A disaster

[CheerfulSprocket]

Hi RW,

 

I just wanted to say that I hear you. I think all of us, women AND men, have felt variations of what you've expressed at some point in our lives. I mean, even if the reality is otherwise, it's just the pits to feel rejected and/or that you're just not good enough. So I totally feel you. And I also applaud you for making efforts to embrace some more positive change in your life recently. That's awesome! This encounter with the jerk is merely a minor blip on your way to greater happiness, I know it! And more importantly, even though you're super down now, I think deep down inside, you know it too. You know what you need and what you've implied is that maybe what you need now is not to be so invested in dating but to invest in yourself. This is also what several others have suggested and which seems to be really spot-on advice. So take care of yourself and don't let negative thinking/talking keep the REAL you down and out.

 

Sprocket

[shes2smart]

So, this morning, I'm having a little breakfast and reading my eating disorder recovery book du jour (it's a weird little quirk...I like to read my ED recovery stuff when I'm eating...), and I came accross this. I thought of your situation when I read this paragraph, even though your situation has nothing to do with ED....

 

From "Nourishing Wisdom" by Marc David

Perhaps the most common behavior born out of fear is the search for immediate solutions, quick-fix methods to alleviate anxiety but provide only temporary relief. Because lasting solutions require self-reflection, sincere effort, and time, we often grow impatient and want change now. We turn to whatever will help us forget the pain we experience in the moment. Anything we do can function as a temporary relief -- sports, exercise, work, relationships, movies, sleep or eating. Of course, nothing is inheirently wrong with any of these; it is simply a matter of how we use them.

[renaissancewoman101]

Thank you all for your kind words. I sat up thinking last night and I am starting to realize that I am probably not ready to go dating right now. It was just that I was doing so well the last few weeks, making progress towards getting my life together (getting therapy, meds, etc) that I thought it was good to venture out into the dating world because I was feeling good about myself. Yesterday was a rude awakening and I dont think I am at all ready for this. My self-esteem took a blow yesterday even though I really wasnt into the guy either. I dont handle rejection really well. It brings back the words my mom used to always say to me about why she was ashamed of me.

 

The funny thing is the last time I quit online dating was after meeting a string of failures from online dating, one of which I dated about 3 months and that was a whole piece of hell. Sometimes I think online dating is where we find all the rejects and weirdos.

 

When I first met the guy yesteday, I wasnt really attracted to him or anything like that. I am not hurt from the standpoint that I WANTED to date him, but more from the standpoint that it was a rejection and that it was because I did not fit his image of an "Asian" woman and because of my height. Those issues bring up a lot of pent up emotions because of what my mother told me growing up "that I was an embarrassment to her and that I would never find anybody"

 

As I grew up, I realized that people did like me and enjoyed being friends with me. One day, after hearing those words from my mother, I got the courage and told her to her face "you know what, people like me and people are friends with me despite my height". You know what she said, she told me that "yeah, they only PRETEND to like you, people lie and you CANT trust them, they'll hurt you in the end, unlike your parents".

 

Yeah, my mom is like that. Bitter and angry.

 

Sheyda, I dont feel like I have a life because, since I've moved out here, I have only made a few friends. I dont really have a social life. I spend most of my time doing stuff alone or up with my folks or with T (although I dont do that anymore). I start school in Sept. which I am looking forward to because that will help me with loneliness.

[Beec]

RW,

 

It went bad. Sorry to hear that. Since I saw your ad, I really hope it was not your height, because your height was given in the ad. You're short, nothing I or anyone else can do will change that. And you pricture was posted, which clearly shows you are not waifish. Only Stevie Wonder could look at your picture and she that you have "womanly" features, some calls them breasts. Most waifs don't have those. If this oaf was such an idiot to look at your picture and listed height, and then have an issue with either, you are better off not dating such a brainless ("f"explicit deleted).

 

I online dated quite a bit. Yes, there were times I found myself not attracted, but I never pulled that one. I went on a date, I tried to enjoy it, tried to do what I could so she enjoyed it, even if she was not my type, and that was that. I would not lie about wanting to see her again, but I never picked up and got out of there. That's just crude.

 

No excuses for him. But you, you cannot crawl into a shell and never come out again. It's not easy to date when you feel not secure. But you know what, you were right with what you told your mother. People will like you no matter what you height or weight is, but they won't have a chance if you are in a shell. If you go into it, then make sure it's not for long.

[Scout]

RW, just put in your ads, "I am 4"5 - yes, that's not a typo, I am 4"5." And that's all you have to say about your height, but it's very clear and will avoid anymore "deer in the headlights looks" from geeky computer nerds

 

Now, on to your feelings of hurt...I understand them. BUT, I want you to know you handled the situation very gracefully. As well as you could, and I am proud of you for that.

 

Want to hear an even worse story, and the woman DID NOT handle herself gracefully? A good girlfriend of mine called me recently, upset about a date from hell. The guy basically left her AT THE BAR to go hang out in an upstairs level of the place with another woman. Not only did he ditch her in the middle of their date, he didn't even leave the place. - he basically just switched dates! She went to get her car - firetrucks were blocking the entrance. She was STUCK there. Now, I would have thrown a drink in the guy's face, then called a taxi to come pick me up. What did she do? She actually went back upstairs to where he was and asked him why he was doing this.

 

I'm like, WHERE IS YOUR PRIDE, WOMAN. And then she actually sent him a text message later!

 

So yeah, people can be cruel, no matter your height or not. The difference is that YOU kept your composure (until you were alone at least, lol) and didn't go crawling after him begging for a reason why.

 

I love my friend that I speak of, but she puts up with entirely way too much. You are stronger than that. Don't let this get you down for too long. All right? Chin up!

[renaissancewoman101]

No, I am not going to let it get me down. But, I dont think I am going to do the online dating thing for a long time. It's just not my cup of tea. I guess my ego is too fragile to deal with stuff like that. I would rather meet someone while doing stuff I like (like Ren Faire things). This whole meeting online, worrying about meeting in public, and then all that, I am not cut out for that.

 

What happened on Thurs really bothered me a lot because it brought back a lot of old skeletons that I keep locked up in the back of my mind (stuff like what my mother used to say to me, people say to me, etc., height issues), all that stuff that I used to push down in me so I didnt have to deal with the pain and suffering of it. That came up on Thurs in a really bad way and it hurt me real bad. The Thurs issue still makes me cry when I think about it and I spent most of yesterday out and about trying to NOT deal with it. I went for a drive and tried to be happy.

 

I guess I need to work on myself before throwing myself out into the dating arena.

 

Not sure.

[ElektraHere]

 

I guess I need to work on myself before throwing myself out into the dating arena.

 

Not sure.

 

RW

 

You are sure it just is REALLY hard work to clean out those skeletons. Believe me I know. I am rummaging through them now and throwing out alot of old bones.l