toomuchdietcola Posted November 1, 2006 Share Posted November 1, 2006 I lost almost 100 lbs. But I am so miserable anyway. I always thought if I could be thinner I would be happy. But I'm not. I feel almost the same. I was starting to feel good about myself, wearing cute skirts and stuff like that, but I honestly don't think I can handle this. I don't understand if I really have a problem or if this is the way it really is. I feel like men don't really like me. They just want to use me. Technically I have never had a boyfriend. the longest relationships (or whatever they were) were both about 5 months, and both times the guys told me they loved me and later they were like, no you're not my girlfriend, you were never my girlfriend. I don't know what I did wrong. maybe I let them know I liked them too soon. well anyways. all of a sudden I have a new body. Now everywhere I go men are looking at me. and it's weird. I don't know what to do. I think to myself, 100 pounds ago this guy would have done all he could to not look me in the eye. and if they ask me out, I get all shy and anxious, because guess what, never been on a real date either! One guy asked me to do dancing, and he was really nice, but I couldn't do it, because I don't really know how. I never went to clubs. who wants a woman who isn't experienced? They ask me questions about my sexual habits, etc, and I don't know what to say, because I haven't had much sex. I haven't had a relationship. I don't know if I should tell them or not. and I go on the internet and guys are always asking me for sex. They're not even trying to get to know me at all. I just don't get it. is this what everybody does now? they just go on websites like facebook and myspace and randomly ask for sex? The last time I had sex I had a pregnancy scare and an STD scare. so I am trying to be more careful. but now I am really sad because I think, nobody will ever care about me, all men want is sex, and then when they get it, they get to know you and decide they don't like you after all. I thought if I looked better guys would like me, but it backfired! They like me but not the way I want them to. so tonight I'm destructively going on a junkfood binge. I don't know why I even bothered. Okay I lost weight for health reasons, but I did think my social life would improve. and it has not. I feel hopeless. I actually at the start of this post almost started crying because I'm so frustrated. ](*,) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jilligirl Posted November 1, 2006 Share Posted November 1, 2006 I think your problem with men rests in the hands of: 1. Where you're meeting the men (are they drunken men at bars?); or 2. What you wear; or 3. How you carry yourself; or 4. They pick up on your insecurity and utilize it to their advantage In the end, though, not all "only" think about sex. Well, it does play a big part, but it's not everything to all men. Some men are actually looking for relationships. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sidehop Posted November 1, 2006 Share Posted November 1, 2006 Welcome to the forum and first of all congratulations in losing 100 lbs!!! That's absolutely amazing. What you did is something most people cannot accomplish in a life time. You should be very proud of yourself and accept yourself as who you are And yes, maybe because you are not used to your new looks, you may feel a bit awkward or wonder why all of a sudden the guys want you, but with the whole internet you feel like you're just being targeted for sex. Well you do know that's not all true. Who wants a woman who isn't experienced? There's absolutely nothing wrong with not being experienced! Reflect back on yourself & what you didn't have & always wanted. What is it? Just because you can't dance or haven't had experience in dating, sex, etc doesn't mean you're going to not attract anyone. Just look around, do most people you see everyday even see you because you just lost 100 lbs? No! They look at your because you look good & you probably show that naturally. The past is the past, but you have the new you You need to love yourself for who you are not worry what others will think. And those guys asking about sexual habits, I hope they're not asking such thing in the beginning because obviously that's a big red flag. I think right now is the time to focus on yourself and not worry too much about what others are thinking. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CarnelianButterfly Posted November 1, 2006 Share Posted November 1, 2006 You did a great thing for yourself losing that much weight. What an accomplishment!!! I've experienced a similar problem, I lost about 40lbs, I did it because of family health issues, I was really happy with how I looked then. I got a lot of confidence and really thought I was doing pretty good for myself. I've changed, men haven't, the same guys that wouldn't give me a 2nd thought, are now the guys that make me feel uncomfortable in my skin. Depending on the age group of men, like my age 20-30, they are shallow, over-sexed and not worth my time. I've had just as much trouble with self-image and self-worth as I had before. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin T Posted November 1, 2006 Share Posted November 1, 2006 I'm sorry that you've had such bad experiences with men, but I can assure you that not ALL men in my age range are "over-sexed." Many are, but not all are. I encourage you to hang in there and keep yourself healthy. You'll thank yourself in the long run and I cannot emphasize enough that there ARE some decent guys out there. You just have to find them! (I guarantee you will NOT find Mr. Right floating around a bar. Trust me on that.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toomuchdietcola Posted November 1, 2006 Author Share Posted November 1, 2006 Thank you for your comments But is it normal for men to just start talking about sex, always keeping a one track mind? Because in my experience, that is all I hear. I don't mean to sound like a manhater. I love men. I have great friendships with men. I just want somebody who wants to be my friend too and doesn't expect me to have sex the first time we're together, because it's dangerous. I don't see how guys on the Internet can't understand why women wouldn't want to meet up with them for sex. On the internet I don't think I'm asking for that kind of attention at all. The things I write about are usually campy and funny, I don't see why a man would look at it and go "yeah, she puts out". I think the way I carry myself is friendly and sweet, but I get nervous when approached sometimes. That is a problem. You have to understand, I still feel like if I walk past a group of guys they're going to snicker at me. I don't know how to fix this. Guys were always the meanest when I was younger, picking on me. I don't see how I can mentally block these thoughts out. I don't dress "slutty" I just meant I wear cuter, more feminine clothes than I used to, because when I was really big I didn't look good in a skirt. This is also an issue of just figuring out where I fit in. one of first things ppl say to me when they see me after the weight loss is, "are you seeing anyone?" and ppl are actually saying things like, "when you get married......" nobody ever said these things to me before. and I'm wondering..how do I do this? So it's not just that I care what people think, it's that I don't even know how relationships, attraction and stuff like that works. The men I have dated are shallow and immature. I'm sure there are men who are not, I just haven't met any, who are single. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
New_Horizons Posted November 1, 2006 Share Posted November 1, 2006 who wants a woman who isn't experienced? They ask me questions about my sexual habits, etc, and I don't know what to say, because I haven't had much sex. I haven't had a relationship. I don't know if I should tell them or not. I do! And I know I'm not the only guy in the world who does. I'd say it's sort of weird for men to be asking you questions about your sexual habits on the first date. You might want to avoid such men. As for men who ask you about it later, just answer them honestly. If they like it, great If they don't, they're too shallow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toomuchdietcola Posted November 1, 2006 Author Share Posted November 1, 2006 LOL, that sexual habits thing, that was actually going on even before I lost weight. It is very common for a guy to ask me if I give oral sex, If I like anal sex, if I'm kinky, how many men I've been with, If I also have sex with women, I swear, this is the way they talk to me. and I swear I don't think I'm asking for it. they go "heh heh" like it's supposed to be a joke. There has got to be another woman out there that agrees with me...I'm not crazy am I??? lol. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CarnelianButterfly Posted November 1, 2006 Share Posted November 1, 2006 I think the way I carry myself is friendly and sweet, but I get nervous when approached sometimes. That is a problem. You have to understand, I still feel like if I walk past a group of guys they're going to snicker at me. I don't know how to fix this. Guys were always the meanest when I was younger, picking on me. I don't see how I can mentally block these thoughts out. I hate to say this, but it is true, as a more physically attractive person you can be meaner (witchier, less nice, girl-next-door's not as sweet sister) and you don't get walked on by people as much. The sweet and friendly thing is fine for a while, but any more people will try to manipulate you or use you. I used to be very sweet and nice (nice as in I didn't make a fuss if people were stepping on me), I don't put up with it any more. I'm outspoken, I take care of myself, and it makes me less a target. If I'm in a sweet mood and walking alone on campus I feel more vulnerable than when I'm ticked off about something or thinking about my work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
New_Horizons Posted November 1, 2006 Share Posted November 1, 2006 If I'm in a sweet mood and walking alone on campus I feel more vulnerable than when I'm ticked off about something or thinking about my work. Same here. I nearly had an encounter on campus late at night with 3 teenaged boys who looked like they were up to something. I was preoccupied so I just walked right through them. I later heard they pepper sprayed and tried to mug another male student that night. And I'm only 5'6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin T Posted November 1, 2006 Share Posted November 1, 2006 Being miserable is good for self-protection at night, but it won't help you get a boyfriend (or a girlfriend... I guess.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CarnelianButterfly Posted November 1, 2006 Share Posted November 1, 2006 Being miserable is good for self-protection at night, but it won't help you get a boyfriend (or a girlfriend... I guess.) I didn't say "being miserable" I said being not so sweet, caring about your own problems and not worring about what people think or are doing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toomuchdietcola Posted November 1, 2006 Author Share Posted November 1, 2006 True. I'm not always sure when ppl are stepping on me though. One of my intentions of posting was to see if it's "normal" (maybe not healthy but common) for guys to talk to me this way. I'm asking because this is what has been going on for a long time. I can tell you that it is insulting, not because they want sex, but because my personality doesn't seem to matter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CarnelianButterfly Posted November 1, 2006 Share Posted November 1, 2006 Its all a matter of affect, if you look like a sweet girl that will not tell them to go away they will try anything they can. If you project yourself as being not so easy to deal with or not so inclined to let them act like that, they aren't going to try as much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin T Posted November 1, 2006 Share Posted November 1, 2006 I don't think it's right or even all that "normal", at least where I live. Of course guys are preoccupied with sex and may sometimes talk about it (but this kind of discussion should not be directed in the presense of women.) It's downright rude and disrespectful. You should be taking a stand against that kind of belligerence. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
New_Horizons Posted November 1, 2006 Share Posted November 1, 2006 Well you have to strike a balance between being too 'soft' and being too harsh and unavailable. With the latter option you might be turning off lots of nice guys who lack the confidence to poke through a girl's cold exterior. No matter how soft you are, a truly nice guy wouldn't step all over you. You'd be his manna from heaven. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toomuchdietcola Posted November 1, 2006 Author Share Posted November 1, 2006 CarnelianButterfly, I understand what you're saying, but I don't have the energy to be angry at people anymore.The issue for me is not protecting myself, it's that I am not meeting nice guys and I don't know how to function because of my new looks. I don't feel any different inside. I don't put up with crap, I don't let men talk me into sex. I just say, no. I don't think being * * * * *y does anything but turn them on more, because then they think you're playing. I usually just say the truth, I don't like the way you're talking to me. (I don't want to play). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
New_Horizons Posted November 1, 2006 Share Posted November 1, 2006 CarnelianButterfly. I don't think being * * * * *y does anything but turn them on more Yes that's proof that these guys are not nice. A nice guy would run like hell. Do you have any male friends? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toomuchdietcola Posted November 1, 2006 Author Share Posted November 1, 2006 Yes I have some. One tried it on me once and then he saw how pissed I was and was like "I'm sorry, I didn't think you'd be so offended". That to me shows a guy can care about you, but I also know, from knowing him for years, that he treats women like that all the time. (I just never thought he'd do it to me) I also know that some women like it. some women must be okay with being talked to like that and having sex with somebody they don't know or else these guys wouldn't be asking. I'm not trying to say men are pigs. Oversexed, yeah maybe. Maybe I'll just move to Canada. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin T Posted November 1, 2006 Share Posted November 1, 2006 We'd love to have ya. lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toomuchdietcola Posted November 1, 2006 Author Share Posted November 1, 2006 I'm not that far away actually. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin T Posted November 1, 2006 Share Posted November 1, 2006 Yeah, I live only about 20 minutes or so away from Buffalo, NY, so I'm pretty close myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
forza2 Posted November 1, 2006 Share Posted November 1, 2006 I'm not that far away actually. Where do you live? I know the states, but which one? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toomuchdietcola Posted November 1, 2006 Author Share Posted November 1, 2006 I'm in Minnesota Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Siriana Posted November 1, 2006 Share Posted November 1, 2006 Well you need to separate your weight loss and your feeling of not beeing able to have a relationship. First of all it is soo great you're in shape now. It is not an easy thing to do that. It requires a lot of sacrifice and persistance. Stay away from junk food, keep the fugure you're having now. The fact is your great body is making easier for you to meet guys, and yes, the world is not fair, better looks help at first. But later on it all depends on your self esteem. So keep the looks and aim on getting more confidence. Good looking + having self-esteem + beeing friendly = winning combination At this moment you don't value yourself high enough. You peeled off the first layer of becoming the better person, now you need to continue your job by becoming more self ashured. Try reading books on this subject to get the right perspective. I am postive that you are capable of becoming a strong woman man will respect. Erase your mind frame that is wrong. Good luck and all the best Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now