sara_0562 Posted September 25, 2006 Share Posted September 25, 2006 well my bf and I have been together for almost nine months. Im 20 hes 23. He lives in the states. I live in canada. I spent four months in the summer living with him and we really got to know eachother and fell in love. Heres the problem. I have had a hunch he was lieing about his past but always ignored my internal instinct. I snooped in hes email a while ago and didn;t find anything really bad. So i finally found out today and got him to admit that he did indeed lie about something in his past. He had told me he attended university for three years and lived with his gf who he met in classes. He said he went to school in california which is a far distance away from his family which lives in Oregon. The truth, which i just found out, is that he never went to university and never lived in California. He also never lived with his gf and met her online. He was living with his parent and attended community collage. i dont know what to do now. This lie to me is so big. Its a part of his life that i thought existed but doesn't. I love him and dont want to leave him but all trust is gone and i dont know if i can get over this. So should I leave him? Is this really a big deal or am i over reacting? Would this be a deal breaker for you? Thanks for reading ps. always trust your instinct its always right. and when you think you see red flags DONT IGNORE THEM, DONT BE STUPID LIKE ME Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CarnelianButterfly Posted September 25, 2006 Share Posted September 25, 2006 Trust is a big part of a relationship. This is a bad sign that he didn't trust you enough to tell the truth. For me I would always be wondering what else he had lied about, so it would be hard to ever trust him again. That said, I don't think you're over reacting, its something you really need to talk about with him and find out why he felt he needed to lie. You need to sit him down and get every thing out in the open. Then there might be a chance to rebuild, but you are the only one who can decide if you feel comfortable staying with someone you know has been dishonest. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angelhead Posted September 25, 2006 Share Posted September 25, 2006 If he lied about this, what else will he lie about? Why did he feel the need to build himself up... Would you have fell in love anyway? Lies are hard to get over, and these are big lies. You are young and surely can find someone who will respect a potential relationship without falsehood. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
friscodj Posted September 25, 2006 Share Posted September 25, 2006 If "all the trust is gone", how can you love him? Who is he? You don't really know him if you don't really trust him... If I were in this situation, I would first like to know why he lied. But then again, can you really trust anything he will say? This breaks down the communication and when that goes, the relationship usually closely follows suit. Aside from that, you did something dishonest too by snooping in his email. Don't let dishonest people bring you down like this, now or in the future... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
candy604 Posted September 25, 2006 Share Posted September 25, 2006 yeah who is he? if he can lie about this you don't know what else he can lie about. My sister dropped this guy she met b/c she found out he lied about this age and schooling, and job.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arwen Posted September 25, 2006 Share Posted September 25, 2006 My first guess would be that the truth was too embarrassing for him. That maybe he was afraid that telling you that he's lived with his parents for part of his adult life and did not attend uni or live with someone. But even if that would be the explanation, it is STILL a red flag. In that case, he prefers lying about a 'better' history over being true to you. I don't know if I could live with something huge like that. And being in LDR even makes things more difficult. About the snooping, I understand that you had a gut feeling, but I think you broke his privacy here. I think thereforeeee, the trust may be gone for both of you. Ilse Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sara_0562 Posted September 26, 2006 Author Share Posted September 26, 2006 thanks all he said he lied because he didn;t want to seem like a loser who attended collage. I am in university and going to be a doctor so i think he felt like he couldn;t compare. and living with his parents at 23 isn't something he was proud of. But i still dont think thats any reason to lie. I do feel like idont know him anymore. it was such a large chunk of his life that he lied about and ijsut dont know what to think. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arwen Posted September 26, 2006 Share Posted September 26, 2006 I can imagine that Sara. I think that once he's shown he's capable of lying to you about big things like these (no matter what his motive is), it is hard to believe him for everything else he tells you. In addition, he didn't trust you'd like him no matter what his background was. I think that is a sign of mistrust and huge insecurity issues. Maybe you need some time to figure it out. You are long distance, would it help to agree on just emailing for a while until you have a better idea of what you want out of this relationship? Ilse Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sara_0562 Posted September 26, 2006 Author Share Posted September 26, 2006 hey thanks for your advice. Ya i definitly feel like i need some time to think about things. But its so hard not to talk to him cause i miss him. I usually talk to him like 4 or 5 times a day and for like 2hours before we go to bed. We didn't talk for one whole day and when we fianlly spoke it seemed like we missed so much of eachothers lives i had so much to tell him. I just wish things could go back to the way they were but things will never be the same again..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
friscodj Posted September 27, 2006 Share Posted September 27, 2006 hey thanks for your advice. Ya i definitly feel like i need some time to think about things. But its so hard not to talk to him cause i miss him. I usually talk to him like 4 or 5 times a day and for like 2hours before we go to bed. We didn't talk for one whole day and when we fianlly spoke it seemed like we missed so much of eachothers lives i had so much to tell him. I just wish things could go back to the way they were but things will never be the same again..... You should be very wary of equating "missing him" with "since I feel so strongly now, we should be together." Many times I have been on the edge of emotional disaster, been eat away from the inside by the feelings you describe and just kept moving forward. In time, after those feelings subsided, I look back on the situation and feel glad I laid that one to rest and thought... what was I thinking????? Even people who are not good fits for us in relationships are missed...remember that through your journey through grief with this... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fallout Posted September 27, 2006 Share Posted September 27, 2006 Hmm I can understand how he felt about his status...he has insecurities but maybe instead of just leaving him like every1 says you could give him a second chance? Get him to tell you what else, if anything he lied to you about, then say I'm willing to give this a second chance and make sure he understands if he lies again it'll be over...and if you do go that route be certain he doesn't feel inferior to you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlueFire Posted September 28, 2006 Share Posted September 28, 2006 Men i general like to brag over their live [ no offence boys] but this is only 1 lie and in my personal knowledge not big enough to break the relation, my instinct would say talk to the guy and let him exactly explain why he lied, embarrising is a major deal with some guys....talk about it very good and make an desission....i guess if ya love the guy be happy with him and go on! Never regret. If it's good, it's wonderful. If it's bad, it's experience. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ruh_Roh Posted September 28, 2006 Share Posted September 28, 2006 Well, there Must have been something that he said or did at some point for you to have reason to question his credibility. Your natural female curiosity got the best of you, you're smart, and you found out stuff he would have rather you didn't know. I don't know the particulars of the computer security arrangements between you two, but if it was something so horrible that people would remember it 100 years from now, if you want to broach the subject with him, you'll have to admit you hacked into his CPU. Huh. It seems to be a quandary. The inconsistencies with the truth are significant. Your OP doesn't state your depth of involvement w/ the guy, you know, are you on some sexin dates, or is there a future? If you're not sure, try link removed it will give you a basic overview of the person you want to trust, but just lied to you... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
need2bme Posted September 30, 2006 Share Posted September 30, 2006 While I do believe "once a liar, always a liar", I know that people sometimes lie about things they think might embarrass them. I have a friend who doesn't lie to his GF, but does not tell her the truth. She thinks he has a degree and he does not. He clawed his way up in the company he is in (I actually hired him, before I got laid off) and he is now a Sr. Manager. He believes she would think less of him. So, why did your SO lie? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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