Mother in law issues

[diverp]

My wife and I recently had a baby girl, about 3 weeks ago. My wife's mom has come down to visit and to help out. I was able to take a couple of weeks off from work right after the birth, but now that I am back, my wife asked her mom to come for a couple of weeks to help.

 

My problem is that her mom is driving me nuts (and her too to a degree). We trade off on sleep right now. So, I get home from work at 6 or so. I hold the baby for an hour or two. She feeds. Then, I try to get my wife to get some sleep at 9 or 10. We then trade off at about 2 or 3 and I get a couple of hours of sleep until I get up at 6:00 for work. My issues are this. When I get home, her mom has junk all over living room. I have been cooking dinners and cleaning up after them when I get home. I go out and feed and take care of the dogs, get the groceries and do some clean up around the house while I cook dinner. I then try to get any laundry or stuff like that done.

 

When I am sitting there in the rocker with my daughter, I have the tv on, but with low volume so as not to startle the baby too much while she is trying to sleep. Well, the mom in law is a little hard of hearing and keeps wanting to turn it up. Last night, she went to bed the same time my wife did (the guest room is immediately above the master bedroom) and she had a tv on up there, pretty loud, until about midnight or so. I could tell my wife was not getting much sleep. When I come home, I can tell the mom has not done anything to help out around the house. Now, I don't expect her to, but she is adding to the burden at this time in that I have to clean up after her, feed her and do the other things that need to be done.

 

The only time I can see that she does anything is to hold the baby in the morning while my wife gets an hour of sleep which of course is when the baby is calm and relaxed anyways.

 

She started giving my wife a bad time about not trying to train the baby into a sleeping routine. Well, our pediatrician has flat out told us that the baby is not going to be able to understand "training" until she is at least at 6 weeks or so. For now, comfort her and give her what she needs. I just think it is inappropriate for her to critisize stuff like that.

 

To top it off, she is a visitor in my wife and my house. She has been throwing around her opinions on things all week and finally last night i argued a bit on an opposing point and was told by her that I was being very contrary. Oh boy.

 

I would like to have a chat with the mom in law, but she is down here at my wifes request and perhaps is giving my wife at least a bit of company during the day. It is only one more week to go then an aunt of hers is coming for a while. Man, I can't wait to have the house back

[Dilly]

Sounds pretty typical! I think you're family is having some growing pains. Congratulations on being a daddy! You sound like a very responsible man!!!

[Scout]

diverp, you're going through all the classic "new parent" sagas...mother-in-law and all!

 

I know you're stressed and irritated, and this is largely due to lack of sleep. If you were getting the sleep you need, you probably would be able to tune a lot of this stuff out. I honestly think that's what's behind most of this right now.

 

Let me congratulate you on not going bananas! It sounds like you're really rising to the occasion...helping your wife, nurturing your baby, taking care of your dogs (as an animal lover, I especially want to give you kudos on that...so many people give up their pets when they have a new baby, it's very sad)...AND still making it to work.

 

I think you and your wife should just both work together as a team as much as possible. Keep that always in the foremost of your mind. Support each other, help each other get a little "me" time, or just give each other a pat on the back.

 

This is a stressful time, for sure, but it will PASS.

 

p.s. And you're right, a baby does not have the cognitive abilities yet to be "trained."

[CarnelianButterfly]

If she's gone in a week, try to wait it out and not start anything, my Mom had the same issues with my Dads monster, every thing she did when caring for my bro and I was wrong by grandma's view. When grandma came to visit me as a newborn she brought the flu, I didn't get sick, but my Mom was nearly hospitalized because she was hit really hard by it and even had to stop breast feeding me. Every thing was a fight with the monster-in-law and my Mom was sick and had to start back to work soon (which m-i-l thought was horrible, working with a newborn, terrible parenting (m-i-l worked after all her kids)). My Mom raised us how she saw fit and ignored all the "input" darling grandma had. You just have to stick to your principals and don't let her needle you, this is your child and you sound like your doing a good job already.

 

GOOD LUCK!

[southerngirl]

Congratulations on the new baby! Breath..... youll get through this.

 

YOur mother in law should be helping. She should be cooking supper, doing laundry and cleaning. That is how she would help. But, that cant come from you. It would have to come from your wife.

 

How does your wife feel about this? What a tough situation your in, I feel your pain.

 

About the sleep thing I fully agree with you. The baby is not going to get on any kind of schedule right now. All she needs is to be loved, clean, fed, and comfortable. Have to go on her schedule.. As time goes on she will start to stabilize herself with night and day. Allowing sunlight into the home during the day will help her realise when its light and dark. But all that comes in time. My children finally started sleeping through the night after months and months of waking during the night. My 20 month old still doesnt sleep through the night! If nothing else I hope that is supportive.

 

You as the parents should make the decisions with the child and no one else. its your baby not the mother in laws.

[justpaisley]

Sorry, man, you're gonna have to pay your mother-in-law dues. The majority of parents have. My husband did, but my mom actually helped (did laundry, helped take care of the baby, did dishes, cooked, butt out when needed, etc). Of course, I think that if my own mother-in-law had come when my son came home from the hospital, I'd have thrown myself off a bridge. But that's a whole nother story.

 

Have you tried asking her to do something? Might make her feel useful. "Hey, Mom, can you take care of the dishes this afternoon? It'd really help us out." Or have her go get some groceries or something.

 

Keep repeating to yourself - it's only another week, and then you don't have to see her again till the holidays.

 

Let your MIL know that if your daughter is hungry, she will be fed. There's not a whole lot of milk coming out of your wife's breasts at this point - later on when she's got a full flow, you'll be able to get your daughter on an every-4-hours schedule. That's why you can't get her on a sleeping schedule.

 

Try to stick it out until she's gone, and you'll laugh about it later. This too shall pass!

 

By the way, you sound like a WONDERFUL daddy. Congratulations!

[Scout]

Very good point, Paisley. Make your mother-in-law feel useful. In her heart, that's really how she wants to be regarded. Remember, your wife was her baby once. Being around her grandchild is probably bringing up memories and feelings of that time, and so she's wanting to sort of assert, "Hey! I changed YOUR diaper once."

 

So, in a way you kind of have to cow tow to her a bit.

 

Don't forget, one day you'll be visiting your child's house as a grandparent yourself. You certainly will hope that you'll feel needed.

[southerngirl]

I love the idea of putting some chores on the fridge and then asking her if theres some things on there she would like to handle. This would make her feel she is really helping, as Im sure thats what she wants to do.

[DN]

Having been a father (twice over) and a grandparent (twice over) I sympathise with what you are going through.

 

It is true that you must attempt to keep you MIL on board but it is much more important that you let her know that both you and your wife are co-parenting your children and that, although grateful for constructive advice, your decisions are the ones that count.

 

It is not unusual for Dad to be shunted aside a little after a new baby is born and Mom and MIL become the authoritative voices. This must be avoided here and now because that will set a pattern for the future.

 

So make sure that when you have 'charge' of the baby that you are seen to be in charge. If you are feeding, changing or whatever, don't let MIL take over and send you for diapers, lotion, powder and so on. If someone needs to fetch - let MIL do it.

 

It is a tricky path to follow but being gently but firmly assertive will avoid many problems in the future. Don't assume that because she will be leaving soon that you can let this slide.

 

You are one of the parents - MIL is a grandparent. Make sure those roles aren't confused.

[diverp]

All good advice.

 

I realize apart of the issues can be attributed to my expectations. I am an engineer, thus very logical about things. My dad was the same. I was raised by my father and my mother really didn't have much to do with my raising at all. She was not what you would consider someone who wanted to be a mother (although she had 4 kids including myself with my dad). Anyways, my dad is just about the most loving parent a person could ask for. For a guy who was winging it, he really had a good balance for parenting and when to lay any kind of rules down.

 

I remember my dad telling me about my English grandmother (his mother) and how when my brother and sister who are twins were born. My grandmother came to the house and essentially took over the hard tasks. She did all the cooking, cleaning, laundry and the dirty work. She didn't butt in, she didn't at all intrude. She gave my dad and mom a chance to do what they needed to do and be close. I admire her for that kind of thing.

 

So, I guess when I see my wifes mother come to "help" and become more of a specacle or center of attention, it gets a little annoying. I have pretty much kept my mouth shut except that I make sure I do do what I feel is right with my daughter and wife as far as not being pushed aside. I think the biggest annoyance is that her mother is the type who has to let EVERYONE know when she has done something. "I put the garbage out"..."I put a glass in the dishwasher"... I guess, being an engineer, I am used to people doing things as they need to be done and not really expecting constant praise. I have learned to do that with my wife, but to be honest, her and her immediate family (her mother especially) really need this. So, I have to accommodate that. And, I guess a part of me resents that a touch when I am getting all of about 3 hours of sleep, going to work, coming home at 6, getting dinner, cleaning and then finally getting to hold my daughter.

 

Now, all that negative stuff aside, and disregarding the lack of sleep I love parenthood. I couldn't imagine not having my daughter around. It really is a life changer.

 

Thanks for all your input.

[Scout]

I think the biggest annoyance is that her mother is the type who has to let EVERYONE know when she has done something. "I put the garbage out"..."I put a glass in the dishwasher"... I guess, being an engineer, I am used to people doing things as they need to be done and not really expecting constant praise.

 

It could be she senses your feelings, and she's trying to affirm that she's being helpful.

 

By the way, just because you're an engineer doesn't mean you're impervious to feeling emotions. You may not need praise, but you are still susceptible to feelings of frustration and irritation.

 

If your mother-in-law is giving the impression she needs praise, you might want to examine to see if it's because she's not getting any recognition or warmth from you during her visit. It could be it's some kind of validation she's looking for, not necessarily praise. Perhaps she's sensing your irritation with her, and is just trying to communicate when she does something helpful.