empty421 Posted August 21, 2006 Share Posted August 21, 2006 I cant handle this. I'm about to have a complete breakdown and I cant take it. As much as I wish I was able to do NC.. I can't...whenever I tell myself im going to try i breakdown a few hours later and call/pick up because I am miserable. How do I cope with this. How do I actually not call? He tells me he wants to be with me but he needs time.... but then he calls me or he calls me baby and tells me he loves me... I am so confused... I feel like he dosent care about my feelings.. he knows how this is affecting me, yet he only cares about what he wants... I would think after over three years he would give me some kind of say... at least a chance to really talk to him... im hysterical right now and I dont know how I can handle NC... im too weak for that right now.. I dont know how to make myself feel better... what do i do?? I'm at the point where I want to take sleeping pills so that I can sleep and not think, its the only time I am in peace. I barely eat because im not hungry and I constantly feel sick. How do I do this? How? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rose2summer Posted August 21, 2006 Share Posted August 21, 2006 Empty, Hugs to you. He is holding you on a thin string, telling you that he needs time but that he also wants to be with you. I find that to be very disconcerting. He is keeping you on the back burner while he may be searching for another woman. He will have you as his back up plan. Look at it this way, if he really loved you, wouldn't he be with you now. Love doesn't take breaks! Cut the sleeping pills, they can be very addictive, instead try drinking some warm milk before going to bed and read a boring book, I have some good suggestions of boring books. With time, your pain will subside. We are here for you, and as cliche as it sounds, your are not alone. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
empty421 Posted August 21, 2006 Author Share Posted August 21, 2006 please... i am losing control Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
empty421 Posted August 21, 2006 Author Share Posted August 21, 2006 thank you rose... i honestly dont think he is looking for someone else.. this happened a week ago but it has been a week from hell for me... I feel so lost and like there is no end in sight... i just want something to look forward to... I think he dosent mean to call me baby.. just habit but it kills me when he does.. if i cant handle NC how am i supposed to give him space... and what about when he calls me... i dont want him to think i gave up because I havent Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rose2summer Posted August 21, 2006 Share Posted August 21, 2006 The same thing happened to me, my ex said he wanted some space, I found his profile on an online dating site during this time, while we were still together. The same may be happening to you, he is searching for others. My ex calls me baby all of the time too, ugh, I think it's degrading. You can handle NC, you need to force yourself to. When he calls, don't answer. You need to give up, he doesn't want to be with you, I am so sorry to tell you that, but it's the truth. I know the pain is unbearable, trust me, I was there not long ago, but it will lessen with time. The more you hold on, the harder the break-up will be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
empty421 Posted August 21, 2006 Author Share Posted August 21, 2006 he is one of those people who has no problem telling it like it is... he would tell me if he was completely done with the relationship.. yet he tells me he just needs to be alone right now...he is very busy and is in his last week of the fire academy and is constantly studying for the state test.. one of his friends also passed away this weekend... cant it be true that he really just cant deal with the situation right now... cant i have some hope Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robowarrior Posted August 21, 2006 Share Posted August 21, 2006 You need to change from a woman who loves so much that it hurts, into a woman who loves herself enough to stop the pain. Would someone who really loved you bring you THIS much distress? If you'd look closer you'd see he doesn't love you but just is manipulating your feelings making you 'think he loves you' But you already have your answer, he says i love you just to get what he wants, and not because he cares, and this is causing great hysteria with you because your life is being engulfed with darkness, on a place where you expected him to bring happyness. Honestly you have to say to yourself ' STOP to here and no further' end this pain, replace this person with someone who really REALLY cares for you, you need to get your head out of space and look at realitiy. Realistically he does not care for you. *slaps you in the face* back in to reality. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
empty421 Posted August 21, 2006 Author Share Posted August 21, 2006 im starting NC right now... im going to need help but i have to do it... i guess ill find out his true intentions in time.. this is going to kill me... day 1 starts now... how will i cope? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jman311 Posted August 21, 2006 Share Posted August 21, 2006 Empty, I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through. I know that what would seem like the smallest things like being called 'baby' by your ex can have such a profound effect on your emotions in this situation ... I remember my ex doing the same to me after she broke up with me, it killed me. But I have learned since then you HAVE to stay out of contact with him, nothing you say or do, any pleading or anything will help the situation especially if he says he needs space. Give him space, or more importantly, give yourself space from him, free yourself from the controls he has over your feelings he has now. You have to find a way to keep yourself busy and your mind occupied as best you can, and find how to be happy with yourself apart from him. I know you might feel like you're going crazy sometimes but I promise you you will heal eventually, especially if you stay out of contact with him. After months of even minimal contact with my ex and driving myself insane I realized the only way for me to heal was to really cut off contact. The lack of appetite and feelings of sickness you have are normal, you are heartbroken ... but ask any number of people on this board and they will all agree you will survive, you will get better, and you can be stronger. Rose2summer said it well, the more you hold on the harder it will be. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
loveisaparadox Posted August 21, 2006 Share Posted August 21, 2006 I totally know what you are feeling, I have been there, on and off, for over a year now. Ultimately, we can't really know what the other person is thinking, experiencing, if they are telling the truth, etc. But then this really isn't about the other person, it is about you, and how you choose to deal with this crisis starting right now. Believe me, if he wants to be with you, he will reach out. You are a strong, dignified, good person. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jman311 Posted August 21, 2006 Share Posted August 21, 2006 Believe me, if he wants to be with you, he will reach out. SUCH good advice. It only took me 6 friggin' months to really figure that one out. ](*,) Keep repeating that in your head over and over and over... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jman311 Posted August 21, 2006 Share Posted August 21, 2006 this is going to kill me... It won't kill you, I promise. It absolutely will feel like that sometimes, but it will not... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
empty421 Posted August 21, 2006 Author Share Posted August 21, 2006 thank you so much loveisparadox... you made me feel better... i just really need support through this... this is so hard for me... but im not calling... im going to do this Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
empty421 Posted August 21, 2006 Author Share Posted August 21, 2006 thank you all...it really means a lot to me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lozic21 Posted August 21, 2006 Share Posted August 21, 2006 Hey, I was just like you about a week or so ago...its seems SOOO difficult the first few days especially(at times it still is tough, but it's only been like a week and a half for me) But once you get to one day NC you will definitely be proud of yourself, and it makes you think that you CAN do it, it didn't kill you even though it hurt like heck. I actually have my mental calander down to the hour that I last talked to my ex...once it hits that time of day, I feel less powerless because I made it one more day, and it gets easier. Just know that if you DO talk to him, you may relieve some anxiety temporarily, but a while later you will feel worse, because you gave in...especially if he doesn't answer. However if you can fight the urge, you will feel better about yourself in the long run. Whenever I feel the strong urge to email him, or respond to his mails or calls, I get on here and read posts etc. It helps to take your mind off of it and makes time pass quicker. Hang in there, it gets better, most of us have been in the same shoes you're in, and a lot are still struggling with NC from day to day. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dogheadma Posted August 22, 2006 Share Posted August 22, 2006 I've been there too. I spent a year with someone who was extremely abusive. Walking away and never looking back was one of the most painful experiences I have ever had to deal with. But I did it. It hurt like hell, I felt very confused and alone. I had to look at what reasons I had to allow myself to be in such a bad relationship. But I survived and ultimately it made me stronger as a person. You can always turn here for support. There's always someone here who will listen to you. Just make sure you take really good care of yourself, have a good cry and then start doing things to keep your mind off of it. Spend time with friends & family. Be sure to exercise daily and eat right. Maybe there are some hobbies that you've thought about trying. Now is the perfect time to start. Be strong and let time pass. You will heal. Stay positive, you are a really good, strong person who is leaving her pain in the past. Don't forget that! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
empty421 Posted August 22, 2006 Author Share Posted August 22, 2006 im really glad i found this site.. i felt very alone and I now know that I'm not... thank you for your support and if any of you just need someone to talk to I am here for you as well... getting through something like this is so much easier with people who understand what you are going through and people who have gone through it and triumphed even though you may have never met them... my theory is that everything happens for a reason, even though we may not know what that reason is... i just walked my dog around the neighborhood... i may even eat dinner today... i feel good about my decision for now... thank you for lifting me up... but there is still that damn thing called hope... i wish it would just go away... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
empty421 Posted August 22, 2006 Author Share Posted August 22, 2006 i ate... but now i want to talk to him... how do you guys keep your mind off of it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shelly7 Posted August 22, 2006 Share Posted August 22, 2006 I would go online a lot!! I too have a dog that gets walked a lot! Remember don't bring the cell! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Irishman Posted August 22, 2006 Share Posted August 22, 2006 Hi, so sorry to hear about your dilema, believe me I'm still in one and only after three weeks....I initiated NC after getting onto this forum...it's really helping me alot...me ex has called me twice with no message recently as yesterday...it's so hard not to call back...but I have to do this for me and of course to let her know what she's missing...write him a letter, read it, then destroy it...I've done this lots of times..about the sleeping, I know it's hard, thinking all the time..I couldn't even eat anything...I know what it's like...go out with friends...staying at home by yourself is miserable.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lozic21 Posted August 22, 2006 Share Posted August 22, 2006 I either go out with friends or just get on here...I also recently got on aim for the first time in MONTHS! It really helped to talk to others and took my mind off him (he even wrote me an e mail saying "i love you, please talk to me baby" while i was on aim and it wasn't so hard to not answer him because I was busy talking to a few other people!) Plus, I know the second I reply to his e mail he will find comfort in that and not write me back for a couple days, which KILLS me inside...but not sitting around waiting for him to email or call is getting easier. Do you have other friends to go out with at night? Thats the time when it's hardest for me.. Exercizing also makes you feel A LOT better! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
empty421 Posted August 22, 2006 Author Share Posted August 22, 2006 i still check my cell every so often.. i think it would just give me some kind of satisfaction if he calls... but i just started this so hopefully ill start checking it less and less... i have friends, but most of them are in relationships and dont have time... one of my friends and I may do something tomorrow night though... so we will see what happens... once again thank you soo much for all your support... all of you have no idea how much you are helping me... its getting pretty hard right now and i may try to sleep soon but its pretty difficult with all these thoughts racing through my head... its funny... when i was with him and i thought it would last forever and nothing like this would ever happen, i actually THOUGHT that being single again would be fun and that if we broke up i would be OK with it... never was i so wrong... i guess we all want what we cant have.... i just wish i could really understand why this is happening... i really feel like half of me is missing... we were going to move in together in the next few months, we talked about our future, we were unstoppable, and then all that was gone... i really want to know why...why now? i cant believe this is happening Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
empty421 Posted August 22, 2006 Author Share Posted August 22, 2006 i just have to keep thinking.. if he loves me, he will come back Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sillygurl Posted August 22, 2006 Share Posted August 22, 2006 Hey empty! I know EXACTLY how you feel, it's so terribly lonely... Here are some things to think about: - try not trying not to think about him! If I tell you not to think of a pink elephant, you can't think of anything else. All you can do is think of other things, focus on distracting yourself for a minute...soon that minute turns into two, then three, then ten... -if he asked for space, and you love him, GIVE IT TO HIM! You said he tells it like it is, so he's asking you for what he needs from you right now. If you told him you needed something, and he disregarded your needs, wouldn't you feel annoyed that he disregarded your needs? Give him what he asked for, respect his needs and honesty! -if you beg, plead, cry and he takes you back because he's giving in, he will lose respect for you for it. I've been there- you'll constantly be second guessing yourself, waiting for him to drop another bomb...and he may not be so honest about his needs next time, asking you for space, he may just decide to go get some space...remember that! You want a relationship with him, not a one-sided battle for control. -sleeping pills can make you gain weight! Don't take them! If you need to sleep, throw yourself into something physically exhausting, wear yourself out. Take your dog hiking, whatever you have to do. I started skating...focusing on not falling down distracted me from thinking about him and toned me right up. Now I am hotter than ever, and he admired my new muscles... Yeah! Trust me, it will get better. I was where you are a few weeks ago, I felt like I was dying in side, I couldn't sleep, my work suffered... Do something constructive: laundry, clean something, organize something, balance your checkbook, read a new book, anything you can to keep your mind occupied. You can do it!!! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
empty421 Posted August 22, 2006 Author Share Posted August 22, 2006 thank you so much i really needed to hear that.. i know its all true but my heart tells me otherwise... but i think my mind is starting to be in control.. i love skating.. i should start doing that again... its been a long time... im giving him space now... its all up to him from now on... if he wants to fix things then he will if he dosent then he wont, no matter what i do... im trying to come to terms.. everytime i start to feel bad again someone on here makes me feel better... i should just stay on here all day... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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