low self-esteem and the second decade blues

[melatonin]

I'm 20 years old, 21 next month. When I was a young kid, I was my parents' wunderchild - I knew I had lots of potential and I knew I was one of those people who would become the best at whatever they did; I had endless enthusiasm for life and a thirst for experience and the future.

 

My childhood dreams have eroded completely, I don't have much - if any - of the wonder and unshakeable optimism of my childhood left. I feel like a failure to myself, not just other people - I'm a shadow of what I can be and it pains me so much. I have a complex about the way I look - I've nothing really to be worried about, I don't think I've ever had any problems attracting people, but I can't get past my need to feel aesthetically 'perfect' every day. Unless I have that invincible feeling you get when you walk down the street looking great, I tend to lapse to the opposite end of the spectrum and feel really awful about the impression I give to people.

 

With this insecurity about how I come accross, it makes me really wary of meeting new people, and I even wonder how well my relationships are going with people I already know - I need to feel impressive, striking and unique, like I can captivate people - and when it's not happening, which now is almost always, I feel like a piece of the furniture, which means nothing special to anyone. Unless I'm achieving something out-of-the-ordinary I feel really flat and worthless, but when I do I feel absolutely on top of the world; totally invincible and completely sure of everything good in the world and of my self-value.

 

My dad died a couple of years ago and now I often want his advice on growing up and how to cope with this stage of life, but he's not there to help me. I wonder if he's watching me, and if so whether he could possibly be proud of what he sees. Although we never bonded emotionally until the very end of his life, he was throughout my childhood a source of awe - the quintessential successful businessman who had the charisma, wit and moral backbone that engendered a deep respect from everyone he met, least (or most) of all, me.

 

Since we never really had an emotional connection for most of my life, and towards the end of his he was very sick (MS), I've never really had a proper male rolemodel and I think this could lie somewhere close to the root of my problem. I have a brother but he has led a pretty dysfunctional life and although I love him we don't have much in common, at least not on the emotional level.

 

I'm thinking of seeing some about this. I've had fluctuating self-esteem for several years now, but always I told myself it would just get better, or I expected new beginnings such as university to do it for me. What I've learned, or admitted to myself, in the near past is that there is something inside me that is hurt which extraneous factors cannot affect, at least not for any length of time.

 

Thanks for reading if you did, and I'd love to hear any views if you have them. I think, apart from my own individual circumstances above, a kind of general flatness and disillusionment is a common thing among people of my age (perhaps it contributes to the insane levels of suicide in my age-group) who find it hard to get to grips with the transition between the beauty and innocence of childhood and the brutal reality of adulthood. If that's the case then I hope this thread can benefit others, too.

 

-Laurence

 

PS I've already seen Garden State..

 

PPS technically it's the third decade blues, but whatever

[Relationship Coach]

Laurence,

What a fantastic thread and I'm sure that you will find many who have been where you are today or perhaps those who are standing right next to you now. There certainly is a transition period which those in your age group are faced with and surprisingly enough many don't actually see it for another 2 or 3 years. So you're a head of the game in my book!

 

Growing up lacking that emotional bond is something I can relate to, my father was a career military man and was absent from my home the majority of the time, when he was home he was often drunk. My father and I had a very rocky relationship since I can remember up until about 3 years ago when he became very ill. He was drinking himself to death. With much intervention, prayer and will power on his part his is now a healthy recovering alcoholic. I know the feeling of being without guidance. I cherish every moment I have with him now.

 

Your father sounds like he was a great man and he left a big part of him behind, you. You see, knowing him the way you did gives you a chance to emulate his behavior and stand tall as he did. I imagine even in his debilitated state near the end he was quite stoic. You have his qualities with in you, you just need to call them up. Get the book "The Man In The Mirror" by Patrick Morley, it can change your life.

 

Best of Luck,

 

RC

[melatonin]

First of all thanks for your reply. The last paragraph is particularly affecting - I'm always deeply encouraged by the thought that I am his 'legacy' (well, myself and my siblings) and it is bolstered by the fact I look a lot like him - it's tragic and immensely saddening on the one hand, but uplifting and affirming on the other.

 

I've bought the book you suggested. The synopsis was enough to get me more than a little interested, and on Amazon Used it cost peanuts.

 

Thanks for your input, I really appreciate it

 

-Laurence

[The Vitruvian Man]

This thread struck a chord with me as I am going through a similar predicament. I, too feel like I must be "perfect looking" or "emotionially captivating" or else nobody will even bother looking at me. I also feel like I must be an overachiever or nobody will care what I have to say. I find myself losing that youthful optimism I had as a child as I transistion into adulthood.

 

I take solace in the fact that I am not alone in these feelings. I hope my post will provide the same for you.

 

And Garden State was an excellent film.

[FoxLocke]

This thread definitely struck a chord with me as well.

 

I'm 25 and I'll be 26 in November. As I find myself rapidly approaching three decades I do get scared. I am not where I thought, or who I thought, I would be at this point.

 

I've dealt with low self esteem issues, practically, my entire life. Moreover, I hid them behind a facade of perpetual perfection. I concentrated more on how people perceived me(my endless quest to be perfect) as opposed to what would make ME happy...

 

Unfortunately, I didn't come to the realization as early as you. But, as the old saying goes, "Better late than never." I've been going to therapy, regularly, for the past two months. It was the best thing that I ever did for myself. By changing my old habits and releasing my negativity I've been able to take hold of my self esteem and begin to live my life on my own terms. I am happier than I have ever been in my life now.

 

It is hard work getting to a place of self acceptance, and it is still a journey for me. But it is a road worth traveling.

 

Good luck to you.

 

I loved Garden State too! Natalie Portman is one of my favorite actresses!

[melatonin]

I keep blaming myself for the failure of interpersonal relations in my life - do you think that is the right thing to do? I mean I cannot pretend to be the most amiable chap at all times, so I suppose it is futile for me to expect to magnetically attract everyone I meet, but despite this I keep thinking it is my fault when I don't click with someone or when conversation is awkward or anything like that. I seem to have a barrier to really letting go and being comfortable with people.

 

Since I've got a low opinion of myself in terms of first impressions and interactions with people with whom I'm not 100% comfortable, I inevitably think it's my failing when an exchange is anything less than perfect. How can I see past this?

[Juliana]

Laurence, I also grew up in the shadow of a "super person." There is just no way I could find any faults in my mother -- and no one else could either. My mother was a beautiful and charming woman; I was gawky and awkward. Yikes! Age and perspective have made me appreciate that while I am alot like her, I didn't have to be her. Filling her stiletto heels wasn't supposed to be my job here on earth after all, and she would have been the first person to point it out.

 

Thing is, no one is looking at the "outside you" when they meet you. At least, no one intelligent. They are looking at the outside you for signs of who the inside you is. That's what they're really interested in.

 

I think there is a "magical moment" when we learn to like ourselves -- for me, it came from meeting someone who looked past the outside and loved me for me. For others, maybe it comes from their families, or from a friend. Whatever it is, that time when you are able to find your self-esteem is what sets you free to approach other people without worrying about how they see you or what they see, and just be interested in them, which is, after all, the most charming thing we can do.

[melatonin]

Thanks for your post, it was good to read.

 

Should we wait fot the magical moment (been waiting for as long as I can remember) and avoid getting interventionist help or does there come a time when enough is enough and we need to take positive action?

[Juliana]

Sorry this response is a bit late.

 

The problem with high-achieving parents, and fathers in particular, is that the whole family may be organized around them. This sometimes creates issues for the children of these people. There are no perfect families; what we are looking for here is a best possible outcome scenario, and you are wonderfully situated to get that.

 

If you're thinking of seeing a shrink...that's very common at your age. I'm not able, at this remove, to offer anymore advice other than this caution: I would suggest you discuss this with two people who know you better to get their opinions; one should be a family member, the other a close, close friend. Therapeutic relationships are not something to enter into lightly.

 

When we are young, we look to other people to provide our support and confirmation of our self-image. Our parents do this, hopefully, and then as we get older, we gradually take that over for ourselves, testing ourselves against the challenges of our lives and our ambitions for ourselves. That is where self-esteem comes from: Not thinking, but doing. Sensitive, intelligent and high-achieving young men attempting to go out into the world very frequently have "dark nights of the soul," where they doubt themselves because their ambitions are so high (as is reasonable, considering what they are capable of), but they have not yet had time to build up the back-log of successful experiences that will tell them they they really do have "the right stuff."

 

My advice to you would be to start from the ground up. Create your life. It is critical that you guard your future: Your education has to come first. In addition, undertake some kind of regular, hard physical exercise for at least 20 minutes 3 times a week. You need to get involved with some kind of volunteer or charity work, probably on a once-a-month basis. Service clubs do community work and are always looking for new members, and you can make valuable connections that way (my brother was sponsored on a good-will trip to India).

 

You need to be creatively expressive as well; you could join a band, if you're musical, a writer's group if you write -- the point is to get out there and get doing things with other people. Be careful who you take up as friends; seek out people you admire, people with good moral sense who are loyal and funny. Successful people never get there alone entirely alone; you need people in your corner to cheer for you.

 

Introspection only takes us so far, then it's time to act. Do not mistake lack of confidence or energy for inability. Behaviouralists are becoming more and more convinced that, rather than attitude producing action, it is really the other way around -- it is the action that shapes the attitude. If you live like a depressed person, you will become a depressed person. The choices you make, and the people you associate with, will shape the person you become.

This period of your life may be stormy and challenging, even frightening, but it's full of creative potential and energy. Make good choices so that when it's over, you will be left with riches and not poverty of experience. Remember those childhood dreams? Remember who you thought you'd be? Well, the only way to get there is one step at a time. I know, because I did it.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Laurence -

 

I am so very impressed with your eloquence and entirely sympathetic to your situation.

 

I am in situation fairly similiar to yours, merely 1.5 years younger! I too was always praised for my intelligence and original thinking throughout my childhood and adolescence. Family friends and my teachers would frequently tell my parents just how much potential I had, how talented and smart I was, and so on.

 

In accordance, I developed strong interests in human health, religion and psychology as I grew up, spending much of my free time buying books and reading articles concerning these subjects. I also had an inclination to act; but at 15 what I decided I really wanted to do was Medicine.

 

I did some related work experience, and started Science courses. I adored working in hospitals and care homes as part of my (self-arranged) placements, and to this day I am absolutely crazy about health, the human body, and illnesses both physical and mental.

 

Sounds beautiful, doesn't it? Well, it all changed when I had my first serious run in with Bipolar disorder at 16. My world fell apart.

 

Apathy since set in and has never returned. I doubt I could get a University reference even if I wanted to go now; I've doen such a lot of *chopping and changing* and showing over the last 2 years or so that I am very inconsistent and have great emotional instability.

 

I know how much it hurts to have a very promising childhood and somehow, via whichever route, it crumbles. I hope you find peace and an occupation that suits you; know that there are many in this position, I'm sure.

 

Emily

[melatonin]

Thanks for your warm reply, it was great to read.

 

You said that it is common for people of my age to consider seeing a shrink - is that a fact? I wasn't aware of it. Does that mean that many people who get past this age (of whom there are a few..) did get the help of a shrink or 'grew out of it'? I would assume the latter. If that's right, then the majority of people (who don't have the benefit of either a shrink or excellent advice such as your own) must either continue with these problems, or simply shed them as they grow older.

 

I hope it's a natural thing to let them go, even if one doesn't get the chance to (or just plain doesn't) follow the 'life marshalling' techniques that you have described and those detailed in countless self-help books. It worries me that life requires so much self-management; we have to keep our minds and souls in check with artificial forces in order to keep on the straight and narrow. I think that might lie somewhere within my problems, and the general trouble people have with careering into adulthood - our happiness is no longer a given, it has to be built and takes time and effort. And on top of that, we have to live with all the trappings of adulthood like relationships and mortgages and job aspirations. A scary realisation I suppose, but also a necessary one.

 

I get a buzz out of achieving, and when I really take a step back and consider things objectively (the absense of objectivity is I think one of the great precipitators of this bad mindset) I have achieved much, and I'm in no sense a failure. When you have high expectations of yourself it's easy to not give full merit to your past and present achievements, since your nature is to strive for more. I suppose a step back and a quiet bit of reflection can give perspective.

 

The last couple of days I've felt pretty good. I put on some nice clothes and felt when I went into uni that I was someone worth looking at (back to this in a second). Today I had an interview to be an editor for a student-run legal journal, and I thought that went well and I was bouyed by the realisation that I don't even mind if I don't get the post - I was peer-interviewed and didn't really feel intimidated in any way; if they don't think I can do what they want then they're wrong. I know my abilities when it comes to using my brain. That was a liberating feeling.

 

I still haven't heard if I've got the position, but in a sense it doesn't really matter because I felt good for going for it - I thought about it a lot and considered not bothering, making some excuse to myself for not doing it (then feeling bad for missing a perfectly good opportunity). But I did it and it feels good.

 

Now, returning to what I said above about feeling good about how I looked. I'm bothered that I feel so much more capable and able to deal with difficult situations when I feel like I look good. This is something a lot of people live with all their waking life - women especially - but it's not something I want. It strikes me as a real bind - one shouldn't need affirmation of that kind to be able to perform in any given situation. And the worst part is, I generally look pretty decent - I dress well and whatnot. The trouble is I just feel 'flat' without that extra 'zing' factor to give me a spring in my step. I feel I should see above it - I'm talking about it after all - but I just can't seem to.

 

I was teased when I was 10 for being chubby - I had moved to a totally new area and started to comfort eat to compensate - and I think that has 'scarred' (for want of a better word) me with a self consciousness about my appearance. Now that I'm writing this, I'm thinking a new theory - if I'm so well-adjusted when I feel I look good and my mind can rest on that issue because 'that base is covered', then perhaps I don't have a self-esteem issue as such but instead a self-consciousness one.

 

How can one get over such a thing? Self-perception is a pretty strong thing. I figure since I know I'm capable of feeling good about myself, the cracks of light are showing through and they just need a little helping hand to break down the wall of self-consciousness altogether.

 

What do you think? Thanks again for your fantastic replies and for reading my thoughts..

[Juliana]

I'm about twice your age, but from what I remember, about 3/4's of my friends were always running around complaining that they thought they needed to see a shrink. One of the benefits of age is you get to be a big know-it-all in an effort to keep other people from repeating your mistakes. Also, I've lately become interested in a new "trend" in pop psychology that looks at self-reliance as an under-rated virtue. So alot of my current thinking reflects that interest. I do know that some quite serious issues (i.e. Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissism) have a tendency to resolve as we age, which is quite hopeful.

 

I think that most of your problems potentially could iron themselves out without you doing anything about specific ones, like self-consciousness, for example. As long as you keep building up your life and respecting your goals and dreams, those problems may simply go away on their own. I know it seems like alot of work to do the things I've suggested, but the reality is, all that work was done for you before -- your parents made sure you ate right, exercised, went to school, took part in clubs and activities, were given opportunities for self-expression. They provided all that structure. Now it's time to assume responsibility for all that yourself, one step at a time. All listed out as I have it, it seems like alot, but it really isn't. It does require a degree of discipline and organization, but I'm the sort of person who enjoys that, so it works for me.

 

"I still haven't heard if I've got the position, but in a sense it doesn't really matter because I felt good for going for it - I thought about it a lot and considered not bothering, making some excuse to myself for not doing it (then feeling bad for missing a perfectly good opportunity). But I did it and it feels good."

 

I know this struggle well. I don't know exactly why I get it -- I'm sure it's something to do with self-defeating inner talk -- but I've had it alot in my life; a sort of exhausted despair where I just don't see the point or don't want to bother trying. Interestingly, there's never any obvious reason why I should feel that way. It is absolutely deadly. You've already knocked it down once; if it springs up again, do the same again. There's no reason why you shouldn't pursue your goals; if you don't, someone else certainly will. You may not get the position -- there are alot of considerations besides ability -- but you've already seen, simply going to be interviewed was an accomplishment. The interview process intimidates alot of people, and is a separate experience altogether from actually getting a job. Congratulations on handling it well.

[melatonin]

Thanks for your reply and sorry for my very late response. I'm doing what I normally do - recovering a little from the pits then forgetting there's a problem and consequently not really solving it nor giving it the attention it needs, until this cycle comes round once again.

 

So here I am, I'm going to reply. Turns out I got the editor-ship which I'm very happy about. I've made a list of post-its with what I see as my principle achievements and stuck them on the side of my PC so I can see then whenever I'm here, to remind me of what I've done and can do. I'm trying hard to take a more positive attitude and to 'care less' about insignificant things, like the feeling of apprehension walking into a seminar or the whole 'looking perfect' thing. I can manage it to a point, and I've felt a bit better recently than when I posted the original topic.

 

It's good, I just don't know if I 'believe' it. I don't know if this will endure - I can recognise it as part of a cycle of highs and lows (the slowdive, the hitting rock-bottom, the pseudo-revelation, the euphoric and short-lived happiness, the mundanity, and again the slowdive). I never know if the calmness after the storm is the future or whether it's simply another stage in yet another cycle - I never know if my self-help (from forums, books or whatever) actually takes root and makes a fundamental change which will endure for the rest of my life. And given my experience I suppose I'm cynical that it ever will, if there even is a kind of 'solution' to the problem.

 

On Tuesday it's my 21st birthday, and I'm stressing about people to invite and what to do. I'm stressing about whether I am sufficiently friendly with some of my aquaintances for me to want them at any event I host/suggest. I worried that if I do something and it flops the 'extraneous friends' i invite will think i'm a dud. It's daft since it's my birthday and I should be able to do whatever I want, but since it's arrived in a particularly transitional phase of my life, where I need all the successes and support I can get, I'm scared that if it goes off with anything less than success, my development process will be stunted, or worse, destroyed completely. I don't want to return to how I felt a couple of weeks ago when I made the original post.

 

I suppose I'm expecting a kind of watershed, some sort of switch being flipped, so I can walk away head-high from my 'past' with a knowing smile and a hope and optimism for the future. But I guess such a switch doesn't exist.. I fear i'm my own worst enemy when it comes to maintaining the development process - I'm like someone trying to lose weight in vain - I work hard for a short period of time but then when I see no results after a given period I give in, without realising that the full course needs to be followed to get any kind of result. All or nothing. What do you think?

[Juliana]

I think rather than a watershed (they happen, but not reliably) what you should focus on is making steady forward progress -- faster during periods when you are feeling naturally more confident & relaxed, slower during periods when you are less so -- and gradually, what I'm anticipating you will find is that your successes will build on themselves to bring you to a place where your "lows" are not so low and your "highs" are more prolonged.

 

The other advantage of making steady progress is that your successes stop feeling like flukes to you. You know that you have brought them about by working for them. There's always an element of good fortune in the lives of successful men, but there is a far greater element of perseverance and determination. You have to focus on your short term and long term goals and not deviate from moving towards accomplishing them.

 

"Turns out I got the editor-ship which I'm very happy about. I've made a list of post-its with what I see as my principle achievements and stuck them on the side of my PC so I can see then whenever I'm here, to remind me of what I've done and can do. I'm trying hard to take a more positive attitude and to 'care less' about insignificant things, like the feeling of apprehension walking into a seminar or the whole 'looking perfect' thing. I can manage it to a point, and I've felt a bit better recently than when I posted the original topic."

 

Congratulations on getting the post. It sounds interesting. I like your idea about the post it notes on the computer as well -- everything in this paragraph sounds right on target. I think this is a reasonable, positive attitude, and one you can refer back to when in doubt.

 

There are people in life who feel that, for whatever reason, they don't have the power to act or to affect anything in their own lives. They learn a sort of helplessness in childhood, perhaps because no one ever listened to them or took them seriously, and it pursues them into adulthood. Every time they are faced with a crisis, they just flail around not knowing how to act, until the situation resolves itself due to entropy, and they are left feeling that they are inadequate to deal with their own lives. They do not shape their lives to any appreciable degree; they just cope with what fate hands them. Now, choices, crises, and opportunities are as inevitable in life as waves on the sea. They will hit you. Your ability to meet them and take advantage of the power they offer will be determined by how focused and strong you have made yourself in the way you've chosen to live between the waves.

 

You have far too much insight not to realize that all or nothing is a short-sighted proposition in life. From my perspective, there is only one "switch," and that is the decision to take responsibility for the direction of your life, as opposed to letting yourself be tossed around this way and that. All the choices you make will build on each other, and take you to a destination, either or your choosing, or not. When you get there, you will look back and say "my past brought me to this." And that will either be said in pride, or in despair. I think you have already won the inner battle that will eventually bring you to be the kind of person & to a life you want. It's just a matter of having faith in that decision and in yourself.

[Alabama]

I feel the same way. I'm a perfectionist at heart and it feels like I have to be strong everyday or otherwise I'm a failure. I also suffer from low self-esteem and wonder how I'll also be able to solve it. But there's always hope, I'm sure.

[melatonin]

How do you give yourself a break in order to allow the process to happen? I find myself constantly comparing my development to those around me, and what I see is someone who appears to be significantly lacking. For example, both my flatmates are out tonight doing things with people I don't know - and it occurs to me, that even if I wanted to be out doing something, there is virtually no-one with whom I could do it. I can't help but think I'm a failure compared to my friends who seem to be getting on fine - I'm even sometimes secretly glad when they stay in because it means my staying in doesn't comfirm my failure in my head.

 

I just can't get over the 'meeting people' stage. I make small friendships with people who I come accross by default in seminars etc, but nothing that ever goes anywhere.

 

 

Is my time simply yet to come? I can't see me making half-decent friendships when I have all these hangups. I wonder if worrying about friendships is preventing the hangups going away (it's a vicious circle) and only without the hangups will the friendships arise. But I don't want to simply wait for the next stage in my life (a career) and pin all my hopes on that resolving my problems - that's what I've always done, and sure, the novelty of the new experience does tend to overshadow the problems for a time, but in the end I always stagnate in whatever situation I'm in and return to these feelings of inadequacy.

[Juliana]

Laurence, good to hear from you again. I remember another man who said much the same things you have: "When in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes, I all alone beweep my outcast state, and trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries, and look upon myself and curse my fate, wishing me like to one more rich in hope, featured like him, like him with friends possess'd, desiring this man's art, and that man's scope" – do you think William Shakespeare ever felt inadequate?

 

Of course, we are the worst possible judges of our own success. It does no good to compare ourselves to other people; the glass is flawed, the mirror does not reflect kind things. Your worries and fears of inadequacy are not facts. So set those worries aside, for now; how useful can those self-doubts be? What actions do they engender? What help do they give, and in the end, are they even true?

 

It is not that you are stagnating in the situations in which you are in; it is that you are impatient with the rate of your own success, and this is dangerous. It can lead you to despair; to believe that you are not progressing when you actually are. Much of a successful life is a steady upward climb; it's only close to the top of the mountain that the views become rewarding. For now, you probably find that new situations are stimulating for awhile, but then the gratification of the newness wears off, and your continual doubts that never really went away return to the forefront of your mind. This frustration and self-doubt is a constant enemy that you are going to have to battle til the end. Everyone has their Achilles heel; this is yours (and maybe Shakespeare's as well!).

 

Your worries and feelings are based on a comparison not entirely just of yourself with other people, but more specifically I think, on a comparison of yourself as you wish to be. What your worries tell you is where you want to go; it's up to you then to make the path to the place and the person you want to be.

 

I addressed some of this in my second, earlier, response to you, and made concrete suggestions there that I hope you'll consider, at least in the short term. As you say, your time has not yet come, but there are things you can do to ensure that that moment does arrive. It is not enough to simply want to have friends. I have a brother who was much less socially adept than many other guys his age. He struggled socially. But my brother always pursued his real interests for their own sake; politics, hockey, travel -- and through those experiences, gradually became more and more socially at ease, until today, he is a very confident person who doesn't need to strive to impress anyone – he simply does impress. My brother is perhaps closest to his family, still; there is that legacy of his earlier life, but he no longer struggles socially, and in fact, complains of having too many things he has to go out to.

 

I suppose what I am trying to say is that in order to attract people to oneself and have a good social life, it is not necessary to be very socially adept or talented, it is simply necessary to go out and enjoy oneself with other people at whatever one is doing, and from that sincere mutual enjoyment, real friendships will come.

 

Hope some of this helps. Always happy to listen to someone else's "bootless cries."