Lots of stuff, mostly hating everything human

[sentencedtoagony]

I spend most of my time staying at home. I feel out of place where I live and have for the 2 years I've been here. What's weird is that I used to live in a place with one of the highest violent crime rates in the US and now I live in some small affluent town but I feel more disdain than I ever have.

 

I feel like I am the poorest, least free-spirited, least liberated, least conforming, overly sensitive person. I feel like I can't just "be myself" anymore and I have to be an actor to please people and get what I need.

 

On the rare occasions when I go out, there is nearly always some snide remark I pick up on from some holier-than-thou/obnoxious person.

 

Examples:

a) walking downtown with scruff on my face. people eating outside a restaraunt look at me from about 4 ft away and comment quite audibly on how trashy i look.

b) downtown again, a guy offers a free sample of food and i politefully decline "no thanks". as i continue walking by, he yells out something (in front of about 20 to 30 people) about me not liking his food. i wanted to go punch him in the stomach, but "better judgment" told me to keep moving.

c) while driving about 15 mph on a very NOT busy street i come to a stop sign and make an almost-complete stop, but not quite a complete one. a woman sitting in her garage yells "nice stop!"

d) walking my dog at the park a group of guys comment about how stupid my dog looks.

e) someone at work asks me if i am a

f) at a party, someone comments on how " old!" i am at 28 yrs

g) buying groceries, i see a drink on the belt that looks like it fell off my six pack and I point and say "is that mine?" to the cashier. he picks it up and the guy next to me grumbles that it belongs to him. I say "sorry, i thought it came off my six pack." He responds by staring at me. He continues to stare at me after I look away, even after I look back and until I pay and leave.

and many more...

 

I'm getting to the point where my rage is building and I just want to beat the out of the next person that does something like any of the above, knowing that the consequences will probably be bad for me.

 

Why are people like this? I hate pretty much everyone now and I guess it shows in my interactions with most everyone (except when I have the energy to fake it). I feel like I have undergone some psychological transformation that makes me loathe people and my own life. I feel like it can't be changed back. It's like I can see myself years from now getting more miserable, secluded and bitter.

 

And I still miss my ex-girlfriend who dumped me 2 years ago by saying "I'm going to a party that a guy invited me to" and who now dates a coke-dealer. The same one that says to me -- the one single day I see her after a year apart -- "You're so skinny now -- you used to be hot" and "why won't guys at bars talk to me?"

 

After 8+ years, that's what I get.

 

At least once a day, I have visions of me blowing my brains out interwoven with visions of me as an old man, all alone in some moldy house, bones brittle, eyesight fading, waiting for my wretched life to end.

 

I never used to question what I wear, my hair style, my background and history, what facial expressions I use, my body language, my enunciation of words, my eye contact, my aggressiveness with women, my off-the-wall ideas, what kind of car I drive, how cool my job is, etc. but I do now. Every move I make, I try to understand why I am still the outcast and why I can't feel comfortable anymore.

 

I went to one therapist that seemed disgusted with me, seeming to imply that I am a complete weirdo and wuss.

 

I went to another who was frustrated that I didn't make any progress after several weeks of visits.

 

Am I being unreasonable with my expectations of people? Should it be that everytime I go out, I should expect to run into someone who is a complete ? Should I expect to feel like a freak even though I look just like all the other "clones" around here?

 

Should I accept that life is tough and lonely and nobody can be trusted, not even the people that you spent so much time trusting in the past?

 

If your car is totalled, you discard it. If your dog is mangled by a tractor, you put it down. If your spouse beats you, you leave the marriage. If a game stops being fun, you stop playing it. If you were in a job and your pay kept decreasing and you were getting treated worse every day would you stick it out until retirement, or would you end your employment? What do you do when you feel like life has become more effort than it's worth, that you're trying and trying and nothing is getting better and there seems to be no prospect for improvement?

[Daddy Bear]

what about all the people who slow down to let you change lanes, the friend who lets you have half of his curly fries, the unexpected "hello" from a stranger on the sidewalk? buttmunches are everywhere, but so are cool folk. it all depends on which group you want to focus on.

 

whenever some pinhead says something rude and inappropriate to me, i just laugh right in his face, knowing that he doesn't have the sense of a lump of coal to know when to keep his mouth shut. those doofs mean nothing to me, and i'll be damned if i'll let them get my goat.

 

and how do you treat people? not too well, you say, because you've been picked on so much? if we walk around with chips on our shoulders, should we really expect people to throw rose petals in our path? did you ever think that maybe those who are unkind to you cite the same excuses for their sourness as you do for your own...?

 

rise above, break the chain, be bigger than them. it's the only way to fly.

[renaissancewoman101]

You sound SO much like my ex. He used to walk around with a chip on his shoulder. He thought people picked on him because of his height, his smoking, his drinking, etc. He thought the world was after him. It got old after awhile.

[itsallgrand]

And I still miss my ex-girlfriend who dumped me 2 years ago by saying "I'm going to a party that a guy invited me to" and who now dates a coke-dealer. The same one that says to me -- the one single day I see her after a year apart -- "You're so skinny now -- you used to be hot" and "why won't guys at bars talk to me?"

 

After 8+ years, that's what I get.

 

Maybe you're just peeved at your ex. ?

 

You still miss her...but it sounds like who you knew is gone. Not just in the 'break-up' sense, but how she was as a person.

 

Why did you move?

[The Vitruvian Man]

Look, jerks are everywhere. They use their barbs to try to sink your self esteem down to their level. The trick is to not let them sink you. You are no doubt a good person underneath it all, and no matter what they say or do to try to hurt you, they cannot take that away.

 

Try focusing on all the good things about your life for a while. In fact, how about making a list (like the one you made of all the things people have done to you)? I'm sure you can come up with a lot. There is probably more good than you realize.

 

Take care,

TVM

[Daddy Bear]

i also got the sense that your breakup is at the heart of your negativity. it obviously still affects you after two years... you don't deserve to live like that.

 

have you considered therapy? there are hordes of eNotAlone members who will tell you that it did wonders for them in the same situation.

 

free yourself... agony is not your true destiny.

[robowarrior]

The thing is this. We live in a world that is filled with darkness and hatred, so expecting to receive anything else but darkness and hatred is the error your making. You have this 'people should be nice to me automatically' thing in you. That's a nice thought, but life doesn't work that way.

 

Nothing in the universe will make you happy exept loving and helping other people.You see the meaning of life is to love and help other people without expecting anything back.

 

Crazy as it sounds, that is how it works. You might have heard of action = reaction. But also no action = no reaction. Meaning that basically if you keep on sitting in your room no one will ever notice your existence.

 

"but im getting hurt by what all the people are doing/saying to me" , you see life is like a boxing game, being afraid of getting hurt is useless because you will get hurt, and like a boxer you need to be able to incassate the blows life throws at you, that doesn't mean that after one blow you should stop, hell no , you need to go for gold in your life and beat the hell out of your opponent which is life.

 

You need to love everything and everyone, including yourself, you see if no one loves or believes in you, you better make sure that you at least support,believe and love yourself. Cuz no one is going to make life happen for you exept you yourself. So get a get up and go attitude and kick as in the next round.

 

Go sport, do weightlifting, study read, self improvement so you can look in the mirror and say, im proud of who i am and what i do. Even more important, help people out, any small act of love will do. Helping your mom out with the dishes, your dad with problems with the car. That way you will get your social interconnection, and your parents (or any given person) will be happy that your helping them out.

 

Honestly i had to deal with the same , where i was behind my computer for years not opening up to anyone because i had been hurt in the past. I press you on the heart not to put your life on a halt because of this kind of stuff. You have to become one with everything that life has to offer you, the pain the pleasure, the good moments and the bad moments. The only thing important is that you stay under that level of pain that you can cope with, if you top it over you'll end up as a mental wreck, so watch out for the punches that life throws at you, get rid of the negativity in your life, and stuff it full with positivity.

[Daddy Bear]

if you look for darkness and hatred, you will find darkness and hatred. in reality, there's plenty of cotton candy to go around.

[sentencedtoagony]

Yeah, you're right those good things do happen, but even when they do, I don't seem to appreciate them. Everything is shadowed by negativity.

 

the concentration of buttmunches seems much higher here, though, compared to any other place i've lived. it could be my frame of mind. it's hard to tell anymore.

 

I guess I should just literally laugh in peoples' faces. It would give me some kind of release at least. After every one of those experiences, I wished I had reacted in some way other than just walking off and building up hatred.

 

I do like what you said. It even sounds like what I used to tell my ex when someone tried to bring her down at work, etc. I just forgot how to deal with things that way.

[sentencedtoagony]

Maybe you're just peeved at your ex. ?

 

You still miss her...but it sounds like who you knew is gone. Not just in the 'break-up' sense, but how she was as a person.

 

Why did you move?

 

Yeah, I think about her pretty often still. I try to train myself not to, but then I end up having a dream about her and then having the comedown of reality.

 

When I saw her last, she was very different looking style-wise and behavior, but I can't help but think that she's just disguising the old person that I knew. Maybe it's a false assumption, but I feel like she's almost rebelling against me.

 

I moved because I was miserable. It was a different misery than my current one. While I was in the same vicinity, I cried every day -- even at work sometimes. Originally, I was the dumper and then we took turns. We both cried a lot together during the breakup which I still think --perhaps erroneously-- meant we really loved each other. When she told me she was going to start a family with her new boyfriend after 6 months of them dating, I just didn't want to be around anymore. Too many restaurants, stores,...memory associations with everything were haunting me. My brother invited me to move so I accepted. I suppose I have felt for a long time that moving was the wrong thing to do and that I should have just toughed it out.

[sentencedtoagony]

You sound SO much like my ex. He used to walk around with a chip on his shoulder. He thought people picked on him because of his height, his smoking, his drinking, etc. He thought the world was after him. It got old after awhile.

 

So why did they pick on him?

[sentencedtoagony]

i also got the sense that your breakup is at the heart of your negativity. it obviously still affects you after two years... you don't deserve to live like that.

 

have you considered therapy? there are hordes of eNotAlone members who will tell you that it did wonders for them in the same situation.

 

free yourself... agony is not your true destiny.

 

Yes, I have tried therapy. I wrote a couple of lines in my original post about this experience. I haven't been in a couple of months mainly because of my current financial situation.

[Daddy Bear]

sorry, i missed the therapist part of your OP the first time i read it. you know, i've heard people say that they went through two or three unimpressive therapists before they found one that really helped. maybe you should keep trying. at the risk of sounding repetitious, nobody deserves a life sentence of agony.

 

i agree that snotty bungholes are more common in affluent towns, but i really, truly believe that it's the way you look at things and not the world itself that's keeping you unhappy. good luck in turning things around, brother.

[CarnelianButterfly]

One of my favorite sayings is "Smile it confuses them".

 

I've found that being a friendlier person helped change how people respond to me. I used to hate people and leaving my room, but now I can't stand being shut up all the time. I've just made the point to be friendly to everyone, to smile, and be polite, most people treat me better because of it, and oddly enough lots will smile back.

 

A case in point, at a fast food place during lunch rush most people are in a hurry, the workers, the customers, even me, the cashier is pretty sullen and just doing his job with every person that comes up the line. When I smile and say please and thank you, his whole disposition changes, he smiles and is pleasant to me while all the people before me just got taken care off and I actually got service.

 

Sure there will always be jerks, but if you act like the jerk first most often thats the response you'll get. Try it, just smile and be polite, don't let the negativity over whelm you. Your life is for you, not them, live it for your enjoyment, not their's.

[itsallgrand]

I suppose I have felt for a long time that moving was the wrong thing to do and that I should have just toughed it out.

 

Hmm. Tough it out - how so?

 

Here's my thinking: If you haven't felt like you have had proper closure with the ex, or that you have been making decisions somewhat re-actively in order to avoid/deny/get away from old hurts....that can make a person very very angry.

 

I'm familiar with deep anger and hostility. Not to sound cocky, but I am.

It's usually a surface emotion....dig deeper...get at the real feelings...deal with 'em....be brave....You can do it! You really can.

 

I wish you the best.

[Bethany]

If your car is totalled, you discard it. If your dog is mangled by a tractor, you put it down. If your spouse beats you, you leave the marriage. If a game stops being fun, you stop playing it. If you were in a job and your pay kept decreasing and you were getting treated worse every day would you stick it out until retirement, or would you end your employment?

 

What do you do when you feel like life has become more effort than it's worth, that you're trying and trying and nothing is getting better and there seems to be no prospect for improvement?

 

You change it.

 

You're sounding paranoid, sure people are mean but your walking around looking for it.

 

Stop looking, smile at people, it gives them less chance to make rude remarks. Get in there before they have a chance, nobody picks on people who approach them with a genuine big smile..

Be pleasant even if they do, don't let the b******'s grind you down! They are probably having a crappy day themselves which is why they feel the need to make rude comments, it's nothing personal, they dont even know you. It makes THEM feel better.

 

Knowing that...Walk tall, head held high and get out there and SMILE!!!

[FoxLocke]

The thing about counseling is that you have to WANT to take instruction and implement the advice into your life. They can tell you what to do, but everything else is essentially up to you.

 

Believe me, you are not the only person who is having a hard time in life. I relate to what you are saying so much.

However, ending it all is not an option for me. Hell yes it sucks right now...I would be lying if I said I wasn't unhappy at this very moment. However, I feel that a better day is going to come and if I hold true to what I believe I'll be alright...

 

Take care.