should I tell him how I feel?(long)

[blueberrypie]

Hello enotaloners,

I need your help again.

Since you wouldn't remember my stories, here's a quick recap: My ex of 10 months broke up with me almost 4 months ago because he was going abroad to study for six months. Since he thought you need to at least communicate with each other every day to be in a relationship, but we weren't sure if we could do that once he went abroad, we decided(or rather, he decided and I sort of agreed after I showed my anger about his one-sided decision) to break up temporarily and would see what happens when he comes back.

After that we kept NC/LC(at most once a month, and it was actually our deal when we broke up. Since we still want to have possibility of getting back together, we thought it would be good if we wouldn't completely cut the contacts, but not so often. So we said once a month contacts would be appropriate) till last week. Last week, we exchanged emails everyday. He's not exactly an email or phone guy. He's very attentive once you are in front of him, but it's hard to get in touch with him once you are not in front of him. He tried and got a lot better while we are dating, but that's because I kept nagging him about calling. Anyways, before last week, I thought I was doing well without him in my life and ready for friendship with him. When he first replied my email right away, I was surprised but thought it was just one time thing and didn't expect anything from him. But as it happens many times, I began to wait for his emails. He doesn't even say that he misses me. He called me the pet name he made up for me once and apologized in case I didn't want him to call me that way any more which I replied as I don't mind him using it. The last message from him was a very short message saying he didn't have enough time to write a decent response so he would write in a nearish future.

For most of you who's reading this post now, it wouldn't look like anything. He's just lonely and want to talk to someone. But the person I know is not that kind of guy. If he didn't have enough time to write a decent response, he could have just done it later. He didn't have to send me a message saying that he would do it later. I feel like he's missing me and wants to get back together with me eventually, but is very careful about it. After all, nothing's changed since we broke up. He's there and I'm here. But, we are communicating every day, which was a necessary condition for having a relationship for him.

Yes, he's not asking me to get back together. We are not talking about things like that. So I probably should just ignore the fact that we were together 10 months and treat him as a friend. But, I still love him. I can't forget about a possibility of getting back together when he comes back which is 3 months from now. And communicating with him every day through emails made me realize that how much I miss him. Should I tell him I still want to get back together and exchanging emails makes me more confused? If he's already got over me and makes it clear to me, I think I could try to be his friends without expecting more. I just don't want to hope something for 3 more months when there's no hope. Or should I just keep quiet about my feeling and wait till he comes back since there's nothing we can do right now?

I'm sorry that my question is not very clear. But hopefully some of you understands my question and can give me some advice!

 

thanks in advance

[nicholas_the_great]

Well I am probably the opposite of this fella in question. I mean, I am very 'attachable' and I don't know if I agree with his decision to break up in the first place. But putting that aside, I will give my opinion. Just remember, opinions are like butts, everyone has one, and they all stink.

 

I feel you shouldn't hold your breath. There is a good possibility that you two will get back together in 3 months. But there is a possibility that you won't. I can tell you from experience that travelling like he is can really change a person. And it will likely mature him. He is at the point in his trip that he is getting tired of his surroundings (although he may not even realize it) and been doing lots of thinking. He probably realizes that he had something good.

 

The way to approach this now is to be his friend. You can't treat him as a boyfriend when he's thousands of miles away and trying to do so will tear you apart. Try to treat him as a friend and you might be able to get sleep at night.

 

Just have faith and remember that whatever happens, happens for a reason. Sorry for the cliche, but people wouldn't say it if it weren't true.

[blueberrypie]

Thanks nicholas for reading a long post and respond to it.

I see your point. I'm trying to treat him as a friend, and I think I'm doing a good job at least as he sees it.

If it began to hurt me treating him as a friend, should I come clean and start NC again, this time let him know that I'm gonna do NC till I can truly be his friend? Or would it be suicidal? (It's not really hurting me yet, but I think it might happen soon.)

[Ms. Babydoll]

Let him know how you feel

[tangovito]

i think it could be that someone else is using the email id. sometimes we dont close the browser or log out properly or the browser remembers the id.

if he is not the guy then u gotta be really careful. sorry for scaring you but a lot of them cannot be trusted...i am into computing and it is just my 2 cents.

[aymee_lee]

I'd keep contacting him, and replying to his emails etc. But I would wait until he gets back to try and get back together.

 

I'd just be concerned that if you try and tell him now he might cut you off and then you'll be left with no way of contacting him and him thousands of miles away. At least now you can build up your friendship over the next few months and see what happens.

[blueberrypie]

thanks everyone for the comments.

Now I have two opposite opinions, so I'll sleep on it and wish that I would get more comments on the issue.

 

Ms.Babydoll: can you give me a reason why you gave that advice? Is that just what you believe in general, or you think it may be better in my case specially?

 

tangovito: I don't think that's a possibility. in all the emails, he talks about things only we would know. But thanks for your concern.

 

aymee_lee: I get your point. It makes sense. But at the same time, if it's not gonna happen then, wouldn't I be better off by finding out it now than later? Or do you think that telling him now may just reduce the change of us getting back together?

[nilli]

I would also advise you to wait until he gets back. It's only 3 months, right? It's not a great deal of time. Just enjoy the contact for now, see where it takes you. He may mention it to and then you can play it by ear.

 

In the meantime, go out and enjoy yourself.

 

If you do get back together now, you may feel more frustrated by the distance that is keeping you apart.

[aymee_lee]

Blueberrypie

 

I just think that if you try and find out now, he might be thinking 'I told her it was too hard with us being apart, and nothing's changed so why is she putting the pressure on?' And I always think it's nicer to have discussions like this face to face. But you know him better than most, so judge by what you think he would respond best to.

[blueberrypie]

Thanks for checking this and commenting on it again!

 

Blueberrypie

But you know him better than most, so judge by what you think he would respond best to.

 

This is true. But I don't think clearly when it comes to him. So it's nice to get other people's opinion.

[TheGetUpKid]

Im in a very similar situation right now. My ex and I broke up because she is studying abroad as well. Communication between us has been at a minimal (mainly because of me wanting to do NC). I decided to email her my feelings and that I couldnt settle for a friendship with her. She hasnt responded so we'll see....

 

Its really up to you if you should tell your ex how you feel. Like what some of the others have said, you know him the best. If you do decide to tell him, be prepared to receive a response you were not expecting or wanted to hear.

[blueberrypie]

TheGetUpKid: Thank you for your response. I think I'm prepared to receive a response I don't want to hear, what I'm not prepared is to receive no response. Because I may wait forever for his response.

Anyways, good luck with your girl. Keep me updated.

[blueberrypie]

So I decided just to stay friends with my ex. We are exchangine emails once or twice a week. Then last time, he sent me pics of him wearing underwear. It was pics taken at the rehearsal of the 'fashion show' he's participating. So it's not like he sent me half-naked pics of him to seduce me(some other guys in the pics are also half-naked.) But when I looked at the pics, I began to really miss him that it sort of hurt me. When all I looked at was texts, it didn't feel real. I imagined him saying whatever was in the emails, but I couldn't actually see him. But now he's just there--smiling and half-naked. He gained weight right before we broke up, but now he has such a good body, which doesn't help me getting over him. It actually brought up all the old feelings I had about him. So I think our little communications became dangerous to me. He's gonna come back to the States in two months and we will have chance to talk then. But would it ruin our friendship if I told him how those pics make me feel? Should I just wait till he comes back to talk about any feelings? Or now that it became a little bit dangerous I could tell him and let him know that pics like them are out of limit?

most of all, do you think it's possible that he sent those pics to show me how well he's doing there?

I hate this. But I become extremely stupid when it comes to my ex.

Please shed me some light, anyone!

[TheGetUpKid]

hey blueberrypie

Just a quick question (I think im a bit confused), do you want to get back together with your ex? As for the email, I guess it really depends if you are really pursuing a friendship with him. If you sent him an email telling him how you felt about him and the picture he had sent it might confuse him and also step over the boundry of "friendship".

[blueberrypie]

Thanks TGUK for responding to my post.

As for the friendship with my ex, I'm not really interested in friendship in the longterm. But while he's abroad, I thought staying friends is better than cutting him off. Or...was it dangerous thought?

[TheGetUpKid]

I guess friendship for the time being is okay. If you two broke up solely because he was studying abroad then I dont see any reason why you two couldnt get back together. Every person is different as well. If you can stand being only friends with your guy until he comes back from then I say do it. However I suggest to be careful of your emotions and sorta keep them in check and dont let them get out of hand. I may just be speaking from personal experience, and your situation may very well be different from mine.

 

Anyways I hope you figure things out and everything works for the best. Keep us updated too.

[blueberrypie]

TheGetUpKid: I didn't mention how the pics made me feel. I just kind of made a joke and said if he's gonna send me pics for the first time, shouldn't he send me at least one wearing more than underwear. He responded back saying the reason he sent me the pics of him wearing only underwear is because those were his only recent pics. Those with him wearing more than underwear are at least one or two months old. I still don't think this makes a lot of sense(he didn't need to send me any pics at all. It's not like I asked for his pics or anything.) but if that's how he's testing the water, so be it.

Since his last email doesn't have anything for me to reply, I'm trying not to respond, at least not immediately. I hope I could delay till Thanksgiving--I think a short Thanksgiving card wouldn't hurt anyone--if he doesn't contact me again. Actually, what I really hope is that he would contact me again before Thanksgiving without me sending him anything. But...knowing him as he is, I shouldn't hope that.

Sorry that it is so long. But now that I'm trying not to contact my ex, this is my only outlet. can you back me up here?