GF wants to go clubbing... I dun like it

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

You have a point that people do often go to clubs to hook up. Fair enough, good point.

 

However . . . it doesn't mean she's auditioning for replacements for you.

 

She will be if you keep being over protective, though.

[anydaynow]

What your girlfriend wants to do in her time when she is not with you should not be a concern as long as she is not in danger harming herself or others, or engaging in physical or emotional infidelity. How much time she spends w/ you v. her friends is another issue. But remember, you are not her keeper, you are her boyfriend.

 

I go to clubs on occasion, and nobody, including my boyfriend, is in a postion to tell me that I cannot. We never even discussed what type of behavior at the club was okay and what was not. He trusts my judgement.

 

I had a good friend with a boyfriend like you. It was an emotionally abusive relationship. I ended up directing her to a domestic violence website that listed the following as warning signs. It took a whole year after issuing my wake up call, but she finally ended it. We are all so happy for her. Read through this list and consider what actions you have taken that align with these.

 

You may be in an emotionally abusive relationship if

your partner:

Calls you names, insults you or continually criticizes you.

Does not trust you and acts jealous or possessive.

Tries to isolate you from family or friends.

Monitors where you go, who you call and who you spend time with.

Does not want you to work.

Controls finances or refuses to share money.

Punishes you by withholding affection.

Expects you to ask permission.

Threatens to hurt you, the children, your family or your pets.

Humiliates you in any way.

[Massari]

You may be in an emotionally abusive relationship if

your partner:

Calls you names, insults you or continually criticizes you.

Does not trust you and acts jealous or possessive.

Tries to isolate you from family or friends.

Monitors where you go, who you call and who you spend time with.

Does not want you to work.

Controls finances or refuses to share money.

Punishes you by withholding affection.

Expects you to ask permission.

Threatens to hurt you, the children, your family or your pets.

Humiliates you in any way.

 

 

I treat my GF with respect.. and love.. but the hightlights in your list do match me.

[jenny_mcs]

I treat my GF with respect.. and love.. but the hightlights in your list do match me.

 

No. If your behavior matches the highlighted list, you are certainly NOT treating her with respect.

[Massari]

No. If your behavior matches the highlighted list, you are certainly NOT treating her with respect.

but it just those three and sometimes I am unsecure and don't trust her...

[natalie121687]

cmon she's 18! thats the age us girls want to go out and see what the club life is really all about, maybe she won't like it much and realize it was a stupid idea. maybe she will love it and invite you to go with her some time... dont stress out about it. going to the club does NOT mean cheating on you.

[candy604]

so what happened? give us an update massari!

[Hope75]

Hey Massari,

 

The others are right. Those 3 things that were highlighted on that list are all about control, insecurity, and disrespect. I know you feel love for your gf, and I think you may be having some trouble seeing that what you are doing is controlling, and is not loving or respectful. Controlling someone and checking up on them, or guilting them into not going somewhere because you don't trust them is not loving or respectful.

 

A relationship needs to have trust... we cannot go around doubting and worrying about our partners whereabouts constantly and trying to control them. It's not healthy. I imagine at some point your gf will begin to resent your controlling ways... and will either lash out by doing the very thing you fear, or by just leaving you altogether.

 

At the heart of this I think you are a good guy... you just need to work on this issue within yourself before you ruin your relationship for good.

 

I urge you to think about this long and hard... and come back and tell us what you come up with.

[Massari]

well thank you all sooo sooo soo much. "candy" , "hope" ppl who followed up on me. Our relationship is ok now. I mean she is not as loving and passionate as she was before maybe cause 4 months passed by and things are settling down. and it has become steady. but this steadyness seem to me as she being bored in this relationship. I mean to me the magic is still there. I love her and all but she doesn't seem like that. when we are together yeah its awsome , but when we're not it sucks. we talk on the phone several times a day so its not like we doen't communicate. but still a part of me is not happy here simply cause I think she is not happy and when I DO talk to her about that issue. she always says that I am crazy and she loves me so much and that she can't wait to marry me. ( kinda early to say that but I think thats partly cause of her age!! 18 ) she used to me more passionate and all.. like just randomly calling me saying that I miss u. but now she doesn't do that. and when I ask her why or whats wrong she says hmm nothing I am not the type that shows it alot but she was that type before. the past 3 months. ok maybe its this. the past 3 months we spent a lot of time together almost everyday. and this past 2 weeks her friends were complaining to her and now she has changed. its like she listens to them rather then me. and but then they are gonna move to a city for school (her friends) and she told me yesterday aren't you happy that they are leaving because they are being annoying,

 

one thing I forgot to mention. the 3 highted things I act like that when she is cold in the relationship. shows no emotions sometimes.. shows no interest to meet up with me, thats when start acting like that..

 

there are several things I want her to do and be.. PLEASE tell me your honest opinion if I am asking for too much here.. so I dunno maybe I am the problem maybe she is maybe bothe of us are

 

1. try to spend more time with me.. show a little more love (verbally but not faking it, I mean if she is not happy I DO NOT WANT HER TO BE WITH ME)

 

2. her friends are not good girls.. they sleep around with guys.. smoke all kinda stuff.. and actually she smoked once with them and then she told me like this " baby PLEASE don't get mad at me but I tried smoking with "N" (her brst friend). this was a week ago. yesterday I was hugging her her hair smelled like smoke.. usually smells so nice. I was so turned off by this simply beacuse she is influeced by her friend.

 

3. I want her to spend less time with them cause I know they are up to no good. one of them already told her to spend less time with me cause she is younge and she should enjoy her teenage years. we spend 3 months together and we both loved it. and suddenly friends interfere and things are going bad. she is acting cold.

 

4 I want her to initiate once in a while that I want to see you and I miss you ,,, and all. If I don't say anthing she is constanly shopping in the mall with her gfs. and going out with them basically cause they live close to her then I do..

[Hope75]

one thing I forgot to mention. the 3 highted things I act like that when she is cold in the relationship. shows no emotions sometimes.. shows no interest to meet up with me, thats when start acting like that..

 

Hey Massari,

 

So let's think about this. Maybe the answer is not trying to control her, but finding out why she acts this way sometimes. It's not getting you anywhere to try and manipulate where she goes and with who... so what about trying to get to the bottom of this?

 

 

And not just asking her, but also telling her, in a non threatening way, how it makes you feel when she withdraws and you don't know what's going on inside her head.

 

Are you afraid she will cheat?

[Massari]

HOPE thank you for the following up and the response

 

I always thought she would cheat and i was afraid of that. but now that I think about it... no I am not. I am afraid of the spark and the magic to fade away and that I know is the death of a relationship. I want to work on that but I know it takes two to make things better not only one. I want to be with her and I want us to be happy

[anydaynow]

I just read through some of this again and noted your ages and that the relationship is only 4 months old. How bad would it be if the spark did fade and the relationship ended?

 

At four months, I wouldn't be worrying so much about the status of the relationship other than whether it was decided to be exclusive or not. You should be having fun. If it is this early on and there are issues, maybe it is not meant to be.

 

Remember, if it is meant to be, it will happen, and if not, it won't.

 

Don't stress out over how often she calls to say she misses you. Keep it fun and light, I think at 4 months (and at 18 and 22) it should be! If it happens to end, you can remember the fun you had! Relationships can end happily with both people glad for the time they had together.

 

Don't pollute your young relationship with insecurites, fear, and control. If it ends and you've done that, you'll both leave the relationship feeling negatively towards it.

[Hope75]

HOPE thank you for the following up and the response

 

I always thought she would cheat and i was afraid of that. but now that I think about it... no I am not. I am afraid of the spark and the magic to fade away and that I know is the death of a relationship. I want to work on that but I know it takes two to make things better not only one. I want to be with her and I want us to be happy

 

OK so this is a positive thing, a step in the right direction.

 

I'm guessing, and tell me if you think I could be wrong here, that there are better ways of keeping the relationship alive and keeping that 'spark' than trying to control her and keep track of her.

 

I'm wondering, if you are honest, kind, respectful, to yourself, and treat her the same, if things wouldn't improve greatly. Next time she says she wants to go out with her peeps for some fun- why not tell her to enjoy herself and call you the next day, and go out and have some fun yourself?

 

Part of that shows trust and respect from you, and also makes you a bit mysterious because you are confident enough in yourself to have your own agenda and to know that she is not going anywhere. It may keep her intrigued... what do you think?

[Massari]

our arguments are more then these things.. I thought trust is an issue here but no there are more ( I think that anyway). for one she doesn't like any thing physical in public. like now school started so we see eachother even less then before. but we do go to the same university I try to make the best use of it when she is here with me. here are the things

 

1. she doesn't like holding hands in public. like when we're walking or going to see a movie or anything like that so you feel like you are a complete stranger with her. she had a class so I mentioned I'll wait for you till you come back from your calss. she seemed annoyed by the idea that I wait for her or walk her to her classes. she said "your being so annoying today" I asked her why she said that, what did I do? she said sorry I am on my period which she is. then she says something else. like university life should be separate we should do out own things in university. I didn't quite get what she meant by that. but I did say after that we barely see eachother and we're gonna be spending half of our time in school so if we don't spend time here also when will we? she didn't say anything and change the subjects. I could have talked about it more but I didn't. I didn't want to annoy her since she was experiencing PMS.

 

 

I AM LOST >> COFUSED AND CLUELESS AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO. is this stuff normal?? I mean I am not an expert when it comes to my relationship but since when holding hand is bad.. when I am standing near her in a lineup for something "food lets say" she goes why are you standing so close I can't breath.!!! this pisses me off but I don't react anything and I pretend that it doesn't bother me.. I dun thing any other guy would stand this ??? would it? what do I do here?? is she acting normal??

[Hope75]

Hey Massari,

 

OK, so your girl is not a big fan of PDA's. I know alot of people who aren't. You have to decide in the bigger picture of things how important this it to you. Does she show you attention and affection when you are alone together? Do you feel loved by her? Wanted by her?

 

I am a student too, and I can say that I would not be a big fan of holding hands and such while at school- that's sort of my 'professional' life and appearance and I'd prefer to keep it that way, it's not a reflection at all about how I feel re: my boyfriend. I adore him and when we are alone he knows that.

 

I'm wondering again, if your need to be holding her hand or touching her n public is coming from you being insecure about her feelings towards you, or a fear that she may, at some point leave.

 

What do you think, my friend?

[Massari]

Hey Massari,

Does she show you attention and affection when you are alone together? Do you feel loved by her? Wanted by her?

I'm wondering again, if your need to be holding her hand or touching her n public is coming from you being insecure about her feelings towards you, or a fear that she may, at some point leave.

 

What do you think, my friend?

 

these points are EXACTLY the reason I am thinking and rethinking and thinking about us again..

 

this is different everyday, somedays I feel like I am the luckies guy. some days I feel like crap just cause she seems to be blowing me off. the time when we are alone together is nice and amazing but then is short recently. like she seems me for 30 min and then she is so sleepy that she has to go home. Now 3 hrs going to the mall with her best gf is OK and she knows that she is meeting up with me but then it will make her tired, so then again this varies from time to time. that is why I am not sure what she is doing. I am suspecting she is cheating on me with someone because we haven't had sex for like 3 weeks.. and this week we are suppose to do it and she keep postponding it

[candy604]

hm...she is upset at something? b/c i know for me if my bf pisses me off i start to loose feelings of wanting intimacy with him. It doesn't mean i'm cheating on him. So don't jump to that conclusion yet. Just ask her what's bothering her and if you can talk things out.

 

But 3 weeks no intimacy? something is up definitely and you need to ask her calmly. Maybe make her a nice dinner or something to get her in hte mood. Sometime's it's not great knowing your bf wants to see u just to "do it."

[Massari]

hm...she is upset at something? b/c i know for me if my bf pisses me off i start to loose feelings of wanting intimacy with him. It doesn't mean i'm cheating on him. So don't jump to that conclusion yet. Just ask her what's bothering her and if you can talk things out.

 

But 3 weeks no intimacy? something is up definitely and you need to ask her calmly. Maybe make her a nice dinner or something to get her in hte mood. Sometime's it's not great knowing your bf wants to see u just to "do it."

 

we don't really have a place of our own.. I live with my parents and so does she. so we can't really have a place to get intimate. only like in our car or when my parents go out and there is no one at home. about the school thing she is not a big fan of PDA but holding hand is NOT PDA is it??? whenever I touch her in public she gets bothered .. so Idunno if thats normal or not. when we are in a car or something its ok!!! or in my house but when we are in public no way! has anyone's BF been like this?? like me!

[candy604]

ah i see. yah me either, but my bf lives in the basement so the parents don't bother us. But around school some people are just not comfortable. Holding hands should be okay though??

 

i know some couples who just don't even touch each other in public they just look like tehy are friends. Odd but i guess that's them. Maybe you can ask her why? or maybe it's her comfort level lol.

[Hope75]

Hey There,

 

Ok so let me see if I've got this right: a big part of what is upsetting you is not so much that she isn't into holding hands or being touched in public (and I think holding hands is a PDA, anyone else disagree?) but that she is inconsistant in her response to you and that leaves you feeling insecure- which might in turn bump up how much you want and need reassurance from her physically, i.e., sex and affection, attention and when she rejects that you feel more insecure.

 

What makes you think she's cheating? Is it just the "no sex" part? Anything else? Did she ever like PDA's with you? Is the going 3 weeks without sex part something new? Has it happened before? It sounds as though you really don't have much opportunity to be intimate, both living with your parents and all. I imagine it can get old having to always have sex in the car. Now and then it's fun- but every time?

 

So I know you've tried talking to her about this- but I wonder how you have approached it. Do you come off as 'blaming' her? (i.e. "you don't pay attention to me, you don't hold my hand in public") or do you tell her how you feel? (as in: "It makes me feel rejected when we cannot hold hands or when I can't see you for more than 30 minutes and other friends seem to get more of your time. I'd really like to feel more important to you.")

 

Sometimes your approach alone can affect what sort of answer or reaction you get. Just a thought.

[Massari]

unfortunately I am a guy who do so much (maybe too much) for the person I care alot about, and she is not that type or she is but she doesn show it. she is too busy in her life now as I see it. but the thoughts of us not being together are becoming more and more close to reality. when I question the relationship she yells this " who do you want do you want someone who kiss your a** all the time?? I say no (trying to be calm and speak calmly to her while she is yelling and swearing) the she hangs up on me (something I never do to her) I really don't think she can talk to me like that.

 

PS just got off the phone.. things are not good... we might end it here, my doubts are annoying and annoyed her and to be honest I am not happy about it either so I dunno whats gonna happen..

[Hope75]

Hey Massari,

 

I'm sorry things don't seem to be working out. Perhaps it is best if you are just not compatible. I don't think it's OK she is yelling at you and swearing, but I don't think she is unreasonable that she doesn't want alot of PDA's and doesn't want to be monitored and questions all the time regarding her whereabouts.

 

I hope that whatever happens, you will think long and hard about what you can do to improve the situation, either for this relationship (should it be salvagable) or the next.

 

You cannot expect to be able to control and manipulate a woman (or a man for that matter) because you have trouble learning how to trust. This is why trust is sooooooooooo important in any relationship, without it, there is no relationship. Unless a woman (or man) gives you a reason not to trust, a little faith, until you get to know the person and know that they are honest and trustworthy, goes a long way. And you have been with your gf now long enough to know if she is trustworthy or not. If not, breaking up is probably the best thing, since your insecurity is driving it that way anyway. If she is trustworthy, you really need to take some time and re-examine why you have issues giving that trust and what you can do about it.

 

Hang in there, friend.

 

What is your next move?

[Massari]

well things went rather ok. she came over .. we are ok.. we both hate arguing. what I need to do is to relax and pay attention to my school and studies. I don't know why I expect her to tell me where she goes and who she is with .. maybe because in the beginning she told me all that stuff and now its just not happening like that anymore and thats where the insecurity is coming from IMO. there is nothing worst then the feeling that you don't trust someone... and I am like that and I hate it.

[Hope75]

The thing about this is... you are OK for now but the REAL problem has not been addressed and I suspect you are going to have these little run ins and fights until ultimately it ends for good if you cannot get past this mistrust.

 

It seems to me that since that incident in the beginning she has not given you any reason not to trust her- she had been faithful with you and honest with you... do you think maybe this means that you need to give that leap of faith and believe in that? You have seen how close your insecurities and controlling behaviors have come to driving her away for good... is that what you want?

 

If not- what are you going to do about it?

[Massari]

Need to mentions how much I appricitae your followup inmy situation hope. The insight of a very smart and mature woman is exactly what I need for how to deal with my situation so thank you "Hope" very much

 

I definitely cannot imagine not being with this girl. I Love her to death and she loves me too. she said something to me that is really making me think. She said " I trust you but you always doubt me" What is making me wonder all these crazy thoughts is mostly this, the trust that she has in me, how do you know if that is trust or she just doesn't care what I do? this may sound very idotic and stupid but how do you differenciate the two? trust and not give a rat's a**!! my guy friends tell me don't give a damn about what she does let her do what she wants and party all she want, she will get tired of it and miss you. don't call her all the time and let her miss you. I know I will never be able to not give a damn about what she is doing at the moment. and I think what my guy friends are saying is totally wrong and will not work for me, maybe it will work for some one who is looking for a one night stand but not for me.

 

Later on I asked if she really wanted to break up with me she answered no I can never be without you, what I said was out of anger and I was probably gonna call you an hour after that! I mean I hear all these things but the a min later I feel insecure again.. miss trust.

 

an reason that I can see why there are these insecurities is because she get hit on by guys from time to time. and she tells me these storied of how this guy who is her ex's friend calls herr, how this other guy in the gas station asked for her number. I appriciate her telling me this but on theother hand I rather not knowing about it cause it makes me sick and disgusted. she is good looking and pretty but she is normal, she is NOT some super model and I dun see how can so many guys hit on her ( so maybe she is making these up) she knows it upsets me but she keep telling these to me and when I hear this it makes me feel like she has so many other options after me and she can leave me anytime.... this feeling sucks..