Hours away and I'm beginning to feel very nervous

[mjctraider]

Ok today is the day that I hang out with a bunch of people, some of them are my friends and others I've either never meet before or only meet once. We are all suppose to be going to various clubs and sports bars before finally getting breakfast and going home. I expect to be home probably around 6am Sunday morning. I really don't have a problem with this and would like to have fun and possibly meet a girl and exchange phone numbers.

 

There are a few problems:

 

As I said my nervousness and aniexty are taking over right now and I'm not even out with my friends. I really would like to be able to calm down so I can have fun too night. I really do not want to have an anxiety or panic attack. I have been diganosed with an anxiety disorder so this is somewhat of a concern. I've never really had friends that invited me to hang out with them and I really have no idea what to expect. Especially since I've neer gone to a club or bar before. This is mainly because I do not drink.

 

There is also my shyness that I know is going to get in the way. While I can be outgoing around my friends, I do still tend to be shy now and then and even if I'm with my friends and there are people around me I don't know I tend to become even more shy. I don't want to be like this.

 

Somewhat related to the above I guess I'm considered a love-shy. While I have made great progress over the last year in trying to be more outgoing. I'm afraid that I may become a mute tonight and not be able to say a whole lot and not even get the nerve to approach any females.

 

One minor thing and it's not really big is that I may feel a little awkward and uncomfortable seeing how most of the people I will be hanging out with will be drinking.

 

 

 

I know this is all in my head, but I can't shake this nervousness I am getting and I just want to be able to have a good time and if there is the off chance that I can get a girl's number it would be even better. Does anyone have any ideas on what I can do to calm my nerves and keep them down tonight so that I may enjoy myself?

[charley]

Hey relax, or try to. I think you are trying to do to much all in one night.

 

I have my former shyness problem under control, if not entirely beaten. However, it took me 5 months of baby steps to get here. You're trying to do all that in one night. I don't don't think that is possible or realistic and deep down you know that and that's why you are gettting scared hours in advance.

 

Here's what I'd suggest. First of all, you need to break this into small steps over time (i.e. - make it a process directed by a plan).

 

Never mind getting a girls number tonight. That's to much for you. You first need to learn to be relaxed just being in social public situations with your friends. After you get used to that, you can think about girls later. One step at at time.

 

A person can't eat a whole burger in one gulp, but if taken one small bite at a time, it's easy. Likewise you can't jump up a whole flight of stairs all at once, but you can easily walk up one step at a time.

 

If you reduce tonight's goal to just going out and being with friends and trying to relax, you have an easier, attainable goal that won't scare you as much. If you forget about girls tonight, then your stress will be greatly reduced. You can get a girls number at some future time after you've learned to relax in public with your friends, and then learned to relax around a lady. One step at a time.

 

I've been taking things one small step at a time. It took me 5 months, but I'm there now and I feel socially comfortable and not shy anymore. You can't do that all in one night, but over time I know you can.

[blender]

Try not to have any expectations, positive or negative. One thing to do with your anxiety is to think of yourself as a "student of sociology" and that you are going out tonight to "learn", use this as your approach to everything this evening, ask questions of others, don't set a goal to "get a girl's number' instead set a goal of "quality for yourself" and by this I mean, make it a point tonight to LEARN as much as you can about others, when you see a girl, any girl, ask her "how you doing tonight, this is great isn't it, everyone out together?" If she is kind in responding, great, keep talking, if not, then it's HER problem, go talk to someone else..

 

CHOOSE TO BE A STUDENT OF LIFE TONIGHT, that is YOUR only responsibility, to be kind, observe, ask thougthful questions of other people..have fun....don't get all locked up in your own head.. that is NOT where the party is, or where the other people are.... so be PRESENT IN THE MOMENT.

 

Believe me, NO ONE knows what is going on inside your own mind.. most people are only thinking of themselves, thier own insecurities, and YES everyone has them.. so it's really nice when YOU have the power to make someone else feel interesting by asking them questions about themsleves, from: "are you having a good time?" to "do you have any brothers or sisters?" , or even compliments go a long way, when in doubt as to what to say, just compliment someone, like "great shoes", or "that blue sweater is great with your eyes".

 

When you choose to be a student of life, you can observe and find nice things to say to anyone, it makes YOU a joy to be around, and it makes others feel good about themselves when with you..

 

YOU'RE GOING TO GREAT TONIGHT, by just setting a standard for yourself of wanting to learn about others... that is your approach, breathe, relax, don't set expectations about girls numbers, just be pleasant, excited, have fun, force a confident smile on your face, compliment, ask questions, dont' drink, and remember everyone who is there has thier own issues, insecurities and everyone will respond to YOUR kindness and curiosity in a positive way... then the rest will fall into place.. who knows you might not "choose" to get a girls number tonight.. just say to yourself: "She would have to be really special, kind, sweet, caring if I'm would even consider asking for her number"....

[charley]

Your post was excellent blender. It sounds like exactly what I've been doing for the last 5 months. As a person learns more about people and gains social experience they naturally become more confident. This constitutes both a gain in knowledge, confidence, and experience (i.e. - practice makes perfect). I initially just went for the student knowledge approach you describe. Later I started practicing while still learning.

 

I think you are right on.

[blender]

You're so right Charley, the biggest journey starts with baby steps, not HUGE LEAPS... one step at a time, starting with being "in the moment" and not "in your head"...

[mjctraider]

I appreciate the advice, but it's not as bad as it seems I guess. I have been able to ask girls out before in the past and for the most part once I'm in a social setting for a while I do begin to calm down and relax, just not all the time. I'd say it's about 50/50. Although I do become quieter regardless. And seeing how I've never been to a club, I guess I don't know what to expect.

 

It's not like I'm looking to find my future wife or girlfriend tonight, but it would be nice to get a number and have a conversation with a girl even if it doesn't go anywhere. It's been a while since I've been on a date. I just want to go and have a good time and maybe have a short conversation with a girl, not ask her to be my girlfriend.

 

As I stated earlier I am much more outgoing than I was last year, it's just that there are times where I can be talkative and other times that I just shut down and I don't want to do that tonight.

[charley]

OK. Well, good luck. If you do start feeling nervous, I suggest you keep Blender's advice as a backup plan to fall back on.

 

For example if the loud club scene makes you nervous, you could just make getting used to that be your goal for the night.

 

Or maybe have getting used to the club scene be your plan A and if you get comfortable then switch to plan B, which would be looking for a lady.

 

Whatever works for you is good with us. We just want to help you figure out some plans to prevent anxiety. Good luck.

[mjctraider]

Well I survived the night, wait hold on I need to check for a second.... yup I'm not missing anything that I shouldn't be missing, lol.

 

Once again my aniexty got me all hopped up for nothing. The one attack I had before I left should not have happened, but yet it did again.

 

I showed up at my friends house we all drove down to the club and I had a good time, I was quiet, but i had a good time. I wanted to talk, but didn't know what to say and of course it was too loud to really hear anybody, so my voice would have been drowned out by all the noise.

 

It was like a sensory overload, my mind didn't know what to do between the music, everybody dancing, all the attractive females walking by. Needless to say I did have fun, even though I was quiet and not smiling. I need to work on the smiling I guess, my one friend thought I wasn't having fun even though I was, but my smiles always come out like I'm forcing it and not natural.

 

I didn't get any numbers or talk to any girls, but I could care less really. I still had fun. I did get a bit of confidence with the outfit I was wearing. My friend thought it was good on me and she liked it, she thought I looked cute. I even liked it, and thought I looked good in it and could feel the confidence coming off it, but my shyness got in the way. Either way I had a good time, even if I didn't talk to anyone.

[charley]

Have you ever considered having a beer or other drink under those circumstances? If you're not accustomed to beer, I suggest Coors Light as being very mild tasting. It would help you greatly to relax and not panic. The music even doesn't sound as loud.

 

That's how I started going to clubs with friends. I don't need it anymore. The last time I went to a club (last Friday night) I drank nothing but water and hot apple cider. My friend got to drink for a change, which was nice for her. I was the driver.

 

Anyhow, consider having a beer. If your not a drinker, then one will be a lot for you and will easily relax you. I try to limit myself to one because I have a low tolerance for alcohol and two makes me stupid. One is good though.

[mjctraider]

As much as I would have to agree with having a beer to calm me down and be able to relax, I jsut would never do it. For one thing I was the desinated driver and probably would if I do this again. However the bigger reason why I would never have an alcoholic beverage is that I cannot in any way tolerate the smell of alcohol. It smells horrible, plus it reminds me of the days when I had to deal with my mom's alcoholic boyfriends everyday. I just choose to not be a drinker, I don't want to lose control and become one of the mean drunks and then it develope into me becoming an alcoholic.

 

As far as having something else to drink might work, but I don't know. I think the problem lies elswhere. I mean at work I can be more relaxed and be talkative around the people I hung out with Saturday, but I'm not overally outgoing all the time, maybe 50/50.

 

I think also since it was a new experience for me I just didn't know what to do and I don't hang out with them that often. It's quite rare. I've really never had friends inviting me to hang out with them at least not since high school.

 

However the bigger thing I think is that I was always the straight A student, focusing on my studies and getting good grades and the people I hang out with now seem like the type that focused more on having fun then their studies. They like to drink and smoke the occasionaly "joint". Where I steer clear of that. I like them and have nothing bad to say about them, but it's like two different worlds slamming into each other and I'm the only one that realizes that we are complete different.

[charley]

Hey buddy, I honestly don't think you have a mean bone in your body whether drunk or sober. However, I was not advocating getting drunk (multiple beers). I was suggesting slowly sipping one over an hour or longer. That would relax you and maybe buzz you a little. I'm a lightweight drinker myself - only one drink per week. That's so little that I have no tolerance. thereforeeee, one is plenty for me.

 

However, if you don't want to drink, that's fine. It was just an idea and I wasn't suggesting doing it to excess.

 

If you are anything like me, you'd just get more friendly and relaxed while slightly buzzed. However, we'll abandon that course of action since you don't want to.

 

Another way to learn to be more relaxed is to just keep going out once each week with your friends. Go ahead and be the designated driver since you don't drink. That way you are doing something nice for your friends. After enough times going out, you will start relaxing naturally.

 

I think you sound a lot like me before I was 23. Good student, quiet, good guy, always consciencious, well behaved, the designated driver, and the model of good behavior. Yep. All those were me. Then at age 23 and 24 I discovered alcohol and girls (well only 2 GFs) and had a very wild 2 years. This was like "college boys gone bad" and my guy friends were not exactly a good influence. Good boy Charley was missing for 2 years, until a massive hangover on Thankgiving day that lasted over 24 hours. "No mom, I can't eat because I have the flu (blahhhhhrph!). After that, not another drink for 13 years and bad boy Charley was gone.

 

About a year ago I started having a drink once a week while going out with friends. As long as I stick to one drink per week and no more, I'm fine. Buzzed and relaxed, but fine. My earlier college days level of tolerance faded years ago. I'm now a super lightweight drinker with little tolerance due to only having one a week. I've learned to moderate and it is possible to be a good guy and still have some fun. If a little bit of bad boy shows, that OK in moderation.

 

Last time I went to a club, I drank nothing, except water and apple cider becaue I was the designated driver. My friend was due. She'd been the designated driver so many prior times that I should feel guilty about it. At first I was nervous because I'm not used to being in a club fully sober. However, I soon relaxed. Well, after 30 minutes, I relaxed.

 

Some people who only know me from the club asked me if I was OK. I said ya, I'm fine, why? They said, I looked po'd. I said no, this is just me sober, then a smile and a wink. Actually, when I'm sober I find drinkers a bit annoying. It ain't easy being the designated driver, but it's a lot better than not going out.

 

Keep going out with your friends. Be their designated driver. Then over time you'll learn to relax. Personally, if I'm not going to drink, then I prefer someplace tamer and quieter. Try some various types of places. Practice makes perfect - relaxed.

[mjctraider]

Yes I've always been the good guy and always hung out with the good crowd and now it seems I'm friends with more of the wild bunch. I knew basically what you meant about the drinking thing. One beer and no more. My problem again is that being around the alcoholics for as long as I was, just made me dis;like beer some much and as I said I cannot in anyway tolerate the smell of alcohol.

 

Besides that I do have a dark side to me and a very bad dark side at that. It's very rare that it rears it's ugly head, but it does come out now and then. I'm most afraid that if I do drink even just one drinl that I might like it too much and it develops into a problem and my dark side finds an easy way to rear it's ugly head.

 

I appreciate any advice you have given me and I think really my main problem isn't so much the shyness, because I know there is an outgoing guy just waiting to get out and he does now and then. I think I just lack confidence in myself and don't have enough of the "I don't care what others think of me." I think if I could have that mentallity more often, then I'd me more outgoing and find it much easier to talk to girls and other people in general.

 

So I just need to work on gettng my confidence up and have the attitude that I don't care what others think about what I say or do.