brynn__ Posted October 14, 2006 Share Posted October 14, 2006 I turned 18 a few days ago and as a birthday present from my friend she wants to take me to get my tongue pierced. I've always wanted my tongue pierced but my mother says I can't. She says as long as I'm living under her roof I can't. Now financially I can't afford to live on my own but I do make enough so that I could live with a roomate. And I told my mother in the nicest way I could that I would have to live on my own if I'm not allowed to have the freedom to do what I want. After that she went on screaming that I'm not allowed to move out until I'm done with my 4 years of college. Also, I just graduated highschool in june and i'll be starting college in january, another thing that she doesn't like. It's not only the tongue piercing that I can't do... I can't even dye my hair unless I go to the hair dresser she goes to and she calls my cell phone screaming if I'm not home by 11. I can't live like this, she still treats me like a kid. My sister is 21 and is treated just as I am but she doesn't seem to care and my oldest sister moved out as soon as she could because my mother was like this and they have a horrible relationship. I don't want to have a bad relationship with my mother but how can I get her to realize that I'm an adult now and I can make my own decisions? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CarnelianButterfly Posted October 14, 2006 Share Posted October 14, 2006 If you live in someone else's house then you are subject to their rules. Preserving your relationship with your mother will mean you need to look at things from how she might see them. Getting your tongue pierced, staying out late, not going to college, these all are situations that put your future at risk. The tongue piercing could give you an infection, damage your teeth, and cause nerve damage in your mouth. Staying out late, means coming home late, which means you could very well be waking the whole house hold by your late arrival (my Mom is a light sleeper so she hears every socked footstep or gently shut door). Making sure you get an education is her way of making sure you will be able to get a good job and take care of yourself. Don't confuse concern with being treated like a child, she's acting out of love and protection for you. Maybe you can talk to her about paying rent and getting more privileges then she can make sure you go to school and let you live a little less restricted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GottaLetItBurn Posted October 14, 2006 Share Posted October 14, 2006 Your mom can't make that decision you can. You have to suffer the consequences though, think about it. Nothing much anyone on here can do for you. My dad hates my brothers recent tattoos, and we are 19. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melrich Posted October 14, 2006 Share Posted October 14, 2006 Well I think you have done the right thing in advising her that you may move out. Now I think you have to really sit down with her and talk to her adult to adult. Explain that she has no jursisdiction over you in such matters and that the issue is really trivial and not worth damaging relationships over. Whilst I agree that when living in anothers house you must obey their "rules', I am not sure that extends to their making moral and aesthetic judgements about the way you look. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsallgrand Posted October 14, 2006 Share Posted October 14, 2006 Do you really want to move out right now, or would you prefer to stay at home while going to school? Some moms freak out of and put a lot of pressure around this time bc they are scared poopless of losing their babies. (It's hard on a mom to come to terms that her kid is grown up!). If you could reassure her you will still love her, be in her life, and respect her it may help. But this sort of thing is so normal at your age.....you just kinda have to assert your independence in a mature manner and get through it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
InaneCathode Posted October 14, 2006 Share Posted October 14, 2006 Well. You're living in her house, and you're her son. So outside of any other moral issues you really do have to 'live by her rules as long as you're living under her roof' Outside of that, try talking to her frankly, as adults. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fallout Posted October 14, 2006 Share Posted October 14, 2006 Oh how I hate that expression "her house her rules". Parents don't have the "life or death" right on their child, there is a moral and legal limit to what those rules can be. Let's see....not allowed to go to a hair dresser unless it's the one she chooses ?!? Not allowed to leave the house until you finish college at 22 ? You're 18, a legal adult, keeping you forcefully inside is the same as taking you hostage from the legal perspective, in my opinion from the moral one as well...Sounds like that mother has some problems in her head.. Also Carmelian read more carefully please, it is the mother who doesn't want the OP to go to college, the OP wants that, so the mother is putting her future at risk! brynn sounds like your mother can be abusive in some ways, although not extreme as other cases....still. My advice to you is to grab a roommate and leave that house and don't look back, like your older sister did. She is not going to change for the better, it's too late at her age and most importantly she doesn't see anything wrong with the way she's acting not even after her daughter isn't talking to her. People that are like that don't deserve a relationship with their children IMO. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joeG Posted October 14, 2006 Share Posted October 14, 2006 I'm 23, don't live with my mother, and she still freaked when I got my tongue pierced haha! Not really freaked, more of a "Gross!Yuck!No I dont want to see it!!" I think it's a little ridiculous, that at 18 yrs old, you have a 11 o'clock curfew. Have you ever tried sitting down with her and discussing these things? And just to for warn you. Tongue piercings HURT like HELL for a good week afterwards. You won't be able to eat any food other than soft, liquid type things. It doesn't hurt the first day/night you get it done, it's when you wake up with drool coming down both sides of your mouth, and a 4 inch thick tongue it really starts to hurt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brando Posted October 14, 2006 Share Posted October 14, 2006 No offense 18 is far from an adult. It is more than age that brings onself to adult hood. It is easy to have high ideals when living in your parents house. Until you get out on your own you will not be able to se this. Anyway what is the worse thing that can happen if you got your tongue pierced with out her blessing. She will be upset?? Do you think she will throw you out?? I would sit her down and talk to her. It isnt about the coploring of your hair or the tongue piercing thing, these are not reasons to move out, I do understand you want to be more independent. SO i would talk to her with this in mind, and not mention the other things like the piercing and such, not a strong leg to stand on. Your mother is a controller, i know it is a horrible experience living under her thumb, and she may feel hurt or upset by your one sisters' act of moving out. You are 18 and think you are an adult, show it to her by trying to sit down and talk to her rationally. It does not mean she will agree with you, but if you want to be treated as an adult by showing her you are open to discussing these things calmly may get youy the extra lee way you are looking for. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fallout Posted October 14, 2006 Share Posted October 14, 2006 Well sorry but I disagree...if she found nothing wrong with her ways after she lost one daugher due to her controlling..she won't now either. Rational talk is all good but it has to be done with people that have reason and common sense. What worries me is her mother saying she's "not allowed to move out" until she finishes college...how exactly can she stop her ? lock her in her room and cuff her to the bed ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
renaissancewoman101 Posted October 14, 2006 Share Posted October 14, 2006 If you're living at home, you are subject to their rules. My mother was like that. I didnt get my driver's license till I was 18 and they never let me drive out late. I wasnt allowed to go out late. I didnt have a curfew per se, but my mom didnt like me to hang out with my friends a lot. When I graduated high school, I moved away to go to college, but when I came home for the holidays, my mom was still strict about how late I stayed out. One time I went out with some friends and stayed out till 2 AM. I was 19 at the time (had come home for the holidays). My mother flipped out when I got home (even though I had told her I would be late coming home) and we got into a major argument. My mom also flips out if I do something major to my hair, etc. Parents dont like to see thier kids grow up. It could be a cultural thing. I am Chinese and my parents are pretty traditional, meaning the girls dont stay out late, obey parents, etc. My dad is pretty liberal for a Chinese person, mainly because he is a college professor and has been exposed to American society for a long time. My mom is VERY traditional. The best thing for you to do is probably to move out. The parents may not like it and will fight you tooth and nail, but it will give you the freedom you want. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brando Posted October 14, 2006 Share Posted October 14, 2006 Their is an old saying for aspiring writers, which i think applies to life as well. Show don't tell. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CharLit Posted October 14, 2006 Share Posted October 14, 2006 Brynn, if you've explored every possible avenue for settling these issues rationally with your mom, I would indeed move out if I were you: it might lead to a normal relationship with her once she realises she can't control you, and it will give you the freedom you seek. Where I live it's perfectly normal for people to move out the moment they go to college at 18, you'll be fine. Also, and on a side note because I think your problems with your mom are are bigger than not being allowed a piercing, my tongue piercing didn't cause an infection, it didn't damage my teeth in 6 years of wearing it (just don't play with it and click it against your teeth, that looks silly anyway), and it wasn't all that sore in the beginning. I could eat anything, just had to go a little slower than usual. My mom eventually got used to it too, and most of the time forgot it was there - whenever she did notice it she'd go "oooh I forgot you had that thing, lets have a look!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
n83 Posted October 15, 2006 Share Posted October 15, 2006 The bottom line is, if you want to be treated like an adult, you need to show your parents you can handle adult responsibilities. If you are really that desperate to have some independence, you should really consider moving out. It's unfair to expect your mother to protect you while demanding that she gives you independence. Even if you feel she is being unreasonable, the thing to do is just leave, and start raising yourself. By the way, tongue piercings really aren't that great. They're really nothing special or unique. They can also do some serious damage... but that's besides the point... fight for things worth fighting for. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
InaneCathode Posted October 15, 2006 Share Posted October 15, 2006 Well sorry but I disagree...if she found nothing wrong with her ways after she lost one daugher due to her controlling..she won't now either. Rational talk is all good but it has to be done with people that have reason and common sense. What worries me is her mother saying she's "not allowed to move out" until she finishes college...how exactly can she stop her ? lock her in her room and cuff her to the bed ? The kid is 18 years old for christs sake, legally an adult but virtually a child by pretty much every standard. It's real simple: If one doesnt like the rules of ones parents, move out. It's simply rediculous to suggest the kid can do whatever he/she wants just because he/she has the money/ability to do so. It's totally unfair to demand independence from your parents yet turn around and disobey their rules and requests, no matter how rediculous. Her house, her rules. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fallout Posted October 15, 2006 Share Posted October 15, 2006 Gawd, I swear that saying is like a mantra stuck in people's heads....there are limits to what rules parents can set before it becomes abuse...tho that's not quite the case here, but an 18 year old should be treated differently than a 14 year old and I despise the parents that don't. The OP was just asking for advice, there's no need for bashing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
n83 Posted October 15, 2006 Share Posted October 15, 2006 Certain rules do seem strict, but it seems that she is doing it out of love, not any desire to dominate you or control your life... Parents are scared their kids will do things that will affect them forever. It's hard to see that now but it's true... Your parents, most likely, just want the best for you and want to keep you safe. Sometimes parents go overboard with that.. but InaneCathode is right.. While you're there, you should try to respect their rules. One day you can make your own but until then, try to work with your parents. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
InaneCathode Posted October 15, 2006 Share Posted October 15, 2006 Theres a pretty clear and bold line between abuse and rules... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fallout Posted October 15, 2006 Share Posted October 15, 2006 Is it really ? How would you describe not being allowed to move out when you're over 18 and a legal adult ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
InaneCathode Posted October 16, 2006 Share Posted October 16, 2006 Is it really ? How would you describe not being allowed to move out when you're over 18 and a legal adult ? Could you point to where the OP said his mother wouldnt physically let him move out? You can't force people to like or accept other peoples behaviour especially when it comes to parental concerns. And yes, it's a bold and clear line. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jengh Posted October 17, 2006 Share Posted October 17, 2006 Wow, that sounds exactly like my mother. When all of my friends were getting their licenses and cars, while I was allowed to get my license, they wouldn't let me use either of their cars. I turned 18 and thought, okay..maybe things will be different. No... Finally, I went off to college. Came home, mom flipped out when I wanted to go out. Once, I went out and stayed out all night (i didnt want to get a DUI!)...they GROUNDED me... I was 19yrs old! That day, I left their house and moved in with my friend until break was over... Just doing this made her realize that I'm not a child anymore. She has to just let me be, let me make my own mistakes. Still, she does get weird when I want to hang out with my friends, but she doesn't stop me (thank god...) It sounds to me like no matter what you say/do, your mother is not going to rationalize with you. But, would she with someone else, say a therapist? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
southerngirl Posted October 17, 2006 Share Posted October 17, 2006 This reminds me of something. I wanted a tattoo and I wanted it badly. I was 18. My parents told me 'if your living under my roof you can not get a tattoo until you are 25 or out on your own'.... We talked alot about it, I felt it was soooo unfair! I really couldnt understand why they would object, I mean... I was 18 and thought I knew it all!... So anyway, I did agree to wait until 25 to get that tattoo and you know what? I turned 25 and I didnt want one anymore. I didnt want to do that to myself. Now I will turn 29 next month and I still dont want one. Sometimes parents can seem so mean. Parents are not perfect. I think ultamately the mom in this situation is worried for their son/daughters future. They are encouraging them to attend school. They are encouraging them to take it slow in life and to prepare for their lifetime. All in all, its better to have a parent that cares then one that doesnt care at all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fallout Posted October 17, 2006 Share Posted October 17, 2006 I'm just wondering if you people actually read what the poster was saying... southerngirl : her mom was not encouraging her to continue school, quite to the contrary she didn't want her to go to college...great parenting there for sure! lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
InaneCathode Posted October 17, 2006 Share Posted October 17, 2006 I'm just wondering if you people actually read what the poster was saying... southerngirl : her mom was not encouraging her to continue school, quite to the contrary she didn't want her to go to college...great parenting there for sure! lol Doesn't matter if you agree or disagree with what her mom is doing. You're not her mother. Every parent has the right to raise his or her child as they wish. (obviously short of abuse) If her mother wants to raise her to hate people with big noses then she has every right to do so even if you don't agree with it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
InaneCathode Posted October 17, 2006 Share Posted October 17, 2006 For the record, consuming alcohol whilst under the age of 21 is illegal, and i think any rational parent would 'flip out' <_> carry on.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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