Booty call

[a2000]

There's this guy that I know. He is on the same degree course as me at university. We went out afew times but now instead of going out, we go to his flat (we haven't had s_x yet even though he wants to)

 

My problem is.. we are "just friends" which is ok at the moment because we haven't done much but the main thing is.. he ignores me at university. The most he ever says is "hi, you alright?" and I say "hi, yeah"

 

He can't talk at all when he is with his mates. If by a miracle he is on his own we do have a short conversation, not much though.

 

The only time we have contact is when he texts me to ask me round his flat.

 

So when he next says "Do you want to come round this weekend?"

How can I tell him that I don't, if we hardly ever talk and I don't even know if he is single and I'm not ready for s_x and I don't want to be a booty call.

 

What can I say to him?

[Honey Pumpkin]

Tell him! If you like him, instead of going round to his flat suggest going out for a drink/movies/coffee etc. Make it clear that you expect more. if you settle for his behaviour, how is he going to know that you're hacked off with him? Be upfront.

[rose2summer]

You can say to him that it would be nice to get some coffee instead.

 

Hun, don't have sex with a guy who cannot talk to you in front of family/friends, etc.

 

That just shows how little he values getting to know you.

 

Don't be his drive through late nite fast food restaurant, because if he was really interested, he would be all over wanting to show you off.

 

Hugs, Rose

[BrokenHeart82]

OK first things first, you owe this guy NOTHING...so dont go worrying about how you approach him.

 

Next time he texts, just say no I dont want to come around. Chances are, sorry to say, the moment you arent drop dead easy, he is going to just take his talent elsewhere.

It sounds like this guy might have somebody else hes legitimately seeing since he doesnt really talk to you in public. In whatever case, I dont see that he has any real feelings for you.

[CarnelianButterfly]

This guy sounds like a jerk. He wants to have sex just to use you for sex. If he can't take the time to talk to you except to say "come to my place so I can try to score" Hes not worth it. Tell him NO flat out. It won't be rude, it won't be wrong, you have the right to expect to be treated well and not like sex on tap.

[Batya33]

I would simply say "no thank you - I'm no longer comfortable just hanging out with you at your flat." Period. He needs to be motivated to suggest an alternative - a date in public that he plans in advance.

[chai714]

He may or may not be a "jerk." Is a guy a "jerk" because he wants to have sex with a woman he's attracted to? If so, consider me one too.

 

a2000,

 

Humans will push you to your limits. They will test you and see how far they can go until you draw the line. As long as you continue seeing him on his terms and going along with his terms, then consider yourself "buying into" what he's selling you. Afterall, he's not forcing you to go see him at his flat - this is something you're doing voluntarily.

 

So how can you get him to care about you and respect you more? I think this is the key question here. He can only care about you once he has some sort of emotional investment. So, this would require getting to know him on a more personal level - which is why I think seeing him outside his flat would be good. Now, as far as him respecting you - this will come as a result of how he sees you as a person, which has a lot to do with how you see yourself - that is, self-respect. If you want something more with this guy, don't jump in the sack just yet. Date him, get to know him, and let this gradually progress.

 

Good luck.

[Beec]

Chai is on point, the only thing he does not suggest is how to get him out of his place to see you elsewhere. If you go for the coffee, etc., then you are asking him to sit down and have a "conversation" and that may or may not go well. If you discuss what you wrote about, it probably won't go well. However, if you have him meet you to do something fun, then you get a chance to bond. Men bond by doing things. Ask him to go shoot pool.

[CarnelianButterfly]

He may or may not be a "jerk." Is a guy a "jerk" because he wants to have sex with a woman he's attracted to? If so, consider me one too.

I consider him a jerk because he barely acknowledges her except to try to get in her pants. He's using her. To me, men that only want sex are jerks, expecially if they try to get it thru methods like this one is using.

[Day_Walker]

Of course he is going to push for sex, since she willingly goes to his place. The problem here is that she is not making it clear what she wants. If you dont want to have something casual then you need to tell him or realize that this guy isnt what you are looking for. You know exactly what this guy wants and if you keep going to back to place and letting him treat you this way then you are affirming his behavior.

[Beec]

I consider him a jerk because he barely acknowledges her except to try to get in her pants. He's using her. To me, men that only want sex are jerks, expecially if they try to get it thru methods like this one is using.

 

But that's the test many men use on women. If she lets a man have sex without emotional attachment, she is too easy, and not worth his time. If she holds out, she may be. And that test is built into men by evolution.

 

Women have different tests for men. If he rolls over and yields to her whining or nagging, he is not sufficient. Women, commonly but not always, want men who cares, but also can be firm.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

I was in the same situation years ago. The guy I was "dating" really only called me when he wanted something. He would call and I would go over, one thing lead to another...well you get the picture. We really never went out on proper dates, we just hung out at his place. Looking back...I was young and dumb. Not saying you are...just my behavior.

 

If he ignores you at Uni and does not associate with you around his friends and only calls when you are around his place, the chances of him wanting sex and only that is pretty high. I would not say he is a jerk, because people treat you as you allow them to. If you are not interested in being courted in that manner, I would have to say do not have anything to do with him. He is not your type. Move on. There are plenty of other guys out there whom are willing to ask you out on a proper date.

 

Good luck.

[Siriana]

Just say to him: No, I don't want to.

And than ignore him. He is not worth of your time. He is thinking that you're naive and easy to sleep with.

[CarnelianButterfly]

But that's the test many men use on women. If she lets a man have sex without emotional attachment, she is too easy, and not worth his time. If she holds out, she may be. And that test is built into men by evolution.

 

Women have different tests for men. If he rolls over and yields to her whining or nagging, he is not sufficient. Women, commonly but not always, want men who cares, but also can be firm.

Role playing is only fun when it involves dice. The whole thing about we all have roles and a place is so old and tired, we're people, we have minds of our own and can think beyond some cave man construct. I don't test my significant other, he's a person not a lab rat, he has his own life, goals and character. We get along together because we are open and honest with each other, not because we've ranked well on the latest round of emotional examinations.

[Beec]

Role playing is only fun when it involves dice. The whole thing about we all have roles and a place is so old and tired, we're people, we have minds of our own and can think beyond some cave man construct. I don't test my significant other, he's a person not a lab rat, he has his own life, goals and character. We get along together because we are open and honest with each other, not because we've ranked well on the latest round of emotional examinations.

 

If so, you are either a very rare set of individuals or kidding yourself. Most people do not live in such situations. I know I don't.

 

Most men have many things common with other men, and the same goes for women. Are these hard and fast roles? Of course not. But the things in common are things in common. If you break the mold, good for you. If you don't, forget them at your peril. However, most of us only break the molds in small ways. We fit them more than we would ever like to admit.

 

You may not, but the guy who is asking her to come over and seems like he only wants a booty call, will probably never have a relationship with her if things turn into only a booty call. I have broken this particular mold myself, many years ago. Most will not.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Oh wow....don't be yet another woman silenced by the very fact she is female.

 

If you are OK with just having sex with him and not a relationship, fair enough. Because he sure as heck ain't gonna give you anything but sex.

 

You need to tell him outright that you don't (adjust to fit your particular beliefs) have sex outside a half-decent relationship, or you don't do Friends With Benefits.

 

And if you don't feel you can tell him that/"No", DON'T be on your own with him.

[Honey Pumpkin]

But that's the test many men use on women. If she lets a man have sex without emotional attachment, she is too easy, and not worth his time. If she holds out, she may be. And that test is built into men by evolution.

 

Women have different tests for men. If he rolls over and yields to her whining or nagging, he is not sufficient. Women, commonly but not always, want men who cares, but also can be firm.

 

You know, I think I agree with you. I'm in my thirties now, and I know that relationships go better when I don't jump in the sack on the first date. It works better for me, emotionally, but it also seems to make the relationship go better. I don't agree that this is *right*, but I know that it kind of puts a rarity value on getting me in bed. That by the time he's gotten me into bed, he feels like he's getting something very special.

 

I don't think this is always true, but...I don't know, in my experience taking your time seems to make things go better. My friend sleeps with men all the time on the first date, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that at ALL - it's just she's desperate for love, a relationship, the whole thing, and it never ever pans out.

 

Hmmm.