Help? What went wrong so fast?

[roxy79]

So are you suggesting I back off and make him come to me?

Last weekend he was out of town for business and he had asked what I was up to. I lied and said I was at this "bar" friday night, sat @ at surf contest, sunday riding my dirt bike. He was SWEATING it. He called and text me allllllllllll friday night until 4am when he thougth I was at the bar (which i wasn't... I just didn't want him to think I stayed at home). Same with Sunday. He asked a million questions about my dirtbike trip. Who went, do I see these guys often etc.

 

What can I do? Cause I do really like this guy. I just started to get comfortable cause I thought he digged me enough that I could breath easy. So do I stop calling him... let him call me. No texting him. Let him text me. Let him ask me out... don't make plans with him?

 

Will these small little tactics shake his confidence like it did last weekend when he thought I was surrounded by men all weekend? I really don't want to F this up. And I somehow feel like I already did.

[felix]

you will F this up if you keep calling him - men love to do the work - to chase. I am well aware that women like to chase as well but on this occasion you have just answered your own question. When you made him sweat he came running. You need to be on far firmer footing before you can forget about small game play and tactics. I hate game play but it makes the world go round baby.

[n83]

Honestly hun, it sounds like for whatever reason he has lost interest.... someone said earlier that some guys may back off if they really like you, but I honestly don't often see that. Guys who are really interested will totally go for it; make plans, stick with them, and follow up.

 

that being said, just do your own thing.. keep busy, as it seems you are. If you are tempted to text him, text someone else instead.. he knows where to find you. Let him come to YOU to make plans this time, since you've asked him every day almost and he's not saying yes! He might have felt like you were asking him every day to chill and if he's really busy he might have realized that he might be too busy to try to work something out with you

[roxy79]

You're totally right. I will not be calling him. Today was HIS opportunity to see me. Now my schedule has taken over. I'm not gonna have the time to call him or text him. I hate playing these games, but somehow it works. I hated making stories up about last weekend, but I truly wanted him to know that I dont just "sit" around when he's not home. Which is why I think he panicked.

 

I wish I could say this is going to be easy but it's not. It's hard to go from someone calling and texting you and wanting to see you almost every other day to not even calling you. I dont know what happened or where I made the wrong turn. But I'm going to try to save this but not doing anything, and let him come to me.

[roxy79]

The thing is, up until Wednesday, he was making all the effort! I haven't had to do anything. Someone got fired at his work, he has to pick up the slack now... so that's why I thought MAYBE stress from work might be taking over. But if he had nothign to do today, I thought he'd want to see me. But that wasn't the case.

 

How can you go from totally being into someone up till Wednesday, then all of a sudden lose interest? Does it really happen that quick?

[blender]

First off, stop thinking in terms of "tactics" start thinking in terms of self respect, regardless of this guy, you can start by having standards/values you choose to live by. The first being that you trust YOU are worthy of a man who is reliable, kind, trusting, and mature enough to eventually let you know where he stands. And do NOT call him.. yuk. STOP, THINK, let this go for now... it could mean a million things that he did not make himself available to you today, and it could have NOTHING to do with his feelings for you, or lack of them, whatever the case may be.. YOU are starting to "panic".

 

Why is that? What is it about you that is making you so insecure, because it is NOT about him. You're a nice girl, and you deserve someone who will pursue you, be upfront, and communicative. If he is NOT these things, it has nothing to do with you, it's the way HE is.

 

And perhaps your brother is right, this guy might have sensed it was "getting too much too soon" for him and he got a bit scared, so let him be.... There is one sure way to turn him off and that is for you to be calling, or texting, or whatever in an effort to relieve your own anxiety about "where he stands".

 

You will find out in time, trust that he's either the right guy for you or he isn't and either way you will be okay.. but at least maintain your dignity and self respect and give yourself some space from him..... do NOT contact him again... let him do so, then and ONLY then will you know if he's even wanting to talk, or be with you.. let it be HIS effort next time...

 

Believe me, if you keep making the effort by calling, or texting, he might simply just be acting "polite" by resonding.... let him make the next move.... do NOT call again, do this for your own self respect. He knows your number, let him make a choice to use it...so you know he has made the choice to contact you.. do you really want to put anyone in a position to just be "polite" to you?

 

Sure you had a great time together, let him "remember that" and NOT the fact that YOU keep trying to get together with him.. you've made the effort now let it be... keep venting here, work it through in your own mind, do NOT ACT ON your insecurities, it will only lead to more insecurities... Be secure in the fact that he has your number and he knows you're interested and if he wants to see you he will call, if not.. than be in acceptance of this...

 

All will be okay, I know you're nervous about it and you like him but contacting him again is NOT the answer...

[felix]

You and I are in the same boat here - lets keep updated and see what happens next. May the force be with us both

 

I have even removed her cell number from my phone temporarily and memorized the last 3 digits so that I cannot text her but know if she calls or texts me. A bit drastic but it works for me.

[roxy79]

You are totally right. I am in a freaked out state and I dont know how to shake it. I will leave him alone. I dont want to mess this up. I do feel like we are right for each other (and I dont say that often!). Even his best friends say we are a match. One said to me the other day, that he really digs me, so much that he thinks he is hooked on me but he doesn't know what to do with himself. ???

 

I will not contact him. no way.

[allzwell]

Don't try to quit thinking about him, that won't work.

 

Replace the thoughts of him doing by things with other people, treating yourself to a manicure or pedicure... go to the movies, do something you don't ususally do for variety to broaden You as a person. You will feel better and no one is hurt by it. You are worth it, don't forget that and don't let him define who you are.

[felix]

Watch the scene in the 1996 movie Swingers (Vince Vaughn) where the guy calls the girl repeatedly on an answer phone at 2am - that about sums it up.

[allzwell]

blender is right, hang in there!

[roxy79]

Well i finally got to talk to my BF, who is dating my guys BF too. I told her the story and she doesn't know what is going on. But as of today, the four of us still have our trip for this weekend (going to the river).

 

She said let this blow over. Maybe he decided to work today (which isn't unusual) and he's gonna call after he's done at the shop. She said maybe he's just in a foul mood still and doesn't want that foul mood to reflect on me. (he doesn't want me see that side of him or doesn't want to take that anger out on me).

 

She confirmed he is NOT dating anyone else and hasn't met anyone else cause she wouldn't have heard by now. I'm just trying to take deep breaths, occupy my time. but what is killing me is wondering WHEN he is gonna call...cause I know he will (he isn't that much of a d*ck). And when he does call... where is this gonna go. maybe he doesn't think anything is wrong??

[felix]

how are you feeling now ?

[roxy79]

Well I do feel a bit better. But still confused as F*ck. I went to the gym for a while to burn off some steam... took a long drive. Whatever is going on with him is out of my control. It may or may not be related to me.

 

Is there a chance that he truly has no idea this is bothering me? He can't be that dumb can he? He has to know that not calling a girl back is going to bother her, unless he still is planning on calling me whenever he's done doing whatever it is he is doing today.

 

It's just never been an issue for him to call me. I thought we were to the point where it would be easy for him to say "hey..i'm working today. sorry." or "i'm taking my boat out with my buddies." I wouldn't get offended if there was some line of communication. It's the lack there of that is eating away at me.

 

My emotions are scattered now. Not sure what to think. All I know is that I can't call or text him no matter how hard this is. I just want to talk to him so badly. But if there isn't a "problem" in his eyes, how lame am I going to look when I turned this huge NOTHING into SOMETHING>

[_Just_a_girl]

Wow I don't know why I am hooked on this post but I'm curious to see how it plays out. I reading through all the replys and I can hear how anxious Roxy is getting.

Girl! relax! He'll call. And when he does, don't get all into how "freaked" you were. And like others have said go and enjoy some things on your own..or with friends in the mean time. So that when he DOES call and asks you how your weekend went...you can tell him all about it.. instead of making up stuff so he doesn't think you jsut stayed home.

 

Happy Sunday everyone! \\

[felix]

The fact is, however odd it seems, you may feel like you don't have control of the situation right now when in fact at the moment you are the one who IS in control of the situation - why because you are calm, collected and waiting for him to call and explain - which he certainly will!

 

Quite a few guys, once they are feeling sure of a situation will think to themselves okay i know I am suppsoed to call and I should do but hey she needs to learn that I don't need to explain everything and by not calling she will miss me that little bit more so for today I won't call and then when I do it will be fine. They don't know for sure you will be cut up in any way but it does cross their mind ever so slightly that hey you may be waiting for them - and they like that. Now that doesn't necesaarily show him in the best possible light but millions of guys do the very same thing (show me a relationship that doesn't involve power play). For today, you have absolutely no idea why he hasn't been in touch and it it could be for a very good reason. I suspect that we are seeing an ever so slight touch of game play going on, nothing bad, but by being calm and collected you are the one who will be fine out of this. The worst possible thing you can do is make a mountain of an issue out of today as it will scare him away.

 

Sounds to me like things are really great between you and that at this moment you simply need to wait for him to call. As all relationships are based on trust and faith as their foundations - you will be demonstrating that now.

[annie24]

I agree!!

 

Girl - you are WAY over thinking things, and are hurting yourself and your relationship.

 

Think of it this way - if you met a new female friend, and had been hanging out for a few months, would you be all freaking out if she is distant one day, or doesn't want to see you? NO! you'd just be like, "ok, whatever, have a good day, maybe we'll see each other next week." And then you'd move on and do something else. And then if she called, you'd be happy to hear from her.

 

instead, you are freaking out, and constantly calling him will drive him away. I know, because i've made that mistake many many times. NO MORE!!!! I know that one of the problems in my love life is that when I meet a guy, and things aren't going perfectly according to "my plan" in my head, I start freaking out and getting anxious when he hasn't returned my call.

 

my new goal is to treat guys I am dating more like "a friend" in the sense that I have mentioned. If he doesn't call, no worries, I will do whatever I want in the meantime. If he does call and invite me out, I'll look at my schedule and decide if that works for me. Like I would do with any other friend. I would not yell at them for not calling me sooner, or for not asking me to hang out next weekend. Not to say I would tolerate being disrespected, but just to be a little more chill about things.

 

Anyways, maybe this attitude may help you?

[roxy79]

Which is what I'm trying to do....be calm and collected. I'm trying to show him that I trust him and I dont need him. (Which truly I don't). He has been a bonus in my life. I've always played the part of being a very independent girl and that's what he said he loved about me from the start.

 

We do have an awesome relationship and both of us have never felt this comfortable with anyone. He friends adore me and warn him to "not {mod edit} this one up!" His and my friend say that the way he looks at me is a huge sign of how much he is into me. (which is what I see too!).

 

I don't want him to ever feel pressured. He and I had this conversation not too long ago and he said that he has never felt pressured by me, never felt the need to HAVE to call or the need to HAVE to text me. So maybe this is a "slight" test as you put it? testing to see if I get all crazy (like I am) or if I blow it off like it was no big deal?

 

If he does call, I will NADA mention the fact that i freaked myself out. I do have a back up as to what I "did" today other than worrying about this situation. I've always got a plan, but little detours like this kill me.

[annie24]

I have to agree with batya, in that i think that bringing over dinner for his coworkers and him, and calling him and inviting him to the wedding.... may all be "too much too fast."

 

You may not see this, but you are acting very "wifey." Most people (including myself!) would only invite someone to a wedding if they are engaged or are a very serious couple. inviting someone to a wedding is a big step in the relationship, and maybe he thought that was too much too fast.

 

When you are his wife, then bring over food for him. until then, just chill out. i know, because I've gone through this myself. I've tried to be nice and bring over food for boyfriends studying for finals, but I've been surprised! Instead of them being happy and becoming closer to me, they act angry and resentful or indifferent. i don't quite know where this comes from, but all I know is, until i'm married or engaged, I won't bring over a meal for a boyfriend!

[roxy79]

Annie--

You are totally right. I've never looked at it from that perspective. I shouldn't be worrying that he hasn't called me back in 8 hrs. I have tons of guy friends who I call all the time and they sometimes dont call back for days and I don't give it a second thought.

 

but... I'm not DATING my friends. I"m DATING this dude, which I think puts everything in different perspective right? Maybe that is my problem? That I'm getting too serious too soon? maybe i should go back to my "friends" way of thinking and treat him more like a "friend?"

[annie24]

Annie--

You are totally right. I've never looked at it from that perspective. I shouldn't be worrying that he hasn't called me back in 8 hrs. I have tons of guy friends who I call all the time and they sometimes dont call back for days and I don't give it a second thought.

 

but... I'm not DATING my friends. I"m DATING this dude, which I think puts everything in different perspective right? Maybe that is my problem? That I'm getting too serious too soon? maybe i should go back to my "friends" way of thinking and treat him more like a "friend?"

 

exactly. you aren't dating your friends. you are dating him. but yes, I agree with you, I think you are getting too serious too soon. Go back to the 'friends' way of thinking.

 

If he isn't treating you like a girlfriend, don't treat him like a boyfriend. If he is going to be all like, "uh, I don't know what I'm doing today," then just brush it off like you would a friend. Make a mental note, like batya said, if he is reliable or not. decide if you want to keep him in the boyfriend category, or in the friend category.

 

if he is good to you and reliable, over time, you can cross over into 'girlfriend' behavior more.

 

That is my problem too, I turn into "girlfriend" from day one. i think if I just let myself act as a "friend" for the first 6 months or so, i may have had better success in relationships. well, that is my new goal!

[blender]

Have the two of you been "intimate"? If so, then you have to know what standards YOU like to live within during a relationship. But I have to say from reading your threads, you are willing to "transform, or adapt" your image to "fit" what will work to keep him around, this is very dangerous.. for YOU in any relationship.... you need to have a strong sense of self before you can be successful in a relationship... do you have any standards that you use for dating someone, and what you would "expect" from someone with whom you are intimate?

[roxy79]

I DO NOT want to be wifey. EWWWW. I never thought that I was being wifey by bringing them dinner. I thought I was being a RAD girlfriend cause they bust their butts all night long, so I thought by bringing them dinner, I was getting brownie points, cause I saved them from having to break from work to go get it (since they weren't gonna get done till midnight).

 

So no more dinners for them. I didn't know inviting someone to a wedding was a big deal. I hate weddings and that it would be more fun if he was with me. I had NO idea that was a bad move. Oooops.

 

How do I redeem myself them? No more dinners. No more calls until he calls. No mention of getting upset. No mention of me thinking he sucked all day. What else do I need to do better?

[blender]

Roxy, read my post, I'm concerned that you are sounding like dating to you is similar to "applying" for a job, like what do I need to "do" in order to land this baby... perhaps you want to start making a choice of what a man needs to "do" in order to have YOU in his life....

[roxy79]

Blender--

Yes... he had to pass many "tests" within my own standards before I was intimate with him. And he passed them all with flying colors. And he knew coming into this that I am a strong woman and dont put up with BS which is another reason why he was attracted to me. I waited a month before we became initmate.. which may not seem long to some, but we spent almost everyday together in some form.. and it felt right and he has respected me and treated me greatly. (up until this little mishap of confusion this weekend.).