Boyfriend's passive-agressive behavior

[Alezia]

Hi,

 

I don't normally start threads but this one really has me wondering.

I love my boyfriend very much, but sometimes I wonder why he doesn't want to tell me what he has on his mind.

He has no trouble speaking his mind on normal conversations but often enough as the topic becomes remotely serious, he closes and either stops speaking, changes topic, leaves MSN etc..

There is some serious topics he can handle, while others I'm not too sure why he withdraws like that.

For exemple: We went to my family's (first time for him) for thanksgivings dinner (we are both canadians) and he proceeds last night to tell me that my family acts like fake riches etc.. and when I questionned him on why he tried changing topic, didn't want to talk about it, that I won't get it and had to go to bed. Today, I raised the question up again because it is bothering me... he changes topic and proceeds to tell me he is too busy...

I mean I don't want to feel too forceful, but why would someone bring up a sensitive subject and immediately drop it?

[Scout]

Because he's afraid you will react angrily. He's afraid sensitive topics will lead to an argument.

 

Just let him know that if he ever feels like bringing up a sensitive topic, you will uphold to two maxims: you'll give him honest, but respectful feedback. And you won't hold it against him.

 

You can also sympathize with him about the difficulty of talking about sensitive topics. But that in the long run, you feel the more you two can open up, the closer you will actually become. Because honest communication is about trusting the person you are talking to. When trust becomes a part of a relationship, it makes it that much stronger.

[Alezia]

Yes he did admit to me that he tried to avoid arguments.. just find it strange i guess ^_^

[Scout]

It's actually a very common behavior. It does take a little finesse to create a safe environment for these people to communicate in. The key is to let them know their feedback is valued, and to respond to it in a respectful way. Once they start opening up, let them talk more than you do. Listen to what they're saying. So, for example, when your boyfriend said that about your family, you could have just been silent for a few moments to let him continue.

[CarnelianButterfly]

I always feel people who do things like that are immature mentally or emotionally. Its like they can drop any bomb they want on you and then try deflect any of the consequences their actions or statements may bring. I have little tolerance of it any more because I think its a childish way to communicate. Its very hard to confront people like that because they will shirk away from any direct conversations. I'd say that was a really rude thing for him to say and the fact that he won't discuss why he said it is very insensitive to you. Have a face to face with him, where he can't just sign off or magically become busy, take away those avoidance maneuvers and make him answer for what he's said.

[itsallgrand]

Oh yes, passive aggressive can be very difficult to deal with. Scout gave good advice, especially since you sound willing to be patient and tolerant.

 

I do agree with Carnelian, though, in that what he said was rude. My word instead of 'rude' would be mean. Shots to the family are generally a no-go zone unless it is productive.

 

So, while I wish you a lot of luck with your bf, I do feel like warning you that this may not change. These patterns of communicating can be stubborn. And passive aggressive folks tend to be fleers.

Also, I do think that he should be helt up to some standard of behavior. Something like "No bashing my family." stuff like that.

He can have his feelings as strong as they are, yet should not be disrespectful to you in the process.

 

tc

[whoops]

do you want to be married to someone you cant have any communciation with for the next 50 years - i know you cant have it all but this is what will keep you together