sleeping together too soon..

[shikashika]

this is just something an ex boyfriend said to me once... which i thought was strange at the time and still think its odd now.

 

both of us were in our late twenties / thirty...no kiddie-stuff

 

both of us had been with more than a handful of people before

 

Neither one of us had ever been the 'waiting until marriage or that special person'

 

both of us had had our share of bed-buddies, long term relationships, one night flings and both pretty open about sex

 

in this particular relationship we'd known each other for about a month, gone on about 4 or 5 'dates' and then slept together.

 

I can see if he left straight after the first time we were intimate

but I remember about 4 or 5 months after we'd already slept together and he said " yeah i think we slept together too soon'.. but continued dating for a few months after that..

 

guys... (and guys who are this age, have had experience).... do you not think this is strange?? why would he say this??

 

and i know the sex was good ...he still admits it!

[RayKay]

I think it was just maybe a way of him saying that maybe he slept together before he really knew whom you were...and maybe was not as into you on other levels outside the sex life. And so he was saying that maybe the sex was the only thing you really "had" together.

 

It only seems to be an issue of "sleeping together too soon" when the other compatibilities don't match up, and you feel maybe you rushed into something due to the lust factor without knowing what you were really getting into. If those other elements were there, he would not complain about it.

 

Even if you are not waiting until marriage, sex is still a pretty important "bond" between a couple, and sometimes if you sleep together before you have the rest of the bond...the sex even if "good" is still absent the other "stuff" you need to really make it as a whole amazing - which also means having that bond in the rest of the relationship.

[Goodfun88]

I'm not a guy, but maybe he said it because if he had gotten to know you better before having sex the relationship would have ended sooner for lack of compatablity or something, but since you slept together and it was good, it lasted longer than it should. Thats the only thing I could figure.

[Clementine orange]

Everybody has different opinions on how soon is too soon but to be honest, I am totally suspicious of a woman who "gives it up too fast". It wrecks some of the buildup to it. You know, anticipation is totally worth it! It also makes me believe that:

 

1.) she is desparate to be in a relationship or whatever

2.) she is easy, sleeps with everyone (including my friends after we break up)

3.) I'm a rebound guy (or revenge guy)

4.) makes me wonder when we break up, how fast she will be with the next guy, recovers quickly.

 

Or any of the above.

 

Double standard?? I don't sex on the first or second date either. However, by the forth date there had better be some action or at least signs of approaching action soon. I'm not a monk! or that patient either.

[Day_Walker]

I would say it is strange, who knows exactly why it was said especially given the history that both of you have. Maybe he wanted more of a challange looking back in hindsight.

[renaissancewoman101]

I think men like the chase and the buildup that leads to sex. If you give up the sex too soon, a lot of men see it as a let down and that you are "easy". It's kind of sad that there is a double standard even now. If men give it up too early, he's seen as a stud. Women, on the other hand, are seen as being slutty.

[DN]

There is always another possibility that people seem to overlook. It may have had nothing particular to do with the sex.

 

If you go on a date, have a good time, maybe a kiss or two and afterwards think "yeah, that was ok but there was no real spark there" and decide not to go on another date - no one thinks much about that.

 

But if the kissing leads to sex - and then exactly the same thought processes take place, people think it must have had something to do with having sex too soon.

 

Or it may be that the sex was not that great and one person decides it's not worth pursuing a relationship where there isn't much spark and the sex isn't that great.

[finewhine]

Sorry, I think that guy is weird. Four or five dates? Older than 25? What was he waiting for?

 

See, here's the thing. I think each of us has our own standards/codes of conduct. For example, by some Draconian standards, I would be considered "easy." I don't generally f_ on the first date, but I've been known to do it on the third. Anyway, if a guy held that against me, I would think he weeded himself out because I for *sure* wouldn't want to waste my time with anyone who thought I was a floozy.

 

And on that note, I'm so not a floozy. My standards are incredibly high for whom I choose to date. If they can get as far as a few dates with me, I consider them lucky. And another thing, if a guy I slept with didn't call me afterwards, I definitely wouldn't take it as a life-crushing blow. Oh, and this has NEVER HAPPENED. Guess I'm just attenuated to where a guy is at with me?

 

Anyway, sorry for the self-centered rant, but I get aggravated when people start talking about the double standard. It's true, it exists, but it only exists for those who adhere to a specific code of conduct. I have my own set of prejudices about those who have this double standard. I think they're not looking at the individual, just the individual's ability to adhere to a set of rules that society has put in place for them.

 

Also, Clementine? Did you ever allow for the possibility that someone who slept with you early on did so because they really liked you? And "desperate for a relationship?" Oh, please! Any poor woman who thinks they can screw their way into a relationship needs psychiatric help, but I would guess that the majority of women who engage in semi-casual sex do so not because they're lonely, but perhaps they like screwing.

 

Oh, and after you break up, you're worried about how quickly she'll recover? In other words, you want to issue a life-crushing blow to whomever it is that you're sleeping with? Hello, give the poor woman some power in this situation. She can't sleep with you early if she wants to because you'll think she's easy, and once she does, you want her to pine for you forever? Ay yi yi!

 

Finally, I would like to add that if you met a girl you *really* liked, it wouldn't matter when she slept with you because it ceases to be about you and your hangups, but about her and the fact that she's gracing your life with her presense.

 

But that's just me.

 

Sorry, I didn't mean to go so off-topic or go on so long.

[shikashika]

you didn't go off topic!

 

and i posted that because i agree with what you're saying..

 

so what if i WANT to have sex with a guy...and you're right... 4 or 5 dates?!?!... and we'd known each other before that... seen each other around for a while....

 

I enjoy it... its fun!

 

what the others were saying though is true... maybe he didn't see a connection but because the sex was good, the relationship lasted longer than it should have

[finewhine]

Agreed. It was a weird comment for him to make. Meh, no harm, no foul. You got to enjoy some awesome sex with an OK guy for a little longer than necessary. Sounds pretty OK to me!

[Batya33]

Anyway, sorry for the self-centered rant, but I get aggravated when people start talking about the double standard. It's true, it exists, but it only exists for those who adhere to a specific code of conduct. I have my own set of prejudices about those who have this double standard. I think they're not looking at the individual, just the individual's ability to adhere to a set of rules that society has put in place for them.

 

It's interesting that you readily admit that you judge those who make judgments about having s_x early on. I'm impressed with that - it's very honest on your part. Often I find that those with more conservative views are judged as "too conservative" or out of step with modern realities, etc. but are called judgmental if they judge those who are ok with casual s_x. As for me I say no judgments whatsoever - to each her own/his own as long as it's two consenting adults and each one is honest about his/her intentions, STD issues, pregnancy/abortion issues and almost more importantly, honest with him/herself about what the expectations are from the encounter.

 

Very cool that you know yourself so well.

[shikashika]

Agreed. It was a weird comment for him to make. Meh, no harm, no foul. You got to enjoy some awesome sex with an OK guy for a little longer than necessary. Sounds pretty OK to me!

 

maybe this is how i should look on it by wasting my time wondering why it didn't work out... ha ha! thanks for making me smile!

[finewhine]

Batya - your post gives me faith in those with conservative views. I don't hold it against anyone who holds conservative views as long as they don't interfere with anyone else's happiness (or reproductive rights or right to marry or freedom of expression, etc.).

 

Anyway, to respond to your post, I agree with your "no judgments" statement - to a point. I can't help but judge those who would disagree with my lifestyle because they're judging my lifestyle to be unsustainable. Like, I judged Clementine because he was judging a woman based on an infuriating double-standard. I'm not judging you 'cause you're not being judgmental, just conservative in your viewpoints, something you're utterly entitled to be.

 

I agree, if everyone was open and honest one another, the world would run much smoother.