Working through Relationship Anxiety - Stories and Advice

[butterbean0619]

@abydab

 

I know EXACTLY what you mean. I feel like sometimes I torture myself with doubt about him and what I feel. Same thing with the University thing. My first semester has been really rough and has lead to a lot of problem tackling. This thread has helped me a lot and you are definatly not alone! I relate to almost everything you've said!

[mhynothappy]

This has pretty much been killing me the last 3 days.

 

I've been dating this amazing, funny, sweet guy for almost 7 months now, and while he's always kind of made me anxious (I'd worry when he texted a girl, or didn't immediately respond to make texts) I was really really happy. We connect emotionally, physically- all that good stuff. Then the other night I confronted him about an anxiety I was having and while the conversation should have calmed any stupid anxiety I was having, it just lead me to the thought: "If we broke up, my anxiety would just go away..."

 

I've been feeling nothing but guilt and fear since having that thought. My one other relationship I had at 16 ended exactly the same way, he made me feel really anxious and I honestly didn't care about him that much, so we broke up and I immediately felt better.

 

The issue is I really REALLY like my current boyfriend, we're awesome together and the fact that my anxiety has come back is absolutely devastating. I want to avoid breaking up with him at all possible costs. I've analyzed the situation a million times and once I feel I'm finally calm and things are back to normal- the same empty, haunting, sickening anxiety feeling comes creeping back.

 

Unlike most of the people on here, I'm not afraid of my significant other cheating on me or leaving me- that returning anxiety would actually make me feel better in a weird way. My fear is that I'll leave him. That somehow my fear and guilt of considering leaving him will make me leave him. This sounds ridiculous...

[butterbean0619]

@mhynothappy

 

Don't worry about sounding ridiculous! It's not. It's a fear, and you're not by any definition alone.

 

Anxiety like that is scary and knowing what's going to happen is impossible. No matter how many times the situation is analyized, a definate answer is still not going to be totally cemented down. I hate it when that feeling comes around just when you think you're finally at a point where the emotions have been sedated. (i've been there ).

 

I guess my advice is subjective and may not work (and I am by no means discrediting any feelings you have), but something that has worked for me is maybe taking like ten minutes; before you go to sleep, during a break, or even on a quick walk; and just thinking over and over it's going to be okay. Let yourself coach your thoughts into becoming more positive. Take each worry you have one at a time and decide whether you can control it or if you just have to hold on and let it go on.

 

With your biggest worry, if you really like him and want to be with him, that should be all the answer. I know it hard and can get to feel like torture, but sometimes we have thoughts that after we think them, we offend ourself. Your thought is normal. I have had thoughts and what-ifs that kill me about, "if break up with him, i could find some one perfect for me who will do this." or, "if I break up with him, he'll be happier because i am just too much". Yes, i was frustrated with myself afterwards, but got a little bit of help and mustered up the courage to take on my thoughts and figure out what i really want. And, i chose my boyfriend. I love him more than anything and I have ruined our relationship once because of my anxiety. But, now that i have figured it out and have come to terms with it, it has actually gotten better.

 

Sorry this is so long, but i would really like to help I am also sorry if this doesn't help. Thought i'd give it a shot. If there's anything more you need help with, just let me know.

[capuccino83]

I also suffer from relationship anxiety, although before I read this thread, I didn't realize what it was called. I just thought it was me acting insane

 

I think that one of the reasons my ex and I broke up was because of my anxiety. When he didn't call me while traveling or was busy, I would cry myself to sleep because he didn't want to be with me. As a result, I would always act a little distant and never be fully emotionally available.

 

I'm dating a new guy now that I've gotten it under control slightly better. As I'm starting to like him more and more, I start to question what he sees in me, if we're really right for each other, etc. The anxiety is really a mood killer. What has helped me keep it under control this time around is:

 

1. maintaining my independence through small "rebellious" actions. They are really harmless, but they make me feel like I'm asserting my independence and calm my anxiety. Some of the thing I do is sometimes at night if I start to get anxiety and my bf is sleeping over, I'll sneak out on the couch. Since I don't live with him, I should be using that time to be next to him, but I'm not. I just tell him I couldn't sleep at night or the bed was uncomfortable.

 

2. I keep a running list of all the qualities that I have to offer in a relationship. I make sure to go through it every few days, and keep adding to it when I have new ideas.

 

3. Unless necessary, I try to avoid situations where I hear about relationships failing (stay away from the break-up forum) and always try to engage people in happy relationships about conversation on how they met each other, how long they've been together, etc. If feel like lasting relationships are the norm, then I feel like mine has a better chance of working out.

 

4. I save special text messages and emails from my bf, and if the anxiety gets strong that he doesn't like me, I go through those to show myself evidence to the countrary.

 

5. Like someone else had said, I try to take out a dedicated 10-15 min, daily if possible, to remind myself that I am working towards and developing an X, Y and Z relationship with whoever (add whatever qualities you want).

 

6. Finally, just getting the self control to say NO to catastrophic thinking.

 

Another irrational thought that I have is that if I talk about things, they will disappear or not happen. Still trying to deal with that one.

[qbicle]

Wow, this thread was a truly interesting read and I can relate to many of the stories here. I also want to share my story with you.

 

I'm currently 23 years old. I used to suffer from terrible relationship anxiety ever since I first started dating around 10 years back. Whenever I would meet a great girl and the relationship would start to get serious, I began to question my feelings for her. My initial anxiety was often triggered by something relatively small that the girl said (or did), e.g. "I don't know anyone who suits me better than you do" or "you make me happier than I have been in a long time". Afterward I started to over-analyze everything in the relationship, which resulted in me getting more anxious all the time. Talking with my girlfriend about my feelings suppressed the anxiety for a while, but it would always come back even stronger after some time had passed. Being away from the girlfriend also helped, but you can't really have a functional relationship if one person does not want to hear from the other at all for weeks. Thus in the end all my relationships ended with me leaving the girl, as I couldn't e.g. sleep well and kept worrying about the relationship and about my anxiety all the time. I have never had any trouble attracting girls, so tens of great girls would end up getting hurt. I also earned a reputation of being a heartbreaker during the years, something that I really despised.

 

A few years back I made a promise to myself to overcome my relationship anxiety. Little by little I forced myself to suppress anxious feelings with positive thoughts whenever they began to surface. I also began to see a therapist, which helped me to understand probable causes for my anxiety (e.g. I was bullied very much when I was in the kindergarten and in the preliminary school). During this period, I also met my first true love who I dated for over two years, and she was very supportive for me when I told her about my previous experiences with relationship anxiety. There was a time when I became anxious, but with her and the therapist's support the anxiety phase in this relationship was over in around 1 month. It was very relieving to know that I can love and be in a serious long-term relationship without ruining it with my anxiety. We eventually split up about three years ago, when she moved abroad for her university degree and I didn't want to leave the country. I knew that she would move abroad for university from day 1 since we began dating, so I had time to adjust to the change while we were still together.

 

After two years of non-serious dating, I met this very wonderful, beautiful and intelligent girl last spring. We took it slow but developed genuine feelings for each other quite quickly. It was no wonder, because everything was passionate, we had no fights ever, we communicated openly about everything, and the sex was mind-blowing. Both mine and her friends and family thought that we were the perfect couple. Actually I have never been happier in my life than when I started seeing her.

 

Then came December. We had been dating about 8 months now. After a very romantic and passionate weekend getaway, all of a sudden she seemed very distant and unwilling to express her feelings or share her thoughts with me. When I confronted her about it after a week of being kept in the dark, she started crying and confessed that she had begun to experience very bad anxiety over the relationship that we were having. She couldn't understand what caused her anxiety to surface so rapidly and unexpectedly (she had never experienced any relationship anxiety whatsoever), and said that she was afraid that I would leave her for not being "the perfect girlfriend" all the time, or that she would leave me because the anxiety would overwhelm her otherwise.

 

We talked all evening and all night about the situation and relationship anxiety in general. I also told her about my previous experiences with relationship anxiety. Because I knew what helped me to get better, I suggested that we should take a break during which she would have time to be completely by herself without being compelled to contact me (or otherwise). She also promised e.g. to visit a therapist. We parted our ways in the morning after we had agreed that she would contact me when she was feeling better or alternatively at the beginning of February, so we can reanalyze the situation. Of course no contact hurt, especially during Christmas and New Year, as all friends and relatives were bombing with their questions, but I think it was a necessary step to help her to overcome the anxiety.

 

It's been about 3 weeks since our break began and she called me yesterday to say that her anxiety is almost completely gone and that she misses me more than anything she has ever missed in the world. We talked for over 2 hours to catch up, but agreed still to give it a week of no contact before we actually meet face-to-face. To be honest I'm very surprised how I have handled the situation so far, because I have been very relaxed all this time. Perhaps it's because I have grown so much as a person or because it was relieving to know that I'm not the only one who has experienced anxiety issues with relationships (and I also know that the issues can be solved). Who knows. Anyway, I'm really looking forward to seeing her next week. We'll see how it turns out: I'm hoping for the best but preparing for the worst.

[KMEMN1]

I posted on this thread once a while ago looking to see if anyone had found answers - I'm glad it's grown since then.

 

I started seeing a therapist regarding my anxiety and doubts. (I think maybe my doubts are causing the anxiety?)

 

I find that I spend SO MUCH TIME analyzing my relationship. Is it good? Is it ACTUALLY good? Do I REALLY like him? Do I like him ENOUGH? etc. There are just NO ANSWERS to any of this - isn't that what we're all really dealing with? Not having answers??

 

 

Tonight at the library I picked up a book about relationships. I started reading it and quickly grew anxious because I started comparing my relationship to what they were describing. Maybe this relationship that I THOUGHT was so good, really isn't! Maybe that's why I'm anxious. (then I saw the OPs comment that she broke it off because the relationship was bad and it was causing the anxiety!! - DIDN'T HELP!)

 

My Dr. had me do a cost/benefit analysis about my BF - what I liked and didn't like about him and the positives were much greater. I feel like I was lying to myself or something. Like i was holding back on all the horrible things I hate about my BF.

 

 

I feel like I look at the world through a very negative lens and I just don't know how to change it.

[Batya33]

I went through this with an ex boyfriend and we had a 7 year rollercoaster r'ship mostly with my leaving and coming back, sometimes with him getting exasperated and leaving or threatening to leave. It wasn't until we had no contact for months - I think it was three- after a "final" break up that the reason why it wasn't working clicked for me -and it took a mutual friend saying something quite casual about him - not in the context of trying to analyze him with me or analyze "the relationship" -it was her observation as his platonic friend. And all of a sudden - lightbulb moment that told me I'd been trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. It explained why I didn't feel comfy and at home with him enough. There had been other lightbulb moments-mostly having to do with "is the chemistry right?" but I guess I hadn't spent enough time without him to have things really click. And when I reconnected with my now husband it really clicked because I had the comfortable, at peace, being myself feeling that was lacking enough -and that's the point -those shades of gray really triggertheanxiety- because I'd have periods of time where I did feel comfy but then that would dissipate and make me even more anxious.

 

Was I doubt free with my husband? Nope and I bet he had some doubts too but not enough to trigger those panic/anxiety feelings that couldn't be quickly overcome by how right we are together. Did I worry when I felt doubts or even anxious? No because again it's about balance-we're human, we're going to have our moments -but if in general you'rein a solid, centered, comfortable place (with yourself as well!) those moments are just moments and don't overwhelm. Just my personal experience.

[orchidrose]

I think this is true. I've found that anxiety gets overwhelming when I'm in relationships or situations that are truly not right for me. When I first started dating my last boyfriend, I was completely fine - I felt calm and at peace and even with the rush of a new romance, I felt grounded and okay with whatever would happen. It's when he started to pull away that the anxiety flooded back, and for good reason; his behavior was completely unacceptable and I was realizing that he wasn't right for me, at least not in the long-term.

 

Same with my LT ex; when we were good, we were great; the second that I felt uncomfortable was the second that things were on their way to ending, and not because of my anxiety.

[KMEMN1]

Batya & Orchid - those are the sort of comments that send me into high anxiety. Maybe not because I DO think there are things wrong with my relationship - but because I don't KNOW if there are. Like the idea that there might be is more concerning to me than if there were - at least that way I'd have an answer that I could fix or leave.

 

Can I ask what was "wrong" with the relationships you're describing??

[orchidrose]

Batya & Orchid - those are the sort of comments that send me into high anxiety. Maybe not because I DO think there are things wrong with my relationship - but because I don't KNOW if there are. Like the idea that there might be is more concerning to me than if there were - at least that way I'd have an answer that I could fix or leave.

 

Can I ask what was "wrong" with the relationships you're describing??

 

For me, it was pretty clear when things were "wrong"; my anxiety showed up when I began to ignore those signs. For example, I dated a guy who was extremely attached to his ex. I'm not talking just friends, I'm talking he spoke to her more than he spoke to me, let her stay at his place when she was to drunk to get home, has a martyr complex about her and took off work once to take her to the hospital. I met her on our third date. Third date! And she spent most of it trying to get his attention and make him ignore me.

 

My anxiety went into overdrive when I stopped seeing those signs for what they were and started trying to ignore them. Same with the guy I've been seeing. My anxiety got the best of me when I lied to myself and said it was okay that he didn't want a relationship. As the warning signs built up, I just got more and more anxious and more and more in denial.

[Batya33]

Batya & Orchid - those are the sort of comments that send me into high anxiety. Maybe not because I DO think there are things wrong with my relationship - but because I don't KNOW if there are. Like the idea that there might be is more concerning to me than if there were - at least that way I'd have an answer that I could fix or leave.

 

Can I ask what was "wrong" with the relationships you're describing??

 

I had those same kinds of vicious cycle feelings - either I was anxious about the relationship or worried that I was going to get anxious and on and on - I drove myself and my friends/family crazy. And if I tell you what was wrong it likely will have no relevance to you or your situation. What was wrong in my particular situation was that I did not find him responsive enough when we talked - I'd have to do his side of the conversation (and I did- as a joke -but to show him what it was like) -he rarely asked follow up questions when I shared stuff with him and I often got anxious about going to dinner with him -was scared about running out of things to say. We had one longer vacation where the conversation was wonderful -it just flowed, we had comfortable silences -too often I felt our silences were uncomfortable -like he didn't want to talk to me or like we had nothing to say to each other despite having tons in common. I love comfortable silences so that wasn't my issue. He married a talkative, bubbly woman (so am I) and they seem happy together.

 

Again this is so specific and I found when I asked for input from friends it often made me more confused and anxious especially since he was -and is -a wonderful person who should have been right for me.

[KMEMN1]

"And if I tell you what was wrong it likely will have no relevance to you or your situation."

 

I guess the reason I ask was so I could difinitively say "We don't have that problem, we're still ok." And bring my anxiety down.

 

In your first post you talked about not feeling "at home" or comfortable with him. Thankfully my situation is the opposite - I'm not sure I've EVER felt more comfortable and "at home" with someone as I do with him!

 

Thank you guys for sharing!

[Batya33]

Well crossing the potential problem off the list is just a bandaid-when you're in that cycle of anxiety you'll find some other problem to worry about- so my suggestion is that when you're feeling calm and centered let yourself feel what you feel (I suggest yoga to help this along) and wait for the aha moment -not when you're tight and anxious though.

 

That's great that you feel at home with him -is it possible that you feel bored and worry about that?

[jon13]

I made an account in this website upon seeing this thread

 

now that being said,

 

I can totally relate to everyone in this thread....right now i am going out with the most amazing girl in the world, she is great, she has high morals, kind, considerate etc. etc.. ...but everytime i always i have this creeping anxiety that she will leave me...a fear that i am not good enough for her...(i am a kind of stay at home guy and shes kinda an outgoing girl) and its driving me NUTS.... she is a very trusting girl but why cant my brain trust her....i hate this feeling i really hate it...she trusts me a lot but my anxiety causes me to not trust her...i ahve something most people will be jealous of... but i cant quite grasp why i always think that i am not good enough for her...

[looking1]

Hi Shiraz,

I actually went and joined this forum just to reply to your thread as I had the same experience as you, almost identical. I had normal relationships in my teens up until one man I was totally in love with, when one day literally my feelings just changed, I freaked out and went on a journey of questioning what had gone wrong, questioning my sexuality ect just like you! I felt extreme anxiety when i was around him and just had to end the relationship, I was left feeling very confused and anxious of any new relationships in case the same thing happened again. Anyways over the years any time i have entered a new relationship i get fear, anxiety and doubt ect... I generally sabotage the relationship as I feel that the axiety is wearing me down. I have noticed that I am very anxious if i feel that they are going to break up with me, if i dont hear from them for a few days ect, however if everthing is good, i worry that i dont like them anymore, wont fall in love with them, will end up hurting them ect... its a vicious circle. I did some counselling a few years back and was told to invite the feelings of anxiety which can really help as it is the fear of them that keeps it alive. I have currently just ended another relationship because of my fears and I am feeling quite sad bout it as i feel that i let my anxiety win again! I really wish there was an answer or some kind of help for people like us as generally nobody I know has a clue what this feels like! Also I think that we put alot of pressure on ourselves to make the relationship work ect and maybe that adds to the anxiety!

[Cyberchick]

It is possible that you may have something called Relationship Substantiated OCD. I have that, I was diagnosed with it about 6 years ago. It is a kind of Pure Obsessional OCD, wehre you obsess about the relationship and whether it's right, and feel anxiety over it. then you perform different mental rituals to relieve the anxiety. THere is an article called "I Think It Moved" by Dr. Phillipson, look it up online. It will give you some more insight into it. This may not be normal relationship doubts, this could be something more serious. And as of right now, before you know for sure, don't buy the logic that if you have doubts, the relationship is not right, or that the anxiety is trying to tell you the relationship is wrong. When you have OCD, the least little thing will trigger your anxiety. Your amygdala might be misfiring, making it impossible to know what is right or wrong. I say go to an OCD specialist and get diagnosed.

[Cyberchick]

KMEMN1, until you get diagnosed with OCD, I would recommend staying off the boards, trying to find answers to whether your anxiety is normal, or asking for any kind of reassurance. This is a compulsive behavior designed to relieve your anxiety, and it just feeds the monster. If you want, you can go to link removed, lots of people on there who suffer from ROCD.

[Aether]

I think this is what I experienced in my last relationship, I have always been a worrier and put it down to that. I moved to his country...2 months after getting together (online), someone else mentioned earlier in the thread that they noticed a pattern with a lot of us, that the relationship started very fast, I was also wondering if this could be a factor?

 

I felt that he didn't care as much after I moved there which ended up snowballing, I didn't feel good enough for him, he has a university education, I don't, he's a professional as are all this friends, I'm not..put together with being in a new country/culture/ with a different language and I think maybe I never had a hope? He would mention my negativity which I just thought was the norm for someone going through such a big change, I thought these things would pass, but they just seemed to get worse, I ended up feeling like I was just waiting for him to dump me, that his mother didn't like me, that I just didn't belong.

 

After being dumped in Dec and coming back to own country it has slapped me so hard and made me realise that in a way I had possible helped sabotage the relationship, I have no once felt relief from being back here...only regret for not trying to sort this out sooner, for allowing it to come to this. Our communication was not good...I am relating to so much of this, to Batya's story. There was a change in him within the first 6 months which was noticed by one of my parents when we were here for xmas 09, perhaps I sensed that and it just threw up another wall. I've also been considering whether he also has the same problem...I don't really know, it's just something that occurred to me while reading this as he had dumped me back in the summer too.

 

I have counselling lined up and this will help me focus on what I need to concentrate on with that.

[lonelygirl82]

This could not sum me up better.....I'm also 28, have been seeing someone for just 4 weeks, we were emailing previously to that, and this weekend I told him about my history of depression (which he is totally fine with). I also have a terrible habit of self-sabotaging relationships, because as soon as I feel someone really likes me, I start doubting whether I like them as much. My current boyfriend (even typing that word scares me!) knows I don't have much self-confidence (well, inwardly....I do a lot of acting but that's just me hiding behind a character), so he compliments me A LOT in an attempt to build my confidence. But all it does is make me think "oh crap, his feelings are way stronger than mine....does that mean I'm not into him? Will I ever be into him as much as he's into me? What if I don't fall head over heels? Will I have to fake it when I kiss him etc?!"

 

The fact is, I DO really like him, and the reason I don't have the urge to rip off his clothes every time I see him and declare undying love is because we've only known each other a few weeks. And I've been single for 5 years. And I was hurt in the past. And I'm not sexually experienced. All perfectly valid reasons for being slower to fall for someone.....so why the self-inflicted pressure?! The last thing I want is to work myself up into such a state that I have to end it for my own sanity, as he's really a good one and I genuinely think it could go somewhere. I've been seeing a therapist for 18 months and have been on meds for about 7 years, but still can't shake off the anxiety that makes me feel physically sick.

 

HOW CAN WE ALL GET PAST THIS?!? ](*,)

[Radiodoll]

It's been a while since anyone's posted here, but I'm hoping there will be someone out there who sees this and can sympathise, or even give me a few pointers on how to get through this.

 

I have been with my boyfriend for just under 3 years now, we met at work and kept our relationship a secret for the first six months. As a result, we spent all of our spare time together. I left the company that I worked for in October 2010, after 5 years there. A month or so before this, though, I had a slight panic attack about whether or not I loved my bf. After he calmed me down, we fell asleep and went on with life the next morning, although both a bit shaken. Given our profession, we were both extremely busy, but I was under the pump a fair bit more and was pretty stressed out. I started my new job the same month that I left my old one and two weeks in, had a minor panic about the same thing at work.

 

All during this time, we were looking for a house to buy - we achieved this in Nov 2010 and moved in mid Jan 2011. By this stage, I was hating work so much, that I wouldn't want to go to bed as it meant I would have to go to work the next morning. We had my bf's ex-flat mate living with us until he found alternate accommodation. The night before Valentine's Day, we had my parents over for dinner - I wasn't feeling the best, was fairly down and quiet. After dinner, we did the usual Sunday night in front of the couch. Bf decided to head to bed and I stayed outside for a bit. Finally went to get ready for bed - looked into our bedroom, where he was sleeping - and it hit me. Panic. And the thoughts that I didn't know if I wanted to be with him anymore, if I loved him etc. Went to work for half a day the next day and had to go home because I couldn't stop thinking those thoughts - I was a mess. Lost 5kg in that week, couldn't do much with myself, stayed home from work and preferred to be in bed as it was safe and I couldn't think if I was sleeping.

 

I was diagnosed with adjustment anxiety - but the thoughts wouldn't stop, they were debilitating and obsessive. I could see how people thought it was anxiety ... but what if these thoughts were real? It's been two and a half months, and it can still get out of control. I was initially put on 15mg of Mirtazipine (Avanza), then went to 30mg. My last session with my psychologist was terrible - was in tears, kept thinking there was something wrong with my relationship. (Btw, my bf has been fantastic through all this - he has been a firm believer since the episode that it was never our relationship that was the issue - he was the one who thought I had anxiety.) It was in that session that she thought that I didn't want out of my relationship because I thought I no longer loved my bf, but because I wanted out of the relationship and whatever that entails. It finally hit me this morning that she could be right - I was always thinking about things that were wrong with the relationship, feeling like something was "missing", coming up with theories about why I didn't love him etc (the thoughts didn't help - it's gotten to the point where I struggle with separating reality from the thoughts).

 

I'm not as bad as I was when I was first diagnosed, I'm pretty sure that I want our relationship to work but still worried that I don't love the guy - how do you tell after two and a half months of thinking that you don't love your bf, that you want this relationship that you fought for and all the things that come with it?

 

Even if I'm not feeling anxious, the thoughts of "I don't want this to work" are there - and it's confusing because I do want us to work!

 

Has anyone been through this and have come on top (ie have dealt with the issue and stayed in the relationship)?

 

Sorry about the long rant and thanks in advance

[madelinealexis]

Wow...I almost want to cry because I never knew that there was a name for what I experience or that others experience it too. In other areas of my life I seem fine but I am 37 and have never made it into a serious relationship with a man. I don't date much. My last serious relationship was in 2001. I often feel misunderstood. But now I know why. Because of the fears that I have as soon as it seems it may be serious or real with a guy. I become suspicious of everything he says and does and believe that everything he says or does is an indication that he's about to dump me or has met someone else or that he's using me. I need constant validation. I used to think I was very perceptive and able to head bad things off before they happened. I didn't know I had relationship anxiety and that I am self-sabatoging. I am seeing someone now that I really care for and rationally I know cares for me. Still there is a part of me that doesn't know or believe it is possible for anything really good like "love" to happen for me in any real or lasting way. I don't want him to leave me but every night expect him to. I never would have known what this is, that other people experience it too, if I hadn't found this thread.

 

Sunday I accused my boyfriend for the 3rd time, in his 2 months of seeing me, of doing something against me. He is very good at getting me to see the lack of logical thought in my thinking but I'm afraid I've made him rethink our relationship. Funny, its like you're terrified of them staying and think up all kinds of madness to push them away but then become terrified of them going. I think this is why I rarely date. Its weird because I'll have all this anxiety over his not calling in some unrealistic amount of time and react to him in an accusing, I caught you doing me dirty way but then panic if/when he pulls away because the actions are unrealistic and thus come accross as crazy. I am tired of losing to this. Its like intelligence cuts off and fear becomes the method by which you think, feel and react. I know that I know why I'm like this though. I used to watch my dad beat up on my mom when I was a little kid. He'd yell, scream, break things, call her names and hit her. He was constantly disappearing with mistresses and reappearing to bring hell on us. Our home was always very loud, chaotic and frightening when he was there. But then after he'd do so much damage and cause so much hurt on her, she'd allow him to kiss her and hug her and they'd act like everything was alright until his next explosion and disappearance. I remember being probably no more than 7 and watching them embrace affectionately one day and I felt this deep disgust, absolute disgust because I didn't see how that could be okay. In my mind it was awful to see that. But I didn't think it had ruined my life. I knew it affected me, but I never put the right words to it or had a name for how it damaged me until now.

 

I'm not ashamed of having this. Its a problem, but we're human. We are human. Its in us to heal and be heal no matter age or anything else.

[erincita]

I am glad this thread is still continuing because I relate to everything! Particularly the anxiety of both whether he will leave me or whether I will leave him. I've been with my bf for nearly 4 years and I have had anxiety over so many different things! I wonder whether it is just relationship anxiety or things I should really be concerned about. I feel like my bf has been really supportive but I very much doubt he could go through another one of my crisis points where I doubt our relationship. We've broken up once before and the thought of losing him when this could all just be relationship anxiety is so scary. But at the same time marrying someone who isn't right is possibly more scary!

I hope we will all continue to post here and share our stories as although only I can cure my anxiety (with the help of a psychologist) it definitly helps sharing these feelings with other like-minded people. If I tell my friends my concerns they tend to think it must be because I am having serious doubts and that that never happens if a relationship is"right".

[Itry2smile]

I am really enjoying reading through these posts. I can relate so well.

 

I've been working with anxiety for 3 years now. It started as fear of failing out of school when I first started univeristy. That was a big one as I had never dealt with anything like it beforehand. I eventually finished the year (with mostly A's) and started on both Celexa and counselling.

 

I have dealt with anxiety on many other things over this time, but I am grateful to say that I can recognize it as irrational fear and doubt much more quickly now and start to work through it. But it still consumes every inch of my soul, especially when it's bad.

 

Recently, I started to date a new guy. What makes this guy unique is not only we've been friends for about 3 years already, but we've been going to school together since we were 5 (and we grew up in the city.... so that's pretty unusual). Furthermore, he is my first boyfriend. We know each other's history better than anyone else.

 

After 8 months, I only recently realized that my train of thought was irregular. And when I started to think I should maybe end things, I got incredibly sad and when I looked at him just couldnt imagine leaving him.

 

My thoughts are geared towards whether I love him, like him enough to continue, or whether I'm only dating him because its convenient and maybe I was desperate. However, reading through these posts have given me the strength to take action, again, against my anxiety. My guy and I may not be together forever, but right now he is exactly what I need, and there is nothing that I do not like about him. I thank each and every one of you for sharing your stories, I can relate to almost every one in some way.

 

I only have one question: What techniques do you use to calm your mind and trust that its anxiety and not reality? I find that when I try to reasure myself that I DO love him and that I AM just so happy with him, that I sometimes have the devil on my shoulder telling me I'm just trying to convince myself of faulty information.

[Batya33]

The best way I know how to combat anxiety is to force myself to think about 10 things I am grateful for -can be as "minor" as having nice bed linens to being thankful for my family, my health, etc. You can't be anxious and grateful at the same time. And I remind myself "if it's not happening it's not happening" meaning in your case if the relationship is not ending now (your ultimate fear, that the relationship will end because of your doubts) then what you are ultimately anxious about is not happening now. The other thing I did when I felt that way was call a friend and talk about everything except my doubts/fears about the relationship - in fact I listened far more than I talked. Forcing yourself to reassure yourself when you're anxious will just increase the anxiety. Intense physical exercise helps too.

[tegoz_marianos]

I'm interested to see the replies you get as this could be describing me...