Changes in Friendships Over Time

[Batya33]

I am 40. In the last 10-15 years I've noticed and also worked on several positive changes in my platonic friendships both existing and new. I'd be curious to know if others - of whatever age - notice or have worked on changing the nature of their friendships. Here are the main changes in my life:

 

That "high school" desire to be popular or "in" faded to almost nothing. This means that I choose friends based on who I genuinely like/likes me, I don't feel like I have to go out and socialize lest I miss that new "in" club, restaurant, party, etc. and I worry a lot less about approval/what people think of me. I am proud to say if I stayed in on a weekend night -- in my 20s I would have been scrambling for plans, any plan.

 

Somewhat related - I used to be the social organizer - calling/emailing people to get groups of people to go out. I realized over time that while I was good at it it was annoying, stressful and half the time the actual activity just wasn't that much fun. Now I notice those of my friends who seem to always need to be going out to dinner, etc with huge groups of people and I think "why?"

 

I am far less open with people I don't know well - the result being (which was a little surprising to me, but it makes sense) that people confide in me a whole lot more. Perhaps because I am more reserved they trust me to hold their confidences in private (and I do - I am very trustworthy and don't find gossiping fun). I notice more when people I don't know well "over share" - I don't mind - I love hearing people's stories but sometimes those people turn out to be "train wreck friends."

 

I have far fewer "train wreck friends" - I used to find the drama interesting I guess but now I see them as draining and often while asking for advice constantly they all have turned on me - sort of bite the hand that feeds them. I am not referring to people who go through hard times - I am referring to someone who constantly seeks out drama and chaos - their stories sure can be interesting but on the whole it's no longer worth it to me and I find it too one sided.

 

I am much more conscious of what it takes to be a good friend - I don't take for granted that those skills are just common sense/instinctive. Partly that is because one of my best friends was diagnosed with a terminal illness 4 years ago and died two years ago. I had to learn how to be there for her in the way she needed me to be there for her - which wasn't always in the way I would have thought (i.e. sometimes what she truly needed was space from everyone as one example). I work (even) harder on my friendships in the way that I listen, follow through, refrain from giving unsolicited advice.

 

This is also because I am not concerned with having many friends so the ones I do have I have time to focus on and work on when needed. In contrast, my teenaged niece tells me that she just says whatever is on her mind to her friends whether it is hurtful or not - she is just 'being honest." While I like to be able to "say anything" particularly to my closest friends, I am always conscious of saying things in a way that that friend will most be able to hear it - or deciding that she can't at that time and thereforeeee saying nothing at all.

 

What hasn't changed at all in the last 30 plus years - I never had a "crowd" of friends who I did everything with. I always had one or two friends from a number of different "crowds." Advantages are variety and meeting lots o new people - disadvantages are I never really had the standing "friday night out with the girls" kind of thing. At this point in my life I would find that more of a bother than a positive because I don't like to feel overscheduled or obligated to socialize.

 

What about you all? Thanks for reading and in advance for responding. I hope this is a somewhat interesting topic.

[patty7182]

I have felt and agree with much of what you stated above...although I am feeling it now at a younger age.

[Batya33]

Lucky you! In my first job after grad school it was a lot like "high school" with the "popular crowd" which, as usual, I wasn't in. But I definitely cared and got sucked into "trying" to be popular. I know that wouldn't happen now and that is a big relief. I am embarrassed that it took me so long to lose that silly popular crowd stuff. Well, ok, I don't mean to say it is silly for those who really care - but I do feel badly for them in a way.

[Dako]

My friends are made spontanteously. To me, they appear in my life, and vary quite a bit from each other. I don't have a plan, and have benefitted from being close to people of every stripe. I try to be there for them, and hope I'm adequate. Some are more demanding that others, but it balances out.

I dropped out of school to dig ditches with a shovel, so my early social life was built among diverse people.

I'm a lucky guy.

[texami]

weird... i was just wrestling with the topic of friendshp this week! i think that mature friendships (yep, i'm 40, too ) involve much more than being "alike". the give-and-take is so important, and yes, people can be good at it and bad at it. i've run accross people who are, frankly, just bad at being friends. and now that i have less time for it, i can let those people go by the wayside instead of worrying that i make them my friend.

 

i truly appriciate people who know what it means to be good friends, and i work harder to be one myself.

[CarnelianButterfly]

I like having my close knit group of girl friends that I have regular dinners and nights in with. We are open and caring with each other. I'm a friendly person so I always have people to talk to, I don't count them as friend's but acquaintances. I pick up friends the more I talk to them and develop the depth to the relationship. I don't mind friends needing help because there will be sometime down the road I need help or support, its the balance of making true friendships.

[Batya33]

I agree totally but I have to say - I have one 26 year friendship (first day of high school!) where every once in awhile we have deep discussions about how much we love real whipped cream (to eat - let's keep this clean, lol), where we like to go to get it, etc. We have similar conversations about the various differences between the same icecream flavor accross different brands and muse about why they discontinued our mutually favorite flavor of baskin' robbins ice cream.

[melrich]

I have a close group of 6 or 7 guys who have been my core friends for 20 years. Now all with partners and kids we still mainly hang out together but doing much different stuff nowadays, mainly stuff with the kids and partners- camping, fishing, sport, dinners etc.

 

Then I have a wider circle, still mainly from school days who I see here and there at parties or dinners but don't go out of my way to catch up with. They are all from the same school system but not the same school.

 

Then it would be work related friends.

 

But realistically it is my core group that remains static. And I hang out with my brothers and sisters and their friends a lot too. Because they all know my close friends as well after so long.

 

I find too big a circle of friends can be exhausting.

[itsallgrand]

This is a great thread, Batya! Thanks for posting it.

 

I'm definetly going through a change in the friend department. For the first time in my life, I am enjoying the benefits of acquaintances-as-friends. A wide net, with folks on all different levels of friendship. I like it.

 

I have always been rather individualistic and with a small tight circle of friends. That dissipated over the years, keeping some of the friendships, losing others, and bringing new ones into my circle. Til the friendships grew rather sparse! 'Cause I was locking most people out. Sort of the mentality of "you are either a good friend, or you are basically a stranger to me". Weird, yeah. Yet at the same time I could get along with most anyone - well, cause I wasn't concerned about them at all, if that makes sense.

 

I'm liking what is happening now. The people i spend time with are diverse, and i feel like i am Finally making that balance of : My independence and what I share with other people/comprimises.

 

There was a time where I allowed for NO comprimise (This is me, if you don't like it F-off, you're not worth my time) and a time where I was constantly surrounded by people and friends (Having relationships is the most important thing in the world, even if i get treaded down a bit in the process).

 

So, I must be growing into myself a bit. The friends i have now bring something important to my life, and i like to think i bring something too.

 

We'll see what comes next.

[Batya33]

This next question probably belongs in its own thread but I wonder if any what impact increased technology has on friendships. Until my late 20's, e-mailing as often as calling - or as a substitute for calling - was not done, and at least in my world, among my friends, there was no regular instant messaging until about the last 5-6 years.

 

About 5 years ago or so I remember making my first social plan all on email and my friend and i commented on how weird it felt to do that - now we do that all the time.

 

In a way being able to email and IM lets me stay in touch with many more people, reconnect with people more easily (avoiding those awkward phone calls where you're afraid there won't be much to say), and express certain feelings or problems better because they lend themselves to writing. On the other hand, some people use (abuse?) e-mail to "pretend stay in touch" - you only get those mass chain emails and jokes or pictures of the kids, the new house, the sonogram, the engagement ring (a close up, once, lol) and never a personal email and yet that is considered to be "staying in touch."

 

Like anything I guess technology has its good and bad sides when it comes to staying connected.

[CarnelianButterfly]

I prefer face to face over anything else, my friends can attest to calling my phone and finding I have no voice mail and if my phone is dead, all they get is dead air. I check my email once or twice a day or more often if I'm expecting something for my research. Most often the person who emailed me has to tell me in person to check my mail, I suppose it can be frustrating for others, but thats the way I am. I like personal interactions and electronics removes that or hinders it, I don't make friends with computers, I make friends with people.