Hazel_Eyes Posted October 3, 2006 Share Posted October 3, 2006 Hi guys, here's my problem, i am 18, engaged to my 21 year old fiance whom i love very very much, but the problem is that he smokes. I have told him that i cannot marry him if he continues to smoke, and have tried to get him to quit but it just never works. I'm in a predicament because this is the person i want to spend the rest of my life with, yet everytime he goes for a cigarette it kills me to 1.see him smoke and 2. to know what it is doing to him. It gets me so depressed because i just think of what its doing to him and whats going to happen to him in the future if he doesnt stop. Im not being selfish, i know he loves smoking and he has told me so, but i really dont want him to get cancer and die. I just really wish i could get him to see what i see, and why i want him to quit. buthe avoids the subject, and he said about quitting over a period of time, like going a few hours without cigarette, then more, then a day, 2 etc.. but that was 2weeks ago and i cant get him to try quit again. I am really worried because in september next year he is going to university, and ill still be in college for another year, and im scared that if he doesnt try to quit soon then he'll smoke through uni, and then itll just get harder and harder to quit, and more and more damage will be done. I really dont know what to do In response to carnelianbutterfly- he does not smoke around me anymore, but yes i do imagine having kids with him, very much so, and no im not going to dump him! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CarnelianButterfly Posted October 3, 2006 Share Posted October 3, 2006 Dump him. His smoking is killing you, you breath in far worse things than he does. Imagine having kids with him and your kids growing up with respiratory problems and health issues because of the constant exposure to toxins. My friends dad smoked constantly, she never had problems, but her dog died of lung cancer. If he won't quit for you to do something and save your health than he really doesn't care for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chai714 Posted October 3, 2006 Share Posted October 3, 2006 You should have never gotten engaged if it's a dealbreaker for you. Did he recently begin smoking, or was it after the engagement? You wanting him to quit won't make him want to quit. The threat of not marrying him might not make him want to quit either. So, what tactic is next? I wouldn't use threats, I'd use other things such as engaging in physically demanding activities with him such as running stairs, playing a sport which requires good cardio fitness, or other ways to challenge his manhood. This might be one way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arwen Posted October 3, 2006 Share Posted October 3, 2006 Hey Hazel, I can understand that you don't like the fact that he smokes. But he probably also did when you met him, or did he start later? The thing is, you can't force him to quit. You have probably noticed that. He has to want that for himself. Believe me, deep down, all people that somehow started to smoke, wish they never had. If he wants to quit, be supportive to him. Allan Carr has a GREAT book for people who want to quit. Maybe you can start a conversation like this: 'Hun, I know you like your cigarettes, and you know I don't. I also know I can't make you quit. However, if you want to quit I will be supportive in every way that I can. I love you and want you to be happy.' Ultimatums usually don't work for this. Him not willing to quit has nothing to do with how much he loves you. It's an addiction he needs to escape himself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ScreenagerX Posted October 3, 2006 Share Posted October 3, 2006 You can't force someone to give up. They have to want to quit otherwise they will just end up picking it up again or resent you for forcing them to do it. By all means tell him how you feel about it though as it will help him to make an informed decision. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BetterKarma Posted October 3, 2006 Share Posted October 3, 2006 I agree with Spader. My bf also smokes and he use to smoke a lot, however, now that he is with me, he is starting to smoke less. I don't like the smoking but it is a quality of him that I can not change and I knew about before I got into a relationship with him. He talks about quiting and all I can do is to be supportive of him and tell him that I will help him if/when he is ready to quit. Another note is that he does not smoke around me. He goes outside and never smokes inside the house. Have a talk with him about it and if it really bothers you and you know you can not live with it then you need to let him know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hazel_Eyes Posted October 3, 2006 Author Share Posted October 3, 2006 My fiance smokes outside too. i have told him i cannot stand it because it hurts me to see him smoke and know that he smokes, but i do not want to lose him. I love him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BetterKarma Posted October 3, 2006 Share Posted October 3, 2006 Unfortunately, you can not force him to quit. It is a decision that he must make on his own otherwise, he will pick up smoking again really quickly or he will hide it from you. You really need to talk to him about it if it bothers you so much. But beware that he might become very defensive. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hazel_Eyes Posted October 3, 2006 Author Share Posted October 3, 2006 well he say this post, and has goen for a drive in his car, and is not happy with me. I know i cant force him but im just at the end of my teather with what to do. Everytime i try and talk to him about it he just doesnt talk back, or just changes the subject. Ive lost all hope Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
southerngirl Posted October 3, 2006 Share Posted October 3, 2006 You cant force him to quit smoking. I can understand why you dont like it, but it is his life. Even if you choose to share it with him........ I believe that if you agree to marry a person you are taking them as they are with no plans to control them or change them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DizzyDoris Posted October 3, 2006 Share Posted October 3, 2006 I'm a smoker, have been for 10 years, all the men i seem to date are always smokers too. But if i dated a non-smoker i seriously would try and give up. I plan to give up soon anyway, but dating a non smoker would be just the kick up the backside that i need! I do sympathise as i remember years ago before i started, and if you dont smoke and kiss a smoker its dreadful, like eating an ashtray! But i tend to agree with what everyone else is saying, he has to give up out of his own choice. Good luck, i hope he kicks the habit soon! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsallgrand Posted October 3, 2006 Share Posted October 3, 2006 Maybe if you cry, whine, and nag a lot? I'm kidding. Please don't do that. There is nothing you can do except be supportive or dump him. It sucks, but such is life. This is really more of your problem than his at this point: he doesn't show an interest in quitting - at least he is being honest. So if you can not deal with the possibility of him continuing to smoke, you must decide what is right for you. Without torturing him bc of your choice to stay. Positive encouragement is your best shot, though, if you decide to stay. tc Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hazel_Eyes Posted October 3, 2006 Author Share Posted October 3, 2006 thanks guys, your advice has really helped. I realise that ive either got to putup with it until hes ready or just.. dump him. which i dont want to do things woudl eb so much easier to sort out in my head if i knew wat he was thinking. But he went for a drive 45mins ago and hasnt returned, i fear he may dump me now. ](*,)](*,) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justpaisley Posted October 3, 2006 Share Posted October 3, 2006 If you do decide to marry him, please, please don't have kids. My dad and stepmom smoked, and I had chronic bronchitis because of it, and once had to be hospitalized for pneumonia. I had bronchitis twice a year - coughing until I threw up, coughing up blood. I had to use an inhaler two to three times a day for 6 years. I moved out when I was 18, and haven't had to use an inhaler since, haven't had bronchitis - in fact, the only time I have breathing problems is when I'm around a smoker. You can let your fiance endanger your health all you want, that's your choice, but your kids won't have a choice in breathing in his poison, and it WILL make them sick. Smoking was a dealbreaker between me and my husband. I refused to kiss him after he had smoked, because it was disgusting. I asked him to even stop smoking in the car because the smell was so heinous. I told him when we first started dating that our relationship wouldn't go anywhere unless he stopped smoking, because there was no way in hell I'd marry a smoker, and I certainly wouldn't have kids with one. I understand that he enjoys smoking, but if he enjoyed heroin, would that be okay with you? There are many, many other things that he could enjoy that don't endanger not only his life, but the lives of people around him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hazel_Eyes Posted October 4, 2006 Author Share Posted October 4, 2006 well as ive said previously he never smokes around em, so is not endangering me in anyway. And if we were to havekids then there'd be no way in hell he'd be smoking around them. Not at all. Not only that its increibly life risking for the kids, but i have astma, and im quite sure that one of my kids will probably have too, so even if the smoke doesnt effect them the way it has you, then it may just kill them by astma attack anyway. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Momene Posted October 5, 2006 Share Posted October 5, 2006 Also the money people spend on smoking would come in really useful when you have kids and get short of money. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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