Boyfriend lives with new girl I dont like

[Animal-vs-society]

Hi, what do you do when your boyfriend lives with a new girl you don't like and they are new best friends?

 

My boyfriend, going on two years, and I have a great relationship, we love and respect each other, trust each other, support each other, share friends and do things apart. It's all really good. We've even talked about opening up to sharing our bed, together, with 'playmates' (my idea and his, because we are adventurous people).

 

Sounds great, right? We live in separate spaces with a few roommates (boys and girls) each, in different neighborhoods. We aren't rushing living together, even though we spend all our free time together anyway and sleep at each other's houses every other night. We talk about a future together. We are very public with our affection, our own family will tell us to cool off with the playful affection we display for each other.

 

So here's where the problem began and it's driving me CRAAAZZY!

-----> My boyfriend recently got two new roommates, a guy and a girl. i was sad to loose the other two because his home was a home for me too, all his roommates loved me, would give me hugs when I came over and i knew that would be gone.

 

Before I even met the girl I didn't like her because of how he introduced her to me on the phone. My boyfriend has a tendency to only see the positive in everything and anyone, he was over joyed by many of her (interesting) features: like her tool box, her recent travels and grant support money. He thought she was super-do!, and he thought I would be threatened by her. He said that in the first two sentences. She's so cool, and when I didn't respond in kind (because I tend to be the reserved hold-my-favor-till-it's-proven type) he asked if I was jealous. Well who wouldn't want to get money to travel around the world and explore their art? But I wasn't threatened by her, I hadn't even MET her, I was annoyed she was replacing the other roommates and I was annoyed he was so quick to celebrate her and then I was annoyed that he was assuming I was jealous. maybe I was PMSing then, who knows.

 

It sucked from Go. And I should have realized then that he was having some kind of problem with it but I became confused, thought maybe I was being insecure and buried my doubts. It's his house anyway so what can I say, no she can't live there cause you think she's great?

 

At our first meeting, a burlesque party, I was dressed up super sexy in a corset, as soon as I met her (butchy, studio artist chick) I knew she and I wouldn't connect that night. I'm tom boyish too but she didn't know that, and I got a weird attitude from her, that thing girls do when they distrust you for being pretty. Later I told my bf I was afraid she thought I was a floozy (to be playful about gauging her reaction). He later reported he told her I said that (in his typically tactless fashion) and she answerd, 'i like floozies.' (i took that to be a sign of war. She had just told my boyfriend she thought I was a floozy, right>?)

 

Anyway. Things never got better. She's around alot, doesn't have many friends of her own yet, and I DONT" LIKE HER. She's not doing anything particularly substantial with her grant money and travels so NO, I'm not impressed by her. I'm not impressed that she bought a stupid chainsaw to cut wood sculpture. And I;m angry.

 

I'm angry that they have this friendship that i can't be apart of.

 

It's not just me. I know it's their doing too. I tried to be relaxed and open with her, to ask questions and engage her but the conversational ball always fell. We never connected and i never felt like she was trying to befriend me either. Wouldn't you want to befriend the girlfriend of a guy your now living with, whose often around and friends with all his friends which are now becoming yours by proxy? To make matters worse, for my stress, he received all new furniture from an elderly relative around the time she moved in... and she being handy, installed shelves and fixtures and the house was quickly entirely different inside and out! She got to put her mark all over it.

 

I've lost my home! By chance, she answers an ad and gets to live in an awesome house with a fun and outgoing, friendly and wonderful, socially inclusive and ADORABLE guy. She gets to be with him whenever they're at home or go out with him whenever she wants (because she doesn't have a job, and lately he & i have conflicting schedules). And when I do get to go over, i get to watch them have this friendship I can't be apart of.

 

He and I got into an argument over politics the last morning I saw them and I swear she snickered, in sympathy with him 'oh your girlfriends being a handfull' kind of stuff. She even had the nerve to get involved, to tell him I was right about a point. I wanted to scream at her 'excuse me why should he take your opinion over mine' but how can you yell at someone like that? i couldn't, i swallowed it and I've been enraged for days. In that time they've gone on bike rides together, a party and a concert... while I've been at work.

 

It sucks. Anytime I've tried to talk about it in the past he gave me this 'are you sure your not envious of her' garbage. Anytime I've tried to remind him we should discuss the tension sometime soon he's pushed off the topic. The few times I've expressly let him in on my suffering he's been limited in his responses. He's not a jerk normally, but he doesn't seem to realize how much this bothers me or that I'm valid to feel this way.

 

I feel betrayed: that my feelings are out of line, and she is innocent of any guilty behavior, and he doesn't feel like he has to be concerned.

 

You tell me what girl wouldn't be secretly thrilled to find herself living with a guy, in a home like that, after being on the road, single for so long... and wouldn't play fantasies of having him to herself? I don't doubt some of her indifference to my friendship is that she would rather I wasn't there at all.

 

But she's not going to say anything to him. So I'm that one with the problem. Even if it was only that seeing us together makes her lonely and she takes that out on me. I'm the only guilty party?

 

----

When I say all this it makes me sound very insecure to myself. I don't think he's going to leave me or even be interested in her physically. I am afraid that this could be some sign of an irreconceivable difference. We're at the two year mark soon. Maybe these are personality and trust issues we can't support each other on? Maybe he will tell me he really can't understand.

 

I resent that she gets to create a home, and a friendship that I can't be apart of; that she makes me feel uncomfortable in an environment that was sacred to me and she can cause me tension in my intimate life . I want her out, sure, but in her place another one could pop up much worse. Obviously this is something we need to understand and support each other on to survive a life time. I think he's handling us poorly. it's one thing to have an exciting new friend you want to spend time with, it's another when she lives with you and your girlfriend doesn't like her.

 

I'm planning on 'talking' with him tomorrow evening after a family gathering. The first time we'll have seen each other since our political argument, friday morning. My friends tell me I'm not crazy. This is a classic problem. But it feels like a turning point and I'm scared.

 

I would love to hear your stories and responses.

[melrich]

I've lost my home!

 

Could be an issue with the context of your emotions. It's not your home. It's hers. You can't lay down propreitorial angst where no proprietory exists.

 

I can understand your feeling but to give you honest feedback?...you sound like a little girl who is no longer popular because she has to wear braces. I think you have to try and see this thing for what it is...2 room mates who have to get along.

 

Out of interest, why don't you and your b/f move in together?

[CarnelianButterfly]

It sounds like is that you were predisposed to not liking her because she wasn't the old roommate and that you have a lot of issues dealing with the change in his house and environment. I lived with 2 guys and I didn't get to know their girlfriends, I really didn't care to, they weren't my roommates, the only thing I cared about was rent. I had trouble with one of their GFs giving me crap over being around her BF all the time, I told her, I live here, I pay rent, this is my home, if you want to be territorial move in with him or ask he not live with women. Not all women who live with men plan on relationships with the men.

 

You really do need to talk with him about this. If you feel insecure about him being close with other women maybe there are some trust issues.

[PRSOV]

Dump him immediately.

[melrich]

Dump him immediately.

 

Why do you say that PRSOV?

[candy604]

gosh personally, i'd never be comfortable with my bf having a girl as a roomie, it's just creates problems.

 

just talk to him about your feelings, maybe it's better he finds just guy roomies, b/c given that a guy and a girl spend aalot of time together, i'm sure eventually someone could develop feelings. ( it's natural reaction) Most guys i know aren't friends with a girl b/c they don'tlike them, they are friends b/c something is there about the girl they like.

[DN]

I hope no one is really suggesting that this girl gets evicted from her home because her roommates girlfriend is jealous. How unfair would that be?

[finewhine]

Silly hipsters! When will you learn that communal living and burlesque parties don't lend themselves to long-term relationships?

 

In any event, you're in the wrong and so's your boyfriend. First off, he never should have asked you if you were jealous of this woman's handiness or art grant. You're obviously competitive and somewhat insecure, and he was pushing your buttons. I suspect that he continues to push your buttons because he enjoys getting a rise out of you.

 

Second, I have to question why you're insulting this woman for looking butch. Don't assume that just because you're more conventionally pretty than she that she's threatened by you. Why is it important to you to both establish superiority and dominance over your boyfriend's roommate?

 

I don't know what I would do in your situation because I can't relate to it. All I can do is recognize the fact that your boyfriend is capitalizing on your weakness for his own amusement. That's kind of lame, no?

[Caterina]

I agree. I don't know about the girl, but this sounds like an issue between you and your boyfriend. So far, it doesn't sound likes she's said anything really all that bad. She actually sounds sort of friendly. The boyfriend shouldn't have tried to make you jealous...but he obviously succeeded.

[Juliana]

I admire your honesty; you hate that he has a friendship you can't be part of. And I've known guys who would specifically point up the attractiveness of other girls and then stare at me to get my reaction...yawn....

 

This has nothing to do with her. Of course, you know that already. And, even better, it has nothing to do with your boyfriend, either. It's really all about you, and whether or not you can handle the idea of losing someone who prefers someone else.

 

I suggest you continue enjoying the relationship you have with your boyfriend, and also, go out and do stuff you enjoy so that all your energy doesn't gradually get sucked into a relationship black hole. Your boyfriend is just playing with fire, here, and he knows it. Don't play that game. Go out and find something else to entertain yourself with; when he sees he's not getting the reaction he wants from you, maybe he'll settle down about it.

[caro33]

I agree with most of the above sentiments, except 'dump him immediately'. And it sounds like the poor girl can't win, and she is the only one who entered this situation in good faith. She might not even like your boyfriend. She might be gay and fancy you, she might think you are all a waste of time and be plotting her escape. Whatever. The floozy comment may well have been a kind attempt to stay cool but show she likes you. Some people just don't engage in the whole 'oh no, you're not like that at all, oh my, i think you're great' insecure people's conversation currency.

 

Yes your guy sounds like he's revving you up, and you are completely falling for it. I agree I would hate it too, but the situation here is about how you handle yourself now, not what the housemate does. And what can you ask your b/f to do? All I can suggest is that you admit perhaps you both made a mistake by pretending this situation would be okay, admit to some discomfort (if you are going to be honest) and say that he shouldn't play you off. Then go do your own thing.

[Rabican]

when you said open up your bed to other people, you do mean you guys are sleeping with other people correct?

 

If that is the case, then I see this whole relationship as doomed, new roomate or not. You wanted advice, thats my advice, have a normal relationship. Dont sleep with people outside of the two of you. Dont have roomates of the opposite sex.

[caro33]

when you said open up your bed to other people, you do mean you guys are sleeping with other people correct?

 

If that is the case, then I see this whole relationship as doomed, new roomate or not. You wanted advice, thats my advice, have a normal relationship. Dont sleep with people outside of the two of you. Dont have roomates of the opposite sex.

 

I am also with Rabican. I think the world is full of people who tell themselves they are sexually adventurous and isn't that great that they want to share their beds, and they have an open attitude to other people, but rarely does it work out in reality without someone getting hurt. Jealousy and fear of being replaced by someone else are all too real, and I think there is always one person who isn't really into it as much but says they are so they look open-minded and cool to the other person. Why risk it?

[OceanEyes]

I've actually been in a communal-living situation with three guys about three years ago, one of whom was my boyfriend. Here's how the relationship dynamics worked:

 

I was dating "the responsible" roommate. Always had to collect rent at the end of the month, pay the astoundingly high electricity bills on his Visa, deal with the idiot landlord while the others were more concerned with partying.

 

*Ben* was in a long-term relationship with *Amy*. Ben was the goofy, fun roommate. Amy and I didn't get along from the start, no matter HOW hard I tried. I had absolutely NO interest in Ben, and I doubt that he did in me either. In fact, Ben and I rarely got along because we were too much alike. I was told recently that she felt "uncomfortable" because of how at ease I was with the guys who lived there. I'm a naturally extraverted, blunt type of girl with the same sense of humour as the other guys (think: dumb comedies and beer-drinking in the middle of the week, etc.). She was shy, introverted, and soft-spoken. Basically, we were complete opposites.

 

*Chris* went through a string of girlfriends, all of whom I got along with famously.

 

*Dan* had one girlfriend, was a total sweetheart who couldn't have disapproved of anyone. We got along wonderfully.

 

Long story short? Unless you and this girl can somehow find a way to befriend one another - find common interests and such, there is absolutely no way this is going to work out well. At all. It didn't for me, and I can tell you that it is awful to have to avoid someone you simply can't avoid. She lives there, for an undetermined amount of time, and you two will simply have to find some common ground.

 

Your boyfriend is bating you a bit. He enjoys having both her AND your attention, and is milking it for everything its worth. If he wasn't, he wouldn't continually ask you dumb questions about being threatened. He's getting some immature pleasure out of it when he should be more sensitive about him taking on a female roommate. How do you think he'd react if you told him tomorrow that you answered an ad of a guy looking for a roommate? That the guy was "amazingly cool", and so on? Then his face was rubbed in yours and his relationship constantly? It's not impossible to defeat, but it takes some understanding from both sides. I'm not going to tell you to "get over it" or "get used to it", because NOTHING is that simple. You're a human being with complexity and needs of your own.

[New_Horizons]

This reminds me of that Seinfeld episode where George is dating a girl with a male roommate and he doesn't like it one bit. He eventually persuades her to ask him to move out and he does, taking all the furniture with him. Hilarious

 

Anyway the best suggestion I have for you is he move in with you or that both of you move to a third location. Anything else is only going to cause a lot of anxiety and/or hurt feelings.