I hate myself for this

[csa39]

I cheated on my wife for a period of 7 weeks with a friend of hers --- she found out about it once I started having panic attacks and like a complete lunatic over the guilt I was feeling. This happened back in January and I still have not forgiven myself for what I've done. The sickest part of the entire thing is that I never ever thought about the consequences of my actions. It was an addiction and nothing more. We have 2 incredible boys (5 & 2) and I still cannot pull it together.

 

She filed for divorce back in February and is going after everything I have (business, home, etc......). She filed a bogus "order to show cause" to kick me out of the house (even the judge questioned why he signed it). I begged and pleaded for a second chance but she will not hear of it. My only dream in life was to be in a happy committed marriage with kids and a house. I had all of that and now it's all gone.

 

I'm not making excuses for myself -- what I did was horrible, it never should have happened and I'll regret it for the rest of my days no matter how many anti-depressants I'm on. Why am I so furious with her? I have no right to be furious with her -- do I? I've always been there for her, we built a beautiful life together and she won't even consider any form of reconciliation. She's moved on so quickly, she's so happy now. Can't people get second chances? I would do ANYTHING in the world to get her back & live with my kids again. I have no desire to be with anyone else and I don't think I ever will. I would wear a GPS tracking device so she knows where I am at every minute....I would sign document stating that if I even touched another woman she can take 100% off all my assets. I would do ANYTHING.

 

All I can say is "what the hell was I thinking". My shrink seems to think I had a manic episode (although I'm not bi-polar), but how am I ever going to forgive myself for this? I also don't think I'll ever be able to forgive her for not at least giving it one ounce of therapy of attempt to reconcile. They mean the world to me and I made a horrible mistake --- why can't that be worked on ---- or am I being completely naive.

[xprincessbugx]

You cheated on her with her friend for 7 weeks. Not just 1 time! You did it for 7 weeks. I'm sure she's heartbroken that the man she loved and built her life with did this to her and with her friend. I don't see a reason why she should forgive you.

[NeverMore]

Well, speaking as someone who has been cheated on, once you find out about it all the trust is gone. Maybe she just can't be with someone she can't trust.

 

Did the affair end because your wife found out about it? Or did it end because you ended it?

 

You have no right to be furious with her. You messed up. Most people in these situations feel guilty after the fact, and you are right, it is like an addiction.

[avman]

Well I'm afraid she's not obligated to give you a second chance. Sure it would be nice if she would, but I don't think anyone can fault her for deciding not to. And I'm afraid you really don't have any right to be getting angry with her.

 

The best thing you can do now is focus on yourself. You are getting therapy, so thats a good thing. Focus on what you can control and the actions you can take to make yourself a better person. Focus on being a good father to your children. They still need you regardless of what happens in the marriage.

 

Forgiveness for yourself will come with time.

[princess81]

I think that first you have to forgive yourself that's half of the step and then accepting that your actions have consequences not ones that you like and unfortunately you have no control over her forgiveness or how she reacts the best thing you can do right now for yourself is come full circle with what has happened maybe someday she will forgive and if not you will have the peace of knowing you forgave yourself and that the next time around you will think twice before doing something like this again. Take this time to work on your relationship with your kids because believe me that they are the innocent ones who are suffering the consequences of you actions take time let them know that no matter what your relationship with them has nothing to do with the relationship with there mom and that you will always love them and be there for them and mean it.

[Relationship Coach]

Welcome to ENA!

 

Ouch, I feel your pain but you have to realize the hurt of being cheated on. She was betrayed by two people here and you betrayed 4 people, your sons, your wife and yourself. People have affairs because they rarely think of what they are really putting at risk because they never think they will get caught! You cannot really blame her for moving on and not giving the marriage another go. You just didn't cheat, you cheated with her friend! That's very damaging versus you cheating with someone else. I know it's hard to put things in to perspective now but for your sake as well as your kids, you have too. Your boys still need a strong father and even though they are young they will feel and comprehend things way beyond what you may think.

 

As for your wife, let her go. Nothing says that you can't get back together somewhere down the road long after the hatchet has been buried. Right now there is too much pain and anger to attempt anything. Yes counseling is a good idea but not to get your wife back but to learn how to be good co-parents right now for your boys. Healing starts when you acknowledge that the relationship as you once knew it is over and adjustments in your new life are going to looking back at you in the mirror for some time to come.

 

RC

[TheRedQueen]

I understand why you must hate yourself right now. Why? Because ultimately you are the cause/perpetrator/reason of why you are suffering right now. Therapy is a good thing, you made a HUGE mistake, now what I suggest to you is to really let it sink in, feel the pain and anguish of its consequences, understand why you did it in the first place, which will then eventually lead you to forgive yourself for it (hopefully), make peace with it, then grow.

[melrich]

I agree with the others, you really cannot blame her for not forgiving you. Most would not.

 

Unfortunately we cannot undo the past and to an extent what is done is done. You need to start focussing on the future. On forgiving yourself and making good with yourself and your kids.

 

You may no longer be a husband but you are still a father. You don't have time to wallow in self pity your kids are too young and need your guidance. Get out there and be the best father you can be and start taking steps to put your life back together. Many have been in your position and they do survive.

[lozic21]

So as I was reading your post I was thinking exactly the same thing princessbug was. Its not like you made a one time drunken decision, you cheated on her for 7 weeks, with her "friend." I doubt it was an addiction either. No, it's pure selfishness. I completely agree with her actions having been cheated on myself. She can never trust you again, you knew it was wrong, yet you were too selfish and horny. You should NOT be mad at her...lol, forgive her for what? For having more respect for herself than to live with a man who cheated on her with a friend? I highly suspect it only ended because you got caught, which is even worse. You knew it was wrong when you did it, you knew what the reprocussions would be, but you chose to do it anyway.

 

I'm sorry that you feel so poorly about it, but to be honest, you should. Hopefully one day you can forgive yourself and never make this mistake again. You think you feel horrible now? Try to be the one who was cheated on and see how that feels. I know I'm being harsh but I have NO sympathy for a cheater. I do hope you can work your life out and don't let it completely ruin you, you still need to be there and strong for your children.

[yeawutever]

Hello there, I'm sorry about what you're going through, but see people aren't necessarily obligated to give second chances, even if marriage. It was really up to her and she has chosen to move on and file divorce, I'm afraid you can't do anything about it.

 

Come to think about it, with the divorce you're sparing her the burden of actually doing to couple counseling and work on the rebuilding process full of distrust. Some people chose to move on rather than live distrusting a person. I know I would not stand a minute if I had to question my SO, wouldn't make sense being in a relation with NO trust.

 

Once again, sorry it didn't go the way you wanted it, hopefully you'll learn from this experience, I hope so.

[csa39]

Thanks all for their replies. I guess I am just so disgusted with myself that I can either turn my anger inwards (depression) or turn it outwards --

 

I know I have to heal myself first before I can be a good father to my children -- I'm still working on that. I just can't believe that I could be so stupid. I remember 3 times in my life (in my early 20's) when I've had opportunities to be with girls but I knew they were in a relationship. I ran away quickly because I could never do that.

 

Now I take the greatest thing in my life and destroy it over what? It just doesn't make any sense.

 

Doesn't remorse mean anything? Doesn't our past history together mean anything? I'm sorry - but I still don't understand how someone cannot even make an attempt at reconciliation. I repented, GOD forgave me already, I still cry on a daily basis. I can honestly say that if she were the one that cheated I would NEVER just walk away. If she were willing to cut off ties with the person 100% and beg for forgiveness and go to therapy 3x's week I would at least give it a shot.

 

BTW - the affair ended about 1 month before she found out. I ended it. Not that it makes any difference.

[vesper]

....maybe she showed her true colors in the face of adversity here and that was basically zero tolerance policy. I guess maybe you did not know her as well as you thought you did and by testing her she showed her true self.

 

There is nothing you can do now except move on. Its disappointing when the people we love hurt us, that's for sure.

[melrich]

People's responses to things like this usually go to their value systems. I would say that she inately is strongly connected to trust and loyalty. Nothing you can do to change that.

 

Some people might forgive, others won't. Given what you did I actually think less would forgive than not forgive.

[Rabican]

 

Doesn't remorse mean anything? Doesn't our past history together mean anything? I'm sorry - but I still don't understand how someone cannot even make an attempt at reconciliation.

BTW - the affair ended about 1 month before she found out. I ended it. Not that it makes any difference.

 

maybe shes thinking the same thing. Did he forget all the good times we had, doesnt our relationship mean anything, is our past history all for nothing HOW ELSE COULD HE DO THIS TO ME. Look at it from her point of view. You commited relationship no no number one pal, and now you are paying for it.

[yeawutever]

Yea, some people do stick to "zero tolerance policy" on cheating, lying, abuse, and she's one of them. You have to remember that NOT all women (or men) forgive, thus the choices is ours.

However, you can still see your children. Even with a divorce, you still have your rights as the father. But first, like other poster suggested, so go to counseling to figure out what went wrong.

[n83]

It honestly sounds lke you have some anger issues towards your wife that were manifested in the affair. You could have found anybody to cheat with, why did you cheat with her friend? The choice shows a blatant disrespect towards her.

 

That being said, other posters have it right, she is not obligated to work it out with you at all, but I think she should try because there are kids involved. Maybe you could try to write her a letter asking her to please consider one last shot, for the sake of your kids. Your children will be permanently scarred by this divorce, whether you or your wife wants to think of it like that or not. It will affect their future dating choices and even their own self image... research proves that the effects on children of divorce are severe and far reaching, even in so-called "friendly" divorce situations... So try to talk to her reasonably. If she doesn't go for it, then at least you'll know you tried.

[csa39]

Believe me, I've tried that. I've tried to tell her to consider the kids and the affect that this would potentially have on them and she is convinced that they are 100% fine and will be much better off without us living together. Maybe she's right. I, of course, disagree with her. I can't beg anymore, I can't try to make amends, my family absolutely hates her because she's literally trying to destroy them in the process (joint property where my parents live she's trying to force the sale of it). It's by far the most pain and anguish I've ever experienced in my life -- I've lost 50lbs and can barely function anymore knowing that I'm responsible for all of this. I know I have to forgive myself and move on, keep busy and keep positive. I went crazy and ruined my life in the process. I guess people do get past this but I just don't see how --- hopefully someday I will.

[madatmyself]

I am currently divorced, two kids. I cheated (long affair with neighbor) on my wife and had so much guilt that I moved out and then she filed for divorce. We should of gone to counselling. We had many problems in our relatioship, number one was drinking. I have tried numerous times to get us to goto counselling, she says she has moved on. I am currently going to counselling. The thing is she left me 9 years ago and 3 weeks after she moved out I caught her in bed with a friend with my son by my side. I forgave her and gave her a second chance. We got back together and had a daughter. The problem was we did not goto counselling when we got back together and we should of. We just hit the bars and drank it away. I want a second chance but she now has the house, child support, alimony so she figures why have me. I was just a paycheck. I love this woman very much and want to show her that I can be a great husband. I know I am a great father, she tells me that. I want my family back and I do not know how to get them back.

[csa39]

I feel for you - I really do. I am having such a hard time finding posts of people who had affairs and truly regretted it --- most of the time, I just read that the husband/wife had an affair and just moved out. I know I am a great father as well (she's told me that so many times)......I am having such a hard time being a 'real' father without my family. I am in your exact shoes my friend....I want my family back and I don't know what to do and deep down inside I know it will never happen.

[fishrrshortae]

Sounds like you need a good lawyer and a ton of counseling. Ask her point blank: Would she be willing to attend counseling with you? I'm NOT talking about marriage counseling, but just regular counseling for both of you for the sole purpose of being able to work together to raise your kids. She cannot have such hostility towards you as a parent, it will end up making your kids suffer.

[csa39]

Well I already have the lawyer since February & of course it's draining me financially. I am the one that needs the counseling but now I can't really afford it. Just seeing her in counseling is going to put me over the edge - I just know it will. I'll turn it into a marriage counseling session. She doesn't really have hostility towards me as a parent and indicated that I can see the kids as often as I like --- but she puts her own restrictions on it (actually her lawyer pulled a quick one on me). I can only visit them if there is another person present in the house (which there most always is anyway). I am also living with my parents now which is absolutely horrible --- having the kids here is a nightmare to say the least. I need heavy meds and intense counseling - I have no doubt. I'm working on restoring my faith in GOD and reading as much as possible on this -- everything happens for a reason, it may be a black cloud to me right now, for months or even years to come but something good will come of this. It has to.

[candy604]

wow...that's so crazy what is happening.

 

I don't believe everything happens for a reason though. you made a choice knowing it was agaisnt what is said in the bible. It already explicity said don't cheat. Ask for forgiveness from God and one day your ex-wife will hopefully forgive you but just move on with your life.

 

Sorry your going through such a hard time though.

[candy604]

Doesn't remorse mean anything? Doesn't our past history together mean anything? I'm sorry - but I still don't understand how someone cannot even make an attempt at reconciliation. I repented, GOD forgave me already, I still cry on a daily basis. I can honestly say that if she were the one that cheated I would NEVER just walk away. If she were willing to cut off ties with the person 100% and beg for forgiveness and go to therapy 3x's week I would at least give it a shot.

 

BTW - the affair ended about 1 month before she found out. I ended it. Not that it makes any difference.

 

 

every person is different and reacts differenty and maybe it was too much for her to take. I mean if it happened to you, you can't really say you'd give her a chance b/c you don't know how it would feel.I think also b/c it was her friend too, i mean that's horrible!

 

but get yourself off the ground, continue to grow and learn and hopefully she will see you've changed etc..and just be the greatest dad to your children.

[hotsands]

Then WHY did you do it? If you care so much about her and your boys, why can't you keep it in your pants? WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY???

[CheerfulSprocket]

So I am in agreement with most of the posters here - you've made a big mistake and it's very admirable that you're making positive changes in your life. I totally support that and hope you continue to move forward.

 

Because it seems to bother you so much that your wife didn't want to pursue any kind of attempt at reconciliation, I just want to maybe bring up some ideas of why. Let's break it down:

 

1. You cheated. A bright-line, deal-breaker for most people I know, including myself. As noted in another post, for a lot of people, it's a measure of a person's self-respect and self-love to not accept this in one's life. Seems completely valid to me.

 

2. You cheated for a LONG time with HER FRIEND. Adds an additional layer of hurt, insult, disrespect, and distrust.

 

3. Maybe the reason that your wife doesn't want to try reconciliation is because in addition to the cheating, there were other things going on your relationship that she wasn't happy about and this was the last straw.

 

I have to admit, to me, your posts come off as very self-absorbed with an "I'm the victim here" attitude and sense of entitlement - YOU cheated for 7 months with her friend, but you're complaining about how angry you are that she won't take you back, that the lawyer fees are draining you, that you need to get therapy but can't afford it, that you have limits on how/when you can see your kids, that you have to live with your parents. All these things that you're complaining about are due directly and wholly to your actions. You have no right to any expectation of anything different, in my opinion.

 

4. Maybe she disagreed with your definition of love. You say, if she really loved you, she would try to work things out, and because she didn't, you are angry and upset and question her love for you. However, this goes back to number 3 above - why is it always about you? Why isn't it completely valid for her to think, gee, my husband cheated on me, which indicates that he doesn't love me in the way that I value love - because if he really loved me, he wouldn't cheat on me for 7 months with my friend. See numbers 1 and 2 above.

 

And I really hope you don't take this as post-hoc personal attack on you - I'm trying to give you feedback so that you can maybe get some more clarity on the situation and move forward positively. You've got to do what you can, in the best way possible, to mend the fences with your wife. But if she's not willing than you have to respect that choice and find another way to be with her in the future since she's the mother of your children. Plus, you need to work this out in the best way possible, to show your kids how to live a respectful and honorable life. You know? I think the fact that you're here and asking for help and trying your best to increase self-awareness is a great thing, and if nothing else, despite your losses, this is a gain in your life.

 

Spro