I need help, something is REALLY troubling me about my fiancee.

[MARTINO]

Even though the girl was only 14, he himself was just a teenager. Besides, 14 year old girls today are like 20 year olds 20 years ago. Times have changed, and unfortunately, the kids are growing up way too fast. Don't hold this against him. Be glad he sowed his wild oats at an earlier time and is now ready to settle down.

[Btaz]

Hi,

 

Sensitive issue, however lots of people make mistakes in their life and especially when young. Sometimes we would like to make our mistakes disappear as we feel ashamed of them, victim or user alike. Your boyfriend sound genuinely embarrassed by what happened and had probably managed to put it( by not thinking about it anymore) behind him as he could not undo it. I think if you keep saying the things you do it will become a big issue and irreparable damage will be done to your relationship.

 

You have the choice of which way to go. I truly believe that youngster can be very flirty( i have a 14 yr old daughter ) and give the impression of being older and sometimes get themselves into situations because of it. However a 19 year old boy or young man is not much more mature if at all and mistakes happen in the heat of the moment. He did not rape her and the age difference is no different than you two have now so ... Imagine you had met him at 14 and fallen in love and he had fallen for you ... you would now still be together and would you be as disgusted by the whole idea when it would have been natural to you ( as you lived it) ? Think very carefully about why you feel so strongly about this ... maybe u compare the 14 yr old with some very innocent child you once knew but who probably was nothing like the girl he saw.Or maybe something else is causing you to react so seriously...

 

iIwish you all the best but don't lose a good relationship without very carefull consideration. The fact that he told you about the neighbour flirting with him (without knowing you had heard it ) sound like he is very honest .

 

Take care

Btaz ( Linda)

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I definitely agree with rose2summer. Run, run, run away from this man. His family history would have a huge impact on him. Given what you have said about his past relationships AND the fact that at 27, he is already divorced with a 3 year old child this guy is trouble. How long was he married for? He seems to have a very questionable history and I would be very very careful about getting married to him. Trust your instincts. The fact that you can't let this go says a lot. This is not run of the mill insecurity...this is serious stuff. I doubt of counselling will help. Given his father's situation and the fact that he was abused by his father is a huge red flag. Yes, he may be disgusted by his father, but lots of children who come from families like that feel the same way and yet repeat the behaviour of their parents. There is a reason why that 14 year old girl thought she could make a move on your guy...signals are given off. People are not stupid. This 14 year old girl has been around the block enough times to know what to look for. Please be very very careful.

[BrokenWingedFaery]

I agree with Btaz.

[caro33]

When are you getting married? Are you going through the planning stages and actively imagining yourself with him 'for the rest of your life'? How long have you known about these things that bother you and have you always reacted with the same strong emotions?

 

The only reason I ask is because I think sometimes the real issue can be one's own fear of the marriage, and being hurt in some way when it's 'too late' (i.e. you've tied the knot). This means that you are jumping at shadows and reacting powerfully to what you think might be a massive red flag to get out, but it's really you responding more to your own fears of being hurt/left or trapped.

 

I agree with the other posters that at 19 he probably was on par with the 14 year old. You can't get into his head on this, but you have been given clear signs that he's a good man and he's got the right values. I feel terrible for him if the behaviour of his relatives means he is judged as a child molester, particularly by you, who has agreed to marry him and be his closest ally.

 

You might be reacting for all the right reasons, you might not. We're not there witnessing what you are or picking up on the signs you might be registering sub-consciously. But please ask yourself why you might be feeling like this and if there's a chance you're doing the pre-wedding jitters thing on some level. I certainly did (and still am) and have to actively watch myself and my behaviour so that I am being fair on the poor fiance and not punishing him in some way for all the fear I have about giving him so much power to hurt me. It's not admirable but it's still there, and probably completely natural when you have some history of being hurt or betrayed.

 

Counselling seems like a great idea, the best of luck to you both!

[engagedkitty]

I. There is a reason why that 14 year old girl thought she could make a move on your guy...signals are given off..

 

God, you were so right.

 

Everyone that contributed to this post, thank you so much. Right now I'm sick, sick to my stomach, I can't respond to any other posts up here right now, but I'm about to make a new thread concerning this. Please everyone read and please help, I just don't know what the hell to do, I'm torn up inside.

[engagedkitty]

Bumping this thread one more time, as I'm about to post the thread I said I was going to post. Pleaaaaaaaase read everyone.

[kesea]

Regardless of what any of us say or think on here, YOU feel very strongly about all of this. And regardless of the facts or what he says, it doesn't change how you FEEL.

 

"Pedophile" is a very strong word and I wouldn't recommend marrying anyone you could associate that word with. Whether it pertains to past, present, or future actions!

 

I would try to find someone who you can only say positive things about and nothing so negative about. Sometimes life hands you signs and you just have to follow your instincts and intuition on things, and trust that you are following the right course in life. If you are here asking for advice, it sounds like there is an alarm going off in your head. Listen to it.

 

Lots of guys over 18 sleep with girls under 18, so if it is something that is important to YOU, maybe you should add it to things you look or ask a guy before you get serious with them. And don't settle for someone who doesn't meet your criteria. Whether this particular criteria is such that someone might say is too strict doesn't matter, it is your life, your partner, and your right to be happy and find someone whose morals and actions in life match yours. That someone might have a criteria on their list that doesn't mean anything to you just the same. And don't feel bad about the decision to leave him if you do, be confident in your decisions always because your instincts are YOURS and in that way they are never wrong.

[tkrob]

I personally feel that you are over-reacting. The past is the past! And, your friend had no right to be giving you this information. What did she think it would help? Did she think it would help your relationship with your fiance?

 

But, that's beside the point and can't be changed now! I have always found that the what I don't know about my boyfriend's past won't kill me. We as women tend to let things like that bother us..and then men can't recover because we just don't let it go!

 

I would suggest that you sit down and think about this man and your relationship. Do you love him? Does he treat you well? Is he truly a good man NOW? Has he ever given you a real reason to not love him or trust him?

 

If you find that this is the man that you love and want to be with, then you have to take the bad with the good. The greatest gift you can give him is your understanding and forgiveness...and the willingness to help him be a better person now and in the future.

 

And, in the future, don't ask about the past...you can't change it anyway! Only look ahead!!! Good Luck!

[engagedkitty]

There really was an alarm going off in my head indeed- plus it turns out the alarm was right. If you would, please read my new thread having to do with this!!!! Please help!

[engagedkitty]

Well it turns out I really wasn't overreacting (if you would, read the new thread I'm about to post involving this!) But yes, I do love him and yes he treats me well and seems to be a truly good man now.... except for something that happened. Please read and helpppp.

[Jlizzy]

ounds to me like a situation where your finacee knows it was wrong and hence is getting annoyed at you bringing it up. The truth probably hurts.

Yes he should have known better, yes he could have gotten into serious trouble, yes it could ahve been constituted as child molesation.

 

On the flip side of the coin...judging on the basis of the story..it really does sound like he's simple attracted to younger women. as many men are and so when he was at that age he was a bit stupid to realise the mistake he was making. As another poster pointed out..he didn't view it as child molestation. I'm sure he looks at it a bit different now and I'm sure in hiw own head he's already kicking himself.

 

Personally I find it a slight irony the idea that men in particular (more rarely a woman) - we readily accept it as a norm that men can date women of5/6 years younger and even up to about 20..no big deal but as soon as a girl is accross the other side of the line of 18 then bang they're a child and a man is supposed to view eg a 17 year old girl as such.

 

Obviously we have laws and stuff in place to protect children which is VERY VERY important and obviously it's up to adults to know the difference between right and wrong. My point being that can we necessarily blame a guy for finding say a 16-17 year old girl sexually attractive. This is perhaps where your finacee went wrong-he acted on it instead of knowing these girls were too young.

 

Anyway to get to the point...give the guy a break. If you love him and care for him give him a break. Either it's a big deal or not. If it's a big deal what are you going to do about it? Coz you're not going to help your relationship by giving your finacee a hard time about something he did in the past.

 

Also..having been married myself in the past and now divorced I wonder is there subconsciously a part of you looking for issues? You're obviously coming up to your wedding I guess sometime in the next year. You might want to just step back and do a health check on yourself. Are you feeling slightly nervous about it?

 

Lastly..a 12 year old boy..wel kudos to him..he knows the difference between right and wrong but he's 12! lso chances are at his age the whole idea of boys being with girls is still a bit icky and he's just crossing over into a somehwat curious stage. To think of his brother who to him is a big grown up together with a girl young enough to hang around with himself is bound to be quite icky!

 

Hope this helps