yesterday....."

 

So, then I realized that, I'm becoming, "that guy" to her. That guy she calls when her boyfriend is treating her bad. The support guy that lets her know that there's nothing wrong with her, and it's all his fault, then she feels better, goes back to the boyfriend and the cycle repeats itself. I know how situations like these sometimes pan out. I'll end up liking the girl, she'll NEVER leave the boyfriend and this will continue and I'll get annoyed.

 

How do I let her know that I don't want to be "that guy", nicely? I don't have a problem with just telling her not to call me with her problems, but I'm first going to make an attempt at being nice about it. Or should I just not answer her calls??? Thx in advance and double thx if you actually read all of that lol.

[BellaDonna]

Hi there. It's a tricky situation. I think the safest thing to do is let her know that if she has a problem with him, she really needs to be talking to him about it and not to you. Something like "It's probably best if you talk to your boyfriend about this directly" or "I'm sure that if your BF knew that you were talking to other guys about your relationship problems, this situation is only going to get worse."

 

Also, let her know that people can only treat you badly if you let them.

 

If her and her boyfriend are not compatible and he does not change and continues to hurt her- then it's time to show him the door. She may have to be hurt really badly before she figures that out though. Bottom line: She will not leave until she is ready and there's nothing you can say or do to make her come to the realization that the relationship with him is not going to work.

 

Keeping your distance is the best thing you can do. Avoid making plans with her unless other coworkers are around too. If she asks to go to a movie with you, tell her to take her BF along. Or simply tell her that you do not feel comfortable with this situation.

 

 

BellaDonna

[WantToBeLuved]

I don't have feelings for the girl or anything, so it's cool, but like I said. I know how situations like this pan out. I don't want to have feelings for her while she's in her situation, I KNOW she's the one that has to make the choice and I don't want to get involved with that. I'm actually a little proud of myself for catching this before it got bad. That's exactly what I'll do. I will tell her to refer everything she's saying to me to him. Thanks a lot. Other takes on this situation would be good too. I like to read what other people think.

[zapper138]

Im in the same situation, with a girl who bf treats her poorly and you described the cycle perfectly. It sucks.

 

I think you should just tell her like you told us in the post. Tell her that you dont want to be "that guy" and explain that you've been down that road before.

 

Glad you wrote this post becasue I didnt realize I had turned into "that guy".

[Fallout]

Hey...don't think you need to be too careful with her feelings...I mean clearly she has no consideration for you lying that she went to sleep when she was at the movies...I mean who wants a friend like that anyway right

[WantToBeLuved]

Just a quick update:

 

Since Sunday, there's has been no calls about the boyfriend, but she still calls me at least twice a day. Again, no flirting or anything like that, but she calls everyday just for small talk... I'm ready for her next time she calls about him though.

 

It's funny, on her myspace, she's "In A Relationship", but on his, he's "Single" and "Here For : Dating and Serious Relationships." I don't think she'll get it until he does something seriously effed up to her. But in the mean time... I won't be "that guy"!

[Alabama]

Good luck!