Who acted wrong? My friend or me?

[Double J]

Hello,

 

Just looking for feedback regarding something that took place with an old friend yesterday.

 

My friend and I met at the 2 year college I attended before transferring to the university. Even though he got kicked out of the honors program we were both in, we stayed in touch, and ultimately what we always do is hang out at the park to play basketball.

 

Currently, I'm working roughly 15-20 hours a week in an internship and am a full time student (12 credits). He isn't going to school for financial reasons but does work more than I do (roughly 35 hours or so). Additionally, I'm in a relationship and spend more time with my g/f than with anyone else by far, while he's in a long-distance relationship (tends to travel to see her during holidays/vacations in their native country and then returns to the US).

 

Him and I have always gotten along well, but there have been times when we arrange to play and then one of us sort of leaves the other hanging. Whether it's because he abruptly got sick or I have a big test to study for, we sometimes call each other at the last minute to say we are unable to go.

 

As you can expect, he has more spare time than I do because his g/f lives far away and he doesn't have to worry about school. Recently he has asked me to play on 3 different occasions, and I've accepted, but due to several reasons, I've later taken a raincheck. On two of those occasions it was due to school, and for the third one, I wanted to accompany my g/f to the library in the downtown area of my city because it isn't the safest neighborhood. On that third occasion, he called me when I was on the way to the library and I told him it was a bit of an emergency. Maybe that wasn't necessarily true, but it was still urgent for me to go with her because I wanted to ensure she was ok. I then told him I'd promise him i'd go with him this week, that he could trust me.

 

On Sunday evening we were both on MSN Messenger. I kept attempting to talk to him, but all he'd do was "nudge" me over and over and not say a single word. He told me "brb" twice, and once he came back he told me he had to go. I told him that wasn't too nice because I was trying to talk to him, and his final response really hit me hard. He said something to the effect of: "That's what you get for not keeping your word 3 times. That is it !" and then he signed off. I was like, "What in the hell was that?" I thought what my friend did was childish, uncalled for, and downright rude. That's not the way you deal with these issues. Since this was over the internet, I'm not sure if I should construe his words to be those of an angry person or of someone joking around (because we do joke around a lot.) I'm not sure if he's jealous of me and my g/f or what the deal is.

 

How would you guys decipher what he said and what do you feel I should do now? I know that I messed up in a way, too. Sometimes it's better to say "no" from the beginning than to butter someone up for something and not follow through at the end. I have a tendency to do this sometimes and I'm trying to work on it, but I still think the way he acted was unnecessary.

[Scout]

Sorry, I'm with your friend on this. Three rainchecks in a row is asking a lot of people. And it certainly says, "My time is more valuable and important than your time."

 

You said yourself you have a tendency to back out of arranged get togethers, and you give the possible reasons why. That's a good start. Fix what you need to fix so you can be a more reliable friend in this area.

 

Maybe your friend handled it the way he did because he's not used to being blown off repeatedly. Not saying his actions were the most mature, but at least he did tell you at the end exactly why he was doing those actions.

[Double J]

I understand that I should have told him from the beginning that I couldn't meet up with him instead of stringing him along until the last minute. However, the way in which he dealt with this at the end was unfair. The things he said seemed very deliberate and had "let me get this guy back" written all over it. I neglected to mention that he has left me hanging in times prior, but that's besides the point. When my friend wants to conveniently push me aside, he does the same. Sometimes we agree to play games online (we each play from our respective houses) such as Yahoo Pool, etc. We agree on a certain time to play, and sometimes he does things similar to what I did, but worse.. He'll fall asleep and never come online, or he'll come online 45 minutes later (because he was talking to his girlfriend on the phone). How is that any different? It's probably worse. At least I didn't actually agree to meet up him and left him sitting alone at the place - I told him beforehand.

[Beec]

I think looking for who's at fault is not the right way to keep a friend.

[candywor]

I agree with Beec. Your friend is upset and he has every right to me. You should apologize instead of trying to figure out who's right or wrong cause in this case your actions offended him, and ignore the previous cases esp if you value his friendship

[jimthzz]

library versus games?

 

I'm thinking that was a pretty lame excuse that you lavelled as urgent or an emergency.

 

Your girlfriend would have been just fine going to the library by herself.

 

But even if that is not so or you just preferred her company that day, you knew that your excuse was lame and chose to lie to your friend about it.

 

And on top of all that you don't give him a chance to find something else to do with his time which you have judged to be less valuable than your own.

 

He was a little immature on the phone, but it was in response to your repeated actions towards him.

[Double J]

I'm not looking for who's at fault. I realize I should have said no from the beginning, but do you feel that what he did at the end was appropriate?

[Beec]

I'm trying not to judge either of you. If I say he is at fault or if he did something correctly or not, is that going to allow you to convince him of it? Can I convince you that you were wrong? I doubt either can be convinced.

 

Your friendship is chaging due to time and circumstance. It happens. I'd let him know, soon, not now, you still want him as a friend.

[Scout]

I'm not looking for who's at fault.

 

Not to nitpick, but the title of your thread does ask us to give our opinion on who we thought was wrong - you or your friend.

 

From my point of view, it appears you are offended that your friend showed he was offended.