A day in the life of...BornToResist

[BornToResist]

We just had a department meeting at my work.

 

They are going to be doing away with our department in about a year.

 

That was probably the most tension-filled room I have been in ever. You honestly could hear a pin drop.

 

At first they started talking about new software and other boring nonsense...I wasn't really paying attention at first, I have a bad habit of that...but then words like "downsizing" and "smaller department" caught my ear.

 

I watched a room full of faces drop. It was kind of sad to watch.

 

This is my outlook about my job. I don't like it. They pay me well, so I'm here. They give excellent benefits, so I'm here. When getting off of my maternity leave, I didn't want to come back, but I needed the money. Then I was worried about getting too comfortable here because I want to do so many other things in my life, and I have a tendency to stick with the familiar, which I think is natural. This was never my career though. I have four years I have to dedicate to education...at least four. And the last thing I want is to waste time at a job that I know isn't really going to go anywhere for me instead of working towards my goals. But it's safe and not risky, and I think it's human nature to stick with what you know. But great things come when you take great risks...

 

So there I was, sitting there doodling on my yellow pad of paper and then I got to watch so many people I care about (I have worked here for 3 years or so) have their hearts drop into their stomachs. We have older people working here and this is their life. It's a really great company and HUGE (if I gave the name, I'm certain you would know it), and I'm sure there are other opportunities here, but man. What a day.

 

I called my mom immediately and shared my life lesson with her.

 

She's been worried day in and day out that her company was going to go under. She works at a small business and is probably the most important person there besides the owner. She makes really good money but she could see from a mile away that there would be financial difficulties and she couldn't get the owner to pay attention.

 

I rang her up to tell her that nothing in life is guaranteed. She's been sitting there stressing all the time, and the people at MY company are probably going to be without jobs before she is.

 

Crazy stuff.

[BornToResist]

I'm in a really strange mood.

 

Yesterday I was freaking out about EVERYTHING. I don't know why.

 

Today I'm jittery from too much coffee.

 

My brain doesn't make much sense.

 

My best friend went and interviewed my lawyer yesterday. She said she like him a lot and it reassured me that he's an awesome lawyer.

 

I had crazy dreams last night. I dreamed about the guy who I bought my car from. This is a guy I met once or twice. He was cute but I had a dream about him months later? That's weird. He was at my church...only it wasn't my church but it was in the dream...anyways I was talking and talking to him and then went to some mexican birthday party with him, even though neither one of us are mexican. Strange.

 

Today is my niece's birthday. I love her so so so much. She is 8 and just going through that wonderful "I'm so grown up and know everything" stage...but all it takes is a poke to the belly in just the right spot and she's rolling on the floor laughing hysterically just like she did when she was 3. It's crazy to watch children grow up. It's hard. She and I were so close from day one. I'm her favorite aunt by far and am the one who knows just who she is. I'm the one who gives her the presents she plays with first on her bday or christmas. She calls me to tell me about her classroom pets. It's sad because she was the one who would always climb all over me, I'd give her piggy back rides and be a jungle gym...but now she's too big. Her brother and sisters can climb all over me and sometimes she will try but she's just too big and I can't play with her like that anymore. I feel bad. She's so tall and is turning into such a wonderful person. Everyone says she looks just like me and could be my kid. She looks exactly like me actually...it's crazy.

 

Anyways. I can't imagine what I'm in for. It's hard to watch my niece grow up...I can't even comprehend what it will be like when I turn around and my son is turning 8...how sad. I want him to stay a tiny baby forever. I love snuggling with him and how he plays with my fingers or my hair when I'm feeding him a bottle and how relaxed he gets and just sprawls out in my arms and on my lap...how he tugs at my shirt in the middle of the night and those adorable baby squeals and giggles...aw. I love my little boy. He's absolutely beautiful and is only getting more and more irresistible by the day. I don't know what I did before him. How did I live? What did I get up in the morning for? I can't imagine life before or without him.

 

I'll be back.

[BornToResist]

I'm so lame at times.

 

Okay so I posted about that stupid boy who I hooked up with who has a gf.

 

Well, I have successfully stayed away from him. Go me.

 

BUT. I don't know what the heck is the matter with me. I don't want to "be" with him. No way. Not a chance. But I keep thinking in my head that I do.

 

I know I don't though.

 

I think subconsciously I just want him to try for me. I was like, the side dish...and I'm having trouble with that.

 

He calls me ALL the freaking time. I rarely answer, but he's always begging me to come over. WHAT the heck. WHY does he have a gf? It's messing with my head.

 

That's why I got away though.

 

But still...I feel like I want him. Although I don't. I think I just want to take him from her, however horrible that sounds. But it's like a game, isn't it? The chase, the catch and release. Same crap over and over. Well I am not pursuing it AT ALL but there's that thought in the back of my head, like "hmm...I wonder if I could get him..." How messed up. I'm not acting on it though. It's just...weird.

 

I had an awesome weekend though. I've been working like mad on my son's room. I got it all primered and so now it's no longer hot pink. It's white at the moment and I just gotta pick out the paint and primer his little cubby hole thing and closet, then move on to paint. It's going to be darling. I can't believe how big that room is. I'm so excited.

 

This morning I woke up with his little toes stuck in my rib cage. I started getting so excited that finally I'll be able to set his crib up. It was cute and sweet to sleep with him while he was itty bitty, but now, he's more than ready for his own bed. He doesn't need me to fall asleep anymore. He like, doesn't even want me there anymore (kinda sad cause I'm seeing he's growing up a little bit), and he like, kicks me out of MY bed.

 

So I'm excited.

 

I have a full on nursery, it's just all in pieces. I have bags of things for him all over the house, in storage, stuffed in my room and in the bathroom. It's going to be great to finish that room and have a place for it all. I cannot wait. Yay.

 

I just bought my mom her bday present. Now I only have like $150 bucks left...I don't know how I can possibly save any money like this. I really want new floors for the little guy but I just can't see how I will be able to do it.

 

I went to church yesterday. It made me sad. I don't have those feelings like they describe there. I see people raising their hands up when they're singing, and I just...I don't feel that way. I don't feel I should pray about every tiny thing. I feel like God, of all things, would know what's best for me. I surely don't. So many things have happened in my life that I thought would make it the end of the world, but it turned out it was just what I needed. I wouldn't have that stuff taken away cause I know it made me a better person.

 

But I see people pray to God to take them down a certain path...and I'm thinking...who are YOU? Why do YOU think YOU know more than GOD what's best for you? If anyone knows, it'd be Him, right? How lame. It's like, when kids throw fits...all they want is ice cream and cake and sweets. Parents say nope, you need to eat your veggies. Kids cry and scream and think their parents are so unfair. But they don't realize that if they got what they wanted, they'd be sick and unhealthy. They need to do what the parent says even if they don't agree. Parents know best. Well, God is just a big parent, isn't he? Who are we to tell him what we need.

 

And I keep thinking...who am I? Why would he answer these prayers? Things always turn out okay, I have faith they will, and they do. Why should he listen to my petty requests? I'm just one of billions of people on this earth...this earth is just one planet out of who knows how many...why would I matter...?

 

Oh wellllllllll I guess those are all answers I'll find out when I die.

 

Too much thinking for a Monday.

 

Geez, this guy is calling me again. WHAT did I get myself into? Why does he think I can be the chick on the side? Cause I'm not. I'm the girl you gotta try for and *maybe* you'll get a chance with. Not the one you call when your girlfriend isn't around and she comes over and services you. *puke*

 

I got asked out by my neighbor. It just reinforced the fact that I am in no way ready to date. Not even close.

 

I said maybe I'd be interested in going out to dinner sometime. Then I walked inside and obsessed. What the hell? I just got out of a crazy freaking relationship. I barely have time to go out with friends, I want to start school, my kid is only 6 mo. old. No time for stupid boys. And then I started thinking "does he do drugs? Is he gonna lie to me about it?" and decided no thanks. I have too many issues to sort through right now...I don't need any more, and especially someone else's. Thanks but no thanks.

 

Blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

[BornToResist]

I hate the stupid jerk.

 

Blahhhhhhhhhh I hate feeling like this more than I hate him though.

 

Last night was his visit. My son had a little rash on his face but it wasn't too bad, just looked like a little bug bite or something.

 

The second his dad saw him, he said "oh look, you got a ZIT!"

 

I know I'm overreacting but that really got to me.

 

My son is PERFECT. Perfection. Absolutely gorgeous, not a flaw. And he says something about a little spot on my son's face?

 

I don't say anything about his stupid gap teeth, his big fat nose, how short he is, or the fact that my infant son has more of a manhood than he EVER will...

 

ARG He really makes me angry.

 

I just wish he'd disappear. Not die, not anything bad happen (I'm trying to be the bigger person here), I just wish he'd be gone. Like, one day, have him erased from everyone's memory. How great would that be.

 

He wrote me an email saying "I've noticed he's having breathing problems, have you gotten that checked out?"

 

BOIHSEDL>HELRJHDFKJ#)*U$#*W$

 

YES I HAVE, not that I have any freaking help from you, guy! You don't pay his doctors bills, you don't help AT ALL. What kind of parent do you think I am? Like, congratulations, every other weekend dad. Way to be responsible. BLAH I REALLY DON'T LIKE HIM.

 

*bangs head on keyboard*

 

BUT he'll be around FOREVER. Just being the waste of skin he is, using up perfectly good air.

[BornToResist]

WOOHOO I'm so so so excited.

 

One of my good friends has started surfing. I'm so happy!

 

FINALLY I have someone to go with! It will be such motivation!

 

The only person I knew who surfed was my ex and there's no chance we're gonna go together again, so I was bummed out. But YAY now I have a friend! And she's just learning so it won't be like she's over at the really fast, hard spots and I'm stuck paddling around by myself because it's too big of a day for me. We can go together...even on crappy days...and she has kids so she understands I can't just drop everything and go without any warning. We're coordinating our schedules and won't be able to make it out for like 3 weeks as it is but that's good. Summer will have died down, all the kiddies will be back at school, and we might be able to go on a day where the beach isn't completely swamped.

 

SO EXCITED. Hello, prepregnancy figure. Goodbye soft spots and flab. WOOHOO.

 

I gotta go get myself a new wetsuit though...I totally outgrew mine. I don't have a little boy's body anymore. I got curves which are good, but means all new clothes, wetsuits, swimsuits, everything.

 

Yay.

[BornToResist]

I get too riled up at times.

 

What to do...what to do...

 

Tomorrow I gotta take my baby in for his 6 month checkup. More shots. Bummer. The really sad part is the doctor says "okay well hold his legs still now" and I gotta stand next to him, holding his arms and legs still while a doctor STICKS A NEEDLE IN THEM. How sad? He's so little and doesn't understand anything that's going on. He's laying there, happily tearing apart that paper cover thing on the baby scale, looking up at me with his one-tooth-grin, and then I start holding down his legs. He looks at me a little confused but trusts me and keeps watching me. Then WHAM-O, here's a sharp object stuck in your perfectly soft baby skin. I get to watch him look at me with that devastated expression while his eyes fill up and overflow with tears. His little bottom lip pouts out and he cries and cries...and I can't pick him up cause he has FOUR MORE shots to get...he just looks up at me with those huge eyes...how sad. Finally by the time I get to pick him up, he's crying so hard he's having trouble breathing right. It's so sad.

 

Blah tomorrow is gonna suck.

 

Anyways........today will be good though.

 

 

 

I finally came clean to my mom about all the crap I've done. She knows everything. It was so scary to tell her but I feel so much better now that it's done.

[BornToResist]

There's more earthquakes.

 

I can't feel them where I work, but they can be felt at my house.

 

That's where my baby is.

 

And I'm here.

 

What to do....I really, REALLY want to go home and be with him. I called the house and he was sleeping and woke up SCREAMING she said. They were hanging out outside because she's afraid there will be bigger ones.

 

What to do....sucks.

[BornToResist]

~A letter I'll never send~

 

Dear *you*,

 

I just wanted to write you this letter to let you know a few things. Feel free to respond, or crumple it up and throw it in the trash, it doesn't matter to me. I'm writing it for my own personal fulfillment.

 

However, these thoughts have passed through my head several times over the past few weeks. I wonder, who the hell do you think you are? Because I surely have no idea.

 

I was under the impression that you were one of my friends. Now, I'm not quite sure you know what that term means, considering you use it so loosely and consider whatever this is a "friendship." However I tend to disagree.

 

I wonder what goes through your head when you call me...just what is it you are thinking? I do not have any clue. I am a true friend to you, at least I try my hardest to be. I helped you through thick and thin, I've stood by your side when honestly, you were making awful decisions. Now I'm not asking for any applause because quite frankly, you were there in MANY of my darkest moments. And I will ALWAYS be grateful for that.

 

But recently I have seen a side of you that I cannot stand. I don't know if this is just who you are now, or a phase you are going through, or what, but I can't stand by and watch any longer. It's not just watching on my part, actually, because this is starting to overflow and negatively affect me and my life and make me question myself far too much.

 

Now, don't get me wrong, because I honestly love you in the truest sense of the word. Even if you hate me after reading this and disconnect and call me back in 5 years, I will still be there for you. I want to be there for you, you have been a positive influence on me many times.

 

But I just do not know what you want or where you are going.

 

You call me in the middle of the night, you text message me, we have awesome conversations just like we always had. But we took our relationship to the next level. That added so much to this. I find it toxic and confusing now.

 

It'd be one thing if this was under different circumstances, but it's not. YOU ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP. Period. That's basically all that needs to be said, but I will go on for my own selfish reasons.

 

Now. Everyone and their mother knows how I feel about this person you are in a relationship with, but I just want to say for the record that it really doesn't matter. You could be in a relationship with Saddam Huissain and it wouldn't matter. This is against my morals and it cannot continue.

 

I am a great partner. I was a great partner to you while we were together. That ended for whatever reasons and I think it's great that we could build a friendship out of it. BUT like I said, this friendship has taken a nose dive. I don't want it to affect what type of partner I could be in the future.

 

Feel free to live your life however you want to. You want to cheat, lie and deceive? Go right ahead. I am in no position to judge you. However, I will not be the one you cheat, lie and deceive with.

 

So if you would like to continue a friendship with me, you're really going to have to put in some effort. Because at this point in time, I am cutting you out. Not because I think you are a bad person by any means...I already stated that I do truly love you. I just have to do what is healthy for ME. And this definently is not even close to that.

 

I have found that I have my own bag of issues, and I won't let them interfere with your life as well. I'm not sure what exactly it is, but I can't resist you when I'm put in this situation. And I know that now. So. I refuse to put myself in this situation at all until something changes. It's just not fair to me.

 

So I wish you luck and hope that you find whatever it is that you need to find. I think that deep down you are an awesome person and it's truly a shame that things have gone this way, but that's a part of life I guess. I'm going to miss talking to you constantly but as you know, we can't even do that in an appropriate matter anymore.

 

Once again, good luck, and I hope your life makes a turn for the better or you make the decision we both know you should.

 

Take care,

Me.

 

P.S.

Just so you know, you suck in the bedroom.

[BornToResist]

I absolutely 100% love my life.

 

I have such great potential.

[BornToResist]

I'm wondering.

 

I know being jealous of others isn't necessarily a good thing. Well, maybe it's not TERRIBLE, but I just know you're not supposed to do it.

 

But what if you're jealous in a good way?

 

Like, one of my really great friends thinks her bf is going to propose.

 

This is just one of many many things like this.

 

I sit her and say "gosh. she's so lucky. why not me?" Is that so bad?

 

She's the one who gets everything she wants. And the worst part about it, is she is so level-headed and hardworking.

 

She grew up wealthy, we were friends since we were like 7. I saw her get a pony handed to her, bought a brand new car at 16, her parents are even buying her a house.

 

Every reason to hate her.

 

But she turned out the best out of all my friends.

 

She is so down to earth, she works her butt off, she's gone to school, worked umpteen amount of jobs, everything. She does everything right. She makes right decisions. ALL the right decisions. And she's just still so...great.

 

How does that happen?

 

I mean, people who get everything handed to them in life are supposed to be selfish, lazy, unpleasant people. At least that's the stereotype. That's what the world has us believing.

 

Then I watch this awkward little girl grow up...getting everything I could EVER want...and grew up into this gorgeous, responsible, intelligent, wonderful human being.

 

....why not me...?

 

I feel bad but I gotta wonder.

 

Oh well.

[BornToResist]

I'm so depressed today. This is so not like me.

 

BLAHHHHHHHHHH I just want to be at home.

 

Tonight I'm going out to dinner with a friend. That's exciting.

 

I painted more of my son's room this weekend. I painted the ceiling which is the hardest part because it hurts your back and it has a bunch of beams and weird places to paint.

 

I have paint in my hair.

 

Boohoo I suck today.

[BornToResist]

The one day I have plans, he calls and cancels. Oh well. More time with ma babay.

 

He's making it up on Thursday though.

 

I'm finally getting some child support. Next week.

 

I feel sick to my stomach about it though.

[BornToResist]

I just read this long story on a news website about how the justice system failed a single mom. Her husband died and she started dating...wound up dating a total psychopath...he ended up killing her and her new boyfriend.

 

It made my stomach flip flop.

 

I wonder how many women have this fear?

 

This lady tried EVERYTHING but nobody would listen to her. She knew he was going to kill her. It's so tragic.

 

Sometimes I think that my ex could do that to me.

 

He has an kid with another woman, but he didn't "care" for her like he cared for me. He still obsesses over what he thinks we were. She still was able to get a restraining order on him because he pushed her down and out of the way and ran in the house and took their daughter. Then he disappeared for a few days.

 

It's scary. He gets so angry sometimes...he gets so mean. And I'm only in the first year of this.

 

Now child support went UP. He has to pay A LOT. I'm not bragging because honestly it feels...weird. He hasn't paid anything yet, but I just...I don't know him anymore. Actually I never did, but he's done so many things over the past year I never thought anyone would do to me.

 

What else can he do?

 

I get scared of dying. A lot. I get scared because I know what would happen to my son. Legally, he would be given to my ex.

 

But I have it all worked out already. I know he'd be in good hands.

 

My point is...I wouldn't put it past my ex to ever think it's a good idea to take me out of the picture. I hope I'm wrong...I'm sure I am.

 

But to live with that fear...

 

People don't understand it.

 

When I was in court, I was shaking uncontrollably. I lost the feeling in my hands. I couldn't talk. I had to go hide in the bathroom for a few minutes to get ahold of myself. It wasn't because I was afraid of what the judge would say. I was afraid of his reaction.

 

At one point I went out by my lawyer and we looked downstairs into the courtyard and could see my ex. I didn't think he could see us. He looked up and smiled that terrible, scary smile. You know, like he knew I was scared of him.

 

After court, my lawyer ran down the stairs with me. We avoided the elevator because we didn't want my ex to see me. He told me he'd call me and talk to me rather than talking to me right then...he told me to run to my car and get out of there.

 

My ex doesn't know what kind of car I drive yet because I don't want him knowing when I'm home or not.

 

I don't think he wants to hurt me. I don't think he wants my son to be without a mother. I really don't think he wants any of that. I doubt he really is that nuts. I really don't think he is.

 

But the thought is always in my mind.

 

I have nightmares all the time. My son sleeps next to me, and we're kinda close to a window. I dream my ex comes in that window and kills me and takes my son and disappears. I wake up in a cold sweat and check on him.

 

Around the time he's supposed to drop the baby off, I start pacing the house and looking out the window. I think about what I'd do if he didn't return him. I wouldn't know where to start looking. That would be it...my life would be over. That would be worse than killing me.

 

Okay I just want to say though...I really don't think he'd do any of these things. It's normal for people to think about their worst fears...and many nightmares are things that would never ever happen in real life.

 

But I can't get rid of the thought.

[BornToResist]

You know it's going to be a good day when you stumble into work, heading for the coffee pot, and somone stops you to tell you you look funny. How would you react to that? Cause I just said HA get out of my way. What do people expect?

 

So I'm really stumped by my once really great guy friend. How come people can always see these things coming a mile away and I still seem to get blindsided? I gotta figure that one out. I'm sick of feeling dumb and crappy. I didn't think I would feel dumb or crappy about this, but I do. I think it's because of his stupid gf. She controls everything he ever does. That must be it. Should I even call him? Probably not. Am I going to? Most likely. Will I feel like crap after? Yeap. Why don't you just go get me a big ol fire so I can stick my hand in it repeatedly. Sounds fun.

 

I had dinner with the girls last night. It was amazing. I haven't done that in YEARS. I missed them! We're al grown up now, it's so crazy. We went and had sushi (yum) and I was thinking the last time we did that was like three years ago. Then I always go get in relationships and disappear. I always say I won't do it again, but I always do. But hopefully not this time. I'm a big girl now. I have a kid, my other friend is pregnant, and my OTHER friend is probably getting engaged here pretty soon. We're so adult-like.

 

Anyways.

 

I sent a text to that stupid boy and immediately regretted it. I don't know why I did that. So lame. I wrote "you used to be cool...what happened?" Cause I really do want to know. I'm hoping he'll just snap out of it and be cool again. But I'm learning the hard and slow way that most of the time when people change, whether it's for good or bad, they end up staying that way. Oh well...I'll deal w/it. It just sucks to feel that "ah man, you're one of THOSE people now?" feeling.

 

I'm getting baptized on Sunday. I've never been baptized before. I'm nervous. They say that life gets hard for like a month afterwards. I get worried about that but then another part of my head is saying BRING IT ON because I know I can handle most things. We'll see.

 

I love my church and everyone in it. I don't know how that happened. I've never been one for church. And I sure have never been one for waking up early in the morning. But every Sunday, there I am. I even volunteered to work in the nursery. So exciting...but so unlike me. Actually. No. It is like me. It's the new me. I surround myself with great people and do good things. That's me now. I like that person.

[BornToResist]

Good morning.

 

I'm exhausted. My plan was to wake up at 5 and get to work by 6:30 so I could get off work earlier. But that darn snooze button just looked way too appealing.

 

My kid's dad's house might burn down from that gigantic fire. I wrote him an email asking how close it was and he responded that the roads are closed and he can't even get up there. Sucks.

 

It's strange. He's being friendly. I don't know why...I don't know what to think about it either. I guess I won't think too much about it.

 

In my new found religious side, I started praying for that guy. Cause...everyone deserves to be happy I guess. And my son deserves an awesome father, no doubt about that one.

 

It's strange though how you can wish bad things upon a person, but when it starts to happen, you feel like you want to help them. I'm not going to do anything to help him because he's burned me far too many times, but I just wish the best for him. I am so happy to be at this place finally. I'm no longer getting walked all over by him or treated horribly and it feels great. I look back and wonder why was I so afraid to be alone? What is so terrible about being single? It's far less scary than being in a relationship like the one I was in.

 

But right now I really am enjoying not having to explain myself or even tell anybody where I am most of the day...I can go do whatever and not have to feel bad. I can go out with the girls during my only free time and not be made to feel guilty about it. I can sleep in the middle of the day without feeling weird...I can go buy myself lunch even without being made to feel guilty. How horrible is that...? The longer I'm out of that relationship the more I realize just how corrupt it was. I couldn't do anything right. Ever. And now I'm going through all these crazy mental moments and I don't have to explain myself or even understand myself all the time. It's great. I'm me again, watch out world.

 

Well, kinda me.

 

I go into the doctor next week because she thinks I need to up my dose on my medication. Scary cause it takes a while for it to kick in right and it takes a little while of feeling totally off and crazy. Oh well, it's for the better. I can't believe how much a little pill can help. I'm doing all kinds of self-therapy (if that makes sense) and trying to figure out all my issues so it's not like I pop a pill and go along my merry way...I know I'm not cured by any means is my point I guess.

 

I am pretty certain I'm supposed to marry Justin Timberlake.

[BornToResist]

Today is going to be one of those days, I can tell.

 

I had awful dreams last night...really crazy ones. I woke up at 5 cause the little one wanted to be fed. It was a good thing because my alarm didn't go off.

 

I feel like crap though. Let's see if I can make it through the day at work. I'm determined.

[BornToResist]

Okay well I'm freaking out inside my head. (I know that makes me sound crazy...)

 

I think maybe it's from being doped up on cold medicine for the past three days or so. It always puts a fog in my head that takes a bit to get rid of.

 

But I keep having panic attacks...I keep going from feeling euphoric almost to wanting to hide in the bathroom and cry.

 

This sucks.

 

My lawyer called me today just to talk about child support stuff...nothing big or important...but it made me want to go home and pull the covers over my head. I usually can handle all that kind of stuff but I don't know why that got to me. But everything is okay.

 

My ex is being ridiculously nice to me now. Saturday was his day with our son and I called him Saturday night to ask if he wanted to hang out with him for a few more hours since he was staying right around the corner from me basically for the weekend and I was so ill. I didn't want to give it to the baybay. Well, he was telling me how he hopes I feel better, then called later on Sunday to tell me our son missed his mommy and wanted to know if I was feeling better, etc. He dropped him off. Then he sent me an email yesterday asking how everything was, had no problems about missing his visit (the baby and I were both sick yesterday) and how he would like it if I could bring the baby out next time but he understands if I don't want to.

 

It's like...when things get a little TOO quiet, you gotta wonder what's coming...

 

But then again I just know this is temporary. I am a seasoned vet when it comes to that guy and his crazy mood swings. I know it's only a matter of time before he flips out again. Fun stuff.

 

My head is seriously pounding and I feel all jittery and uncomfortable, paranoid almost.

 

Ughhhhhh

[BornToResist]

I feel crazy.

[BornToResist]

I love short weeks so much. I keep thinking "man I hate Mondays" and yet it's Tuesday! Hip hip. I could get used to this.

 

So I don't have any idea why it's so freaking hot. SoCal has been having this ridiculous heat wave and I'm pretty much over it. Yesterday it was like 109. What? That's not right. They say it's over and I really hope so. I've been trying to conserve energy as much as possible but I really need to do some laundry. Although I'm enjoying this whole "just go out and buy something new" approach to clothes.

 

My ex called me last night. He's supposed to pick up the baby at 7:30 and if he's not going to make it, it's court ordered to let me know at 5:30 at the latest. *sigh* I had this inkling that he wasn't going to make it. But alas, 5:30 comes and goes and no call. No email. Around 7 I feed the baby and change him into some clean clothes (he was nudie all day cause of the heat...well diaper-nude) and we're waiting. Waiting. Waiting. 7:30 rolls around and we're hanging out, looking out the window...he's all ready to go. 7:36 the phone rings. Yeap. My ex. "Ohhhh...I can't make it, sorry for the late notice, sorry sorry sorry." ARG! I just say okay whatever. I head to the restroom (I've been resisting for the past 30 minutes so I could be out there when he shows up, TMI, I know) and the phone rings again. I don't get it in time but it was my ex again. I think it's probably better I don't talk to him at the moment anyways.

 

I was stoked to have my baby for the night, but come on, is it necessary to wait until after you're supposed to be there to call me? You KNOW I'm sitting at home waiting for you with a ready-to-go infant. NOT NICE.

 

So he calls back about an hour later. "I'm so sorry for everything I've ever done wrong to you...you're honestly one of the best people I've ever met in my life...I'm so sorry...I really messed everything up and I'm so so sorry." Ooooooo----kay...? Thanks? Bye.

 

WHATEVER DUDE.

 

I'm over all that. Don't even worry about it anymore. I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU. blah.

 

Stupid boy.

[BornToResist]

My ex called me. Asked me all about daycares, who is watching our son at the moment.

 

I don't have any regrets because I think the I have the best person possible watching him at the moment, as well as the best daycare around all signed up and paid for, just waiting to start...but I feel like he's going to start problems.

 

Maybe he won't. Maybe he'll be cool about everything.

 

But why did he always have to give me hell for every little thing? I always feel nervous and like I'm doing something wrong. But I'm not.

 

Eyeyeye.

[BornToResist]

Okay so I found out why my ex wants to be involved in daycares. He wants to make sure they have a tax ID so he can write off child care on his taxes. I'm almost certain that he's going to try to claim our son on his taxes.

 

He's so infuriating. He has yet to pay any child support but wants that big fat check that comes at tax time. Grrrrrrreat.

 

Oh well.

 

I'm so incredibly depressed today. I just want to be with my baby. That song "Runaway Train" came on the radio and I remember listening to that way back in the day when my brother was a runaway. I remember what it did to my family and especially my mother. That was devastating. I hope my little one doesn't follow in those kinds of footsteps.

 

I don't know why I worry so much. He's barely seven months old. I won't have to worry about any of that stuff for over TEN years. I'm jumping the gun just a tad, doncha think?

 

It's only 11 am............time is creeping by.

 

My bff's baby shower is this weekend. I'm so excited. I'm going to end up spending a fortune on her, I know it. She's having her baby in the hospital by me so I can visit a lot if she wants. Or not. Who knows. I liked having visitors though. Just not dramatic ones.

 

When I went to drop my son off this morning, my friend was telling me how sad she is that this is the last week she gets to watch him. Then he goes into daycare. He loves her SOoooooooo much. He always reaches his arms out to her and isn't in any big hurry to leave. She eventually wants me to move in with her and I'm thinking I just might, if I get my stuff together and can handle it. She'll have her little one so they both can have someone to play with, plus when will be the next time I'll get to live with a girlfriend? This may be my last chance. I hope it is, anyways. I'd like to eventually get my own place but everything is so freaking expensive here. I'd like to get a nice two bedroom condo but I'm thinking I'll probably have to sell one or more of my limbs before that happens.

 

I totally missed my opportunity to take the college class I wanted. *sigh* Maybe I could give it one last desperate try and email the teacher and ask if there are any openings blah blah blah. We'll see if it's supposed to happen or not. Besides, there's always next semester.

[BornToResist]

I don't even know what to think.

 

A girl I used to work with just lost her baby girl. Her six month old baby girl.

 

I'm in shock. She had a bronchial infection and they took her to the doctor. They gave her a breathing machine and medicine. She woke up at 5am and fed her. Went back to bed. Woke up at 9am and she was dead.

 

What a terrible awful thing.

 

Six months.

[BornToResist]

I had my first therapy appointment yesterday. Geez I do so much driving it's stupid. I drive for 20 minutes to drop my son off, drive for another 20 to get to work, drive 20 minutes to pick him up, 20 minutes to drive home, then last night I drove for 30 minutes to the therapist, and 30 minutes home. Wow, lots of driving. I'm ready for gas prices to go down, that's for sure.

 

Anyways enough of that complaint. My point was that it was great. He's this older gentleman with half glasses and happy eyes and an infectious laugh. I sat down on the couch thingy (it wasn't a typical thing like you see on TV, it was comfy and cozy) and got nervous. He asked me to tell me a little about myself and I said I didn't know where to start...then it all just fell out of my mouth. Everything. I told a pretty good story. He asked what I wanted to work on, and I said I don't want to take pills anymore. I want to know how to effectively handle my ex in a healthy way, since I'll have to do it for quite some time. And I said I don't want to attract the same type of guys I have been.

 

He said great, I had an awesome attitude about everything and we'll work on depression first. The appointment was already over. I had blabbered for an hour. It was crazy.

 

He did tell me a little about emotions and it felt so good to hear that it's okay to feel all the things I do. Emotions are there for a reason and although it may feel bad to feel these things sometimes, it's a good thing we do. And depression is because you feel a loss and you have to take corrective action to "recover" from that so we'll dig deeper into later on. All in all (once I found the place) it was awesome.

 

-----

I'm so happy it's Friday. I have finally gotten off my butt and am taking care of everything I need to. Getting into therapy was first...now today I drop off my car to get it fixed, next week I go to the eye doctor and the dentist and get the therapist again as well as start the little one in that daycare I have been eagerly waiting for. I have to call the lady today to ask what I should bring for him. It's sad though because he really loves being where he is right now. She's one of my good friends though so I'll see her often.

 

So today I go to drop off my car, then the baby gets picked up so I have a couple hours to go get my nails done....tomorrow I have to drop off my son at his dad's at 9am (1 1/2 hours away) then go to a baby shower. Then after that I'm going to paint the nursery. Busy busy busy. Sunday I have church, the carwash for that little girl, and finish painting the nursery.

 

Okay well there's my agenda. Nice. Nice and boring.

 

ooga booga.

[BornToResist]

This medicine is working wonders. I feel so great.

 

Had a good weekend. Did lots of stuff. The little one was at his pop's so I got some free time. I had so much planned but ended up falling asleep REALLY early because when that kid isn't around, all the exhaustion hits me HARD. It was good to recharge.

 

I went to my girlfriend's baby shower. She got SO much stuff. Multiples of many things. Sunday I went with her to the store so she could return a bunch of stuff she didn't need and spent $525 of her gift cards. She got so much, she still has a lot. That baby is set.

 

I miss my little one. Today was his first official day at that daycare. I was so prepared but I cannot wait to go pick him up. He is usually mad at me when I leave him with people he doesn't know and won't look at me for a few hours. So I'll get the cold shoulder. Then he goes out with his dad tonight again. I think I'll get that much needed pedicure. If they're still open.

 

I took my car to the shop this weekend and got it all checked out and everything taken care of. Good stuff. It doesn't sound like the Jetson's car anymore.

 

My brother sent me some tickets he has from some stuff he put in the pawn shop before he left. I have til tomorrow to get it out and then it's ALL MINE. I got a badass amp that's worth well over a grand, a beautiful les paul guitar, and...something else. I don't remember what else is in there. But yay.

 

Life is good.

[BornToResist]

I'm kinda jealous of one of my best friends. I hate feeling this way and always talk myself out of it. But I can't help it. I don't feel that "bad" jealous feeling. But I look at her and am just like...man. You're awesome. Oh and it's not in any perverted way. She's gorgeous. Not that kind of turn-your-head drop dead gorgeous, but when you start talking to her, she just is kinda captivating. It's hard to explain. She's so dedicated to everything she does and plans to achieve great things. I'm very lucky to have her around and hope some of whatever that is that she has rubs off on me. I wonder if others felt this way before. I find myself wondering why can't I be more like you? It's frustrating because I like who I am...but I guess it's also a good thing. She has a ton of great qualities that I wish I had. She's a great person and is also about to do this single mother thing...although I doubt she'll be single for long. She's awesome.

 

Okay enough sounding like a crazy stalker person, lol.

 

I got my eyes dialated last night. What a crappy feeling. Today I go to the dentist. Highlight of my week jk. I'm getting all this crappy stuff out of the way all in the same week.

 

I think I'm gonna win the lotto tonight. Let's hope.