My Boyfriend's Baby will be born in 7 weeks.

[Aschleigh]

I'm that girl:

I remember many other of your posts about the anxiety you have with your boyfriend about his not calling or being distant. Is all that cleared up now? 4months isn't a long time. It seems like you have a lot of discord with this man and now on top of it, he will be a new father.

What is this doing to your kids? Are they getting the healthiest, more attentive mom possible? Are you feeling like you are taking care of yourself and your kids to the best of your abilities?

I think that needs to be the priority right now.

This relationship could go either way, it could prosper or end. But your own health and happiness and your kids well being should be paramount right now.

Let him deal with his drama, the baby , the ex, etc.. And let there be some space for a bit. ( not NO contact neccesarily)

See what he does. Take care of your kids and yourself right now.

I wish my mom had gotten this advice when she was dating and a single mom and involved in boyfriend drama when I was growing up.

[Dilly]

Wow, you've gotten some great advice. I would urge you not to be too much of a martyr though. Don't throw in the towel yet! He's likely trying to sort all of this out and just needs time and space to do so. You can protect your heart, maintain your life and the healthy hearts and spirits of your children while giving him the space he needs. The trick is as many have stated, not blinding yourself by this baby. Your boyfriend will come out and tell you how he's feeling as you make it comfortable for him to do so and comfort comes best when he knows you can accept the idea that he may not be in your life. You can't really pretend that, he'll just know. So you sound pretty darn mature to me and very nice and selfless. Just keep that head on your shoulders and that heart in the right place and know that what you have between you will change no matter what, possibly for the better! I admire your stamina and strength!

[BeStrongBeHappy]

this is a difficult situation for everyone, but i have a few thoughts.

 

first, he said he is not sure it is his baby, but he is acting EXACTLY like he is sure it is his baby... so did he tell you that in the beginning to make you more likely to start a relationship with him, and now that the reality is getting closer, he is admitting he is the father.

 

second, how close is your relationship to him, really? there is no reason at all that you can't be involved in outings with the baby and him, and with his parents. if he is telling you otherwise, there is a problem here. i can understand why his ex-girlfriend may not want you at her house, and you should respect that, but the second he has visitation with the baby not at her house, you can be involved IF he wants you to be.

 

and he shouldn't be spending a lot of time at her house either, since normal visitation relationships involved him taking the baby elsewhere. and if he is spending large amounts of time at her house, i would wonder why and be very suspicious of his behavior. after all, pregnancy, even late pregnancy, is not a disability, but normal, and she does not need to have him at her house all the time just because she is pregnant.

 

so i am wondering whether he has really broken it off with the girlfriend at all, or is encouraging her to think they will get back together (and maybe he is not sure himself). meanwhile, he could be stalling you, and using the baby/pregnancy as an excuse, until he is sure what he wants to do (or wants to do you both at the same time but knows that is not acceptable to you or the ex-girlfriend, so is waffling).

 

and another sad but true thought, there are LOTS of men who have no compunction about chasing other women when their wives/girlfriends are pregnant. they may be conflicted about sex, or not like having sex with a pregnant woman, or be angry about the pregnancy and getting even, etc. etc. so he conviently found a new girlfriend very shortly after his old girlfriend got pregnant, that alone would make me a bit cautious.

 

also, if you and your boyfriend are on good standing, there should be no reason that you can't include his child in your own relationship as a couple, and if he is trying to exclude you from future interaction with this child, it is a HUGE sign that he might still be 'on' with the girlfriend and not being honest with you about that. why would he feel the need to exclude you from all interactions between him and the child. that is not normal in couples, and there are tons of successful stepparents who love their spouse's/boyfriend's children from a previous relationship in this world, so what's his excuse for already thinking of reasons to isolate you from this child?

 

so 'stepping back' in general might be a good idea, but if you want to stay with him, i would try to find out first whether he has any commitment to you worth even continuing the relationship. if you suspect he is fanning the flames with the ex-girlfriend at all, for any reason, you'd be better off just breaking it off and moving on with your life rather than hanging around while he plays happy family with the ex-girlfriend.

 

there are plenty of ways for him to be a good father AND include you in his life, so if he is saying otherwise, i think something is fishy and he is still emotionally involved with his ex-girlfriend and not being honest with you.

[ImThatGirl]

Thank you, Ladies, for your thoughts and advice!

 

Ash - For the most part, we have come over many obstacles as far as the distance, etc. I don't worry as much - we're both different in our ways of communicating.

 

As far as my children go, I understand everyone's concern. I think when we write on here, it's an outlet. We can put out our fears, our anxieties, our emotions in black and white. I may see very anxious and indeed, I am quite concerned about this situation. But I can tell you, my children are very happy and well rounded and have no idea of the weight on my shoulders. Sometimes I ramble about it here or to a couple close friends but when I'm with my kids, it's all about my kids, you know?

 

Thank you for your compliments, Dilly! Much Appreciated!!! I am giving him a little more space and realizing that he is very overwhelmed with all of this and needs time and space to sort it all out.

 

BeStrong - Almost everyday, he states "If this is even my baby." I'm quite sure he's unsure. We are very close; I know he wants me in his life. As I said above, I think he's just very overwhelmed with all of this. They only "dated" for 3 weeks. She lives 2 hrs from his hometown and a half hour from where I live. He hasn't seen her since she was 21 weeks (she's @ 33 now.)

 

And little updates:

 

Last night, he determined he may not have enough time to pick her up and take her to visit his mom's (if the visits are only 2 hours.) He mentioned that it would be more feasible to bring her to my house to visit and have his parents over to my place.

 

His ex had her baby shower this weekend. A friend of his went. Fortunately his mother did not. Only 7 people showed up and it quickly went from baby shower to J bashing session. They talked terribly about him (kind of understandable,) and someone mentioned how terribly dirty her house has been (that they've been trying to help her clean it.) I'm sure she's consumed by all of this but apparently chooses to let that anger consume her rather than other options. Also, she's still dating another guy that she was seeing while she and J "dated."

 

Someone also commented "You better make him sign that birth certificate so you can make sure you get money!" He's going to have a dna test done immediately (the hospital doesn't do them so once the baby is released.) I don't understand why they'd say that. Kinda rings to me that it's "Make him sign the birth cert so he has to pay even if the baby isn't his." I don't know....

 

Her name has been picked. Addison Bree - Beautiful. . .

 

Signed,

Anxiously awaiting the beautiful addition to my bf's life!

[cypress]

It is a shame that children are brought into this world in this sort of way. Maybe guys should use condoms with girls that they have only dated for 3 weeks. Hope you are using protection.

[Beec]

It is a shame that children are brought into this world in this sort of way. Maybe guys should use condoms with girls that they have only dated for 3 weeks. Hope you are using protection.

 

The need for protection is everyone's responsibility.

[ImThatGirl]

It is a shame that children are brought into this world in this sort of way. Maybe guys should use condoms with girls that they have only dated for 3 weeks. Hope you are using protection.

 

I agree it is a shame.

 

And, yes, I live my life responsibly.