Girlfriend has some sex "issues". plz advise

[sandmander]

I need and would appreciate some help here.

 

My girlfriend of 3 months has some very real issues with sexual activity that I am just starting to see surface as we are getting more involved. She was basically raped at a very young age (13 or so) and recently got out of a 3 year relationship that consisted of constant verbal abuse, and more important to the topic at hand, a very mediocre, to unsatisfying sex life. She has told me that she rarely enjoyed sex with her former partner, as it was "all about him" and she became used to him asking for things (blowjobs, sex, etc etc).

 

That said, I am not the kind of man to ask her outright for a blowjob or anything else. I will and have hinted that I desire these things, and even encourage her when she touches me and takes charge. She rarely, if ever, actually initiates anything sexual, however, and when she has it has on both occasions ended quite awkwardly with her kind of smiling shyly and even kind of laughing a little in a very timid, and nearly scared way. She has described the feeling of wanting badly to just do certain things, but says she encounters a wall of sorts and she just freezes up.

 

We've not has intercourse, as I both feel she is not ready mentally, even if she physically desires this (as she says she does), and also because I am planning to wait until marriage to have sex, although I am quite confident with her in bed, and could see myself making an exception for her if the circumstances were great.

 

I have gone down on her a handful of times, nearly always giving her an orgasm, once giving her two. She often cannot believe that I am genuine in my outlook on sex as she has never had a lover (the one man she dated for 3 yrs) who had any real concern for her satisfaction. And I am extremely sincere in my desire for her complete and utter sexual satisfaction. I've gone 21 years without sexual contact of any real kind (as a personal choice) and honestly have great willpower and take a good deal of enjoyment out of seeing my girl orgasm.

 

We care a great deal about each other and get more comfortable with each other every day, but I am a man and since things have been a bit physical, I do have my own needs (I have not orgasmed in her presense yet.) That is not even to say I need to get off. What I need is a receptive and open partner who WANTS to please me as much as I want to please her. I have no interest in an emotionless bj/hj and if she is not into it, I can simply go without. She is trying to get to that point and is very unhappy that she reaches the barrior she describes, but it seems that she is betting on time to get her there.

 

It sounds to me like sex had become mechanic to her in her previous relationship, which in time had made her apprehension give way to complacency. Having a terrible, selfish lover probably only helped make sex that much more of a deluded experience for her, as opposed to the beautiful, satisfying, emotionally fulfilling experience it has the potential to be. I am set on achieving that place with her and helping her finally find sex as it was meant to be in her and my own life, but I am no psychologist, and on top of that have very little knowledge of sexual abuse, as has occurred in her youth.

 

For the record I have known her, and saw her very very frequently, for nearly two years before we started dating.

 

I love this girl very much and need advice on how to help in whatever way I can in the healing process regarding her traumatizing first time and current position towards sex.

 

Please ask any questions you have, and thank you very much for reading this.

[CarnelianButterfly]

I think you're doing a great job as is, she'll need time and your constant support. You treating her well and showing her that sex can be a really beautiful thing will eventually help her see how much joy she can have being with someone who really cares.

 

Good luck!

[itsallgrand]

She needs professional help if she has not gotten it yet. NEEDS. Is she getting it?

With you by her side supporting her, she could make amazing strides and learn - perhaps for the first time in her life - what it means to enjoy her sexuality.

 

I'm afraid if I start writing here I will go on for pages and pages. #1. You are helping her so much by just being you and understanding with patience #2. Her story reminds me of mine, minus the 3 yr relationship of hell. Instead I chose avoidance of all men til the right guy showed up and changed my world.

Her 3 yrs of hell were most likely acting-out of the original trama (i'm not a professional, but it sure does sound like the robotic almost compulsive behavior that a lot of victims find themselves taking part in.)

 

Main point is, doesn't sound like she has ever really dealt with the trauma completely yet. And now would be the perfect time.

 

One thing I would like to make clear is: when she looks scared and stops, more than likely she is terrified inside.

It truly is something can not be described or understood completely unless you've felt like that at some point. And I feel for your gf even though I've never seen her.

 

Another thing I'd like to say: is if she does take the proper time and is given the proper support in overcoming this, you will be very pleased at the self-confidence and level of pleasure she will be able to share. Healing from something like this gives a person a rock-solid sense of sexual self that is nearly impossible to break. You've been tested to the limits of what you think is possible, survive, heal, and then never ever can imagine allowing it to be imposed upon again. You know exactly what you want and what is/is not accept to you - and can express it loudly.

[sandmander]

Thank you both.

 

I guess I am not of super human strength and have little worries of my own. I love going down on her, and she enjoys it (actually she LOVES it and tells me I'm the best thing ever heh). But, I guess I'm wondering if this pattern is something that she could let go on for, well, ever. I can't speak from her point of view really, but I can say that if I felt terrified to do something sexual to another, but they were more than willing to give me as many wonderful orgasms as I pleased, I would probably just sink into a state of receiving pleasure and become increasingly uninterested in giving.

 

Although as I type this I realize how much trust that would build up over time and I definitely think that there is no harm in continuing things the way they have been going with my girlfriend.

 

I guess I just have no real experience with sexual abuse of any kind, especially dealing with lingering issues. What is the best course of action? I know there isn't a damned strategy guide, but what worked for those that have been in her shoes?

 

For now I will continue to move at her pace, and when she stops short like she does, I will touch the back of her head gently, kiss her softly, and whisper to her that I love and am okay with every part of her, and recline into a cuddling, wonderfully safe position with her, holding her and listening to us breathe. I think that I do love her very very much.

[sandmander]

She needs professional help if she has not gotten it yet. NEEDS. Is she getting it?

 

This may be true. However, suggesting this might be very touchy. Can you give me a reasonable way to suggest this, or at least tell me what kind of help is typically available for this.

[Deviant_Kate]

Not to be a copycat, but I wanted to tell you that it sounds like you're being WONDERFUL to this girl - exactly the kind of boyfriend she needs to show her that sex is NOT what she thinks it is.

 

I don't know if she'd be open to therapy, and I know it's expensive, but maybe you guys could find a local support groups for victims of sexual abuse/assault, and maybe even a group that allows partners of the abused to attend as well. It could be really good for the both of you.

 

When you're in love with a victim of sexual abuse, you become the second victim in the situation, 'cause there's no way you can love her and NOT be affected by what happened to her. My girlfriend can tell you that much She's spent about as much time crying over what happened to me as I have.

 

As I got more comfortable in our relationship, I got more comfortable with sex. All I really needed was support and time. I hope you and your girlfriend turn out to be so lucky.