Confused and not sure how to move forward

[diverp]

I had been dating this girl for a little over a year. We were madly in love with each other. We had a few arguments back and forth and we split up about a couple of months ago. Well, the reason things went bad was that she was going through some serious bouts of depression and it really affected our relationship. I love her, but I had problems dealing with the repurcussions of her problem. She ended up starting to see a therapist and I think it is doing her good. I still love her, and I support her as much as I know how to. She was seriously depressed a couple of weeks ago and I felt like she was going through a really bad time. Now, we had only had casual contact for this time apart. In this time, someone else had shown interrest in my and I went out a couple of times for drinks and coffee, etc. Really harmless stuff. Now, here is the age old problem. I really love my ex. I would marry her in a heartbeat if her issue was at least partially resolved. I feel guilty for seeing someone else. I enjoy this other person because she is fun to be with and she makes me laugh. I had more in common with my ex, but we still find much more to talk about than me and my ex did.

 

Now, I feel like I should be supportive and not see this other girl. I feel like I am being a jerk for even thinking of seeing someone else right now, even if it is for only coffee and the like. I love my ex and I would love to have a happy life with her. I just don't know if my being around while she is getting counseling is good for that, if it is good for me of all people to be supportive, or if I need to keep distance and let her resolve her own issues and in the meantime, stay single and wait for her. I love her very much. Part of the problem is that she is a very private person and has difficulty opening up to people and has a hard time accepting me being there to help with her problem, and I can sort of understand that. However, she keeps showing extended periods of love and interrest for me. I just don't know what way to go that is best for her and for me.

 

Any advice?

[eclipse]

Diverp,

 

It sounds like you've done as much as you could with helping your ex. She is your EX though, and as much as you feel you can be friends and you want to be there for her, there is only so much you can do. It's her problem she is dealing with and if you can't help her then let her deal with it by herself. Hopefully you two can work something out as far as being friends or maybe if she works out all of her problems you two can become romantic again. For now, you said you have someone that you liked, then go for it! That's great! Who knows what can come of this, you are your own person and if this other person makes you feel good then you should really pursue the relationship and see where it goes. Just follow your heart.

[bleeder]

Hi Diverp,

 

BGRs would be much simpler if we all could close those chapters of the past and move on with our lives. This is something which I have been striving to achieve.

 

Past relationships should not be brought to the light of the present. This is just my personal opinion yah? What is gone, should be left as history. Admitted that feelings might still be inherent in some form, but we cannot really move on with our lives if those strings are somewhat attached. Firstly, it is hard on yourself, and worse off, even more unfair to your future partner. Hang ups like these are best avoided.

 

I cannot tell you not to feel for your ex, but if you are really serious about your new partner, maybe it's time to break those chains. Let's live our lives looking ahead and never looking back.

 

All the best...

[Seraph]

I actually went through a pretty similar scenario. Except for the fact that it was she who had found a new guy. I'm the guy left alone.

I still think about her alot. alot would actually be an understatement, unfortunately. But I'm moving on, don't worry. If there's one thing that's hard to accept, it's the fact that good things end. I wanted what was best for her. Hence, I told her how I felt about it. No guilt trips. No wild emotions. She had enough going on and I would only add to it if I reacted poorly.

So, I guess try to move on. Actually. I would first sit down and talk with her. See what the therapist had to say... and ask her what would be best for her and you. If she doesn't need someone by her side, by all means, move on. You've been totally amazing so far.

 

But on the other hand eclipse has a point too. But this is what I would do.

Best of luck.

[diverp]

Ok, it is a week later and a lot has happened. We hadn't seen each other for a few weeks and I wanted to make sure that she was doing alright. Well, I call her up and she really wants to see me. We get together for some dinner and talk about things. She has been going to this therapist recently. She is very depressed and has been before. SHe told me before that she had attempted suicide once about 12 years ago and she never sought any about that since. Well, we are sitting down yesterday and everything is fine, until she picks on some insignificant thing. That turned into this 2 hour discussion about how she was on the verge of attempting suicide that Sunday I called her. After this conversation, she was telling me that I have been her lifeline because even though she has been in relationships (lots)before, she was convinced that if nothing happened with me that she was definitely having problems. SHe told me that she considers herself a bad person who doesn't deserve to be happy. SHe tells me she has done terrible things in her past. SHe just broke down. I assured her that she does in fact deserve to be happy and that she is not a bad person. She has a lot going for her and I told her that she has a lot to be happy with if, she just needs to open her eyes and see it. I stayed with her on her couch last night because I was afraid of her being alone. I am still in love with her. But she is one extremely depressed woman and I don't think she is in any position to be in a relationship that will last right now. She assures me she will continue to see a therapist. I have told her that if we would have any chance in the future of a solid relationship, we need to be there for each other for support, but we shouldn't have a romantic relationship right now until she has had therapy. We brought up the possibility of going to couples therapy when the time is right. I just think I can offer her more by being a very supportive friend right now than trying to be her boyfriend. Sometimes she sees that is the smart way to go, but other times she get frustrated and thinks we should be spending more time. I just hope that she stays with therapy and that I can get accross to her that I am always there for her. I am always feeling a little cautious about things with her but I think this is the way to go.