She was just feeling lonely after all

[TheGetUpKid]

I have posted a couple of threads about my situation with my ex of 4 years:

 

 

 

 

 

 

The ex and I have been broken up for about 3-4 months now. She broke up with me since she was studying abroad for a couple months and it would be too hard to maintain a long distance relationship. During our time apart she has been contacting me every so often since she wanted to stay friends. This was very hard for me to and many times I would just ignore her calls and emails. In one email I responded that I couldn't keep in constant with her since it was making it hard for me to move on. Well she kept with NC for a few weeks until I get another email (email is in the second thread) telling me she couldn't stand not talking to me. I was pretty upset that she didn't respect my wishes of not being in contact with each other. I emailed her back telling her that I couldn't be friends with her since I still had strong feelings for her and that I was still in love with her. Her reply:

 

thank you so much for writing back, i understand that you do not want to do the whole friendship thing cause being over i have come to realize how much in love i am with you and i really want to be with you, i know that is probably really hard to hear but it is the truth, four years is a long time to be with someone and then not still have feelings for them anymore. i think about you so much everyday and how much i want to be with you, i am not sure how you feel about this but its how i feel. i miss you so much, it feels like there is this huge hole in my heart and i cant get over it i have come to realize you are the only one i want to be with, i dont know what you want to go from here with this but i really would like to be together start over when i get back or something, please please let me know how you feel about this.

 

After that email we contacted each other about every two days or so. We eventually came to the conclusion that since we both were still "in love" with each other we would sorta wait till December when she gets back to get back together. She has sent me numerous emails telling me how much she misses and loves me and how she really wants to be with me. Up to now I have believed that her feelings have been genuine and true. However there are two instances that makes feel like she only really contacted me just because she was feeling lonely:

 

 

1) I was browsing her myspace page and saw in her comments that she had been involved with another guy during the first week she was in Italy. I guess this guy turned out to be a "jerk" and didn't treat women right, so she emotionally took herself out of that relationship. The thing that bothered me the most was that right around the time his happened was the same time that she sent me that email telling me how she was in love with me and wanted to be with me.

 

2) In her last email she had told me that she had made out with a guy, and ever since then I haven't heard from her. And it's been about a week since I last talked to her.

 

I was warned that she may just be feeling lonely and from the looks of it, it may be true. I feel as though she is using me as a backup guy. She only contacts me when she is feeling lonely. And by doing so, she can still have me around just incase things don't go her way. I really truly believed that everything she said was true, I really did. Am I just overreacting? I really have no clue as to what I should do now. Should I just forget about her and start NC once again??

[blueberrypie]

Hey GUK,

Remember me? I was the one who broke up with her ex because he went abroad. I'm still in contact with my ex, and getting more and more confused. Every day I think about sending him an email saying that I need more than friendship and that we need to stop contacting if friendship is all he wants. But then, I feel like I'm threatening him with the contact he may not die for. So, I just keep contact.

Anyways, I really want to give you a objective viewpoint, but since I'm on the same boat, it's really hard for me to get objective. When I read her message you posted, I really wants to believe what she says, so it's easier for me to believe it.

This maybe a stupid question, but did you respond to her email in which she said that she had made out with a guy? If so, what did you say? Maybe that's why she's not sending you another email?

[TheGetUpKid]

Hey blueberrypie thank you soo much for responding

 

I hope that you are doing better. To answer you question I did end up writing her back. She still has'nt responded back but I think that may be because she was gone for a couple days on a trip and also her internet may not be working. The thing that bothers me is that she hasnt called in over a week. Which is really confusing me because she was calling me almost every two days after she sent me that first email telling me that she was "in love with me".

 

In the email I sent her, I just told her when we she got back we should maybe take things slow at first and not rush into anything. I didnt mention anything about her comment about the guy she made out with. It did sorta hurt me when she told me this especially since she had sent me a bunch of "I love you" and "miss you" emails, though I tell myself that I doesnt matter since we are no longer together.

[blueberrypie]

no problem.

Don't try to make an excuse for her--like 'her internet may not be working.' If she called you before, if her internet is not working, she could have called you, couldn't she?

I see that you try to think it doesn't matter that she made out with another guy since you are no longer together, but as I understand it, didn't you two agree that you 'sorta wait' till december? I can see that why she had broken up with you before she went abroad. She might have been unsure about how her feeling would change once she went far away from you. But since she realized that she loves you and misses you even that far away and agreed to have a second chance after she comes back, shouldn't she show some respect to you and stop making out with other guys?

Maybe I'm being partial, but I think it's okay for you to mention that her making out with other guys hurts you. Don't make it a big fight, but simply mention your feeling.

I had something else to say in my mind, but I just forgot. I'll write again when I remember.

[TheGetUpKid]

I have to agree to making excuses for her. I think I just did it cause it made me feel better. And well, I really don't think she has an excuse now. I checked her facebook and saw that she was online, so her internet is obviously working. I really cant believe how much this hurts..... it feels as though she has broken my heart..... again. Why would you tell a person that you are still in love with them and talk about missing them so much. And out of nowhere just stop all contact?? She even mentioned in one of her emails that she was happy about that "two of us" and was glad that we could finially talk to eachother more often. I was thinking about sending one last email to her but Im hesitant since it probably wont acomplish anything and she hasnt even responded to my last email. Looks like I have to start NC to start healing and like myself again. Hopefully I'll be able to fully heal this time.

[blueberrypie]

TheGetUpKid: I'm so sorry that you're hurting. Starting NC doesn't sound like a bad idea. I hope you will fully heal this time, and very soon.

[TheGetUpKid]

blueberrypie, thank you so much for your support. Do you think sending her one last email, asking her where we stand and why she had said all of those things earlier is a bad idea?? I guess what I really want is some sort of closure.

[river dog]

Why would you tell a person that you are still in love with them and talk about missing them so much. And out of nowhere just stop all contact??

 

Me, I am going to call it "fishing in the same, small pond" where there is only one fish that just keeps on biting with little baiting involved. Boring, but it can be reassuring when the fisher fails to even get a nibble in the ocean.

 

But hey, what happens when the big old fish isn't in that little pond anymore? The fisher waits, goes away, returns, looks around a bit, then moves on thinking "That fish sure got smart or else someone else caught him and took him home. I kind of miss him. Damn!"

 

Speaks much louder than an email from the fish, saying "I am still here, you want to go fishing?" no?

 

Believe me, I have been that fish and it is as daft as I tell it. Only now I see it.

 

To clarify for the metaphor-challenged. You are the fish.

 

Take your chances and find the ocean.

[blueberrypie]

TheGetUpKid: what do you expect from sending that email? Do you genuinely hope for the 'closure?' 'cause I think you may get an answer from her saying that she still loves you very much and wants to get back with you when she comes back to the states but right now she feels so lonely that she needs someone to be with. What would you do if you got this answer?

What I'm asking is, do you want to close the door between you two? is it what you mean by the closure? Or you're not sure and you are willing to give her up if she's not interested in you anymore. If you just want to close the door, I think you can just close the door. you don't need her answer. But if you still want to have a possibility of getting back together in the future, I think you can just ask her where you stand. Don't ask her why she said what she had said. It may look needy. Just make the question simple.