Question for men who haved lived with someone

[SarahRose]

Want input from the men here.

 

If you have been in a ltr; say more than 2 years, and you didn't marry her, why didn't you?

 

Same question for men who have lived with a woman. If you lived with a woman and didn't marry her, what were the reasons you did not marry her?

 

Thanks!

[DN]

I have been married for a long time but from conversations and observation I can tell you that many men are not scared of marriage - they are scared of divorce.

[Spugly Fuglet]

GF 1 : was going to marria aftre year 3 but was dumped for best mate

GF 2 : marriage was there but never did even after 7 years

GF 3 : marriage was there from te start did it after 1 year best thing ever.

 

Its all down to who your with and kids

[NJRon]

I have been married for a long time but from conversations and observation I can tell you that many men are not scared of marriage - they are scared of divorce.

 

That hits it on the head.

[Scout]

I can tell you that many men are not scared of marriage - they are scared of divorce.

 

Yep, I agree with that for sure.

[tictactoe2006]

1) got engaged, but after about 7 months she became so mean that I broke it off

2) Did get married, after 2 1/2 years her boyfriends moved her out and we divorced, she put me in a nice hole. Thanks, New England Democrats, for the family court system (sarcasm)

 

One of the first posters here hit it on the head: not scared of marriage, but of divorce.

[Hope75]

Hi SarahRose,

 

Just curious... what makes you ask? Are you living with someone now?

[FreeYourMind]

I've been with my gf for 6 years, have 1 child with her and we're not married. She's pushing for it form time to time and I know she would love it if we could get married right now but I am not in a hurry and I still have a couple of years to think about it.

 

I don't believe in marriage, so many people say they will love each other for ever and then some time later they just file for divorce because it's so damn easy to break those vows. For me it means nothing to be married or not so why should I get married? Anyway that's my 2 cents and it doesn't mean I don't love my gf or want to stay for a really long time with her, I'm not keeping my "options open" by not marrying her, I just don't feel it's necesssary because I'm already giving what a husband give to his wife and more.

[now_better]

freeyourmind, totally agree. ex would want to talk about getting married and about getting married in the near future, but to me a) i was still a graduate student, b) didn't have much money, c) i feel mid-20s is kind of young to get married, d) didn't see what the rush was. we were going to get married eventually and live life together forever. together forever... do you need anymore reassurance than that? but women are funny people, i guess no ring means you don't "love them enough" or are "committed enough" so it means it's okay to look for greener grass. oh well, her loss, my gain.

[SarahRose]

Hi SarahRose,

 

Just curious... what makes you ask? Are you living with someone now?

 

 

Hi Hope! No, not living with anyone. Just curious is all.

[hardcharger]

it's pretty simply, they say married people have more sex! overall, probably true. works for me.

[cnotes]

SarahRose its because

 

1) live in gf's stay fit, wives do not

2) live in gf's give head all the time, wives are too tired

3) live in gf's cook all the time, wives do but complain about it

4) live in gf's have their own money, wives take yours

5) divorce (should be #1)

 

most reasons for getting married center on the woman being happy and secure. Men these days would rather just live the life without the legal BS to trap them for life.

 

Another good question would be, why do wives HAVE to get married?? Can't they just live their life out with their partners without all the legal mumbo jumbo??

[SarahRose]

most reasons for getting married center on the woman being happy and secure. Men these days would rather just live the life without the legal BS to trap them for life.

 

Another good question would be, why do wives HAVE to get married?? Can't they just live their life out with their partners without all the legal mumbo jumbo??

 

So if that is the case of not wanting to be trapped, then you don't mind her keeping her options open do you? It's ok if she dates other men then right?

[Aschleigh]

As a women I feel being married kicks up the committment level a notch.

I would be happy to live with someone with the possibility of marriage in both of our minds.

The legal BS is actually very benificial to children if the relationship doesn't work out. I learned that the hard way , my parents weren't married. Although together for 10 years, I was born after 5. My Dad split and getting child support from him was impossible , since he moved states. Finally , like 11 years later, he got a job with a federal agency and they garnished his wages.

Marriage protects kids. marriage says to friends and family, this is a formal contract to love and honor each other, not just fun shacking up together anymore. Marriage strengthens some relationships, weakens others.

[ozomega]

I've been married more than once for a total of 16 years so I guess I'm qualified to give my views re this topic. (BTW In my experience there is definitely a lot LESS sex after marriage!)

 

Also my experiences suggest that women try less hard to please their

partners after marriage. Whilst I always believed in marriage and commitment and used to frown on men who lived with their girlfriends long-term and refused to "commit", I would say following my own experiences that from a male perspective marriage these day does not benefit the man.

 

Whilst feminists used to say that marriage was an institution that enslaved women, I feel that the opposite is now the case. These days women don't have to "love honour and obey" their husbands. Whilst I agree about the "obey" bit not applying in today's egalitarian society, it seems that not only are we not enforcing the "obey" part any more but as a society we are not taking the "love" and "honour" part of the contract seriously either! A classic case of first undermining the principle and then turning the principle totally on it's head?

 

Have we thrown the proverbial baby out with the bathwater when it comes to marriage? Men used to feel more secure in marriage in previous generations because they had the right to demand their wife honoured them and even obeyed them-not very fair for the women maybe, "oppressive" perhaps by today's standards - but in return the husband not only loved his wife and honoured her, but he used to be the provider. And most marriages worked.

 

These days society has changed and both partners need to work, and it's not acceptable for a man to demand that his wife "obey" him. Fine. Very politically correct and enlightened. But don't expect men to want to rush into marriage...

 

I am seriously starting to question whether marriage is an outmoded institution. And this is from a guy who used to really believe in marriage. As for protecting kids-what is worse for kids, having a mum and dad who are still together and happy-although they are not legally married - or living with one or other parent, shunted back and forth, following a messy separation or divorce?

 

Marriage is not always forever anymore - just look at the divorce statistics! Marriage is no guarantee of lifelong love or fidelity. People know that divorces aren't hard to get, so where's the point for a man if getting married doesn't give him ANY means to ensure the wife keeps HER side of the marriage vows...but woe betide HIM if he tries to avoid HIS financial commitments to "support" HER -even after the divorce, and even if she was the one who wanted to divorce in the first place!?

 

In Jesus' time adulteresses were stoned to death. A bit extreme I admit. These days there is NO recourse if a wife is unfaithful to her husband. Marriage doesn't preclude her from doing what she wants - morality is unenforceable. It's like having a law with no penalty for breaking it. What person would respect such a law if it didn't suit them?

 

I think the earlier respondent hit the nail on the head-many men are scared of DIVORCE, dead right! Because divorce is too easy to get and a wife's marriage vows are IMPOSSIBLE to enforce. Yep-it's definitely DIVORCE combined with the fact that marriage imposes legal responsibilities on men but confers no real enforceable rights for men.

 

More and more men simply don't see the benefit to them of entering into such a one-sided "contract". It often seems to men that woman behave as if a wife (or a woman in general) has the God-Given right to "change her mind" about her solemn commitments any time she feels like it. After all, she's a woman, it's her "right" and no man can dictate to her what she wants to do. Fine. But the man has NO right to demand that his wife continue to give him what he needs if she no longer feels like it - just read these threads and see what effect that has on the husband! And if a MAN "changes his mind", he is a dishonourable BAD MAN for "breaking his word." No excuses there. He doesn't have that same God-Given right to "change his mind" and thereby evade his responsibilities just because he is a MAN.

 

It's no wonder many guys feel it's better not to enter into such a one-sided "contract" in the first place. Then, if they are no longer getting what they want from the realationship they can just walk away with no repercussions and no guilt.

 

Marriage should be a mutual contract based on love and understanding.

But just try enforcing that in today's society! The only thing that's enforceable about it these days is the alimony!

 

My cousin lived with a guy for 6 years, had two lovely kids and they were happy. She pressured the guy to marry her "for the kids" and to "make an honest woman of her" and eventually he relented and they were married. Within 6 months he'd left and was with another woman. And I've seen this kind of thing so many times with so many couples. I've seen a lot of guys complaining how the sex used to be great and the relationship was fantastic prior to marriage and how afterwards their wives just didn't make an effort any more. Sorry ladies, I know it's hard to hear it but it's so often true - many women become slobs after marriage! Every guy has seen this happen to other guys and he's scared half to death! Who wants to risk their beautiful, loving affectionate girlfriend turning into an inconsiderate unaffectionate slob?

 

Marriage doesn't guarantee commitment and my advice would be, if you are in a long-term faithful relationship with a guy and you are both happy consider yourself fortunate, because many marriages are not so good for either party. Don't spoil your wonderful relationship by pressuring him to marry you if he isn't ready or if it's not a mutual preference. If it aint broke don't fix it! And if your relationship is less than perfect BEFORE marriage, getting married will NOT fix it!

[clueless454]

i've been in a relationship for nearly 13yrs with a child and he wont get married....i would like the commitment but then again he may have strayed a couple of times over the years (when i was pregnant & in the first year our daughter was born) which he doesn't know that i know. i think he thinks that he's not good enough because i have been completely faithful and treat our relationship like a marriage. don't get me wrong marriage would be nice but i agree with ozomega If it aint broke don't fix it! i would never walk away from our relationship, i would try to sort it out. marriage isn't everything being happy is.

[tictactoe2006]

SarahRose its because

 

1) live in gf's stay fit, wives do not

2) live in gf's give head all the time, wives are too tired

3) live in gf's cook all the time, wives do but complain about it

4) live in gf's have their own money, wives take yours

5) divorce (should be #1)

 

most reasons for getting married center on the woman being happy and secure. Men these days would rather just live the life without the legal BS to trap them for life.

 

Another good question would be, why do wives HAVE to get married?? Can't they just live their life out with their partners without all the legal mumbo jumbo??

 

EXCELLENT post! And hits it right on the head. why get married, it's jsut an excuse to let a woman ruin your life after her ex boyfriends come back around. Forget that, live your life, enjoy yourself, you will be much happier.