Break up because of internet sites and lying....???

[melly2006]

Today I caught my now ex bf looking at porn on the computer. I looked in the history and while I was laying down because I was sick he had visited some pretty nasty sites. I asked him if he did it (already knowing it was him) and he lied to my face. This is the 3rd lie from him. The other 2 were about going to a strip club and some girls his friend supposedley invited back to the apartment but nothing happened. I honestly dont think my boyfriend cheated on me but I am not sure what to believe as he is able to lie to me.

I told him to get out ... we had a yelling match ... now I am not sure if I should have reacted this way. I gave him a chance to confess and for us to talk about it but he says it wasnt him on the computer. We are the only 2 who live in this house and the times were when I was sleeping. Why wont he own up to it? He left with some stuff to stay at a friends house and I havent heard from him. He asked me why I was ending it and I said because he is a liar and if he would only tell me the truth maybe we could talk. He refuses yet is upset I ended it over this. What should I do? Just forget it or work on it? In my gut I know he hasnt cheated but I cant take the lying. He said he lied b4 because he put himself in some stupid situations and he didnt want to upset me. I feel so lost without him right now. I love him with all my heart but I am feeling like I cant trust.

[melrich]

Wow, internet porn must break up more couples nowadays rthan just about anything else (I know it was the lying related to it).

 

Look I think you did the right thing. You offered to talk about it, he lied, you kicked him out. You cannot allow the lying behaviour to go unchallenged or it becomes habit. He'll either come clean and talk or he won't. If he won't you've probably saved yourself a few years of motherhood.

[melly2006]

I want some advice about others in the same situation. How did you handle the porn if you caught your partner looking at it. I know its ok to be curious but why lie about it. He was trying to say I had a virus and denying it to the end. It was all in the history while I was out of the room and I am telling him this and he is still lying. Is he embarrassed? I have never caught someone doing this and it makes me feel unattractive and I have never thought of myself that way.

[RIPDIME]

I think you are definitely taking this too far. He is just watching porn and it is normal for any male to do this since its our nature, we usually cant help ourselves when something is available like pornography. I mean of course hes lying to you, you put him into an akward situation and im guessing you really didnt talk to him calmly but really what kind of porn was this, maybe it really was something nasty and you have right to get angry?

[desertnomad]

Its not really about the porn its about the lying. You cant tolerate lying in a relationship because you will never be able to trust him like you need to. He might be embarrassed about it but honesty is much more important than not being a bit embarrassed. In the end a person who feels comfortable with lying will end up causing you alot of heartache.

[CarnelianButterfly]

The fact that it was porn doesn't matter so much as that he lied to you. The immature "someone else must have done it" response would have been enough for me to kick him out. He was caught and still wouldn't own up, not worth your time, you didn't over react.

[melly2006]

Thank you. It is one hundred percent about the lying...although no one is happy when there bf has to look at girls on the internet I understand people do it. Ripdime...you should really re-examing the thought of "and it is normal for any male to do this since its our nature"...using an excuse like that wont get you very far. I didnt realize internet porn was just something in a males nature to look at and ok even if their gf is hurt by it.

[RIPDIME]

Its not really about the porn its about the lying. You cant tolerate lying in a relationship because you will never be able to trust him like you need to. He might be embarrassed about it but honesty is much more important than not being a bit embarrassed. In the end a person who feels comfortable with lying will end up causing you alot of heartache.

But you cant just break up with someone for looking at porn and denying it. It is a very emberassing thing to admit to your girlfriend obviously so this should not constitute a breakup. Instead talk about banning him from the computer?

[CarnelianButterfly]

He is just watching porn and it is normal for any male to do this since its our nature, we usually cant help ourselves when something is available like pornography.

Porn has only been around a little over a hundred years and the availability was very restricted until the last 40. Its not in men's nature, its in the culture, you think because you're male that gives you the right to objectify others then you have a lot to learn.

[melly2006]

I agree with you carnelianbutterfly. Men seem to think its ok because "everyone is doing it and its all over ads and television". The world is going downhill. I see 12 year olds dressed in nothing having sex and thinking that is normal.

And you cannot have a mature relationship by banning someone from a computer. I am not his mother punishing him. Yes its embarrassing but is that worth breaking up over...worth lying about.

[desertnomad]

I think a talk about whats acceptable and not acceptable to each person (such as porn) is fine. They would both have to come to some kind of agreement over that or else go their separate ways. However lying is not acceptable. It tends to continue in a relationship and get worse over time.

[RIPDIME]

Porn has only been around a little over a hundred years and the availability was very restricted until the last 40. Its not in men's nature, its in the culture, you think because you're male that gives you the right to objectify others then you have a lot to learn.

Wait so in the roman age, when prostitution was legal and almost every man had a prostitute, that was ok? but the private acts of enjoying something that's on the internet and really does no one any harm if taken in context, is wrong?

[CarnelianButterfly]

Wait so in the roman age, when prostitution was legal and almost every man had a prostitute, that was ok? but the private acts of enjoying something that's on the internet and really does no one any harm if taken in context, is wrong?

Do what ever you want in your own home, but lying about it to your girlfriend isn't going to endear you to her.

[melly2006]

I think Ripdime is more focussed on the act of looking at porn more than lying and deceit. If you read my original post this is not the first lie he has been caught in in the last 2 weeks. Honesty is always the best way out because eventually you will get caught as I have caught him.

[Ellie2006]

Melly,

 

But it *is* kind of about the porn too isn't it? Maybe I'm comparing apples and oranges here but if your bf had been looking at a site to send you flowers and lied about it, would you have reacted in the same manner?

 

That said, his lying *is* the biggest issue here, esp. since you caught him in all three of the lies that he told in the past two weeks.

 

You say in your first post that you have doubts about the future of your relationship even though you love him. Are you willing to give him one more chance? Would you be willing to forgive him if he had been lying about anything but porn?? Would you have been more forgiving if he owned up to visiting a porn site but said he would keep on seeing porn bc it's "just what guys do"??

 

Sorry for your pain; hang in there ...

[itsallgrand]

I think you did right, and sounds like you did an excellent job of it too. In a situation like that, it is difficult to keep one's wits about you and to stay strong in what you know is the truth. Yet you did it. Kudos.

 

Of course there will be doubts, and little nagging thoughts where you will question yourself and your decision. Because you love him, and you didn't want this to end. Don't listen to those doubts. You did right and his lying/porn viewing does not say anything about you.

 

I'm sorry to hear of your situation. That hurts and it isn't easy. Lots of hugs and well wishes to you.

[annie24]

if you feel like you can't trust him and he won't talk, then I guess there is nothing left to save.

 

I personally, am not too bothered by internet porn. If my guesstimate is correct, I'd say that about 98% of men view internet porn. It is a pretty common thing. Afterall, porn sites are the most numerous type of site out there on the internet, a multi-billion dollar industry. SOMEONE is paying into it!

 

anyways, I would be more concerned about this whole "strip club, girls coming home with him to his friends' house" lie.... that one would bother me more than some random girls on some random XXX site.

[itsallgrand]

Yup, annie I agree. It's the entire situation. Strikes me as somewhat seedy.

 

Without trust, ya got nothing.

[crossflow]

Maybe he was embarresed and decided to lie to escape a confrontation because he knew you would turn the whole thing on yourself, and how it makes you feel, sort of making him feel bad for doing it in the first place.

 

If he believes there is nothing wrong in him doing it , you laying your own insecurities about your own body into the equation is going to make him feel bad about it, then he will resent you and treat you disrespectfully, because you are making a big deal over something he does not see as an issue.

 

Or maybe he figured trust works both ways and if it's ok for you not to trust him by going through his history of web pages it's ok for him to get belligerent and deny it.

 

Either way I think you both need to decide what you want in this relationship, by ending the relationship you have put a stake in the sand and told him if he does something you are not happy about this will be your response.

 

Seems a bit harsh given what has happened, and will hardly inspire him to want to be open in the future if he suspects your going to go to the extreme of ending a relationship every time their is a conflict.

 

If he lied because he was worried about your reaction, you simply have just re-enforced this in his mind.

 

Sounds like you need to just end this, move on and find someone a little more mature that can treat you the way you want to be treated.

[betrayedgirl]

I'm sorry that you are going through that.

 

I can only say from my experience. A couple days before my ex dumped me, I found that he looked at porn on my computer, which I had no problems with. I told him about it. He went "how did you know" I told him it was in the history. No big deal, just don't do it on the new laptop. Fine to surf on the desktop computer is fine. The virus issue is a big concern because porn often have viruses. When we met, he told me he is addicted to porn. Well, the next day, I had noticed that he had cleared history, and changed the settings on the clear history thingy on the internet options. I wasn't happy. Oh well, but that was not the reason we broke up, though. He knew it was no big deal for me. He was honest when I asked him about it.

 

I'm sorry!

[Juliana]

I think it is about the porn, and it is about the lying.

 

Some guys are open to letting their wives/gf's know what porn sites they visit; they don't hide it. The wives or gf's may like it or hate it, but it's there, it's not being lied about.

 

I think the reason this combo has been so deadly in this situation is that it really constitutes an attempt for him to have a private sexual life separate from the one he has with her. And she is threatened by that, because the idea that he wants to keep some aspect of his sexuality hidden and separate from their relationship as a couple is threatening. It's a principle of "I'll do what I want without letting you know about it" that can extend itself to affairs, etc.

 

I could be wrong. But I think this is the gist of it.

[the_best_of]

It's a principle of "I'll do what I want without letting you know about it" that can extend itself to affairs, etc..

 

this is a very good point. something that i never really understood until Juliana posted it. it's true. my bf (exbf) CONSTANTLY looked at teen porn. he didnt think i knew he looked at it everyday because he'd use a different browser than the usual one. but there it was, and when i confronted him, he lied as well. said it wasnt him. but he lived alone. i was confused and my self-esteem hit a low. i just didnt get it.

 

and juliana is right when she said that it can extend itself to affairs, because one can only shop so much until getting the real thing. its scary to think, but its true. i also noticed he visited a lot of craigslist casual sex encounter pages/ escort pages and that's when i had to draw the line....but in the end, his constant getting off to teen porn affected our sex life, where he seemed to get off so much on porn that he deemed it unnecessary to have sex with me. sick, really. f'n twisted.

 

enough is enough, especially when their in denial about their habits.

[deejay74]

I think the reason this combo has been so deadly in this situation is that it really constitutes an attempt for him to have a private sexual life separate from the one he has with her. And she is threatened by that, because the idea that he wants to keep some aspect of his sexuality hidden and separate from their relationship as a couple is threatening. It's a principle of "I'll do what I want without letting you know about it" that can extend itself to affairs, etc.

 

I could be wrong. But I think this is the gist of it.

 

i would kindly object to this post.

 

first of all, what you are saying is akin to kids going out and shooting people because they did it in a video game or because their favorite music artist told the person to commit a crime. you can't assume that because a person looks at porn while in a relationship, that means they are going to try and fool around behind their SO's back.

 

one of the reasons why porn is so popular is that it lets people fantasize about sex. fantasies are perfectly harmless if the person doesn't attempt to act them out if it will betray their SO. many people fantasize in their imaginations, so is that a problem? do you think that having a good imagination is just as bad as looking at porn? unfortunately, we cannot peer into other people's minds and know what they've dreamt about or fantasized about either. it's unfortunate that technology can sometimes can reveal something really personal about someone.

 

i've ALWAYS looked at porn while i had a GF and did i go out and cheat just because i saw it "behind their back"? NO WAY! it comes down to the morals of the person. if they have them, they're not going to go out and mess around just because they look at porn, whether on the internet or in the movies.

 

i would also like to say that i completely understand the lying issue.

 

one suggestion, why don't you look at porn with your BF (unless you're not into that). i've done it with my GFs and other girls i've dated and i have never had any of them get mad or offended. they all enjoyed it as much as me! in fact, it helped get a few of them "in the mood".

[the_best_of]

yeah but did you watch porn everyday? ive told him a thousand times that i like porn. it's like he started getting uncomfortable about it. even when we were watching tv together and there was some lame * * * softcore porn scene, he'd freak out and get so uncomfortable and switch the channel so quickly. i was always like, what the hell... weird.

 

well, can you at least tell us why you watched porn on a regular basis? and didnt the porn affect how you viewed women in general. ?

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Jerk, dump him.