The other woman

[candy604]

well said Hope75. I agree. Best of luck Emptyami. W

[allzwell]

This may be worth a try. On paper divided into two columns, on the top left put feelings/emotions and on the right facts. List your situation accordingly. Being guided by feelings and emotions land us into trouble, whereas listening to the facts may bring clarity.

 

Look at the posts in this forum. People give advice that is incredibly helpful, then when it comes to their problem, you can feel the tide change to a sense of desparation. With their problem, emotion sets in clouded with pain. In that setting, it's harder to take their own advice that sometimes they may have even given to others. It's human nature. thereforeeee, for all of us it's easier to give advice rather than receive it because less emotion is involved. Hopefully, if you can remove the emotional rollercoaster you might see things clearer.

 

I believe you are truly heartbroken and struggling. Remove the mental clutter and Breathe. Don't rush or let panic set in. You have time now to think. You have a child to protect, Huge Fact. Before you can protect your child, you have to protect yourself. He is a grown man and can fend for himself - your child is not grown and is Totally dependent on your stability and sanity. If your child is young it's your responsibility. If your child is older be a role model for her future behavior.

 

Don't bargain with a relationship. Why share a relationship with a man, period? There are two in a relationship, no more no less.

 

In the Bible, Jesus said beware of false prophets. Be careful of who you listen to. Jesus wouldn't have made that statement if it deception was easy to determine. Life is hard. We are all human and fail daily giving advice, accepting advice... Remember when you are feeling alone and down, Jesus felt that too. I think that's part of our reality here on earth. How we manage it is what counts in the long run.

 

With my limited knowledge of the situation, Be done with this guy. Build your immediate family unit first then allow future relationships after you feel stable. Surround yourself only with people you can introduce freely to your friends and family.

[Emptyami]

Thank you Allzwell! Its funny you should mention the last part about introducing a man freely to friends and family. He has already been introduced and they all know the situation..and in fact he took me and my daughter with him and introduced us to his family in another state and to all his friends as well here and there.

I agree with you on protecting my daughter. That is another hard area in my life. She is only 1 right now, but her father is stationed in Germany and doesnt have much to do with her. This man appears to be a really good father..I have met his daughter and they have a very close relationship...and he is so good with my daughter and it is hard for me to trust anyone around my daughter...from my career I think ive seen waaaaay to much hurt to children. I am afraid for my daughter..one I dont want a bunch of men in and out of her life...but also I am struggling trying to play mulitple roles. And i would love for her to have a real father figure in her life.

As far as sharing a relationship...you are right, I cant continue to do this. I am holding my sanity..as I have been hurt many times before and I know my baby depends on me. But inside i feel like a wreck. I am trying to steer clear of him until he can bring me the final divorce papers..but its soooo hard when he calls...or even yesterday he popped up here and brought me lunch. With me I want to be with him and to be loved so much that its like I freeze and all my strength disappears in the time that I need it to stand up and stick to my word.

[allzwell]

How old is his daughter? Is he close to your age or older??

[allzwell]

I just re-read your original post.

 

For starters, grasp that you are all you need right at this moment for you and your daughter as far as relationships go. I believe in marriage, needing father figures as role models etc. but in the situation you are presently in, you are enough. To bring in someone you have only known for 6 months and your daughter getting attached to them, then having to lose them is more devastating than not having anyone.

 

As for yourself, I can tell you feel empty. If you have a local church you attend, go to them or find one that has a ministry for single parents. You need the support from concrete sources you can touch, feel and hear on a regular basis. TV ministries have their place, but be careful who you trust. I know I am sounding redundant but being in pain and feeling empty is a dangerous place to be. You need to be surrounded by people who are grounded, responsible and who will help you to move in the right direction.

 

If you have a one year old and his children are graduating, another red flag. He is no fool and also has experience in knowing the right thing to do to "keep you hooked." Bringing lunch.... kind words..... he knows you are in pain and needy.

 

From the start this is a bad situation. He's married, the wife telling you you can have him, then she has slept with him, ... wow... this is why you are in pain and it won't go away until you are removed from this situation. There are other men that are out there, not married and maybe in a similar situation to yours. Go to the right places to find the right people. Act "on purpose" and you will know your direction because you will be your gage, not just waiting for something to happen. Your ownership will give you your self-esteem and self-worth back. 6 months is not enough time to know his heart, if he has true religious concerns about the affair... He sounds like a real player to me.

 

Point blank - do the right thing and the right things will come to you in return. Peace of mind is worth gold.

[recovering]

What I'd love to have you honestly ask yourself is this: If he cant make this marriage work, then why do you think he can make one work with you? #1 thing to look for in a potential spouse is the ability to work on problems. Clearly, he's sorely lacking in this department. His solution to marital problems is to find 'solace' in another woman. Oh, and then come back and compare notes by getting the same 'solace' with his legal wife. Ya want that kind of husband? Cuz that's exactly what he's going to be. You're allowing him to disappoint you now. Why? Why are you sending him the message that it's ok if he hurts you, you understand, you'll allow it, you'll wait for him? What kind of bed are you making for yourself?

 

Read Doug Behrendts book "He's Just Not That Into You". Blunt, but truthful. (warning: I doubt you'll find it in a Christian bookstore. Doug was one of the writers for Sex in the City.) Your situation is not unique. It is in fact, so common, that it's entirely predictable. I'll quote from his book for you... "Stop seeing each other; let him figure out his life. If he ends up staying with his wife, then you would have been that girl who was having an affair with the guy who was never planning on leaving his wife. If he does leave his wfie, then you can start a life with him not based in shame." and "Regardless of how much his marriage sucks or how awful his wife is to him, it obviously isn't that bad or he would get out of it. A good relationship should not be lived in secrecy. Go find yourself one worth living out loud." and in your own words, one that God really WILL bless!!! Stop seeing him now! Let him get his life together and come find you. If it's meant to be, nothing, NOTHING will prevent him from finding you and making you his legitimate partner in life. NOTHING!!!!!

 

We all make mistakes. The trick is, to fess up to them, to learn from them, and to better oneself as a result of them by not repeating them. This is your chance to do that. And you know it's what the Lord wants you to do. You know it in your soul, and THAT's why you're so tormented. Pray for clarity of thought right now, not for a specific outcome. The Lords will be done.

 

Good luck to you, and God Bless!

[Royltnxile]

girl you are wrong, even if you marry this man, how can you guarentee he won't find another close girl friend and cheat? Can you believe this man is a true christian when he can't follow God's word?

 

 

So, Candy, I guess the concept of "forgiveness" is no longer part of Christian principles these days? You might not think you are, but you are condemning both of these people, AND you certainly are passing judgement on them as well. Regardless of their faiths, it's a very ugly situation and she needs to walk away and have nothing more to do with this man until he is fully divorced from his wife and no longer living with her at the very least.

 

Emptyami, I liked this statement you made:

Christian or not, sometimes we all fail and fall short of the glory of God...if you gossip, if you worry, if you fear, if you curse, if you have angry outbursts, etc..then you are no better than one who commits adultery or even murder in God's eyes.

Also, we are saved by the grace of God, he knows we will fail, and thats not saying its okay to fail, but God knows our hearts.

 

So very true...and it's not "sometimes"...it's "all the time"...for the Bible tells us that we ALL fall short of the glory of God. Everyone of us. That's why the miracle of Christ is so important to all of us. Like you, I believe that God knows whats in our hearts. He knows our level of belief in him, he knows our sincerity, and he knows everything about us! I feel for the situation you are in and can appreciate how your Christian faith makes it all the more harder to deal with.

 

I'm not going to condemn you for being in the position you are in with this man, and I'm not going to spout out a bunch of scripture or scold you for your transgression. Some people's posts on this thread remind me of the kinds of people who used to make a woman wear the "scarlet letter A" on their dresses back in the day...the kind who are quick to condemn and quick to judge another. A couple of the posts on here that slam you does bring a piece of Scripture to mind...something like "why are you worried about the splinter in my eye, when you can't see the plank in your own"...or something like that!

 

Anyway, enough religion talk...let's talk about the "common sense" of your situation, regardless of your faith. You need to consider everything below:

_____________________________________________________________

 

This guy is married....ie....emotionally unavailable and unattainable! It doesn't matter how much you think that he is "meant" for you, "sent" from God, or that he is your "destiny"...the fact remains that until he is divorced and truly separated from his wife, he will remain emotionally unavailable and unattainable to you.

 

Your "relationship" with him is a fantasy, and I"m guessing that perhaps you are more hooked on the "fantasy of the potential" with this man rather than the "everyday reality of an everyday relationship". Perhaps you are attracted to his emotional unavailability at some subconscious level due to commitment or intimacy issues you may have. Have you thought about this angle?

 

Divorcing his wife is no gurantee that he will turn around and commit to you, or (as another pointed out) that he will be faithful to you. There are exceptions, but every person I know who got into a relationship with someone who was cheating on their current s/o to be with them ended up hurt when that s/o cheated on them, thus repeating their patterns.

 

How many years has he been married?

 

Has he had other affairs that you know of?

 

He may have some serious issues himself and might not want to enter into another relationship upon the demise of his current marriage. It happens all the time, the "other woman" gets the shaft because once the man gets out of his marriage, he realizes he is now truly available to play the field, or he just might not want to get into another relationship. There is always the chance that once he is out of his marriage, you will no longer appeal to him because he no longer needs an "outside interest" to distract him from his unhappy marriage. This scenario happens alot as well, and certainly you can understand why it does. "Wives" and "mistresses" are two very different things.

 

Bottom line - walk away and stay away from this man until he is truly emotionally available to you. Look to God, and look deep inside yourself and try and find out why you are so attracted to someone so emotionally unavailable to you.

[ender1]

Just so you know, that crap about my marriage is over and I'll get divorced is just a line. If you do any research on this you'll find that it is BS, and that 90% of the married guys don't even leave his wife.

 

He wants the stability of marriage, the income, and such, and then boink you on the side. Sorry, that's the reality of it. He is not man enough to end his marriage first and then pursue a realtionship. He wants to have his cake and eat it to so to speak.

 

I don't get the other woman. who would settle for such a half- realtionship. There is some major self-esteem issues here then, if that's all you think you're good enough for. There are plenty of single guys, who are unattached, and who are moral people who you could be with.

 

Also think about if the extremely remote chance he did leave his wife. What a nice way to start a relationship. He just got divorced, you think he's gonna want to get married again? Not to mention how you can think about how you can look back on your reationship and how it got started, and how much his family will appreciate you. Like I said, I don't get it. Am I one of the few people who actually think about his actions before making them?

[Human]

I am sorry that some people are judging you and labeling your situation one way or another. The last I studied religion or philosophy, there was no such thing as absolute morality. Most people realize this... For example, how else would Robin Hood have been a "hero," if morality was truly absolute? He was stealing...if morality was absolute, then he was a bad guy, not a hero. The story, however, doesn't present him that way. Again, this is because most people realize that things are not black and white... Even cross-culturally, moral values do not agree...if morality was absolute, how could there be cross-cultural differences? Shouldn't all cultures agree?

 

If people could live strictly "by the rules" and always be "right," then they wouldn't be people...

 

And not ALL people are passing judgment on you. But perhaps those who pass judgment are open to a little judgment themselves...? No offense, Candy604, but to me, often (though not always) you sound like an angry, judgmental person. You're more quick to judge and spew out dogma than you are to try and understand and empathize with the person's suffering. Empathizing doesn't mean you have to agree with all the person's thoughts and actions...but it may mean that you could state your contrary thoughts in a less than absolute, judgmental way.

[candy604]

no i'm not an angry person but I hate it when people try to justify their actions, which they know are not right, by using scriptures. How will someone change if they want to defend what they do? I understand she is suffering and she needs to get out. I guess I should have worded my words differently. Sorry about that.

[Human]

Thanks, Candy604...and I understand what you mean about rationalizing using scripture...and I can't say that Emtpyami's "interpretation" of scripture, signs, etc., makes much sense to me...

[dimples1]

I am the other woman .

Knew this cop in our town he knows everyone.

Been a cop for 26years.

His kid goes to my son's karate class.

I had an affair with him for over 1 year until deep down I had to let his wife know. I met with her privately not sure if she believed me but I e-mailed her to let her know what was going on and what he had done.

i couldn't proceed anymore.

I took him in for the last time this week and as of yesterday he has gotten back with her.

He said he would call but that never happened.He told me to leave a message on his vm at work if I wanted to reach him.Not to text him or call him since his wife would be screening his calls.

He said he missed his boys that's why he was going back.

I just saw the doctor today to get checked to make sure I didn't receive anything just in case he was seeing someone else in between.

I cried but i had to do this.

[Emptyami]

Update...wife has moved out so they are now living separately...atleast that is one step in the right direction. So I am still standing and waiting patiently at this time. I'll keep you all updated.

[amazonjudy2001]

the nice name im going to call you is home wrecker, that is what i called the women whom came into my hubbys life and gave him all the good times, but i still hung in there and showed him more then a pretty set of eyes im there when he is sick and when he is worried, im cooking and keeping our home and im the one hes comes home to each and every night that your not in a crisis

because after a short time with you it become complacated and hubbys dont kile drama, so take it from me if theres a man whom once loved his wife he can and most likly will and youll be on to another married man, why not try dating men whom done have a wife and 2 kids at home, maybe something laking in your life that you search out this kind of distructive relationship, because take it from me i have seen the other woen get the hubby and then he leaves for another women more like his wife after he tires of kiddy games and drama. good luck kid get out while you still have some dignty and get to love you then youll find somone whom can love you.

[Emptyami]

Amazonbjudy2001...okay well I feel that on your comments I need to defend myself. I dont appreciate being called a homewrecker! In the first place, even his wife told me that their marriage was over a long time before I came into the picture.

Secondly I would never want to break up any marriage or home. You cannot help who you fall in love with and if there were any chance of them working things out I would not even thought twice about being with him.

Also I dont play "kiddy" games or only offer a set of pretty eyes and fun times or whatever you may be thinking...do you know that he recently had surgery and I was the one there for him, not his wife, it was me beside him in the hospital bed and that took care of him in my home until he was better. I have went with him to all of his dr. appts, she has not. He was in a wheel chair a while ago before I met him...she wasnt there for him...his daughter even had to help him take a shower..she was not there at all. I would do anything for this man. Its not about sex, I love him very much, and If I had a home with him I would love to cook, clean, and take care of the home...his children are all grown. I am sorry that your husband was unfaithful to you, but not every "other woman" is simply out to get someone elses husband or wreck someone elses home.

I dont know your situation, but I apologize because you are obviously still hurt and filled with unforgiveness.

Also, being called Kid..drives me insane! I have been through a lot.. I too was once married. My ex husband was very abusive, emotionally, physically, and sexually, He also was very unfaithful to me and hurt me tremendously..but I dont blame the "other women" I blame him. But anyway, I have said more than I needed to say to respond to your comment. God Bless.

[gnabna]

I'm sorry but regardless of what he has said about the marriage being over it is WRONG for you to have an emotional or physical affair with a MARRIED man. He did not cheat on you with his wife. He could sleep with her every day-the marriage bed is not defiled. That is her husband. He is cheating with you not on you. God will not promise you another woman's husband. You are being led by your own emotion and flesh.

 

You spoke of David. David had severe consequences for his sin. His son died!

 

I am not trying to judge you, I promise, but as a sister in Christ it is time to flee from evil. That relationship/marriage to this man is never going to be God's best for your life. Repent. Turn away and start fresh. You will live a fuller life having made the choice to sacrifice your feelings and obey the living word of God.

 

Honestly, I think there will come a time when you are going to also have to seek forgiveness from his actual wife. You have not honored her by sneaking around with her husband. I pray you can see this, that the blinders fall off. You have been very deceived by this man. Love the Lord with your whole heart and lean not on your own understanding.

[doman]

Hello. I know it is tough for you. But you really should walk away. Don't be a factor in their splitting up...even it is falling apart on it's own, don't be an excuse for him to not work to keep them together.

 

My wife just cheated on me...three different guys, two of them married...although one of them was with the wife in the front room. It SUCKS to be cheated on.

 

At the same time, her sister is dating a married man. He has moved out...and has called it quits, but the sister didn't help. Instead of helping heal their marriage, she was busy getting what she wanted from him. Very selfish...and I hate that she is doing that to him and to the guys wife...evne if they had no hope of their own.

[dilmi_b2003]

Hi,

 

I was kind of in a similar situation and glad that I came out of it. I genuinely feel what you are going though as it is not new to me. But please remember at the end of the day the pain and confusion that you go through are not worth at all. My advise is for you to get out. Ask him to sort his outstanding matters out first and come back to you, that is if he really needs you. Sort out the divorce matters first. And then take the next step to be together with him. Him being faithful to you after marring is something that you do not know at this stage. And it is a risk you take. But if you love the man and if your heart says that you can be happy with him, I would say its worth taking the risk.

 

But without him getting the divorce you should not even see him or talk to him as it would complicate the matter more.

 

Anyway take care and good luck.

[deblez]

Please don't think that I'm being harsh. I feel that you have been lonely for so long that once you found this married man you have convinced yourself that it's the right thing to do. Why can't you wait until he ends his marriage and then be with him. That would be the "christian" thing to do. This man made vows to someone. You going to his appointments proves nothing other than he needed to convince you that his marriage was failing.

[Bethany]

As an agnostic I'd like to say... Sh** happens!.

 

Are any of you actually reading what she has just written? You're making this man out to be the devil himself, this is insane. Ok they have made mistakes and paid the price from what she said. We are human, we all make mistakes, fall for people we shouldn't, do things we regret etc.

 

Emptyami,

 

It seems to be all coming together for you. Keep doing that you are doing, be strong and let his actions speak for him from here on in. If he does not do something to prove his love for you now, then reconcider waiting for a man who possibly is never coming.

 

But I must say, it will be very difficult for him to adjust to a small child, especially one that isn't his own, at first anyway. So look out for your child and yourself first and foremost. Make sure she doesn't become to attached until you are CERTAIN that his actions back up his words and he proves that he means what he says. Good Luck, I wish you peace of mind soon.

[Alive2]

from my experience being the married man in a love affair with a fantastic BUT highly religious woman (LDS) it was also very confusing for me. I am agnostic so I don't try to trivialize life down to "10 commandments" or whatever your belief system calls for ... but every time I was with her I felt the confusion and conflict within her which made me feel very sad that I was causing this conflict (but she still wanted to be with me) ... but that confusion also made me feel less secure in the relationship with her and also threw doubt onto whether or not she would be a long term partner significantly better than my wife (i.e. I constantly compared the options available). So FWIW I'd say be consistently very direct and unwavoring in your desire & intentions and he will have absolutely no problem leaving & marrying you (I would have thrown away my 12-yr marriage to marry her if I was intellectually convinced she was emotionally stable). I know some religious pundits will disagree but the fact that he has been married for some period is a sign that he CAN be committed and the fact that another woman thought him worthy of marriage also speaks to his character (unless you believe his wife to be a complete idiot).

 

 

Good luck!