Should you wait for your Ex?

[zerohour]

Should you wait around to see if your Ex wants to get back together?

 

It seems to me that many people here have dealt with a breakup that gives them room to believe that there is a good chance of their ex changing their mind about the relationship (myself included). We all like this quite a bit because it gives us all kinds of hope for the future—but unfortunately, most of that hope is in our minds. If she (or he) says "this just doesn't feel like it's what I need right now," we hear "I will probably need this later." If she says "it's not you… I just don't want to see anybody right now," we hear "when I'm ready to date, I'll want to be with you again."

 

Sound familiar? From what I've read here, just about every person whose ex wasn't crystal clear about their breakup being permanent has feelings like this. And unfortunately, the natural progression from an ambiguous breakup is for us to want to wait. Wait around for our exs to come to their senses.

 

Well, after my last breakup, I have had plenty of time to muse on this subject, and have come to the conclusion that there are three main reasons why we (at least I) wait around. Firstly, it prevents us from having to accept the finality of the situation—you're really broken up, this isn't just a temporary phase. Secondly, we're afraid that if we begin to change and grow from the situation, we won't be the same person that our ex found so attractive to begin with. We want to stay as we are now, because we think that's the "us" that our exs like. And finally, we don't really WANT to start getting over our exs, because chances are that once we do, we will decide that we don't really want to be with them anyway.

 

I'll explain why these three reasons are all BAD reasons for waiting around… and why waiting around in general is bad.

 

The first reason: not wanting to accept the finality of the breakup.

 

It's nice to think that this is a temporary thing, because if that's the case, then our minds will not be forced to begin the grieving process and road to eventual recovery. That's a lot of work to do, and if you can convince yourself that it's not necessary (I.E. you will be getting back together soon), then why even bother going through it? Your mind wants to do anything it can to avoid going through the torturous grieving process, so it will start to hear what it wants to, and to fool itself into thinking that it's not really over for good.

 

What you need to realize is that a breakup (or even a "break") means that what you had is over for good. This phase of your relationship with your ex has come to an end—that's what a break up means, and your ex knows that and actually wants that, despite what he or she may say to soften the blow to you. The problem is that most people when they initiate a breakup still care immensely for the other person, and want to do whatever possible to avoid hurting them, so they will try to take the path of least resistance (at least for them). They will try to sugar coat and soften their words as much as possible—sometimes to the point where it is almost unclear to the person being broken up with as to what they are actually trying to say. But rest assured—actions speak louder than words. Bottom line, they are breaking up with you. It doesn't matter what they're saying to go along with the breakup, the bottom line is that they are breaking up with you, and you need to get that through your mind. Nobody breaks up with someone that they really want to be with, that's just ridiculous.

 

The second reason: not wanting to change and thereby possibly turn your ex off.

 

This has to be one of the most absurd lines of reasoning ever conceived by man, and yet, we all come up with it. Your ex has told you that she needs "space to be her own person," and that she can't do that while you two are still dating. Well… ok, then we will just back off and give her space, and when she's done needing space we can get back together with her. It makes perfect sense right?

 

Hardly.

 

The first bit of flawed logic here is that this line actually leaves room for getting back together. Unless she gave you a solid date on which you two will be getting back together, then this means "I want to break up for good." The ambiguity is just in there as a way of softening the blow to the breakee (us). But even if she does say something like "let's take a break for a month and see how it goes," I still wouldn't recommend waiting around. Why?

 

Because independence is attractive. Go ahead… picture your ex pining over you. She's sitting in her room crying, wishing you were there. Now some of you might find this comforting to think that your ex still cares (which she probably does, believe it or not—otherwise she would have just said "*** off"). But is it really attractive? No, it's mostly pathetic. Now picture your ex out at a party, meeting new guys, getting drunk, having fun. Which one is more attractive? The second one, obviously—because it shows that she is independent (not dependent on you for happiness). If you grovel at your exs feet and whimper at her memory, she will think that's cute for just a few seconds before getting completely turned off by it (believe me on this one—from experience). Everybody wants to be with someone who's fun to be around, and a strong person. And guess what, by crawling back to your ex, whether it be by calling her, sending her gifts, showing up unexpectedly at her work, basically anything that hints that you want to get back together—well, you're just showcasing your complete and utter dependence on her for your own happiness. And that's unattractive.

 

Think about what originally attracted you to your ex. Was it because she was mercilessly throwing herself at your feet? Of course not, and I'd be willing to bet that if she had, you two would have never gotten together in the first place. Even if part of you likes to be showered with affection, another part of you thinks… "this is just too easy—there's got to be something wrong."

 

The last reason: fear of getting over your ex.

 

Now doesn't this sound like the most twisted thing ever. I thought we wanted to get over our exs… right? Well, ask yourself: do you? Imagine yourself three months from now, you've gotten over your ex—you have absolutely no desire to be with her again. You've remembered all of the annoying habits she had, you remembered that you two had incompatible life goals, and you remember how much you used to fight—and frankly, you're glad to be broken up. Does this sound like the resolution that you're looking for?

 

It certainly wasn't for me. The only resolution most of us want at this point is to be back together with our exs.

 

What you have to force yourself to realize is that "future you" is going to know more than the present you does. After dealing with this situation for three months, and going through a painful grieving process, he has come out wiser. Your problem is that you don't trust your future self's reasoning for getting over your ex. Present you wants to be back together with her so bad that you're not going to trust your future self—who has already gotten over her. You want it for both of you, even though future self doesn't want her anymore.

 

Deep down, we all know that we will eventually get over our ex. But we don't want that. Because that means that our desire—and more importantly, the good memories that create our desire for them—have been extinguished. Human beings like to hang on to things that they know are (at least partially) good. But we have to force ourselves to realize that this, believe it or not, is for the best. You WILL be a stronger person for getting over your ex, whether you can see that now or not.

 

 

 

So do we wait for them?

 

No. We don't. They gave us this freedom to be single. To sit around and say "I'll put my love life on hold for you" is pathetic (not to mention unattractive), and it's unreasonable for our ex to expect us to do that—she can't both have you and be single at the same time, that's not how the world works (at least it shouldn't be). Don't let anyone walk all over you by refusing to get on with your life. In all seriousness, the chances that you and your ex will actually get back together and slim to none.

 

But consider this…

 

If you end up getting back together before you have moved on, chances are that you're back together NOT because you really want to be with each other, but rather, because you both don't know how to be without each other. And that's not a healthy relationship—it's a dependence, and to everyone on the outside (friends and family), it looks weak.

 

What you need to swallow is that what you had is over, and in the future, if you DO end up getting back together after you have both moved on, it will be for all of the right reasons, and none of the wrong ones. You will be starting a new relationship on new grounds, and then (and only then) will you have any chance of it working out in the long run.

 

Hope this has helped at least one person—if nothing else, it's helped me to organize my thoughts. Thanks for reading.

 

Peace,

-Zer0

[Seraph]

Actually, wow. I just waded through that and every word of it makes sense. And it is nicely organized! You made things very clear for me with phrases like --this is unattractive--.

You're helping me get over my ex. I haven't quite accepted that it's 100% over, yet... I'm still clinging on to the hope that we'll be back once school starts. But having my hopes up like that only sets me up for a fall. I have to move on.

 

Thanks a bunch!

[don87gn]

dude thank you so much for writing that...i was starting to get pathetic and i couldn't stop thinking about my ex who CHEATED on me and dumped me for no reason but yet i still want her back...god i am a moron! i need to get out with my friends and have fun! every single part of that is so true...i say i will not even contact my ex...let her contact me...let her get on her hands and knees BEGGING to get back with me...if it's anything less i am not taking her back...time to move on and find someone who REALLY does LOVE me and doesn't want to play games

[zerohour]

Hi don,

 

Sorry to hear about your Ex... that's got to be rough. But you're doing the right thing by trying to limit contact with her. If you want my thoughts on a good way to do that, you should consider reading my post here:

 

link removed

 

I talk about how I broke off contact with my ex, and how I think it was the best way to go about doing it.

 

I wish you the best of luck finding a new love interest--she's out there!

 

-Zer0

[faster302]

WOW is right Zero said it all, this is very deep! I think everyone going threw a brake up or trying to get back together should read this! I wish I could express myself that way with so much meaning. I am going to apply your message to my daily life....

[vampyr]

yep.. word for word, it's exactly what is happening to me. I keep hoping because she made our break up so unclear. She cries when she sees me and sees what she is leaving... to the point that her hands shake and she feels like throwing up. I don't get it. She even says she hates herself for doing it. I just look at her and think to myself why anyone would put themselves through this. I want to hold her and try to tell her that she will be strong, and I have... but at the same time I want to chain her to the floor so she never leaves.

I can kid myself that there is still hope, but like you posted... once you leave, you have made up your mind not to try to make the relationship better. Absense does NOT make the heart grow fonder... it only makes it empty.

Good posting... I need to keep reading that every day to face the reality and move on. I can't wait to feel free from this heartache.

[reborn]

WOA, WOW!!!!!!!! I am speachless after reading zerohours posting! This has got to be one of the most realistic ever postings on enotalone or about anything I read concerning the topic of breakups, and I have read A LOT in this past 4 months since being dumped, believe me.

As I read it I kept saying "ouch" and feeling "ouch!!!" It is all so hard, but sooooo very true.

I don´t know what to say. And I am usually one of those posters that writes a lot, but zero has said it all. So realistic that it was almost ruthless, but in the most sensible of ways. It is a big wake up call to all us folks here at enotalone. Zero has come in like an angel with the bare truth to open all of our eyes! Truth hurts, but truth is truth and we eventually have to face it. Is what is.

I am copy pasting this message and read it a few times a day when I am feeling weak and unrealistic.

Hope is good, but in this cases it can really work against us by keeping us stuck and suffering, it is addictive though.The grieving process is very painful and our human mind and nature seem to distort it all. But it is also our human nature to rise after a hard fall, and be reborn...thus my enotalone name.

So here, cheers to all of us who head this hard but liberating road. Here is to our rebirth

-Reborn

[oinmd]

Thank you for your post Zero, my Fiance broke up with me a month ago and moved out of our house yesterday. I know that I need to move on and I have been trying to remain strong, but I broke down yesterday as she moved all her stuff out. Your post shows me that this feeling that I have of waiting to get back together is wrong, and that everyone has it. It's just that sometimes your heart is way stronger than your mind. I know I need to cut off contact with her and give her space, but it's just very difficult to do. She wants to go to see a movie with me sometime soon, but now I'm starting to wonder if she just wants to check up on me, or just try to make sure she isn't burning any bridges. I am considering telling her that I'm not ready when she calls me to ask me to go to the movies with her. I definitely will let her be the one to contact me from now on though.

 

Also, after the break up, I asked her to go to counseling with me on the advice of my therapist. I let her know that it wasn't counseling to try to get back together, but more so to find out what went wrong. I found out a lot during the two sessions we went through and so did she. I realized that there was a huge miscommunication. There was a lot of things that she tried to tell me through her moods or actions, and the therapist called her on it. She realized that she hadn't communicated with me her feelings and she thought that I knew that our relationship was on the rocks and that I wasn't trying to fix it. The fact was that I had no clue, because she was never honest with me about her feelings, because she was afraid her feelings would hurt me. Through those sessions we were both able to recognize the mistakes we both made and also why we made those mistakes. I think it will help both of us in our next relationship.

 

Here is the link to my post about my breakup:

 

link removed

[hottopicman83]

I can't believe how close to home this is. I've been trying to get back with my g/f of 2 years, and then I read this and I thought, "My god, I can't believe how ture this is." I have stopped trying to get back together with her, be cause its useless, if its going to start again; shes going to have to start it, but in the mean time, I'll try to get over her as best as I can so I can start dating again.

[FinchFreak2002]

SO ALL HOPE IS LOST HUH...I AM MOVING ON WITH MY LIFE, BUT I STILL HAVE THE HOPE THAT I WILL GET BACK WITH MY EX. IS THERE NO HOPE? WHY THE ALL THE BITTERNESS TOWARDS THE EX G/F AND B/F'S

[lost_and_confused]

This article is one of the best put together i have read on eNotalone. Umm i recently broke it off with my ex about a month ago and the next day relized that it wasn't right. I really didn't want to break up. That we needed to talk thing out. But the next day i went and talked to her and she knew i would come back and appologized and she told me that she needed time to think.

 

Well after that i relized that there a chance for us to get back together. I felt like i need to talk to her like everyday. I pretty much did call or email or text messaged her except on the weekend. But i relized from eNotalone postings and from just plain time its better just to let time and for her to come to me if there is ever a chance for us to be together. I still love her deeply.

 

But time does help make u feel better.

 

I know this may not seem right. But date. I'm not saying go out with anybody. You with another perosn may make them jealous and want you. Hey if things don't work out between you and your new somebody. but only go back because you think there is a future not if u just feel like you need her back.

[mfurb33]

Thank you, zerohour....Sometimes we all need a little 'slap in the face' when dealing with situations of 'holding on' to somethig that just might not be there anymore. It's hard to turn that last page and close the book, so to speak...and the way our minds interpret things....it's just crazy. I hope I can convince myself to read this post daily, so that I can try and move on a little more each day...thanks again....that really hit home...

[Jedi Bartender]

Yeah, that post helped me too! My situation seemed unique, but everyone thinks that right? I guess I do wish that the reasons we can't be together were a little clearer. The fact that she can't see me in her life that way or even more possibly in anyway is what I need to deal with! The hardest part is we were friends long before we became a couple. Although we were only an item for 2 months, I spent the past 10 months falling in love with her deciding she meant the world to me! Now I'm torn between salvaging the friendship and appearing weak? I'm drowning emotionaly trying to do the right thing for me? Great advice Zero I'm just having trouble dealing with applying it to my own life! I will read it often!

[still]

wow.. zeor.. danks.. its so true.. i been thinking bout wat you said n i think everyword you said its lyke true.. its just like me thinking bout my ex.. but it hurts because .. now that i read this.. i dont know if i should keep chasing after her.. because i really think that we have something n i truley love her.. but maybe im chasing after her for the wrong reasons.. i mean thats why she wanted to end it in the first place rite? but anyways thanks again man

[chedchase]

Good stuff. But, after reading your post I became interested in what you thought if you were the the dumper not the dumpee...I am regretting ever breaking up with my ex and I did it because I thought it would be easier when she left for medical school (I feel so pathetic that this is the only thing I have mentioned on here) but it turned out to be harder than anything I could have imagined.

 

So, what about the dumpee?

[lil_mamarains13]

That was an excellent article. Truly opened my eyes. I am young and very naive so your experience has helped me grow.

 

In regards to the dumpee question. I believe that people make mistakes, but if you two were meant to be together fate will make that happen. In the mean time don't beat yourself up because that only makes you an unhealthy person which like Zero says is Unattractive.

[room302]

absouloute genius perfectly written. Just GENIUS

[FinchFreak2002]

Well everybody, I'm happy to say that I met my ex the other day in the mall again. She actually seemed happy to see me and we went for coffee together. We spoke for about a half hour and she gave me her new cell number. We're supposed to go out one night this week. All this after 7 months of not really seeing her or speaking much to her. I don't know what her intentions are or what she's thinking, but nonetheless, I'm really happy we're talking and we're going to go out together. Any advice or ideas about how to proceed? I know I should take things real slow and not rush anything. I don't want to ruin this. I'm still sort of walking on egg shells here. Anyone have experience with this?

[radiofoot]

thank you, you just made me feel a whole lot better. i think i can manage to get on with things now that everything I was thinking was logically laid out on the table.

THANK YOU!

[GX9117]

Zero, absolutly great post. You hit something really universal with all of us. I have been reading alot about the subject and this has been the most helpful post. Its hard to face reality, but you explained it so well. Just like some others here, I'm gonna save it to read on my weak days. I think you deserve hero status. Here herozero

 

Not much else to say, everyone pretty much summed it up, so just thanks again for a great post.

[Mar]

Not to sound mundane and repetitive, but kudos to you, Zerohour, that was an EXCELLENT post, the best I've seen on the subject. I've had thoughts about breaking it off with my fiancee due to several issues I have that haven't been resolved through discussion, and your post made me think a lot harder about the reasons behind the breakup and what the aftereffects would be, not to mention the positive note on the healing process. I completely agree that waiting around is a waste of time, and that if you're going to get back together and resume the relationship, it will happen down the road. Otherwise it's just rebound, of a sort, and you're right back where you were in the first place. Thanks again for the clarity and honesty, sharing your experience and thoughts on the aftermath was greatly appreciated!

[4EverNight]

Zerohour,

 

Wondering if you could shed some light on this. I was seeing a woman who already had a boyfriend but he was living elsewhere (about two hours away). She was the one who initiated our relationship and I fell for her hard. Though I hated being the other guy I stll continued to see her. She would see her boyfriend once in awhile which got on my nerves. We had a great time for about 8 months until her boyfriend decided that he wanted her move where he is so she told me that we should only be frineds. This was difficult for me because we both work in the same building and she commutes from her home to work everyday though it's a long drive. The moment I let her go, she starts to call me at home first thing in the morning or when she's at home. She still tells me how she feels about me and told me that the reason she moved in with her boyfriend was to see it their relationship could work out and that she could not just throw it all away because they have been together for 3 years. I understood that but why is she still clinging on? She even gets upset when I began to see other women. Evertime I think I'm getting over her, she pulls me back in. I was planning a vacation and I thought what would she do if I asked her come along and to my surprise she said she would and tell her boyfriend that she was going on a business trip. I have no idea what's going on with her. If she truly wants it to work with her boyfriend and told me that we are just friends, why would she agree to go with me? I've tried many times to close contact with her but as soon as I do, she starts to call me or e-mail me. It's all confusing. Any advice would be appreciated.

[chedchase]

Well...sticky situation you have. It's hard to be in a relationship with someone who lives with someone else, say nothing about having feelings for someone else. This is going to be more trouble than it's worth, I believe. Would you really want to be in a relationship with someone who can't make up her mind? What if she does this to you? What if you become the boyfriend who she tells she is going on a business trip but she really isn't going on a trip for business at all.

 

This has trouble written all over it. Actions have consequences and you could get into a very, very bad situation. What if she turns on you and tells her boyfriend you advanced her???

 

Best advice I can give, and I am sure Zer0 will re-iterate this, is to back completely off. Ignore all contact and tell her you won't be involved with someone that's living with someone else. She has different feelings than you do for her....either that or she has some problems because she's living with someone other than you.

 

Get out. This is about to get ugly, my friend.

 

Tell her you can't put yourself in the middle of the two and can no longer see her on the side. Put yourself and your feelings first..

 

Ched.

[4EverNight]

Chedchase,

 

Your right about everything. I am planning to leave it all alone but just when I think I'm over it, she pulls me back in. I guess I hate to break it off because I'd still like to be friends. Most of the women I used to date are still good friends. I just don't see why everything has to be gone if you don't have to. But with her I just might have to lose all contact though she will continue to call or e-mail me. It sucks being second best.

Thanks for the reply.

[Iarra]

Bump.

 

Thought this would help a lot of people.