Not Sure How To Continue Being Supportive

[DaDancingPsych]

My boyfriend of several months has returned back to grad school after his summer break. When I met him during the spring, he was in his second term and although working hard, he seemed to have time for me and much less stress. This term appears to be much worse. He hardly has time for me and when either of us visit the other on the weekends (we're about an hour apart), the majority of the time is spent studying/practicing (he's a musician.) I'm not the type of person who needs his every second (I understand that his education is much more important than spending time with me), but I'm certainly disappointed. However, I try to make the best out of it and enjoy what time I do get and spend the rest doing something productive for me.

 

When we do talk, he's very depressed/stressed about everything. He claims to always be behind in his studies (although I always see his nose in a book), he claims he wasn't prepared for another lesson, and he worries about finances. Today, he started a job at a local coffee shop and the thirty minutes that I got to talk to him (very late in the evening last night), he was complaining of being tired and still needing to prepare for a piano lesson and study more.

 

I really don't want to stress him out more, but this endless feeling of never doing enough is driving me crazy! I've tried being very positive and telling him "You can only do your best!" I've tried celebrating any positive things, like a good lesson. And even though he's upset that this job takes up too much time and doesn't pay enough, I've tried expressing how I think it's important (I do... someone has to serve the coffee, so why not let it be someone who is cheerful and does so with the feeling of importance.) I've also explained that this is an opportunity for a few hours to focus on something other than his studies, to interact with real humans, and to clear ones head!!! Plus, it should help take away the financial issues that have been stressing him out!

 

But playing cheerleader has finally gotten to me. I'm out of advice... if doing his best isn't going to be good enough for him, then I don't know what is! I feel like a hypocrite when I don't want to listen to him vent about his day (because I do the same from time to time, but I also try to share the good.) I'm just at a loss of how I can help... if that's even possible!

 

Any thoughts are appreciated!

[rose2summer]

DDP,

 

I categorize him as an unavailable man,

 

He is so enveloped in his studies,

 

That he isn't able to give your the nurturement you want,

 

I know how you feel, my ex was in medicine,

 

And he worked 140hrs/wk, and never had time for anything,

 

After awhile, you end up drifting away from the person,

 

But he is doing all he can and pursuing his goals,

 

So I think you should be as supportive as possible,

 

But try to take on some of your own hobbies in addition to what you already have,

 

So that your time away from each other isn't as speculative.

 

Hugs,

 

Rose

[CarnelianButterfly]

You don't need to give advice to be a cheerleader. Just be there to point out the good stuff and smile for him. You don't need to tell him anything more than he's doing his best. That's better support than telling him how to do things.

[DaDancingPsych]

You don't need to give advice to be a cheerleader. Just be there to point out the good stuff and smile for him. You don't need to tell him anything more than he's doing his best. That's better support than telling him how to do things.

 

You bring up a really good point! I'm such a problem solver sometimes and I want to heal everyone's pains, but I think this is a case where I can no longer to try to fix things or give him advice. I have nothing more to give and there comes a point where he has to be a big boy and either deal with life or find a way to improve it!

 

I suppose as challenging as it is, I do need to keep encouraging him. Maybe that's why he keeps returning to me, because I am willing to cheer him on.

 

I should also mention that I agree with the first advice given as well. I actually prepared for his return to school by adding more to my schedule this fall! However, I think he hit the burn-out point faster than I did!

 

Great advice from both of you... you made me think. Thank you!