I need help, something is REALLY troubling me about my fiancee.

[engagedkitty]

I would say at 19, your boyfriend probably did not think "wow, she was JUST 10 only 4 years ago!". He said, hmm, she's hot.....and they were both teenagers, so in his mind it probably seemed like a small difference.

 

.

 

I'm quoting just this one line 'cause I don't want to take up too much space, but just to let you know I did read the entire post and I do appreciate all of your (and everyone elses) input.

 

Maybe you're right about that, they were both teenagers, though he DID tell me he knew she was too young and it was wrong but at the time he didn't give a And the fact that he says that is bothersome in its own right, I don't know why.. it just troubles me. Instead of being like, "well I was just a teenager, so was she, I didn't really think much of the difference then.." he admitted that at the time he knew it was wrong, morally, but still wanted to do it anyway. So it's like he's saying, Yes, he understands it's illegally and morally wrong, but in his own mind, it's not. Plus, 19 is nearly 20, 20 is tooooo old to know better when it comes to a 14 year old. And he was nearly 20, not just freshly turned 19. And I know who the girl is, went to school with her, she was in the grade below me. So she would have been just freshly 14...

I just can't see why...

[rose2summer]

If you choose to follow through with this guy, do as raykay said and get some pre-marital counseling. You just don't want to commit yourself to marriage if you have doubts about him. You should be very sure about him before saying "I do."

[doyathink]

I think people change a great deal as they mature and grow up. I know we all have the potential to mimic our parents traits but we are all individuals and make our own decisions. I know so many people who are nothing like their families, they are their own people and think for themselves.

 

I would not only think about what he tells you but watch his actions, they will tell who he really is.

[engagedkitty]

My opinion is that just because your parent/sibling/cousin/best friend whatever turned out to be a sexual predator it does not mean you will.

 

While those whom are abused tend to repeat the behaviour, it is not always the case, nor does this sound like this is the case.

 

I would say ultimately....go to pre-marital counselling together. Not just for this, but it can really benefit your communication, and so forth. Then you can also talk about this amongst a neutral third party.

 

But, if you do feel this way and are this worried, postpone the wedding until it is sorted out...don't marry him if you are constantly going to be checking up on him and not trusting him.

 

I would like to go to that counselling, it does sound like a really good idea. But we communicate well together, everything else is just perfect, it's only THIS that we've got a problem about. Or, I've got the problem, lol.

[rose2summer]

I think that people do have the ability to make their own decisions about life, but I think our parents do influence us, we were raised by them until the age of 18, longer or shorter, so they will serve as our role model in some capacity. I am a replica of my parents, in my ideas, morals, ethics, etc, but there are many exceptions to the rule, good point doyathink.

[Bethany]

I have to say that at 14, I was not a child, I was a young adult even if I was under age. I certainly chased boys at that age, the older they were, the more more mature I felt.(naively)

 

I feel that to be a paedophile, it is about children who are pre-pubescent. I have talked to a pyschriatric nurse who deals with paedophiles every day of his working life about this and he said that these men think that children are playing the same game, they feel that children know exactly what they are doing and feel led on by them, which makes these men so dangerous.

 

Your BF however was only 19 and 'probably' as immature as these girls at the time at the time, obviously although i can not know for sure as I do not know him.

 

But if you are utterly disgusted and feel that it is something that you cannot live with, have any doubts about him being a paedophile then walk away with no regrets.

[rose2summer]

I would like to go to that counselling, it does sound like a really good idea. But we communicate well together, everything else is just perfect, it's only THIS that we've got a problem about. Or, I've got the problem, lol.

This is either:

A) A trust issue on your part that you don't trust him AND/OR

B) Your gut instinct telling you something is wrong

For this reason, counseling is needed, to figure out the true root of the problem. At least give it a try.

[engagedkitty]

Well, to be fair, I was physically and emotionally and verbally abused by both parents, in particular my dad. And I've learned from that. I've learned to never treat people in that way. I would never abuse my kids. I'm from an abusive family but I will not repeat those patterns. What I feel deep down is that, he wouldn't cheat and probably at the age that he is now, nearly 26, wouldn't date girls that young even if he was single. But the paranoia and doubt in me is what makes me think maybe, just maaaaaybe...

 

I hope you've found a caring loving person to share your life with now, I'm sorry you had to go through what you did with your ex. I know all about manipulative emotionally abusive exes! It does serious damage to one's self esteem, or at least it did to mine. My fiancee says that's why I act like I do, because my ex "ruined it for him" he says.

[rose2summer]

You seem more concerned trust-wise than anything, are you going to get the pre-marital counseling? I think the fact that you were abused as a child does indeed play a role in how you feel now and counseling could definitely help you both.

I have found a caring loving person, my previous ex of 5 yrs, before this recent ex, and maybe we will rekindle things, who knows what the future will bring. Yes, it definitely effects you emotionally and to the point of not trusting other men, but we must still plow forward.

[engagedkitty]

I think people change a great deal as they mature and grow up. I know we all have the potential to mimic our parents traits but we are all individuals and make our own decisions. I know so many people who are nothing like their families, they are their own people and think for themselves.

 

I would not only think about what he tells you but watch his actions, they will tell who he really is.

 

His actions tell me he wants one person (me) and being a 25 (nearly 26) year old father of a 3 year old daughter, he's matured and wouldn't do stuff like that... cause now that he's a father, he knows how he would feel if some guy messed with his daughter when she's around that age..

 

oh yeah, I forgot to mention that part everyone. Last night when he was like, "I'm 25 goddamn years old, with a daughter," and blah blah, he was like, "I know how I would feel if someone messed with my daughter when she was a young girl and not old enough for such stuff." Like he was saying, now that he's older, more mature, and a father, he fully understands how wrong it is. Hmm, maybe I should consider that, I believe he was being sincere when he said it, because he absolutely loves his daughter.

 

So like I said, his actions say he wouldn't do such a thing... it's just the past indiscretions that make me wonder. His current actions don't make me suspicious, like I said, when that little 14 year old hottie next door hit on him he ran straight to me to report like a good little boy. Still wonder why she came out all flirty as if they've talked before, though... but he DID come to me and tell me what she said, and that's a good thing. Right??

[RayKay]

Being a dad changes things...especially a dad to a daughter (especially since they remember being a teenage boy...).

 

Just a note about the neighbour, if she has a habit of trying to "win" over men and so on, she likely thought even with little contact she could just ask for a hug...if she is a big flirt (sounds like she is) she is probably "used" to getting the attention or feel she can just get it. Even if they have only really ever met once or twice. She does not have much respect for relationships, as she cannot truly have a committed one herself at this point. She is selling herself short as she feels sex equals love.

 

Her going to him for a hug and comments do not mean he ever led her on in this case.

[engagedkitty]

Well it's not like I think he's a pedophile now.. . it's just the past thing. I still don't see how he could have done it, however the more and more I talk about this with everyone here the more I move away from the word 'pedophile.' Okay, to be 19 and sleep with a 14 year old is not pedophilia. I see what everyone's saying, you guys are right. Still .. wouldn't it be child molestation in a way?

 

But then, I just started thinking of this 19 year old guy I know, who is really immature. Not as immature as a 14 year old would be but, he is immature and kid like in some ways. And I know my fiancee used to be really immature from what I've heard, back in his wilder days. God, sometimes he still can be, like a big kid, it's really cute at times... but that past thing, is most certainly not!

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

You have two options....forgive and forget. Drop it and move on. You cannot condemn someone about his/her past like that. What's done is done, it cannot be changed. People make mistakes, the beauty of life is we have chances to redeem ourselves, learn from our mistakes. I totally disagree with classiying him as a molestor or pedophille but that is besides the point.

 

The second option is to let him go. If this matter is something you simply cannot or will not live with, what makes you think that marriage will fix things and make all those feelings go away? Why should he stay with someone whom is NOT going to forgive him and let him redeem himself. He apparently worked hard to fix his mistakes and he should be able to share a life with a partner whom is going to allow him that chance. And you deserve to be with someone whom you are comfortable with and trust as well.

 

There is no grey areas in this situation, forgive and drop it or let him go. You really do not have any other options. If you want to stay with him and you having a hard time forgetting it, then pre-martial counseling is your only hope. Good luck and take care.

[engagedkitty]

You seem more concerned trust-wise than anything, are you going to get the pre-marital counseling? I think the fact that you were abused as a child does indeed play a role in how you feel now and counseling could definitely help you both.

I have found a caring loving person, my previous ex of 5 yrs, before this recent ex, and maybe we will rekindle things, who knows what the future will bring. Yes, it definitely effects you emotionally and to the point of not trusting other men, but we must still plow forward.

 

I would like to get the counseling, not too sure we can afford it right now but it'd definitely be worth it. This is something that needs to be resolved before I can walk down the aisle freely with no doubts about him whatsoever..

[RayKay]

I would like to get the counseling, not too sure we can afford it right now but it'd definitely be worth it. This is something that needs to be resolved before I can walk down the aisle freely with no doubts about him whatsoever..

 

 

If you are getting married through a church, they also often offer pre-marital counselling (for free) or you can look for other low cost options. Some workplaces offer marital counselling (covered) through the health benefits program too.

[engagedkitty]

Being a dad changes things...especially a dad to a daughter (especially since they remember being a teenage boy...).

 

Just a note about the neighbour, if she has a habit of trying to "win" over men and so on, she likely thought even with little contact she could just ask for a hug...if she is a big flirt (sounds like she is) she is probably "used" to getting the attention or feel she can just get it. Even if they have only really ever met once or twice. She does not have much respect for relationships, as she cannot truly have a committed one herself at this point. She is selling herself short as she feels sex equals love.

 

Her going to him for a hug and comments do not mean he ever led her on in this case.

 

That's what my friend said. My friend believes he is completely innocent and it's the little tramp that started the whole thing. I pretty much believe that too, but because I'm so paranoid about these things I have doubt. But for the most part I believe him regarding that. But I must say, I believed him completely about that because he said he'd never ever mess with kids that young, and so on, and then I found out differently, which is why I have a slight doubt about that situation with that sl-ut now.

[engagedkitty]

Heh the second option is not an option for me, I refuse to let him go! He, despite his past, is one of the most wonderful things to happen to me, out of all of the men who have treated me wrong in my life. So I guess my only option is to let it go. And since I seem to be having severe trouble doing that, I guess it's a necessity that I go to counselling, so that I CAN get over it so we can move on and continue with this relationship.

[engagedkitty]

If you are getting married through a church, they also often offer pre-marital counselling (for free) or you can look for other low cost options. Some workplaces offer marital counselling (covered) through the health benefits program too.

 

Oooh, good idea. He's got insurance through his work... and I just remembered this free counselling hotline offered through walmart when I worked there, .. ... I think I should give it a call.

[kellbell]

Go for it kitty! I feel pre-martial counseling will be terrific. Let us know how you are doing.

[Considerate Empath]

Forgive him for his past mistakes and let the subject go if you want to keep him, because I'm pretty sure he can't stand the idea of you bringing this up constantly as if you don't trust him anymore or something.

 

I assume you need more help letting this go than to decide what else to do - so my advice to you is this: Don't think of him as the man he was, think of him as the man he is.

 

 

Best wishes!

 

//C.E.

[Batya33]

It sounds like you are comparing him to all the men who treated you badly. I don't think that's an appropriate comparison. Just because someone doesn't treat you badly doesn't mean he has the kind of values, character and integrity suitable to be your husband. Just because he has a daughter doesn't make his character any better - it depends what kind of father he is to her and the reasons why he is not with her mother. That's just an example.

 

I would never associate with someone in a dating relationship or more seriously who did not have values compatible with mine. It's an individual thing. Some things I could forgive because of the context or time period in which they were done, others I could not. Trust is of course important to me so if there was something told to me that was inaccurate, or important information omitted, that would be inconsistent with my values, just by way of example.

 

My guess is you cannot get past it because you do not think his character/values/integrity have changed enough since then so that he is a person you feel is compatible with you. I also wouldn't place blame on the girl involved. It takes two, period and he is not claiming she raped him of course.

[doyathink]

Past is exactly that...past. I did some really shameful things when I was young and I would hate for anyone to judge my character of who I am now, years later, as to who I was then! Oh boy am I a different person now!

 

If you were never told of his past, you would be going along still thinking he's the best thing since good ol peach pie. You would never have this fear and doubt that you have now, why....because you see him for the person he is now...you don't know the person he was back then.

 

I would suggest you give him your trust unless he gives you reason to not! Hope it all works out for you both..

[Fisch]

In response: personally I do not find 14 year olds attractive. There are many reasons for that, but the main one is simply because they are 14. It is sort of the same way that when you love someone they become more beautiful, a sort physical semantics. But everyones physical semantics are different. I think that in order to know the truth you would really have to get inside his head, something that I think would be very difficult to do. Did he think he was taking advantage or did he see it as mutual is probably the most important question.

[DN]

I don't think that you are in a position to 'forgive him for his past mistakes'. We forgive people who have injured us in some way not someone who has done something that we disapprove of before we even met them. Be careful that you don't assume some sort of moral superiority here - it won't serve you or the relationship.

[candy604]

let his past go b/c if it is a changed person he will not be doing those things in the future. Guys can be pretty dumb in their teenage years , early 20's. so if he's given up that lifestyle and changed, be glad!! let the past go! People mature!