Major age difference... should I be shivering?

[RayKay]

Agree with Meow.

 

I don't think ONE person here has said do NOT meet him. I think you are also ignoring that many of us HAVE met people online and met them in person.

 

What we are saying is don't go away to stay in a hotel with him for a week, in another city, without telling anyone! Great, you are meeting him at the airport...that does not mean it is safe to go away with him for a week...

 

What is wrong with staying in separate rooms, or separate hotels?

 

You just go for it -with all propper precautions

 

But you aren't taking the proper precautions, do you NOT see that? It is not that unusual that someone would spend a lot of money to meet someone if they have bad intentions....

[Baby Carrot]

MEOW18:

 

Thanks a lot for your concern and patience. I see this whole thing has 2 major flaws, I wasn't even considering since I event entered to this forum asking mostly about the age gap...But you guys are right, bottomline I should have never been so careless about it.

 

At the same time, well, this is not just a beautiful friendship and we're not meeting just to hang around and try and see if we like each other, you know what I mean. Having sex is great part of all the meeting thing. And at the end of the day, that leads you to willing to be alone in a hotel room. Is the cyber sexual mischief also dangerous? I mean... ur not supposed to get sexual with someone ur planning to meet?

 

It'd be like "WHATTHEHELL" that now, after craving to get it on, it'd be said... "You know what... yes, we're so horny about each other and have talked about doing it a million times, but we are so not sharing a room..."

 

 

RAYKAY:

 

I have also met in person people from the net before. International travelling was never involved, so it was not this complicated.

 

There's nothing wrong about staying in separate rooms, but as I said to Meow, we've both been always horny as hell... staying in separate rooms is... not wrong, is just contradictory.How are we supposed to have sex in separate rooms?

[Dako]

How are we supposed to have sex in separate rooms?

 

Bring your laptops.

[Baby Carrot]

Bring your laptops.

 

...I don't have one.

[Dako]

Bummer.

Maybe do it the way your parents did.....

[NJRon]

When meeting someone new, in person, for the first time, regardless of whether you "think" you are inetersted in having sex with them or not.

 

1. Make sure someone knows where you are and keep youself available via phone for check-in calls. Nothing is scarrier to someone trying to help you out to try and reach you repeatedly for hours and not being able to get a response. Have some specific times scheduled for check-in calls.

 

2. Meet in a public place. This goes without saying.

 

3. Have your *own* and *separate* accommodations set up. Plan for them for the time you will be together. At most hotels, you can usually cancel the reservations for the second and subsequent night if you do so prior to check-in time of that day.

 

4. Plan, to stay at your own hotel/accommodations for *at least* the first night. You may end up staying together, or not. That's of no consequence. It's better if you can plan to stay in these more "public" accommodations for your first visit. Ideally... you should stay there the whole time though. The hotel shoudl have a record of your arrival and departure.

 

It's ok that you built the whole sexual side of the meeting up. However, you need to realize that you have to make plans as a backup. These are not extra-ordinary things that would cause anyone great affront. Frankly, I would be expecting the person you are meeting to have arranged this stuff for you to make sure you felt comfortable. I am surprised he didn't offer them.

[Baby Carrot]

Maybe Im a weirdo for this, but we already feel in so much trust by now, that the ackward thing would be staying in separate bedrooms...

 

Is not that he didnt offer it, or I didn't ask for it... that was never, like ever in our heads. We're craving to be together...

 

Is it really that... i don't know, unappropiate?

[RayKay]

Maybe Im a weirdo for this, but we already feel in so much trust by now, that the ackward thing would be staying in separate bedrooms...

 

Is not that he didnt offer it, or I didn't ask for it... that was never, like ever in our heads. We're craving to be together...

 

Is it really that... i don't know, unappropiate?

 

Well I think you are going to do what you want to do anyway, based on the responses you have had to posters concerns.

 

Yes, I think it is being naive, and I think you are letting the expectations get WAY ahead of the reality....but that's your choice to make.

 

So all I can say is I hope it turns out as you expect, and good luck.

[Managor]

I really agree with everyone else that you should tell someone. Whether that be some friends or your parents (not having an open relationship with them shouldn't stop you from doing that, you're only telling them for safety reasons, they don't need to know any other details aside from where you'll be going, when, and maybe the guy's name).

[Baby Carrot]

Well I think you are going to do what you want to do anyway, based on the responses you have had to posters concerns.

 

Yes, I think it is being naive, and I think you are letting the expectations get WAY ahead of the reality....but that's your choice to make.

 

So all I can say is I hope it turns out as you expect, and good luck.

 

Thanks a lot Raykay... I do realize now I'm handling this in a pretty naive way... making this huge arrangement that involves plain tickets, hotel reservations, bus schedules and hours of travelling... just HOPING it turns out the way we're imagining it. Is not so realistic indeed.

 

But man, is really hard to arrange an international meeting... I mean, is a lot of pressure for everything to go the way "it should", no margin for mistakes whatsoever... Like "it better turns out just fine since someone's flying all the way to another country..."

 

There's supposed to be something in the middle, between zero personal contact and a week long romantic getaway... but since we live in different countries... none of us can fly 3,000 miles just for a coffee to find out if we click, u know what I mean. Too much pressure for all the arrangements and efforts to "worth it", this is basically what took us to this vacation decision. But everyday seems more crazy, really.

 

And I really can't think of what other way we can handle it!!! But we really wanna meet! The distance is such an ISSUE!

[SarahRose]

Having done this myself, I'll comment.

 

Is he coming to see you or are you going to see him?

 

Either way the visiting person should stay in a hotel room. This person is a stranger.

 

When you first meet, meet in a public place.

 

Let someone know what you are doing and where you are at.

 

In my situation, I flew there. I stayed in a hotel next to where he lived. People knew where I was and how to get in touch with me.

 

I did let him come to the hotel to meet me. The reason being is that the way it is set up is so public(other people just left their doors open) and it was busy there and people definitely would have heard me if i was in trouble. If I had stayed at a hotel with elevators and rooms with only inside entrance i would have met him in public. Also, the people who ran the hotel knew him since he lived right next door.

[Baby Carrot]

SARAH ROSE:

 

He's the one coming down from North America to Latin America. Originally he would come to my city and stay in a hotel room. But we disposed that plan since it was better to be in "neutral" territory. So we decided to travel to another city -so we both would be tourists- and that involves staying in the same hotel, and that's where it gets crazy and irresponsible i guess.

 

We will meet in a public place (airport) and travel in public transportation... until we get to the hotel (thats gonna take several hours of being totally 'in public').

 

Yes, is stupid, but now after planning all this for weeks, seems kind of rude to say, you know what, separate rooms please.

 

Thanks for sharing your experience.

[SarahRose]

No I wouldn't do that and it wouldn't be rude to tell him that either. If he is really a nice guy he will understand. It might be a good test anyway to see how he deals with disagreement. If you tell him no you won't go away with him and he is upset or tries to pressure you, then you know there is something wrong with him.

 

If you go with him to another city as tourists you will be a couple and if you do that, he would have the expectation of sex with you. I wouldn't go away with a stranger like that and he is still a stranger.

 

Let him come and visit you and stay in a hotel and be respectful to you. You set the tone with what you allow and don't allow.

[Baby Carrot]

SARAH:

 

As there's a lot of money and effort involved (mostly from his part, since he's the one paying for air tickets and moving from one country to another) we are supposed to spend as much as possible time together.

 

What was supposed to be an adventure is turning now into paranoia. What if... what if... what if...

 

Apparently, I'm supposed to cringe because no matter how much I feel I know him, no matter how coherent he seems, no matter if it feels right... HE'S A STRANGER STRANGE STRANGER (=danger)... Is getting really old...

[SarahRose]

Baby Carrot, of course you gotta do what you feel is best for you. People here are just offering advice and opinions, that's all.

[Baby Carrot]

I do appreciate people taking time in giving me advice and personal insight.

 

Is just kind of hard to keep on doing what you feel is best for you after everybody qualifies your little plans as irresponsible, naive, stupid, crazy, bold, risky and god knows what else.

 

Is like... damn, am I really THAT wrong? Just because I'm not sticking to pre conceived guidelines?

[Baby Carrot]

NJRON:

 

Thanks a lot for seeing beyond of what apparently appears to be the biggest stupidity of all times...or something... according to 99% of people.

 

BTW, is not like im just gonna disappear, I will let know my parents where exactly Im going and for how long, the only thing I'm omitting is with WHO I'm going. I'll just say is a trip with some classmates, for photography taking of a lovely place.

 

Is just funny how I originally was concerned about the age gap, and everything turned immediately into a "safety issue".

 

Kind of refreshing to start seeing the "bright side" for a little while...

 

Greets.

[shes2smart]

At this point your plans are set and you have your reasons not to change them.

 

The bare minimum you should be doing is simply letting someone know where you're going, how to get in touch with you, and when you'll be expected back. That would be the case if you were traveling alone or with people you know or going to visit someone you already knew. I took vacations by myself many times when I was single and at the very least my immediate supervisor at work knew where I was going, how to contact me, and when I was expected back.

 

What are you telling people you know/family members? Certainly, you're not just up and disappearing for a week without anyone knowing what your plans are. Don't you have any pets, snail mail, or even plants that you need to make arrangements to be cared for while you're gone? Or do you have no one in your life you need to answer to -- such as an employer? Even when I was single, not seeing anyone and at a point in my life when I didn't have many friends, I always knew that, if something weird happened to me over the weekend, come Monday morning at 10 if I didn't show up to work, someone would be looking for me. No, nothing weird ever happened to me, but the point is I would have been missed fairly quickly if something had happened.

 

If you really were 100% certain and sure of what you wanted to do, you wouldn't have bothered posting here about it. There simply wouldn't be any question nor would there be a desire to get input from others on your plans. The fact that you have posted here (and even started a second thread on this topic) means that you yourself aren't sure of your actions. That's ok. No one is 100% sure of their actions all the time. All the folks here have done is suggest to you some very valid reasons why you have the uncertainty you do, and expressed concern for your safety.

 

What did you expect people on this site to do? Tell you what a great idea this was and tell you were going to have a great time? In the 2 years I've been on this site, I haven't seen a lot of flowery, insincere, faux-supportive posts like that. What I have seen more often than not is objective, well-thought out feed back on the situations presented...sometimes put more blunty, sometimes more tactfully...but the vast majority of the time posted with good intentions and the best interests of the OP in mind.

 

Since you initially posted in the Age Gap Relationship section, were you expecting to get a lot of crap because of the age difference and want to argue about it?

 

Y'know, chances are you may very well have a good time and it will all go as you have planned it to go, but honestly--have things in your life gone as you planned them 100% of the time? I don't think my life is markedly different from anyone else's, and I know that sometimes things go exactly as I expected them to, and about half (or more) of the time they don't. Sometimes when they don't go according to plan it winds up being better, sometimes it winds up being about equal, sometimes it's worse, and sometimes it's sheer unmitigated disaster. None of us knows what we're gonna get when we roll the dice, but there are always a few factors that are in our control...and we'd be foolish not to control the things we can since it's in our own best interest to do so.

 

I'm getting the vibe from your posts that you have a bit of a rebellious streak in you and that's not a bad thing at all. What you have to understand about that personality trait is that if it is unmanaged and used without thought it will get you into a lot of trouble...however, if you learn how to manage that rebellious streak and put some serious thought into actions before making a decision, it can help you to create the life you want for yourself. Although, most people with that trait have to shoot themselves in the foot a time or two before they figure out how to manage it.

 

Not that I'd know anything about that.....

[NJRon]

Hey Baby Carrot, I'm really sad that you didn't read between the lines of my little story and realize the moral of the story: The person recklessly endangered both himself and others to save $200.

 

I deleted the story ... I actually was hoping it would jog something by presenting a somewhat similar situation... However, it didn't.

[shes2smart]

Ok, I just had an idea....

 

Since you are unwilling to tell anyone you know what's going on, how would you feel about this?

 

I assume you have contact info for the hotel you're staying at? Before you leave, you could call the hotel and ask to speak to the manager and let him or her know what the basic situation is. If you approach it properly - be polite, make sure they have several minutes to spend talking to you before you launch into your request, get this person on your side then ask for their help - they may be willing to sort of keep an eye on you while you're there. Just from the bad PR alone, I'd assume they wouldn't want something untoward happening in their property. If the manager is made aware of your situation prior to your arrival, s/he may also be willing to help you out with other accommodations if things don't go as you planned.

 

This situation has positives (it's someone who is physically there) and minuses (other than protecting the hotel's interest, they have no personal connection to you/your welfare), but it is better than nothing.

[lozic21]

Bring your laptops.

 

That made me laugh HARD

 

However, it seems like you are just going to defend what you're going to do, and there is nothing that anyone could say to make you take more precautious (which kind of defeats the whole purpose of asking anyone on here to begin with)...so go for it I suppose.

[Baby Carrot]

LOZIC21:

The whole purpose of asking here, was to get some insight about THE AGE GAP... I never mentioned in any of my OP's anything like "I think I'm getting involved with a serial killer...".

 

SHES2SMART:

 

Yes, the idea was to let know my parents where exactly and for how much time I was going. The only white lie was saying I was going with classmates, instead of with this guy. I was 100% sure of this, my main concern actually was the age gap, but all this thread turned in an instant into a safety concern.And that's what made me start the second thread, because is hard to arrange an international meeting that turns out to be successful.

 

I was not expecting to argue about the age difference, I was just merely wondering how common is it for 40 something guys to look forward to meet girls that could easily be their daughters and what is that supposed to mean, and all that. Because I seriously don't even notice the gap when we talk and hang out.

 

Ur indeed too smart; is such a good idea to let at least the hotel to know the real situation: of course noone wants a CSI in the middle of their enterprise. Ur so right, is better than nothing.

 

****************************************************************

 

However, and I'm feeling even more stupid to mention this after all the advice, we lately had some issues, that pretty much sent down the crapper all our meeting plans. We kind of got to a dead end or something.

 

Thanks a lot for your concern and patience though. I really appreciate it.

[RayKay]

was not expecting to argue about the age difference, I was just merely wondering how common is it for 40 something guys to look forward to meet girls that could easily be their daughters and what is that supposed to mean, and all that. Because I seriously don't even notice the gap when we talk and hang out.

 

Well, it's not that "common" but it does certainly happen. Actually it probably happens that they want to meet a lot, but the relationships are more rare from it.

 

I have an uncle whom is about 41-42ish whom is dating a girl whom is 21 (though they met in person at the gym). They have been together about a year or so now and seem quite happy....so I am not against gaps altogether. Not something I would be interested in personally, but I have seen people go through them both successfully and unsuccessfully.

 

You probably would not notice the gap right now while on the phone..it's more when you start combining lives and making future plans you may.

 

And you may meet and still not notice a gap, at least not emotionally. No guarantee either way.

 

However, and I'm feeling even more stupid to mention this after all the advice, we lately had some issues, that pretty much sent down the crapper all our meeting plans. We kind of got to a dead end or something.

 

Despite my warnings, I am sorry to hear that. What happened?

[shes2smart]

Quote:

However, and I'm feeling even more stupid to mention this after all the advice, we lately had some issues, that pretty much sent down the crapper all our meeting plans. We kind of got to a dead end or something.

 

Despite my warnings, I am sorry to hear that. What happened?

 

Ditto RayKay's sentiments...I am sure you are very disappointed by this recent turn of events.

 

There's one thing I've noticed in the last 4 + decades I've been wandering the earth....things do tend to work out for our highest good...and "highest good" is not necessarily "immediate good." I don't know if you will find much comfort in that at the moment, but, in time, you will probably be able to look back on these events and believe that it is true.

 

I can't take complete credit for the "ask the hotel manager for help" idea...as I mentioned earlier, I've been active in the out/public BDSM scene for a number of years. Because of the nature of the Internet, lots of kinky folks meet potential partners who are not geographically desirable. So the topic of "how do you meet someone from a BDSM website/message board/email list who you don't really know, who doesn't live anywhere near you, ensure you both have a good experience/good time and survive to tell the tale" comes up quite frequently in our discussion/support groups. As I've heard it said in several safety demos/workshops...."After you're bound and gagged is not the time to discover you and Mr. Long Distance Dom have a mismatch in expectations."

[Baby Carrot]

SHES2SMART:

 

Thanks A LOT for your support and your words anyway.