GF wants to go clubbing... I dun like it

[Hope75]

Hi Massari,

 

You are welcome. You are a good person and I think you just need a little prodding to work on your self esteem and trust but you really do have good intentions.

 

she keep telling these to me and when I hear this it makes me feel like she has so many other options after me and she can leave me anytime.... this feeling sucks..

 

OK, so it sounds as though she may do this partly for attention (sometimes girls who are insecure with themselves will deliberately tell a story like this in order to provoke a jealous reaction from their partner because they feel it validates their attraction to them... it's misguided but not that uncommon, especially in young girls like your gf), and partly so that you will KNOW that EVEN THOUGH these other men are asking for her number or hitting on her, she is rejecting them and choosing to be with YOU. Doesn't that say something about how special you are to her and how much you mean to her? Why else would she turn down these offers to be with you?

 

About differentiating between not caring and showing some trust, let me give you an example. My bf goes every Monday night to a pub with some friends he used to work with. At any given time, there could be 20-30 people he knows there are the bar. I'm invited any time I want to go, but it's his thing, and I do my own thing and don't really ever go. There are guys and girls there, and my bf socializes with all of them, while he has a few beers and a bite to eat. I trust him when he goes, because we know each other well, respect each other, and he has given me no reason to think otherwise.

 

When he comes home I'll ask him, how was it? He'll say it was good, I saw so-and-so and we talked, etc. I ask him because I am interested in his day and I care how it went. I don't interrogate him (aka- who was there? what did you talk about? what did you eat? how many beers? any girls talk to you? what did THEY say?) because I trust him. So, there's a difference there, even if it seems subtle. Showing interest and showing blatant insecurity presents very differently, and the response varies based on that a great deal. If I came at my bf and and interrogated him, I suspect I'd get a response something like, "Back off! What got into you today? Nothing! No one! Why do you care!" No one likes to be made to feel as though they can't be trusted, especially when they've given you no reason to think otherwise.

 

Your gf shows you she cares in other ways. She gives you attention, makes you feel important, shares with you. Interrogating your every move would not be a good indicator that she cares, in fact, I'd be afraid she was very insecure, more interested in controlling you and keeping tabs then caring and respecting you if she behaved that way. It's OK to ask her how her day was, but you don't need to know EVERY little detail and who she talked to about what and how many guys she saw and what they said... etc etc. That's just suffocating, don't you think?

 

it makes me feel like she has so many other options after me and she can leave me anytime.... this feeling sucks..

 

And again, if you live every day with her like you are afraid to lose her, how much are you really enjoying that relationship? Hey, my relationship could end tomorrow, my bf could come home and say that's it, it's over I'm done with you, and that would be it. Or, we could get married and celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary with our grandchildren. The point is that no one can predict what's going to happen in the future. But if you live every day afraid of what you MIGHT lose... how are you going to ENJOY what you already HAVE, right there, in front of you?

[Massari]

hi...

 

I just want to update you on my situation which isn't getting any better. last night she made me feel like * * * * and hurt so bad. she went to her best friends bd. then when she came back she calls me tells me about the bd and how it was. all of a sudden she starts telling me what the bf got her which was a digital camera (an expensive one). then she sarts talking about her ex and how he got her these expensive sunglasses and all the other crap. and how she misses that. then she starts saying what the ex got her for her bd and the other day. I really don't know what the hell happened that night that she starts saying all this stuff. then she say how she trys to make me happy and I don't buy her expensive gifts.. I buy her roses occasionally ,, so I told her that she says well rose dies after a week.. I am like * * *.. so anyhow the night ends I go to bed and sleep . I called again 5 min after tying to see what the hell happened that night, she replies I dunno whats wrong with me I am acting stupid now..then she says I need to sleep so I talk to you later, this is pretty my it. today she calls appologizez about her behavior, and me as ususaly forgive her cause I love her too damn much. but something changed today about me. I just can't look at her the same again. those words were hurtful. All i do is to make this person happy.(maybe not with frikin expensive gifts) but with other stuff,,

 

she is now like a material girl. piece of trash to me.. I will dump her

 

 

hope please tell me if I am doing the right thing here.. why is this happening to me. why out of all the women in the world my gf has to say all that crap.

[Hope75]

Hey There Massari,

 

((HUGS))

 

Ugh, sounds like you had a tough night.

 

Massari, I can't tell you what is right for you here. If you are unhappy in this relationship (and it sounds like you have been for awhile) and it's bringing you more grief than happiness, than maybe it would be a good thing for you to be single for awhile.

 

You girl does seem to have some issues with provoking jealousy and acting immature. But then again, she is 18. I am not totally surprised. Not all 18 year olds act this way, but it's not all that uncommon, either.

 

Ultimately only you will live with the consequences of what you decide, but of course I will support whatever choice you make.

[candy604]

tell her you like to make her things and do romantic stuff instead of buying expensive gifts b/c it shows more thought. ( but u can always buy something nice for her bday and xmas gift!)

 

But i don't think your being stupid b/c personally hearing about an ex got her that and this isn't something you should hear. you aren't crazy! i'd feel hurt too if my bf said that stuff to me.

[Massari]

she is going away today to this cottage up north with her family for 3 days. so basically we can't really talk on the phone. she sent me this email

 

"hellooo baby..

 

i just wanted to say that i feel like such an idiot for last night!..i dont know

what was wrong with me i guess my stupid friends make me act like them even

though i really know what they say and do is soo sooo sooo wrong. I love you to

death and i would never ever ever take a stupid digital camera over u!..your

amazing and i know you do all that you can for me...baby im soo sorrryy..i dont

know what go into my head i was acting like such a stupid little b*** lol!..i

just want you to know that you are by far the most amazing boyfriend and that i

love you till death! ..i am gonna miss you so much this weekend i cant explain

how much i will be missing you im so sad but i promise i will email you a lot

each day..pls dont do anything bad (hehe dont kiss n e girls) andd i promise i

will be an amazing wife there! andddddd i promise that when i get back i

willgive u the BIGGEST KISSSSS ever!!..i love you to death always and forever

 

Xoxox

 

your always""

 

 

..very touching and I am crying right now just cause its really hard for me, everytime this happens somehow I can forgive her again hoping and wanting that this stuff will never happen., I do love this woman.. I just don't know what to do.. I need someone more mature.

[candy604]

it's a learning experience! but the letter is so sweet, just forgive her she realized what she did hurt you and was wrong. Don't give up! relationships are never perfect,there will always be some disagreement, fights etc..but that's part of life.

[lolz]

Well it seems your girlfriend has extremely bad mood swings. I have followed your posts and as I remmeber this is not the first time she did this to you. It seems time to time she does something awful then quickly regrets it, I just wonder how long can you stand to experience this cycle?

[Massari]

“lolz” candy and hope thank you ladies soo soo much. Before saying this I want to make it clear that I am not a jerk or anything like that. “lolz” I am not sure you remember but in the beginning of the relationship something happened “her going to that guys house and him ended up kissing her and I was upset over this” so I thought for 3 days whether I am going to give this woman a second chance or not . it was early in our relationship. I tried not talking to her and all for 3 days and in that 3 days I did something rather not clever. I went out with this other girl who I met before. I was on a emotional roller coaster in that 3 days (not that I am not anymore :S ) I had just came out of my first serious relationship ( 2 months long and got dumped by my ex who hurt me sooo bad, I lost a lot of weight over her drinking and smoking, not a pretty pic,, anyhow) so it was hard for me to be able to trust to a woman and being able to open up to her. And the girl whom I went on a date was emotionally unstable just broke up and we talked on MSN and clicked so we decided to meet up and at the end of the date she kissed me.

 

I was forced to make a decision to either continue with my lady or start a new relationship with this new girl . My current gf came back crying to me when I told her what happened ( I couldn’t keep it from her, she must know that I got kissed by this new girl) and she wanted a second chance, when I saw her crying telling me how much she loves me and all I decided ok. And I remember that you “lolz” were among the first who told me what I did was wrong I should have broke up with her before going on a date.

 

Now I am regretting my decision kinda. What would have happen if I would have gone out with the other woman. Maybe all this trouble would have been avoided. maybe she is a much more mature person who wouldn't do all this crap. Now I have talked to the other girl a few times since then. She is seeing someone but she is not serious about him and I believe she still has feelings for me. so it might work out if I am a little more serious about it. On the other hand I do love this woman who I am with right now very much but, this lack of attention that she gives me sometime, make me feel like S*** and unwanted, this importance that her friends are for her, the effects that her friend have on her which caused some problems in our relationship recently “i.e. she shouldn’t spend too much time with me and all, I should be getting her expensive gifts”.

 

My best guy friend suggested why don’t you actually date both at the same time and then make a decision, I know many of you would suggest no break up with her and the go out with her cause it wouldn’t be fair to them. Now so far nothing was fair to me….I am thinking what to do here and I really don’t know. Maybe its wrong to think these but on the other hand as “lolz” mentioned how much more can I take? I say none.

[lolz]

Yeah I remember that post. To be honest, I do find it unfair to date two girls at the same time and I've been to the situation where one of my ex's did this to me. Our relationship was quite shaky, but I would prefer him to break up with me rather than saying that he loves me while at the same time he already had feeling for someone else, and I was, simply, a back up.

However, your relationship with this girl just seems way to complicated IMO and it has nothing much to do with that kiss story that happened at the beginning(I still don't see her fault in there). That is why you gotta make a choice either to be with her and deal with all this stuff she is doing and most likely, will continue to do OR somehow end this relationship. It's just really seems like your personalities, life-styles, etc. just do not match. Is there a willing to compromise between you two? I've noticed you were saying that you do a lot for her and for this relationship. Does she contribute somehow?

And also I really find it to be strange how she says all those things to you and then just apologizes and acts like nothing happened. What she says is not quite normal IMO and apology sometimes is not enough.

[Hope75]

Hey Massari,

 

To be honest, I don't see how you can put enough effort or concentration into EITHER girl if you are dating both at the same time.... it usually ends badly with one or more people getting hurt. Do you think your present GF would agree to that?

 

I read her email and yes it was nice, but it doesn't discount all the other things she has done that have hurt and upset you.... it just seems like another upswing on the yo yo ride she has you on lately.

 

How long do you think you can trust this until you go back down?