Divorce after only 1 year?

[vasilli]

Hello friends,

 

I'm new to this forum. I don't know any of you, and perhaps it's for the better. I come here with a problem and I hope this is the right place to get some input.

 

In summary:

I'm 25, graduated from university 2 yrs ago and now working in IT. She's 23, just graduated this year. Still has another year of college courses and 2 yrs of Master's before she can start looking for a job. I have been with my wife for 3 yrs, married for 1. We both think we're not happy in this relationship and considering separation/divorce. But we're also not sure if it's wise to throw out 3 yrs of our lives together. After all, we do have a lot in common and we don't hate each other.

 

I'll give you some background info. We've been seeing each other for 3 yrs, married for 1. When I first met her I didn't really find her very attractive. But I decided that since I don't have a gf atm, why not go for it. Later I noticed that she was quite pretty when she puts on a dress and lets her hair out. I go to know her and I really liked her. Don't get me wrong, she's pretty an all and I like her in many ways, but I just don't think she's the queen of hotness (by my standards).

 

We moved in together pretty quickly and our relationship advanced fast. We have tons of things in common, I feel completely relaxed w/ her, completely myself, not trying to pretend anything. The communication is great and we understand each other quite well. We decided we should marry. I thought I loved her, but there was always a thought lingering in my head that I might NOT. I didn't/don't know what true love feels like so I can't be absolutely sure whether my feelings were 'love'. We got married and things haven't been going all that well for the past year. Nothing big really happened, but it just feels that we're not as close to each other as before. The relationship isn't as warm and feelings of negativity are in the air.

 

Once, under the influence, I told her that I don't love her! That was as much of a shock to her as it was to me. It kinda blew over leaving a little scar on both of us. It happened AGAIN, a few months ago, under the same circumstances!

 

I started thinking that perhaps what I have told her under the influence is really how I feel but was never able to figure out (to really look deep inside me) sober. Just last week she told me that she thought hard about it and she thinks that I was right. I don't love her the way she wants to be loved. She wants a more caring relationship, more romance. That is not to say I don't care about her.. but something just isn't there.

 

She said it might be best if we separated...

 

Now I'm in complete panic. I'm scared, lost, totally clueless about what to do. I'm not even sure what I want. On one hand I do love her... I think. Perhaps not so much romantically but a true love of a friend (well, perhaps that's the problem, she doesn't wanna be loved as a friend). I care for her.

I wish her all the best. I'm comfortable with the fact that I'm "set", having a wife and a family means comfort and stability. We have so much history together, went to so many places and did so many things I can't even imagine being happy with somebody else.

 

On the other hand there IS some merit to what I told her (twice). Deep inside I'm not QUITE satisfied w/ my life and her. Yes, she's good and all, but not perfect. Something isn't complete that's preventing me from being happy. I have to listen to myself as well, and the fact that I told me WIFE that I DON'T LOVE her... TWICE... MUST mean something. Perhaps it WOULD be best for me to get separated and look for somebody else.

 

There are a few reasons that I think might be the cause of my unsatisfaction.

 

1. She doesn't have the idea body and looks (which are important for me) and doesn't quite posess the character I would IDEALLY like. BUT, she's SO close it's scary.

 

2. For the past 3 yrs I have been supporting us both. I'm working and she's still in school and will be for a while more. I may be blaming her on the fact that I'm not able to have the life that I want (vacations, cars, parties) b/c I have to support us both.

 

3. I immigrated to Canada when I was 13 and spent all my adolescence alone w/ no friends or girlfriends. So, I missed all this dating, sex and parties age. I feel that I lack it still, and perhaps don't appreciate the truly beautiful qualities of my wife b/c I still wanna "play".

 

But if I look at the reality of the situation, what are the chances of finding somebody better? Slim to none. I don't wanna go through all this dating game again (not that I ever had, I only had 3 gf's in my life). I don't even know how to properly pick up a girl. Should I stick w/ something that's 'good enough'? I may be confusing my feelings for her w/ being scared to be alone in this world. How to distinguish these?

 

I also have to think about HER. She also admitted that I'm not her ideal mate. But we decided that we like most things in each other and we were willing to live w/ it. She said that she wants a more stimulating conversational partner, somebody who reads books and is interested in music and literature. I, personally, am not that person. I would prefer to go travel in the deep jungle of Amazon then visit Europe. I would prefer to go for a hike in the mountains than read a good book.

 

I don't know if all of this makes sense to you. I tried describing the situation as honestly as I can.

 

Should I hold on to her and make her stay? Try to have a 'good enough' life together. We could realize we're REALLY unhappy when we're 30, but than it would be too late to find another partner.

 

Should I let her go and hope, just hope, that she will find somebody who will be a better match for her? Hope that I too, with time, might meet a better girl? B/c if we don't leave each other, we'll never know. But what we have right now is SO close to perfect, I'm really afraid letting her go would be the biggest mistake of my life.

 

I KNOW with my HEAD that's she's an angel in all respects and I LOVE her w/ my logic... but not my heart! Why? How? Did five years of mathematics completely rewire my brain and killed any hope of romance and love?

 

I love her parents. They adore me. Mine love my wife. All my friends think we're the greatest couple.

 

Another problem is that during these 3 years together I've ALWAYS been together w/ her. I seemed to have lost MYSELF. I almost never go out w/ my friends alone. I feel that I don't even know how to be MYSELF w/o her.

That's quite bad, but is not necessarily connected to her. It could be just for that fact that I have preferred to always be w/ my wife (b/c I enjoy that). So, for this problem, leaving her isn't necessarily the only option.

I could just get out more myself and have a life of my own. She can do the same, and perhaps that might fix things up.

 

She's suggesting to get a separation for now and live alone for some time. Maybe date other ppl and see what it's like. Perhaps living alone will make her realize that real life isn't a romantic fairytale and things that she expects from me don't go too well together w/ a 9-5 job. Maybe she'll appreciate me more? And if I see what "else" is out there I'll realize that what I already have is gold?

 

At this point I'm not adding anything constructive to the description of the situation. If you've read the whole thing, bravo.. go take a coffee break. i would appreciate your thoughts when you come back!

 

And for all you ppl out there:

"Don't be sad because it's over. Be happy because it happened!" © Anon

 

Cheers.

[SeaBisquit]

you like her but you don't love her. you also care about her alot but it's not love. marriage is about loving each other and spending and building a future together without love you have nothing but a friendship.

[hazlcha]

Hi, welcome to the board. That's a long post you wrote, very thoughtful and considered. You have a strong self-awareness, which is a great advantage in dealing with your situation.

 

I want to start by saying that I know your situation. I'm not married, but in a relationship with a fantastic girl who I like a lot but don't know if I could honestly say "love" to. She's bright, talented, but slightly overweight (it's improving, though). The downers for me are that, and that I always wanted a girl with a sharp sense of humor. She is sweetness personified, which makes me feel that I know she's a "find" and I'd be a fool to let her go. But...

 

So I'm there with you, friend.

 

The difference is that you've felt strongly enough to get married. That's big, it's not like just dating. You had the ability to commit to "have and to hold." So I think there's a lot more feeling than you are admitting. I wouldn't assume that the things you said when drunk reflect your true feelings, because feelings are layered and complicated. The drunken you may be simply saying "I want to party, I feel left out of that."

 

Oh, and that's my story too, never having had that college party experience.

 

Another thing I've learned is that every couple - with maybe one exception in a thousand - experiences serious doubts about their marriage in the first year or so. It's almost hardwired into the system. A great book to read is "Getting the Love You Want" by Harville Hendrix. While it may not be the last word on the subject, I think there are good insights to be had there.

 

No one can tell you what to do, and there may not be an objective right or wrong. Separation and dating other people while still married does not seem to me a good idea, though. I liked what you said about finding ways to be yur own person within the relationship. That resonated with me because very often these doubts have more to do with the doubter than the partner.

 

These are all thoughts I had as I read your post. I think it would help you to not make a hasty decision, and to enlist the help of a good marriage counselor. There is no shame in that. These are important things, why go it alone?

 

Just some ideas. I hope you find your way to peace.

[flower99]

Part of it sounds like you both settled.

BUT part of it sounds like you are simply missing the party life & dreaming of something more..Not quite happy with your life, not just her, but also not happy with yourself.. .

You say you spend so much time with her that you feel you have lost yourself. That could be a HUGE problem right there. Maybe finding yourself & your passions might help matters...if that doesn't work, A seperation might open both your eyes & might clear up any questions you two have....Or create more problems.

 

One thing I was told by a marriage Counselor, is "when you think you aren't in love anymore. ACT it out. Play the part for a few weeks (just pretend..do little things, look at them, touch them...like you are in love with them) it brings out another side in your partner....which rekindles the love that was lost...and soon you won't be pretending anymore"

wish you the best & welcome to enotalone

[flower99]

Totally agree with Hazlcha...Great words of advice....especially when he addresses what you said when you were drunk

[drum4god]

Vasilli,

 

I feel for you, but Dude what are you expecting. When you said your vows (provided they were traditional vows) you said for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness in health. If you disect that, it means you love her when you don't feel the butterflies, when things are rough, when things are inconvient, when she doesn't look like a playboy model.

 

Please don't take this the wrong way, but it seems you have a shallow, and selfish view of marriage. It seems like you base your love on how she looks, or how you feel that moment. You say you are not sure if you love her, but Love is a choice, its not a feeling. Either you do, or you don't. Its your choice. You made that choice when you decided to marry her, if you didn't why don't you make a decision to start. I believe if you make a choice to love her, things may change. Why are you focusing on what is wrong? Focus on what is right. Focus on her good qualities. You said she is pretty, you have alot in common, you communicate well. What do you want? Do you think a hot piece of * * * * * will make things better. Maybe it will for awhile, but trust me, you will regret it later on. Its too bad people don't take divorce seriously. The problem today, is the minute someone feels unhappy they give up, and get a divorce. I am not saying there aren't cases for divorce, but I sense people don't even try anymore. It all about themselves. Its sad.

 

Seriously, I understand your are going through a rough time, but do your best to work it out. Don't take your wife for granted. She isn't perfect, but neither are you.

 

My girlfriend of a year, was going through something similiar, and she was questioning our relatoinship. I believed she loved me, but was allowing negative thoughts (that we all get) to confuse her. I asked her to use the next month to just focus on my positive traits. I also asked her, to focus on making me happy. That didn't mean if something bothered her, she shouldn't say it, but I asked her to do her best to focus on my strenghts for a month, and journal them. Can I tell you, she has been happier than ever. She told me the other day, she is so happy, and loves me. She also told me, she is so happy I didn't give up on her.

 

Why don't you do the same. For one month, just focus on making your wife happy. I mean this. Try it. Tell her she looks beautiful. Make love to her, like she is Jessica Alba, do everything you think she would like. Is it going to be hard, maybe it will, but I believe it may create a spark you need.

 

Dude, don't give up. Its seems like you have a good women. Trust me, they don't grow on trees. Marriage is work, but its worth it. Try putting a little more elbow grease into your marriage, and perhaps things will change. If they don't then try counceling.

 

Just my 2 cents.

 

You can keep the change.

 

God Bless!

 

Drum

[flower99]

I love your 2 cents Drum4God

[vasilli]

Thanks for the support, guys. It's reassuring that you think there is hope yet.

[talo]

Welcome Vasilli.

 

We moved in together pretty quickly and our relationship advanced fast. We have tons of things in common, I feel completely relaxed w/ her, completely myself, not trying to pretend anything. The communication is great and we understand each other quite well. We decided we should marry. I thought I loved her, but there was always a thought lingering in my head that I might NOT. I didn't/don't know what true love feels like so I can't be absolutely sure whether my feelings were 'love'. We got married and things haven't been going all that well for the past year. Nothing big really happened, but it just feels that we're not as close to each other as before. The relationship isn't as warm and feelings of negativity are in the air.

 

One does not really know what love is in the sense that it can be described. It could be described as 'in the air'; just as a fish live 'in water'; we live 'in the air'.

 

Love appears to change as we go through life. We appear to be in it, out of it, feeling it, not feeling it, obsessed by it, not obsessed by it, positive about it, negative about it..... but these are just thoughts about love, and love cannot really be thought about.

 

Now I'm in complete panic. I'm scared, lost, totally clueless about what to do. I'm not even sure what I want. On one hand I do love her... I think. Perhaps not so much romantically but a true love of a friend (well, perhaps that's the problem, she doesn't wanna be loved as a friend). I care for her.

I wish her all the best. I'm comfortable with the fact that I'm "set", having a wife and a family means comfort and stability. We have so much history together, went to so many places and did so many things I can't even imagine being happy with somebody else.

Not being sure what you want is a good sign. It is a sign that you are opening to further understanding. Love, for you, appears to be changing from more of a romantivc love to a friendly love, an appreciative love; and your wife is resistent to this, this appreciative love. Resisting love as it appears to be changing is not appreciating love.

 

On the other hand there IS some merit to what I told her (twice). Deep inside I'm not QUITE satisfied w/ my life and her. Yes, she's good and all, but not perfect. Something isn't complete that's preventing me from being happy. I have to listen to myself as well, and the fact that I told me WIFE that I DON'T LOVE her... TWICE... MUST mean something. Perhaps it WOULD be best for me to get separated and look for somebody else.

 

Not being quite satisfied is imagining (thinking) that there is 'someone else' (a thought construct) that is perfect. What is perfect is what is believed (thought to be) perfect. Perfection only exists in the mind.

 

The thing that is not complete is your thinking. Complete thinking is the end of thinking. Nothing is preventing you being happy other than your thinking. Telling your wife you don't love her means that you do not love her in the way you used too. You now love her a different way. What would be best for you is what you think would be best for you. What is best is always what is thought best. There is no absolute best.

 

There are a few reasons that I think might be the cause of my unsatisfaction.

 

One is always the cause of ones dissatisfaction.

 

Should I let her go and hope, just hope, that she will find somebody who will be a better match for her? Hope that I too, with time, might meet a better girl? B/c if we don't leave each other, we'll never know. But what we have right now is SO close to perfect, I'm really afraid letting her go would be the biggest mistake of my life.

 

Hope is thinking that there is something better. What is better is only what is thought to be better; not what is actually better. As seen here, what is actually better is what is actual.

 

I KNOW with my HEAD that's she's an angel in all respects and I LOVE her w/ my logic... but not my heart! Why? How? Did five years of mathematics completely rewire my brain and killed any hope of romance and love?

 

If you think your wife is an angel, that she is all good, then you are mistaken. No one is all good. What you love is an ideal. Ideal love is romantic love, not appreciative love. Appreciative love appreciates the difference between the loves of the head and the heart. Head love is ideal. Heart love is actual. Heart love loves what is actual, not what is ideal. Heart love appreciates what is actual. At heart there is no difference between what is loved and what is not loved.

 

Love takes us on this journey to the heart.

 

Best wishes with your journey,

[whoops]

you married your friend - not a good thing to do. You need to take a break and do the things you want to you are young and have only one life - you have no children - i cant understand how can you marry someone you dont find attractive? It is hard but it is your life you dont seem like you know who you are and if you carry on you spoil her life too and yours by being more miserable - your words to say i dont love you are hurtful to her and she is young this can affect anyone but at her age more so - you must break for a period -

[savannahohsavannah]

At the risk of being unkind, you have been very honest about your feelings, but what they show is still some immaturity and inexperience. I think you need to get into counseling to straighten this all out. You should also stop drinking right away. It seems to me that you are using it as a crutch to express how you are feeling to her, and she probably experiences that as hurtful and abusive. I'm guessing that's a big part of the reason she wants to leave you.

#1: Get into counseling, not as a couple especially, but simply for you.

#2: Quit drinking.

#3: Take a good look in the mirror before you start judging her by her looks. Are you Nick Lachey? I can guess not.