Getting over approach anxiety

[dr.idunno]

Guys, I really want to ask this girl out but no matter how committed I am in doing it, I feel so overwhelmed with emotions and nervousness. My brain tells me to just go and do it but for some reason my emotions takes over my whole body and I end up telling myself to come back the next time.

 

Can some of you share some of your secrets in overcoming approach anxiety?

[annie24]

hm. there is a huge class of drugs (beta-blockers) that are used for performance anxiety (like giving a speech, a sporting event, etc....) but never mind, before you go that route....

 

what are you anxious about? do you think she'll say no? laugh at you? tell the entire world that you are a loser?

 

do you REALLY think things will be that drastic?

 

worst case scenario, she will say something like, "I'm sorry, I'm already busy that night," or "I'm sorry, I'm not interested." Most people try to be tactful when turning someone down, and they won't laugh in your face.

 

I would say get down to the bottom of your anxieties and try to work from there....

[dr.idunno]

hm. there is a huge class of drugs (beta-blockers) that are used for performance anxiety (like giving a speech, a sporting event, etc....) but never mind, before you go that route....

 

 

Actually beta-blockers are used to lower blood pressure. It lowers heart rate and decreases the contractility of the heart

 

anyways I cant figure out what exatly it is. My friends tell me to just go for it since the girl has been giving me a lot of positive signs but once I decide to finally do it, my body turns around even though my mind is telling me to just do it and get it over with

[annie24]

Actually beta-blockers are used to lower blood pressure. It lowers heart rate and decreases the contractility of the heart

 

and.... like I said.... beta-blockers are also used for performance anxiety!

 

well.... keep thinking about it.... what specifically makes you freak out about asking out a girl?

 

let's say you see a girl you like.... what do you feel? and then as you are telling your feet to walk over to her, what then goes through your mind? what sets you off into panic mode???

[NJRon]

In my experience, the only way to get over that kind of anxiety is just to do it. You are either successful and all is well... or you realize that getting turned down isn't all that big of a deal... at least not compared to the anxiety you put yourself through in the first place.

 

The best way to end the anxiety is to just get it over with...

[dr.idunno]

ok lemme try to explain one instance.

 

Last week I was determined to ask the girl out but once one the elevator, I could not force myself to get off the floor she was working on. I actually ended up on the top floor...lol... to try to recuperate. After that I tried again, and the same thing happened.

 

Im pretty confident in other aspects in my life. Im about to graduate and I have my whole life in front of me. Im a good guy; dont drink, dont do drugs, etc. but when it comes down to women, I feel that I want to be with one so bad that I feel guilt pursuing it. This happened to me so many times but I really felt I had a great connection with this girl and I feel guilty of asking her.

 

I've been through a lot in my childhood and I was very shy. I've been working hard in improving myself and I have seen some degree of success. I thought I was over some of these negative experiences and I felt really good at one point but when I met this girl, I didn't expect we would clik, but then it happened. She even gave me a big smile the other day and my friend was all over me that day for not approaching her. It seems my past pops right back in when Im about to ask her out. sigh....its really frustrating

[annie24]

so what happened when the elevator door opened on her floor? what thoughts went through your head? what kept you from walking out?

[NJRon]

I met a girl... she smiled when she saw me... not just any smile either, but one that just lit up her whole face and made me feel those butterflies. It took me about 6 weeks to work up the courage to ask her out because... you know... I figured she would never say yes.

 

Well.. I asked her out and she was very excited about it. Had I not asked her out, who knows what would have happened.

 

People like that come along very rarely. You need to reach out and grab the opportunity before it goes away. You are agonizing over something you haven't even done yet. End the agony... put yourself out of your misery and ask her out.

 

The only way to do it is to do it... wouldn't you rather just end this? One way or another?

 

Besides.. if you feel the same way that I did when she smiled at you, then there is probably something there. Enough to take the risk.

 

Live in the now... you need to wipe out your "roleplaying of the future"... you're just holding yourself back.

[dr.idunno]

so what happened when the elevator door opened on her floor? what thoughts went through your head? what kept you from walking out?

 

FEAR...perhaps fear of rejection or fear of thinking I'm not good enough. I was thinking why would she like me or if my friends were right, what does she see in me? I dont have many friends, I dont have a car, I have a lot of loans to pay off, my family is separated. Can I even date her when I dont have all the support that I need (socially and fianancially)?

[annie24]

so, in a sense, you are worried about being rejected because you don't feel like you have a "complete person" to offer her?

 

would you reject a woman if she didn't have a job, had a lot of loans, and not a lot of friends?

[dr.idunno]

so, in a sense, you are worried about being rejected because you don't feel like you have a "complete person" to offer her?

 

would you reject a woman if she didn't have a job, had a lot of loans, and not a lot of friends?

 

you pretty much summed it and no I won't esp. if its her asking me I have a perfectionist side to me. I want to ask her at the best possible time and hte best possible circumstance and I like to be in control of the whole situation but I realize I cant have that and it makes me very anxious.

[Dilly]

Follow NJ ROn's and Annie's advice and just do it!!! It will give you such a rush and believe it or not, you'll feel better about it.

[NJRon]

You are playing out scenarios in your head that are fake, because you don't know what will happen. Instead of imagining how unworthy you are and how great she is and how she will reject you... start playing in your head scenes where you ask her out and she is excited... ecstatic. Stop negative talk and start positive talk. Almost everyone I know that is successful *imagines* themselves as successful... there's a reason there...

[annie24]

well... think about the things that you DO have to offer to a woman. 1 - ok, so your family life isn't perfect, but that is completely beyond your control. 2 - you are a student, all students have debt, that is acceptable. 3 - you don't have a car, not a big deal. i have dated plenty of men without a car and I don't have one either. 4 - but you have some friends, right? just because you have 5 friends instead of 25 doesn't mean that you are not worthy.

 

i think you've just gotta believe that you have a lot to offer to a great woman. think of all your great qualities.

[dr.idunno]

ok guys. I guess i'll just have to force myself to do it no matter how nervous I can be. I wont see her for another week but when I do, I'll ask her out. I'll keep you updated that way I have an added incentive to do it. Ill try to remember what you all said the moment Im about to do the approch.

 

Thank you

[Dilly]

Adaboy!!! Think positive and know you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

[atraceofblood]

hey man I've been in similar situations as you. I've made the excuses, I've grown up shy, I am not like other college students that party, I don't even have a Cell phone, but I do have a car haha.

 

Eventually I've had to make a move, and yes I did feel good about myself for at least trying. It sucks that I have been rejected everytime I've tried, but I tried! Just remember to keep your head up. There has to be a girl out there for you!

[dr.idunno]

Well I did it. I chose to do it today and took all your advice to heart.

 

I'm very disappointed but at the same time I feel that I accomplished something...I was expecting more of a direct answer from her, but instead she told me she was on a serious relationship. From my point of view and my friend's point of view it didn't seem like she had someone the way she interacted with me and I told her that. I told her 'I would have never known by the way you acted.' She didn't say a thing but said we could still see each other around the building. But I don't plan on doing that. I don't want to be the guy who follows women around when there's no hope in starting a romantic relationship. I hope she learned something from this and not mess around other guys when they are not single. WHY DO WOMEN DO THIS! I hope I can get over this and I know I can. At least I know where I stand.

[NJRon]

That's great! I mean, it happens.... but aren't you glad you did this and can now stop obsessing over some girl that's already dating someone? And good for you for not wanting to be the guy in the wings! That's teriffic!

 

You'll get over it and, now you know... it's not that hard to approach someone. I always do so with the automatic assumption that they will say yes... and, when they say no, I just tell myself that I'm glad she didn't say yes because, obviously, she's not my type (otherwise, she would have said yes ) Yeah... I know... a little mind game I play to myself... but it keeps me going and also keeps me from feeling to bad when I am shot down.

 

Keep it up

[Dilly]

Excellent news. I'm so glad she was honest and forthright about her situation and that you now know the score. Also, I think women play around with guys' heads because they also have egos that need to be stroked. I would not say that all women are like this but I've seen some girls in relationships (one of my close friends even) and she would sit on guys' laps at work, let them do all of her work for her (and they did), and she just really was riding on a magic carpet. I don't think these types really change either so either way, you got good data on her and no, I would hold that against her and distract any residual interest for her towards something respectable.

 

I'm so glad you know.

[annie24]

hey - I think you should be proud of yourself, you took a chance and went for it! that is great. I'm sorry she's already taken, too bad. but, oh well, there are other fishies in the sea.

 

good work!

[JustFriends]

although it's probably easier said than done, just going up to her and asking her thereby getting it over with really is the best way to do these sorts of things. what's worked for me in the past is to not think at all about what it's going to be like, what i'm going to say, what she might say, etc., and just plunging into the situation. i think that would force you to instinctually deal with the situation at hand, and everything would happen much more naturally. I'm not saying you'll necessarily fell any different right before you're about to talk to her, but if at thagt moment you jus shut your mind off and stop thinking about anything and everything and just take the plunge when it seems like you can't, you'll find that it wasn't so hard afterall and everything will go much more smoothly.

[Dating Coach]

Guys, I really want to ask this girl out but no matter how committed I am in doing it, I feel so overwhelmed with emotions and nervousness. My brain tells me to just go and do it but for some reason my emotions takes over my whole body and I end up telling myself to come back the next time.

 

Can some of you share some of your secrets in overcoming approach anxiety?

 

I was going to hate to be the bearer of downer advice but I was going to tell you that it looked bleak. All I had to do was read the above to know this. Why? Because when you build someone up this much in your mind before you have made a single overt move, then you are not in a position to be very attractive. 99% of the time you will fail if you go about it this way.

 

You need to suck it up and ask a girl out or get her phone number within the first few meetings. It is a lot better to be rejected the third time you've talked to a girl than after you've been drooling over her for 3 months. Plus, it gives you less time to start off in the friendzone.

 

Well I did it. I chose to do it today and took all your advice to heart.

 

I'm very disappointed but at the same time I feel that I accomplished something...I was expecting more of a direct answer from her, but instead she told me she was on a serious relationship. From my point of view and my friend's point of view it didn't seem like she had someone the way she interacted with me and I told her that. I told her 'I would have never known by the way you acted.' She didn't say a thing but said we could still see each other around the building. But I don't plan on doing that. I don't want to be the guy who follows women around when there's no hope in starting a romantic relationship. I hope she learned something from this and not mess around other guys when they are not single. WHY DO WOMEN DO THIS! I hope I can get over this and I know I can. At least I know where I stand.

 

Why do women do this? She didn't do anything. What did she do? Flirt? Tease? Touch? You led yourself on, and so did your friends by telling you she was interested. None of the things she did to you were signs of interest. A real sign of interest would be her making out with you, having sex with you, showing up on time looking nice for dates with you, etc. The rest of the stuff, smiling, laughing, teasing, flirting, etc, those are all things people do with others for fun. They are not reliable "signs of interest". She never gave you a reliable sign of interest (the bold above).

 

The good news is that this is merely your inexperience working here. You can learn how to overcome all of this. Don't blame women for flirting and teasing, because that stuff is fun for everyone. If you find yourself as a guy who has such a bad crush that flirting and teasing everyday with that person is torture, then it is your own fault for not gathering the courage to make your move and get your answer. It's not the fault of women and flirting.

 

Read the link in my signiture. It will hold some valuable information for you.

[dr.idunno]

I was going to hate to be the bearer of downer advice but I was going to tell you that it looked bleak. All I had to do was read the above to know this. Why? Because when you build someone up this much in your mind before you have made a single overt move, then you are not in a position to be very attractive. 99% of the time you will fail if you go about it this way.

 

You need to suck it up and ask a girl out or get her phone number within the first few meetings. It is a lot better to be rejected the third time you've talked to a girl than after you've been drooling over her for 3 months. Plus, it gives you less time to start off in the friendzone..

 

I actually just met/talked to this girl on 3 occasions and the 3rd one being the approach. I agree with what you have stated, but I think my mistake was I didn't ask for her number and a date the 1st time around because that was when most of our interactions took place... I realized that day that I made a mistake (and was very hard on myself). I guess I was trying to redeem myself afterwards.

 

Why do women do this? She didn't do anything. What did she do? Flirt? Tease? Touch? You led yourself on, and so did your friends by telling you she was interested. None of the things she did to you were signs of interest. A real sign of interest would be her making out with you, having sex with you, showing up on time looking nice for dates with you, etc. The rest of the stuff, smiling, laughing, teasing, flirting, etc, those are all things people do with others for fun. They are not reliable "signs of interest". She never gave you a reliable sign of interest (the bold above). .

 

I agree, but on that 1st day I thought she was giving me buying signals for me to ask her out but my mistake was I didn't do it.

 

The good news is that this is merely your inexperience working here. You can learn how to overcome all of this. Don't blame women for flirting and teasing, because that stuff is fun for everyone. If you find yourself as a guy who has such a bad crush that flirting and teasing everyday with that person is torture, then it is your own fault for not gathering the courage to make your move and get your answer. It's not the fault of women and flirting..

 

Yes its inexperience. I read your your post (from the signature) and I feel I had a good grasp on it. The biggest mistake I had was I didn't close the deal the 1st time around =/.

 

As for the signs of interest, you gave me a different perspective here...and again I agree.

[Dating Coach]

It's good that you did it within 3 meetings, but be careful that you don't move too fast emotionally. If a girl rejected me on a date within 3 meetings I wouldn't even be thinking about her much after that. She's have eliminated herself from potential dates and I would be looking elsewhere for someone who would be interested in dating. A guy must be careful to not get too emotionally involved with someone before finding out where they stand.