No talking or touching

[JenS]

I don't know if anyone can help me here but maybe someone has been through this before and would be of help.

My boyfriend and I have lived together for 2 months. We started going out in November of last year and we stopped seeing each other when I decided that I wanted to see someone else back in January (he later found out that I was seeing him and someone else at the same time). I later came to my senses and figured out he was a great guy and after a bit of begging on my part, we got back together in March. He lived in another town up until August and he always had a tough time talking to me on the phone, but when we were together he would talk to me and want to be with me non-stop.

In August he moved in with me and my children, but it has not been the same. He has increasingly become more distant. He does not want me to touch him..I try to hug and he pushes me away, he doesn't want to have sex (maybe once a week if we are lucky), and he has started to be a bit mean verbally. I have been all over him about talking to me and touching me, but he gives me excuses that I am in a bad mood when I come home or that he is tired and wants to be by himself and not talk.

I would like this to work, my children love him and I don't want to bring anyone else into their life. I really just don't know what to do.Please respond if you have time.

[arwen]

Hey Jen,

 

I am sorry that things didn't turn out the way you wanted. Moving in after 7 months is a bit on the quick side, I think. After 3 months, you saw someone else next to him, or did you break up and see two other men? I didn't understand, but I think he might have felt cheated on back then. In addition, he moved into a family, not with just you. I think the only thing you can do is stimulate him to open up about your relationship. 'I am in a bad mood' is not a reply to your question, you already know he's distant, moody and probably not happy. I understand you don't want this for your children but I think for them it's also not great to see their mom and a grumpy boyfriend who aren't happy together.

 

There are some possibilities, none of them are really easy. One is to continue this way, but then you are both unhappy. Second, you can suggest couple's therapy, but I think him opening up to you should be the first step. A third option is to have him move out. Then, you can stay together but not live together, and have time apart when you need it. Or you can decide to break up.

 

It worries me that he is mean to you verbally. If he does that in front of your kids, I doubt that staying together is better for them than breaking up.

 

Ilse

[Momene]

He may well have doubts or regrets about moving in. You need to ask, hard though it may seem.

[RayKay]

I am not sure staying together while you are both miserable is a good idea "for the kids" either. They may have grown attached, but they also deserve that love, and so do you!

 

I am very concerned about the verbal abuse, and even the use of physical intimacy as almost a "control" in denying it. Something seems fishy here.

 

You need to talk to him, and find out what is going on. 7 months to move in is early in itself, never mind if you have kids too to think of, and I wonder if he is having some doubts - related or not related to the rocky beginnings or that now that the "honeymoon period" is over, he is debating whether he really wants this relationship....

[pooh-bare]

Move him OUT and quick! I see it getting worse, not better.