Daddy Bear Posted August 25, 2006 Share Posted August 25, 2006 scenario #1 a woman who is not sexually fulfilling her mate to his satisfaction finds porn DVDs in his drawer. option A she confronts him angrily and attempts to impose her will upon him by forbidding him to have such materials in their home. option B they discuss the disparity between his sexual needs and her willingness to satisfy them. they agree to watch the films together, and much enjoyment ensues. -------------------------------------- scenario #2 a man who is not sexually fulfilling his mate to her satisfaction (hey, it happens) finds a vibrator in her drawer. option A he confronts her angrily and attempts to impose his will upon her by forbidding such items in their home. option B they discuss the disparity between her sexual needs and his willingness to satisfy them. they agree to use the toy together, and much enjoyment ensues. what do you think, folks? A or B? which way would YOU go? and can masturbation in a relationship be a good thing by bridging the gap between one partner's sex drive and the other's lack of attentiveness to it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CarnelianButterfly Posted August 25, 2006 Share Posted August 25, 2006 What about Option C Tie him to the bed and stuff a gym sock in his mouth and use the vib on him until he finds out how much fun they can be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Honey Pumpkin Posted August 25, 2006 Share Posted August 25, 2006 Interesting thread...! And obviously B is the best way to go generally - reacting badly to your partner's erotic choices is never going to go down well. Besides, isn't porn an irregular verb? (ie it's all about your viewpoint!) *I* enjoy adult material, *You* enjoy porn, *he/she/it* is a filthy pervert" lol. I think for me, as a woman, if I found my bloke's porn, it would depend a lot on what kind of porn it was, if that makes sense. I don't personally like porn, I find it a bit clinical, gynacological and often misogynistic. I would be turned off if he liked very aggressive stuff, things I found a definite turn-off. I could cope much better at the tamer end of the market!! I would find it hard to deal with bondage videos, for example. But you're right, communication and not being judgement has to be the way to go Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beec Posted August 25, 2006 Share Posted August 25, 2006 What about Option C Tie him to the bed and stuff a gym sock in his mouth and use the vib on him until he finds out how much fun they can be. Option C sounds kind of scary. How many women would respond positively to being tied up and forced to have anal sex? I doubt many. You had better start out a little slower than that. I do see the analogy between the man having porn and the woman having a vibrator. With a woman, many seem to think that because we look at another woman, we are ready to go off and have sex with her. So, that may be different. However, many men could feel inadequate in the same way if she is using something that's twice the size of what he has for his own equipment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
helpme2 Posted August 25, 2006 Share Posted August 25, 2006 there is a difference between porn and sex toys.......if I found out he had a sex toy it wouldn't bother me as much as porn. masturbation is fine, masturbation while lusting after another woman....not so cool. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nottoogreen Posted August 25, 2006 Share Posted August 25, 2006 In a sentence: Evolution did well, culture and society mess it up. My gf and I'd go for #1B, #2B IMHO there are more silent realities. Unfit men silently find masturbation easier than being together. Unfitness is more common when 40+. Many women are unable to enjoy masturbation and silently relieve their frustrations by grumpiness or adding weight. More so when 30+. As to masturbation, my gf / I masturbate when separated for more than a week or so. Otherwise masturbation should not be needed as by evolution, women can handle as much as any guy can give. And as long as they really orgasm, it does not matter much to them whether it's once a week or twice a day. Thus, there should be no practical disparity among similar aged healthy and fit couples. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Siriana Posted August 25, 2006 Share Posted August 25, 2006 How about giving yourselfs a little bit privacy. Why there is a need to do constantly everything together. If you are in relationship you can't masturbate?! it is not wrong to use vibrators or watching some normal decent movies. The most important thing is that you: respect your partner Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scout Posted August 25, 2006 Share Posted August 25, 2006 Too black and white. What if it's not so much a matter of technique that is the problem, but rather, a lack of intimate communication and closeness that is making one of the partners start to feel like sex is just a mechanical act? Not sure that introducing more mechanical tools into the equation is the answer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RayKay Posted August 25, 2006 Share Posted August 25, 2006 Well, one I think my partner can masturbate without me interfering in the mechanics of it! I would not snoop to find it and if I did see it, would not bother him about it or raise it as an issue - unless it was of course something illegal or to point he was no longer sexual with me and chose porn first. One, if I was not sexually pleasing him I would not be surprised he turned to it more. Two, I think you should be discussing as a couple if you feel the sex life took a big downturn or is not satisfying, and that is an independent discussion from the sex toy/porn/masturbation one. Heck, people can still have those, and STILL masturbate even with a sexually fulfilling relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Relationship Coach Posted August 25, 2006 Share Posted August 25, 2006 masturbation is fine, masturbation while lusting after another woman....not so cool. How do you know who he is thinking of while masterbating without porn? Is it better to have him focus on some porn star than let's say a co-worker, neighbor or maybe your sister? Of course most women would like to think that the guy is thinking of them while masterbating but is he? RC Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daddy Bear Posted August 25, 2006 Author Share Posted August 25, 2006 great responses, guys and gals (with the possible exceptions of the irrepressible CB's "option C" and ntg's questionable assertion about the impetus behind female weight gain). let me respond to the point about the difference between porn and sex toys. the actors in porn are entirely inaccessible, and the viewer knows it. i have yet to see a porn video (or "adult marital aid video"; call it whatever you want to) in which the participants' contact details are flashed on the screen. however, someone who is masturbating without such an external stimulus, as in the case of a woman with her vibrator, could very well be fantasizing about a person whom he or she knows in real life: a co-worker, a neighbor, the companion of a friend. i put it to you: which is more of a threat to the relationship? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daddy Bear Posted August 25, 2006 Author Share Posted August 25, 2006 What if it's not so much a matter of technique that is the problem, but rather, a lack of intimate communication and closeness that is making one of the partners start to feel like sex is just a mechanical act?i believe that would be covered by the discussion aspect of the second options. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CarnelianButterfly Posted August 25, 2006 Share Posted August 25, 2006 I personally don't like the whole idea of being the thought police for my SO, I don't own him, control him, or have any rights to place restrictions on his mind. I would resent such things myself and believe that freedom is part of trust, if you don't trust someone enough to allow them freedom, is your relationship really good? Trust and accepting each other are integral parts of being in a healthy, fulfilling and respectful relationship. I know I'm probably naive sounding, I have been hurt, but not by the person I love, it took time to establish trust, which came from communication and listening. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scout Posted August 25, 2006 Share Posted August 25, 2006 i believe that would be covered by the discussion aspect of the second options. Not really, because your discussion options both include the partner giving in and using porn and toys. What if they don't want to? What if that doesn't get them off? Is the discussion still open then? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Day_Walker Posted August 25, 2006 Share Posted August 25, 2006 I believe in using everything at your disposal that is necessary and I believe that porn, sex toys and masturbation are going to play a role in relationships. I welcome this and any partner who doesnt is going to find its an up hill battle fighting me on this issue. Which will eventually lead to a break up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scout Posted August 25, 2006 Share Posted August 25, 2006 I believe in using everything at your disposal that is necessary and I believe that porn, sex toys and masturbation are going to play a role in relationships. I welcome this and any partner who doesnt is going to find its an up hill battle fighting me on this issue. Which will eventually lead to a break up. So, if you were in a relationship with someone who was lovely, kind, had all the inner qualities you wanted, was good in bed, but just wasn't into porn and toys - you'd dump her? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daddy Bear Posted August 25, 2006 Author Share Posted August 25, 2006 Not really, because your discussion options both include the partner giving in and using porn and toys. What if they don't want to? What if that doesn't get them off? Is the discussion still open then?i wasn't trying to cover all the bases of every relationship, as each is unique and different from any other. i was setting up two hypothetical scenarios, each with two hypothetical options, and asking for people to choose from among them. to introduce further parameters would be to take the discussion away from the intended topic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
helpme2 Posted August 25, 2006 Share Posted August 25, 2006 How do you know who he is thinking of while masterbating without porn? Is it better to have him focus on some porn star than let's say a co-worker, neighbor or maybe your sister? Of course most women would like to think that the guy is thinking of them while masterbating but is he? RC he tells me he thinks about me, and I choose to believe that. edit: I just realized I hadn't answered the question in the OP, sorry. I would go option B both times, but I would hope that my relationship wouldn't get so bad that I coudln't talk to my spouse about sex. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scout Posted August 25, 2006 Share Posted August 25, 2006 to introduce further parameters would be to take the discussion away from the intended topic. True. We sometimes run into the same issue when we put up our Members Sound Off, and I get frustrated with that, so sorry I just was guilty of doing the same! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Relationship Coach Posted August 25, 2006 Share Posted August 25, 2006 he tells me he thinks about me, and I choose to believe that. I was throwing that out there as a caveat to this discussion, not at you or any one in particular but I'm glad you believe what you do! RC Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
helpme2 Posted August 25, 2006 Share Posted August 25, 2006 I was throwing that out there as a caveat to this discussion, not at you or any one in particular but I'm glad you believe what you do! RC yeah, I get it. I tend to trust my husband above all others though, someone who isn't as trusting (or some would say naive) would maybe be concerned about that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daddy Bear Posted August 25, 2006 Author Share Posted August 25, 2006 i personally do not see that as naive, helpme2. you can never know what others are thinking, and i find it an infinitely wiser course of action to give them the benefit of the doubt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
helpme2 Posted August 25, 2006 Share Posted August 25, 2006 i personally do not see that as naive, helpme2. you can never know what others are thinking, and i find it an infinitely wiser course of action to give them the benefit of the doubt. I don't really think he has a reason to lie to me. We are pretty open about everything, it's not like I would leave him or something if he told me he had a fantasy about someone, nor would I really be hurt or mad, I would just wonder why you know? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daddy Bear Posted August 25, 2006 Author Share Posted August 25, 2006 True. We sometimes run into the same issue when we put up our Members Sound Off, and I get frustrated with that, so sorry I just was guilty of doing the same! apology necessary. i'm just not mentally equipped to consider every possible outcome of even those two virtually identical scenarios. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justpaisley Posted August 25, 2006 Share Posted August 25, 2006 scenario #1 a woman who is not sexually fulfilling her mate to his satisfaction finds porn DVDs in his drawer. option A she confronts him angrily and attempts to impose her will upon him by forbidding him to have such materials in their home. option B they discuss the disparity between his sexual needs and her willingness to satisfy them. they agree to watch the films together, and much enjoyment ensues. If I were not sexually satisfying my husband, and if I were to find porn DVDs in his drawer, you're darn tootin' we'd be having a little option A. I'd burn 'em right in front of him. (Of course we would then discuss why he had them, at which point we would get to the root of the problem. But this wasn't one of the given options.) There would be something very wrong with our marriage if my husband would find himself unable to come to me with honesty and openness. If he were subversive enough to go against everything in which we believe and bring home such trash, our next step would be marriage counseling. I cannot respond to scenario #2, as I'm... um... equipped and mutual enjoyment comes from my equipment. *blush* Is your question an attempt to root out what we feel is worse, masturbation while committed or lack of openness? I don't care if my husband masturbates (unless he's doing it while leering like a pervert at other women), because I can't always be around when the urge hits, but I do care if he isn't completely open with me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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