NC, NC, NC... hoo, boy! (mini-rant)

[melrich]

I have NC in a very small box. I totally agree it is for the dumpee (hate that term too SB) to assist in healing.

 

I also think it is advice mainly for younger people who may not have experience to cope with their emotions, may not be able to trust themselves in front of an ex or it can be advised to older people who have not been through a heart break before and have that same issue around coping skills.

 

My experience is that after 2 or 3 break ups, most people have learnt the emotional maturity necessary to cope with them in future without having to revert to NC. Like anything, with practice you get better and coping with a break up is no different.

 

i totally agree that NC is not a panacea to all break up issues and as DN pointed out, there are many situations where it could actually be counter-productive. Particularly when you are dealing with two mature adults.

[Daddy Bear]

OK, SB, so you just hate people REFERRING to the same exact thing by calling it "NC" instead of one of your THREE long definitions? Hmmm, so according to you, anytime I want to express what I mean, I should state the definition for 1 of your 3 numbers (even though none of them might apply for the reasons I am doing NC). Very efficient, indeed. What exactly is the point of your post then? Are you suggesting we say "letting go" (even though that doesn't merit the psychological benefit, and it just semantics, as frisco mentioned)?

the point of this thread is right there in black and white in post #1: i wanted to find out if anyone else felt as i do on the subject of NC. i had, and have, no desire to argue its validity with any of its inflexible adherents. we might as well debate the existence of God!

 

you have stated that you do not agree with me, which is all i was asking. thank you for your enthusiastic participation.

[friscodj]

I've got to say, I've been through a lot of break-ups and I have learned something for sure. For me and my personality, "NC", "letting go", "disappearing", etc. is the only way for me to heal. I am such a bleeding heart/hopelessly romantic/forgiving person by nature, believe in people and love (perhaps too much), and get so emotionally invested in situations that letting go and disappearing is the only way for me to get back on track if I have put my heart into it. Period. Years of research support this with myself as the lab rat...

 

So I disagree that it comes down to an issue of maturity, trusting one's self, or coping skills. I believe it is based on the individual personalities (on both sides of the break) and situations involved.

 

My general rule encompasses avoidance of suggesting "NC" (or your preference of terminology) for people who have children together, those living together and/or who own property together, or life-and-death/gravely ill/terminal situations.

[melrich]

I believe it is based on the individual personalities (on both sides of the break) and situations involved.

 

Yep for sure. Some people do like to handle this type of thing by "disappearing".And that is fine. Whatever works for you basically.

 

But probably my point was (and not well made) that after you have had experiences of breaking up a few times, you are more in tune with what you can and can't cope with. You know more about yourself and how you will react and you can decide for yourself how you want to relate to your ex (you are unlikely to fire off 274 emalis/texts per day at them).

 

Advising NC for me is something I do when I get the feeling that the dumpee does not know how to cope. Because it is probably the safest option.

[friscodj]

Advising NC for me is something I do when I get the feeling that the dumpee does not know how to cope. Because it is probably the safest option.

 

I just don't agree with the suggested correlation between "knowing how to cope" and "NC" (or your choice of terminology). Like I said, from my experience for me, "NC" (or your choice of terminology) is the way to generate emotional distance so I can cope using the methods I've learned which work for me...

 

And many times I've experienced being the "dumper" hurts a hell of a lot too. Both people grieve after a separation to some degree...especially if the "dumper" realizes down the road they have more feelings than they thought in the matter, screwed up, and genuinely missed a chance at love because of it now that the other person has moved on...or perceive this to be the underlying truth of the matter...

 

But if it is genuinely an issue of personal physical safety, I will definitely suggest "NC" (or your choice of terminology).

[melrich]

from my experience for me, "NC" (or your choice of terminology) is the way to generate emotional distance so I can cope using the methods I've learned which work for me...

 

So you know how to cope.

[friscodj]

So you know how to cope.

 

What you suggested in your previous posts is that "NC" (or pick your term) is for people who don't know how to cope. You suggested "NC" is a "reversion" for those who can't handle their feelings and that one can learn to handle their feelings to avoid "NC".

 

For me, "NC" is a necessary avenue to walk leading to my healing process. Based on my personality and trial-and-error, it is the best way for me to get better and really dig within myself to fiugre the situation out and learn from it.

 

Sure, I could "control" my feelings, do the post-break-up song-and-dance, the dog-and-pony show, the fake hugs and smiles, avoid the emotional topics, and repress my grief like this, but I choose "NC" because it works for me and can do so for someone who's 17 or 57, has been through one break-up or 100, based on their individual personality and emotional make-up.

[melrich]

What you suggested in your previous posts is that "NC" (or pick your term) is for people who don't know how to cope.

 

I didn't know my post was going to be interrogated!!

 

That quote above does not exclude NC being for those who DO know how to cope. If like you that is how they have learnt is the best way for them to cope with a break up then by all means use NC (or whatever you want to call it).

[friscodj]

I didn't know my post was going to be interrogated!!

 

That's right...every word in your posts on this board gets dissected and if I don't like something...it's your (

 

 

[Momene]

Even as a "mature adult", I was last dumped 20 years ago. I think the most difficult part of being the dumpee is acceptance (see my Golden Rules). Keep begging the dumper to take you back is going to irritate them and cast you in the role of stalker.

 

What I've learned about dumping is that it is also hard for the dumper (even though the dumpee thinks that they are cruel and heartless) and that whenever you split, you will find someone else sooner or later if you want to.

[doyathink]

decide for yourself how you want to relate to your ex (you are unlikely to fire off 274 emalis/texts per day at them).

 

 

I love this part!

 

Email #1. Whacha doin?

 

2. Where ya been?

 

3. Are you goin out tonight?

 

4. WHO WAS THAT GIRL WITH YOU TODAY?

 

5. You wanna meet for coffee?

 

6. I WANT ALL THE STUFF I GAVE YOU BACK!

 

7. ARE YOU IGNORING ME?

 

8. I still love you, do you still love me? * hugs and kisses honey*

[friscodj]

I love this part!

 

Email #1. Whacha doin?

 

2. Where ya been?

 

3. Are you goin out tonight?

 

4. WHO WAS THAT GIRL WITH YOU TODAY?

 

5. You wanna meet for coffee?

 

6. I WANT ALL THE STUFF I GAVE YOU BACK!

 

7. ARE YOU IGNORING ME?

 

8. I still love you, do you still love me? * hugs and kisses honey*

 

 

This is brilliant...

[Daddy Bear]

What about a situation in which both parties to the relationship were married? The affair ends...but do you expect that wayward spouses should still be in contact with the "other person." For some reason, I expect that you do think that is acceptable.

excellent question; incorrect conclusion. it's kind of a no-brainer: IF your goal is to make your marriage work, your contact with this "other person" is unhealthy and counterproductive... duh.

 

there are people with whom i have made the decision never again to interact. i just don't make a ritualistic, i'll-show-you kind of production out of it.

 

interestingly, one of those people is a woman i encountered through this very website, whose recent history (or should i say, her factually incorrect version of it) mirrors point-by-point the undoubtedly 100% true story of your recent infidelity as found in your other three public posts. fascinating coincidence, isn't it?

 

or is it?

 

Really...your last sentence in #2...sounds bitter. Correct me if I'm wrong...

as bitter as the username you chose to represent yourself, friend?

 

bitterness is the conjoined twin of self-pity, and rarely these days is it a motivator of my writing. i inserted the comment in question because of a thread i saw on ENA by a girl who was undecided over this very thing. many of the responses advising her against it, i thought, were tinged with more than just a little negativity and hatred... and bitterness.

 

consider yourself corrected... and recognized.

 

next attacker, please.

[rmpavlock]

Hmmm...I don't know. I guess I sort of look at "no contact" and "letting go" as the same thing. I think I needed no contact in order to let go. My ex would always call and try to get back together with me and each time it felt like I had to break up with him all over again. Finally I stopped talking to him altogether. Now things are much more calm and the phone hasn't been ringing like it has before.

 

I have to agree that using NC as a way of getting someone who doesn't want to be with you is pretty bad. Chances are, if the person doesn't want to be with you, no contact could have the opposite result of the one you desire. I do believe that "The opposite of love isn't hate. It's indifference." If the person is not interested, they aren't going to care either way if you don't call or not. It's unfortunate, but it's true. Time to move on.

[langford]

NC is great ive always been for it,cutting the cord straight away prevents you from turning into a pathetic version of yourself.

 

It's more about self preservation than playing aloof.I did'nt even know there was a term for it until i came here.

 

Though I do feel that NC taken in too great a quantity is probably unhealthy and indicates that someone is unable to deal with or confront emotions/issues so simply runs away.

[blemished]

Hey SB, I don't think it's fair to tell me I am misinterpeting this: "i'm so sick of seeing this term i want to pluck my eyeballs out. when you use this tidy little euphemism, you're really talking aboout one of three things which is your re-definition of NC as one of the 3 terms. You are sick of hearing about NC, and you'd like to clarify what it is about. I don't think there is room for misinterpretation in that. So, kudos to you for being sick of it-- but I don't know what to tell you since NC is very useful for people on this board, so I think it's here to stay.

 

As for frisco's topic re: if everyone should do NC or not, (note - I didn't read thru all your posts) yes it is a personal decision, I agree, and an individual's situation is beyond the scope of our understanding (since we are all strangers), but I do think there is a difference between 1) implementing NC for the time is takes to heal from the end of a relationship and 2) implementing NC forever. I think #2 is more of the personal choice and #1 is more of the necessary action for people in non-child (or other complications) matters.

[blemished]

"there are people with whom i have made the decision never again to interact. i just don't make a ritualistic, i'll-show-you kind of production out of it."

 

Hmm, neither have I. But it still qualifies as NC. Maybe in SB's dark world, I call it that so I can contribute on NC-related threads, which help me deal with the decision I (maturely) made to discontinue contact in a situation which was not working out for me. It's not about "showing" an ex with whom I don't speak, it's about helping myself get through the healing process.

 

=P Lighten up, dude. Be happy.

[Daddy Bear]

aw, shucks. you saw through my evil plan! i didn't really create this thread to see if anyone agreed with me (and haven't already gotten enough positive feedback to make it worth my while)--i was going to eradicate NC from the face of the Earth with one fell swoop and take over the world!

 

it's amazing how you could see right through my web of deception. y'know, considering how hard i toiled to obfuscate my true intent with like, a tissue of lies and all that stuff.

 

curses, foiled again! drat and double drat!!

 

oh, well... back to the old evil drawing board.

 

thank you AGAIN for your sparklingly tenacious participation.

[Daddy Bear]

LMAO!! "SB's dark world"!! damn it, you outfunnied me!

 

listen, i don't know if you've read any of my two thousand posts but if i lightened up any more i'd be on the ceiling.

 

thanks for making my night.

[doyathink]

I think one thing bent is trying to get accross is that some ppl use it in the wrong way. To hurt their ex! There is no reason to say he is in a 'dark world' tho, as far as I know he is a very cheerful person.