My GF feels overweight...how do I deal?

[Momene]

I think her attitude is the problem. I see myself as fat and generally unattractive but I sometimes get hit on by girls less than half my age.

 

There's lots of attractive larger ladies on the TV in England and I prefer them to matchsticks any day.

[shikashika]

you sound likea very supportive boyfriend! thats great!

 

but I don't think telling her 'you're great!... you're fine!' is going to help.

 

I can understand why she's so sensitive... but its really up to her to lose the weight... no one else can do it for her... it is HARD... the best thing you can do is encourage her.

 

Body for life is a good book.

[Beec]

When I hear this, my comment is always that I refuse to address it. She may say it to get you to tell her that she is fine, etc., but that's not helping her is it. And you should not need to do that every darn day. But telling her solutions is not helping either. When my women complains she is too fat, I tell her, I am just not going to comment on that.

[Scout]

When I hear this, my comment is always that I refuse to address it. She may say it to get you to tell her that she is fine, etc., but that's not helping her is it. And you should not need to do that every darn day. But telling her solutions is not helping either. When my women complains she is too fat, I tell her, I am just not going to comment on that.

 

I agree this is the best way to nip it in the bud. And the gal may try to persist on the subject a bit, but will eventually give up if she sees she is simply not going to get any feedback. In all honesty, I don't think it's our boyfriends' jobs to make us feel better about ourselves physically, and we shouldn't subject them to constant questions about our physical appearance. (That being said, I strongly suggest to both genders to genuinely compliment your partners on the physical attributes you admire about them!)

 

Quick question, though, Beec...what if she says, "Oh, so that means you think I'm fat!" I love my sisters, but I can just see some of us having that reaction...myself included! So how do you suggest to guys to head that one off?

[Beec]

If you don't give her signs that you are attracted to her, then I could see that as a problem. But if you have, and done so recently, then all you need to do is remind her. "So, does that mean you don't reminder my not being able to keep my hands off of your behind (I would use another word)last night?" "Do you recall me attacking you (specifiy a time and/or place), what does that ell you about how I think?" Or something to that effect. Once you have done that a few times, don't even bother with it. Revert to, "I simply refuse to comment on that." It should be a man's mantra.

 

You cannot surrender to it. If you do, the battle is lost. Retrench and fight another day.

[birdgirl]

Don't try to fix it for her. Don't act like you want her to lose weight, even if you really want her to. Just tell her that she looks amazing and that she shouldn't change anything about herself, that you love her the way she is.

 

As a female, I understand why she flipped. If you need to apologize, tell her that your comment came about because you gave in to the stereotypical male tendency to want to fix things, but that YOU feel she's perfect the way she is.

[asianlkp22]

well, help her a little more. Exercise with her.....there is ways of still being able to eat whatever you want and still loose weight. You have to keep the exercising consistent. But tell you the truth, I love it when my boyfriend comes and exercises with me, it helps me. Same with me my boyfriend and I agree I gained some weight and he too said that it doesn't look bad.....but to help me, he motivates me and helps me loose weight. motivation from my man, helps me a lot.

[Caterina]

When/if I complain about my weight, the last thing I want to hear from the guy I'm with is something about disciplining myself. I'd kill him.

 

Just because someone is complaining doesn't mean that they want to hear about how they can "fix it" from the peanut gallery. They want sympathy and more importantly, assurance that its not true that they are fat.

[freelove]

It definitely feels like everyone has a different take on the subject and what to do if you hear that question being posed.

 

We spoke about it and I apologized. She did to and said sometimes she just hates the way she looks and instead of getting all upset about it, she is gonna just focus on losing it. She has been eating better and exercising more. She's also not bringing it up as often.

 

I just keep on loving her and telling her how beautiful she is.

[Beec]

They want sympathy and more importantly, assurance that its not true that they are fat.

 

And if the guy gives you that, you'll ask for it more and more and more, and he will get plain old sick and tired of telling you. One day, maybe in ten years or more, your husband will think it's true, and then he either has to lie, or tell you. What should he do, lie?

[asianlkp22]

I agree with Beec........a support system is great. It's not like you are telling them what to do, but help them help themselves. It's only being childish if you get mad when someone is trying to help you help yourself.

 

If my boyfriend lied to me over and over again about how I looked, then I will be extremely fat because i think I am fine the way I am, and I know in my heart that it's not healthy for the relationship or yourself.

 

I am sorry, but I gained some weight myself with my boyfriend, I know I still look good and he tells me I do too. But, he still motivates me in whatever I decide to. He said he wont' eat late around me so i won't get the urge to eat late.......it's good that your boyfriend is involved with you, it builds the relationship.

[rocio]

When/if I complain about my weight, the last thing I want to hear from the guy I'm with is something about disciplining myself. I'd kill him.

 

Just because someone is complaining doesn't mean that they want to hear about how they can "fix it" from the peanut gallery. They want sympathy and more importantly, assurance that its not true that they are fat.

 

So true. Guys, by nature, want to fix things. We tell them we have a problem, and automatically they try to find a way to fix it. But that's often not what we want. Sometimes we just want someone to listen to our concerns and reassure us.

[MysticDesertBreeze]

I just read this thread and the one thing that caught my attention was when you said you became upset that she wanted to buy new clothes that will fit her, and that you think it is a cop out.

 

You know, her tight clothes are just one of many things that keep reminding her of the weight that she gained. And yeah, it is another thing that makes her voice her complaints about herself. While she may ONLY have 15 pounds to lose, she isn't going to lose it quickly unless she is doing it in a very unhealthy way. Her clothes aren't going to fit perfectly any time soon, right? So why not TREAT her to something that will make her feel better in the meantime?

 

It doesn't mean you have to buy her an entire new wardrobe but a couple pair of pants/jeans and tops.

 

if you don't really mind what her weight is right now, her saying she wants to get clothes in her size shouldn't make you feel it is a cop out or feel threatened that she just might get comfortable in the new clothes and end up feeling ok with her weight and not lose it.

[Caterina]

And if the guy gives you that, you'll ask for it more and more and more, and he will get plain old sick and tired of telling you. One day, maybe in ten years or more, your husband will think it's true, and then he either has to lie, or tell you. What should he do, lie?

 

You don't know that someone would ask for it more and more. True love is willing to put up with little insecurities, anyways. If he thinks its true, he shouldn't be with you and if he has to lie to you then he shouldn't be with you.

[asianlkp22]

Apparently, you have here, two different sides of opinions. Only you would know how your girl is,if she is submissive to what you say or do. We dont' know how she is, and we can't generalize women as one, because we are individiduals that want different things in different ways.

 

You must look at her and see what will make her smile and go off of that. Whether she gained or lost weight, you must let her know, that she is beautiful and that you are there to motivate her/help her in whatever she wants to do. If she wants new clothes, get it for her, if it makes her feel better, at the same time, let her know that it's not how you look, it's how you feel. You can be thin and still look more sexy than those models out there.....the self-esteem should be there, and the boyfriend can help.