My Boyfriend's Baby will be born in 7 weeks.

[ImThatGirl]

I've posted about this before in the following thread:

 

 

Long story short -->

My bf informed me several weeks after we were dating that his ex is expecting his baby. He has questioned whether it is actually is his and plans to have a paternity test done immediately.

 

When he broke the news, I decided to accept it and support him.

 

For the many weeks after, he's rarely talked about her or the baby. He has not seen her at all and barely talked to her.

 

Only 7 weeks to go before she is induced. In the past week, she has called him several times asking that he come over. I'm positive she's hoping they will get back together and that he hasn't made it clear he's not interested.

 

Somehow this all has been slightly swept under the rug but cannot be forever of course. I sympathize with him in the situation, feel very badly for her as well, and have no idea what I'm supposed to feel for myself.

 

When I determined I could get through this, maybe I wasn't thinking clearly!

 

I guess the reason I am posting is:

 

1) To get your opinion on how any man could possibly deal with the demands of an ex / mother of their child and continue in a separate serious relationship. Is this even possible? I think it would be more fair of me to let him go and focus on his child without me in the picture. (She is hoping they will get back together.)

 

2) Any suggestions on sitting on the back burner successfully?

 

I understand that I may be opening a can of worms (judgement) here. It should be known that I've walked in her shoes before and honestly feel very badly for her.

[Scout]

I have a question for you...if it turns out this is indeed his baby, which it probably is, are you prepared to be loving and nurturing to the child when it's your boyfriend's turn to take care of it?

 

You offered him your support in the beginning. But I think you're going to be taking on even more than that after the child is born if you two stay together.

[ImThatGirl]

I have two children. I would love to have the opportunity to be loving and nurturing and a part of his childs life.

 

I'm pretty sure though that I am going to be "outside of the bubble" per se. Like his time with her (the baby) will be his time and time with his family. And I will be in a different compartment.

 

hm.

[Scout]

I'm pretty sure though that I am going to be "outside of the bubble" per se. Like his time with her (the baby) will be his time and time with his family. And I will be in a different compartment.

 

Any specific reasons why you feel this way? Just curious.

[Batya33]

I ended a relationship in part because of the same exact scenario. We started dating in October, baby was born 6 weeks later and his need to focus on his daughter was a huge reason I decided to step away - not because I needed more attention but because I saw how it was going to engulf his life. I was proud of him for stepping up to the plate emotionally and financially (this was a few years ago) but knew I wouldn't be comfortable in that arrangement.

[ImThatGirl]

Scout, I want to sincerely thank you! I respect your advice very much!

 

Trying to think of exactly how to explain it.

 

He's made it clear that his parents will want to see the baby as much as possible too; basically stated that his time with the baby will be spent with his parents and him. His ex lives 2 hours away from the town he and his parents live in so I don't know how this is going to be possible.

 

Oh Gawsh! I don't know how to explain it. He seems to compartmentalize. He has offered no suggestion of me being a part of this. (understandable I guess.) Yet I've allowed him into my life with open arms.

[Scout]

You're welcome...although so far, I have more questions than actual advice.

 

I have to say, I still don't have a clear understanding of how you know he's not going to include you in on baby-time.

 

Have you asked him directly about this? I think you need to. This is a big, big thing in your relationship. If you can't both honestly talk about the ramifications of a child on your relationship, then I definitely have some concerns about you two.

[ImThatGirl]

I ended a relationship in part because of the same exact scenario. We started dating in October, baby was born 6 weeks later and his need to focus on his daughter was a huge reason I decided to step away - not because I needed more attention but because I saw how it was going to engulf his life. I was proud of him for stepping up to the plate emotionally and financially (this was a few years ago) but knew I wouldn't be comfortable in that arrangement.

 

 

Thank you for sharing, Batya!

 

Was it quite difficult for either of you to let go?

 

I agree, I think that he needs to step up to the plate, and take one thing at a time. His baby needs him and his full focus.

 

I know if (when) I tell him that I am not comfortable in this arrangement, he will possibly push towards continuing our relationship. He will give me all the promises and reasons why it will work.

[ImThatGirl]

You're welcome...although so far, I have more questions than actual advice.

 

I have to say, I still don't have a clear understanding of how you know he's not going to include you in on baby-time.

 

Have you asked him directly about this? I think you need to. This is a big, big thing in your relationship. If you can't both honestly talk about the ramifications of a child on your relationship, then I definitely have some concerns about you two.

 

I told him last night that from what he has told me, his time with the baby will be spent with his ex and/or with his parents and that it seems as though I will not be included. He kind of skipped around it with saying "well, don't you think my parents will want to see the baby as much as possible?"

[Beec]

Men compartmentalize quite easily and readily. It's waht we do. My woman has a problem with work, and it consumes her life. I do, and it is pretty much checked like a bag as I walk through the door. We can do it with almost anything.

[Scout]

I told him last night that from what he has told me' date=' his time with the baby will be spent with his ex and/or with his parents and that it seems as though I will not be included. He kind of skipped around it with saying "well, don't you think my parents will want to see the baby as much as possible?"[/quote']

 

Ok, instead of telling him what to tell you, lol, ask direct questions instead. Ask him how he envisions the first several months of becoming a father...how he plans on dealing with it, learning how to take care of the baby...ask him if he has any fears, uncertainties about what babies need, how to change their diapers, etc...what to do if they cry...

 

Do you see where I'm going with this? I'm suggesting you create a safe environment where he can express his fears about upcoming fatherhood. And because you are an experienced parent, you can then give you insight/answers to any of his practical questions about taking care of a baby...and thus, turning you from an outsider to a knowledgeable confidante and expert! Suddenly, it will occur to him, "Hey! I'm lucky I've got my girlfriend to help me navigate some of this!" That will include you in his situation, and I bet will end up in included visits with the baby sooner rather than later.

[Beec]

I also would not be surprised by his desire to compartmentalize, right now.

 

You're a girlfriend or how many months? I would not want my infant becoming too attached to you, in case you are an ex within as many months.

 

I like Scout's advice on asking him questions and trying to steer him for help, and offering it, IF HE WANTS IT.

[vandgsmom]

I remember when you posted before, and I still admire your selflessness in regards to knowing that the babys best interests are paramount in this whole situation.

 

 

Honestly, I think that without knowing your bf, that there is no way for me to tell you one way or the other how to act.

What I CAN tell you, though, is that women were given the gift of intuition for a reason. That still, small voice deep in your heart that makes you feel that something is going wrong here should be the FIRST thing you listen to. YOU know your boyfriend, and only YOU are intuitive enough to know if this is one of those situations where the greater love is in letting go...

 

Things can work out. Love comes easily when its supposed to.

Maybe just hold on for the 6 more weeks until the baby is born and see what happens. THis is the stressful countdown for him (IS is his baby, IF it is, then what, IF it isn't, then what) and maybe he just isn't acting in the way he normally would....

 

((HUGS))

L

[MollyElise]

My best friend is in the the opposing situation, and as much as she originally wanted to be with her "baby daddy" after the last couple of years she wishes he was not in her life at all. One of the most frustrating things for her has been his compartmentalization of his life, he is now married with a step child yet he has done nothing to bring his daughter into their family. He comes to her house to visit his daughter or takes her out by himself, he claims that his wife discourages him spending time with his daugher, which I don't believe. Being a baby daddy can be very difficult, there are many gray areas and blurry lines, being with one, especially when none of the details or routines have settled in is very hard.

 

I don't think that being with him through this transitional period will be very good for you, he should be devoting his time to his new child and trying to understand his relationship with baby-momma, having you in the mix makes all these issues more confusing. I think to be fair to yourself and to everyone else it might be best to bow out graciously, leave room for friendship but I think that expectations on your relationship will bring no joy during this period. Your BF needs the time and space to get this huge, life changing event under control.

[ImThatGirl]

I understand, Scout. I will try that. And maybe then I'll be better able to understand.

 

Beec, we've been together 4 months. And as much as I knew better, I welcomed him into my childrens lives. I've learned that compartmentalizing is normal and can be good. But, how much compartmentalizing is too much?

 

Vandgsmom - Thank you - - Now that it's all getting closer, it seems different. Before it seemed as though I was put in this situation to help him through it and my experience would be beneficial.

 

I have stayed positive about all of this since I learned. I've actually been excited about it. But since it seems like I'm going to be in a different compartment and not be allowed to share in this even the least bit, it's difficult to be happy about it. It's difficult to not allow it to consume my thoughts. I'm not sure I can wait to see if it's going to work out. I'm not sure I have the patience or the energy to take the chances any longer.

[ImThatGirl]

Thank you for sharing! I do think that the circumstances your friend has at hand could very likely be the way our path is going.

 

Thank you for your opinion! I thought I could sit back and be reserved about all of this, only offering help for him to get through this. But I am now realizing that may not be possible or good for either one of us.

 

I had never dated anyone with other kids before and certainly had not dated anyone that was expecting a child. Not that I'm against dating someone with kids (that's be a little hypocritical,) but this transition period I think is a period where he needs to figure things out on his own, without considering me.

[v8vachon]

Oh Dear.. Oh Dear.. OH dear.. why did I end up on this post?..I feel as though I must respond, although my response may not be what you want to hear, I really believe this may be helpfull.

I was there as well... I was the girlfriend who was dumped while pregnant.

My baby's father left me at 7 months pregnant to go back to an ex girlfriend from 10 yrs back into his past. She moved into his house after 3 months of dating. He came by almost everyday to see her and eventually his interest grew towards being a family with us. his girlfriend was not supportive of him taking care of his daughter and he saw that.. which draw him closer to us eventually. We are now married and happy.

Not every situation is like mine, but I just wanted you to see how things REALLY play out.

It's normal for her to want to reconciliate with him, there is a child involved.

There is a bond (the child) between them at this point and sometimes that can scare men away if the pregnancy was not planned.

He needs time to digest the birth of his baby, He needs time to see where he fits in, where his family fits in. Maybe he will get back together with his ex. Maybe he will stay with you. That will not depend on anything YOU do! That will depend on him and his ex. why did they break up? Does she still want him? Maybe the responsibility of having a child is what scared him away.. in that case, there is a possibility that when he isnt scared anymore( when the baby is born and he sees all is well ).. he many return to her.

Your decision must be made based on what you are willing to accept from a man.

Are you willing to accept feeling left out? are you willing to sit back and allow him to figure out his role?( may take up to a year)

Are you willing to endure him visiting his ex?

Are you willing to be in 3 rd place?.... because although the baby comes first, his baby's mom will come second because she is the mediator between him and his child.

You shouldnt pressure meeting the baby, allow him to bring the baby to you.

Just like you probably would not want to be pressured about your kids.

I have been on both sides of the counter. My ex husband had 2 small children from 2 different ladies. i knwo it's a hard place to be and I would say to any woman ... RUNNNN!!! It's NOT WORTH IT!!!

Ultimately, when he feels pressure by you, he will draw to her, when he feels pressure from her.. he will draw to you.. it's up to you on how you react and perceive things.

You have not been with this guy long enough to not walk away, you still have time to save yourself from agony and aggrevation.

PLUS.. you have your own life with your own kids to worry about.. they will feel all the anxiety and stress that you feel. ITS NOT WORTH IT!

You can always let things play out and see...eventually you may get tired enough to walk away.

Sorry this wasnt so positive.. but it's reality. GOOD LUCK and BE STRONG for you and your kids.

[ImThatGirl]

Thank you v8vachon - The way you explained it definitely puts some of my thoughts and fears in words well.

 

Ultimately, no, I don't think I'm comfortable with the necessary arrangements. And hearing all of your opinions is helping me form my thoughts on the situation.

 

I've been on the other side too. My daughter's dad pretty much played around while I was pregnant. We did move in together when my daughter was born only for me to move out 6 months later and him to have his now fiance move in immediately.

 

Because I had been on the other end, I questioned whether I could support him through this. But somehow determined that yep we could make it through this. Now I've got myself caught up in something I can barely stomach.

 

To answer another of your questions - They were "dating" for 3 weeks and only met each other when they began dating. Short lived because he determined he wasn't interested in her and shortly after she told him she was pregnant.

[Beec]

I think whether he wants you or not, or the mother of his child or not, is all about what he wants, and any number of men might choose one or the other. But so long as he might want you, and you want him, I think there are a few things you should do and not do. Let him know you are excited about the child and are ready to be a part of it's life, when he is ready for that too. But when, that's up to him. Be supportive of him taking care of the child, and be there if he wants and needs help, but don't force it.

 

If he ends up with you, the baby will have to become part of your life. Don't be in a rush to make complicating entanglements though.

[rocio]

I would prepare for the worst and try not to get any more attached to him than you already are. Protect your heart as best you can until the baby is born and you've established how this is going to affect your relationship.

[Batya33]

Just my two cents. I am not sure that you should be involved in the baby's life unless there is serious potential for you and your bf to get married in the not too distant future. Of course as an infant he/she won't know you or get too attached to you but as you know from your own children, children don't "get" dating - they "get" attached. Maybe the best role for you to have now is being supportive of him so he can be supportive of his new child. Reminds me of when my cousin was terminally ill. I adored her, wanted to see her, but she didn't want to see people. I wanted to be supportive so I focused on supporting her new husband who I barely knew - with everything from making phone calls for him to being a shoulder for him to lean on. In that way, I ended up supporting my cousin.

[v8vachon]

I know my words are not easy to hear, i wish someone would have told me the cold truth many times in my life. That is the only reason why I am telling you this, sometimes.. most of the time, being in a situation makes it difficult to see clearly.

Which ever way things develop, we agree it will take time.. 6 months to a year.

Love takes YEARS to build, not months. Years of acceptance, friendship, forgiveness and tolerance.

You dont know if you love this person, you may have a strong "like" but love will take overcoming obstacles together.. such as this one.

Also, I often saw from my own experiences that when i couldnt have the man i wanted, it made it more of a challenge for me.. I had to show her(the other woman) that I was better than her and that i would win the man in the end.. but in all sincerity, the only thing i gained from that was heartache. it's not a competition, ultimately you are getting ready to take on 18 years of challenges with this man, his ex and his child.

and not only will you involve yourself, but you will also drag both of your children into this eventually.

It took time for you and your ex ( 6 months) to figure out that you were closing a chapter.

it took time for me and my ex (1 yr) to see that maybe after all, we were compatible and we could raise a family together.

It will take time for him as well, and he will do this weather you are with him or not. Just be ready to deal with the outcome. That's all.

again, best wishes!

[ImThatGirl]

You know, Batya, as I sat here and read through many of the posts a few minutes ago, that fact hit me.

 

I'm so caught up with emotions that I'm not thinking clearly about this. I respect not having time with his daughter.

 

I guess maybe it has to do with me allowing him into my life so easily.

 

Thank you, Batya!

[cypress]

Interestingly, I was in your situation at one point. I had begun dating a man and a few weeks into the budding relationship he dropped the my ex is having my baby bomb. Luckily it was prior to any sexual intimacy on our part, which I felt was appropriate.

 

I am hoping that he disclosed this information to you prior to developing a more intimate relationship. If not, hmmm.

 

The prior advice has been very good. You are not a part of this child's life unless the mother wants you to be. How long have you been with this guy? If he isn't there for the child he created do you really want to be with him? If you were her, would you appreciate the treatment? If this is in fact his kid, the mother of the child will always be in his life if he wants to be a dad instead of a baby maker.

 

The mother of the child will decide if you should have any part in her child's life in the beginning. Until you are more significantly tied to your bf you are only his girlfriend.

 

If you get to a point where you and your bf are thinking long term your behavior in these initial phases will be very important. Do not argue with the mother. Try to put yourself in her place. If she seems irrational, don't try to rationalize with her. If you were due to give birth alone in 7 weeks, how rational would you be?

 

Good luck. It is not an easy place to be.

[ImThatGirl]

Thank you again for your thoughts, advice, and opinion!

 

You all helped me gain a much wider perspective of the situation.

 

Admission: I panicked and for a day thought "Where do I fit in here?" I was thinking somewhat selfishly. Last night I apologized to my bf and admitted that this is very difficult for me.

 

I would love to be a permanent part of his life. We've fast forwarded in so many area's of our relationship that it just seems normal to fast forward with everything. But I don't want that and don't need that.

 

I am much calmer and able to look at this all logically now.

 

He doesn't want her to know about me at all because he's worried that immediately things will get ugly with child support, etc.

 

To answer your questions, Cypress:

I expect him to be there for the child and believe that he will be. I'll encourage that.

I feel very badly for her. I've been in her shoes. I know how badly it hurts.

I don't mind the thought of her being in his life and respect her completely as the mother of his child.

 

I guess I came accross irrationally. By no means will I ever argue with her. Again, I was in her place at one point. I know how badly it hurts. I also know that it is possible to rise above in the best interest of children. My ex and I split when my daughter was 6 months old. His now fiance moved in a month later and she and I are more like close friends than "co-parents."

 

Thank you all again.