My BF isn't stopping me from buying a place!

[MARYGIRL]

Am I overreacting to this?

 

My BF and I recently got back together. We started dating about a year ago. He lives an hour's drive away from me. My mom recently told me that she'd help me buy a condo/townhouse where I live. It would be an investment for her, and a place for me to live, and earn equity. It's a great opportunity, but something I'd have to be in for the long haul. I can't just up and move after a year or 2. I talked to my mom about it. I'm 25 and I asked her: What if I get married? What if I just want to move? She said we'd deal with that when it happens.

 

My concern is my BF. Maybe I'm just reading too much into this. He's been VERY supportive. I've been a little discouraged because it's hard to find something in my price range. He's said, "Don't feel bad if you don't find a place right away." "You just need to keep looking." etc. But I'm upset that he isn't STOPPING me from going into a deal that's going to keep me here for years! He CAN'T relocate. Does he not see a future with me? Wouldn't he say, "Maybe you should look into buying a place closer to me." if he saw being with me in the next few years?

 

Again, maybe I'm being too analyzing. I could just sell the place, or rent it out if I want to move. I'd love to hear some other opinions.

[renaissancewoman101]

Maybe since you guys just got back together he is afraid to get so close to you, so he doesnt want to pressure you about why you are buying a condo in your area and not closer to him.

 

When you first broke up, who broke up with who and why? What made you guys get back together? Did you guys work on the issues that broke you guys up in the first place?

[Meow18]

Maybe he thinks this is something you really want, and he's not going to be unsupportive of it.

 

You have only been dating for a year. And you have broken up. So you haven't really been with him that long. Realisticly, chances are you probably won't be getting married within the next year or 2 anyway.

 

I would say to just find something YOU are happy with. Don't worry about all the what ifs. Cause what if for whatever reason you and your boyfriend do break up again within the next year? You might be stuck with something you aren't completely happy with.

[Goodfun88]

I think maybe you are overreacting. Are you doing this to try and push and see if he'd stop you and say no don't do that, come live near me? I think he's honestly trying to be supportive, because you've already stated what you are going to do. He probably thinks you would have asked or talked about you moving closer to him if you were getting a place, and since you haven't brought it up, why should he? Why don't you bring it up and see how he responds? You could say something like, "I was thinking, I haven't found anything here I like, what would you think about me trying to get a place closer to you?" Good luck!

[RayKay]

So she is putting downpayment on it, but you are paying mortgage? Or you are splitting mortgage I am a bit confused about the investment for her, equity for you part I guess! Just curious!

 

Anyway, I mean it's very good of her to do if she can, and if it helps you have a home to live in - great!

 

My advice...don't stop living life and being independent to sit around waiting for a boyfriend - ever. If he wants to marry you, live with you, whatever...you having a home will not "stop him" from making it clear he wants that. But I will say you WILL regret it if you pass up opportunities to find out that you passed them up for nada. Besides, living on your own is FANTASTIC (and a good idea before you live with someone in my opinion!).

 

I mean you have only been dating a year, JUST reconciled and are rebuilding things.

 

The fact is you can always sell or rent it out later (condos are very rentable) and it sounds like he is just supportive of you taking this opportunity.

 

? Why don't you just say something like "I am really excited about this chance to get my own place, though I do wonder if perhaps it is not wise to tie myself down to this place if we want to move closer together in the future." It will start a conversation. But anyway, an hour apart is not that long, for me given the fact you have only been dating a year, are not formally planning to live together yet etc, just reconciled and are only an hour away it would just be good reasons to go ahead and buy a place for YOU.

[BellaDonna]

I think you are looking to deep into this. I think it's good that he is being supportive of you.

 

Wouldn't he say, "Maybe you should look into buying a place closer to me." if he saw being with me in the next few years?

 

 

An hour apart is not that far, and if he thinks you have a good relationship right now, perhaps he feels he'd be pressuring you/scaring you/ over-stepping boundaries if he asked you to movee to where he is.

 

I don't think there's any hidden meaning to him being supportive.

 

Have you had a talk with your boyfriend about his views towards marriage and what he wants for the future? I think it's best to address these things directly instead of trying to read into other behavior.

 

BellaDonna

[RayKay]

I think you are looking to deep into this. I think it's good that he is being supportive of you.

 

An hour apart is not that far, and if he thinks you have a good relationship right now, perhaps he feels he'd be pressuring you/scaring you/ over-stepping boundaries if he asked you to movee to where he is.

 

I don't think there's any hidden meaning to him being supportive.

 

Have you had a talk with your boyfriend about his views towards marriage and what he wants for the future? I think it's best to address these things directly instead of trying to read into other behavior.

 

BellaDonna

 

Agreed 100% with Bella!

 

As a couple, you really need to address things directly like this, instead of blame him for things you "suppose" he is meaning

[DN]

There is also a possibility that he is thinking you are trying to distance yourself from him - i.e. "if she wants to be with me why is she thinking about buying a home there?"

 

Communication is key here before one or both of you gets the wrong message.

[Jayar]

I don't have much advice to offer other than congrats, this seems like a GREAT opportunity for you! My parents are also helping me buy my first home (well it was gonna be for both the ex and I, but now it's just me) and I'm so excited.

 

They're waiting for the market to come down then purchase a new home (cash) for me and "rent" to me for just carrying costs (just bills, maintenance, and taxes) and then sell it to me for the price paid when the market is back up and the interest rate is back down so I am in that coveted LOW house price, LOW interest mortgage situation. Aren't mom's wonderful?!

[Momene]

I've known people move into a house alone while in a relationship and for it to work out in the long run. It doesn't put a block on you ever living together or getting married, maybe just for a year or so.

[MARYGIRL]

I know it's a great opportunity to own porperty, in Los Angeles! He's been very supportive too, looking up stuff for me and talking to me about stuff I've been worrying about.

 

We have talked about the future, not about OUR future TOGETHER, but about what we both want individually, and we want the same things. Except he expects his wife to drive a mini van, while I insist on an SUV, but that's another argument....

 

We broke up because of a couple things: we were both stressed, he thought I was needy, I had a hard time trusting him. We're working on our issues and talking about them, but not into too much detail since he's out of town. I want to talk about this stuff face to face. But another weird thing is, I kinda brought up our break up, and he played it off like it never happened!!! He was just kind of, "What are you talking about?" So that concerns me a little, but I just dropped it.

 

I guess you're all right. I brought it up to him, "What if I want to move?" He said, "You'll just sell it then." So maybe this isn't that big a deal to him. I just got a little upset because I feel like I'm tying myself down to where I live now, and if he isn't prtesting does it mean he doesn't see me in his future? I guess it's too soon to worry about this.

[MARYGIRL]

So she is putting downpayment on it, but you are paying mortgage? Or you are splitting mortgage I am a bit confused about the investment for her, equity for you part I guess! Just curious!

 

 

She's putting the down payment and co-signing, and paying for part of the mortgage. It's still going to be pricey, I'll have a roommate. But at least I won't feel like I'm throwing away $$$ every month in rent!

[renaissancewoman101]

Marygirl, I hope it works out for you. My mom recently talked to me about that issue too. She wants to help me buy a condo out here (San Diego area) in the next few years by putting a down payment down for me and then having me finance the rest. I am seriously considering that, but only after I have a decent and stable job, finish out my masters in teaching, and have some money. Do make sure though that your mother's offer doesnt have any "strings" attached. With me, I am seriously thinking about taking her offer, but part of me is also afraid to because if she helps me out in that way, she will also expect that she can come and stay with me whenever she wants to.

[Momene]

I hate it when people "break up" after a row only to be told they didn;t really mean it.

 

It's a form of emotional blackmail.

[MARYGIRL]

I'm just a little worried that he's thinking I'm "the girl he's dating until THE ONE comes along". My intuition hasn't been quite right for a while now, and I don't feel like I can trust my gut instincts. And my feelings change from minute to mintue! One minute I'll think everything will work out and that he's in this for the long term, then the next I feel like he's not making the effort to make sure there's room for me in his life. This is one of those things. If I buy a condo with my mom, it'll tie me to this part of town. How can there be a future together if I have obligations and responsibilities that will keep me away? What bothers me most, is that he hasn't even brought that up! I talk to him about how I feel like I'll be stuck here, and he comforts me, but doesn't address the real reason I'm upset. Maybe I'm not expressing it as clearly as I should?

 

He's still out of town. And he says all the right things! We've been together for about a year now. Granted we broke up for a couple months, but he came back. I'd think if he was absolutely sure we weren't right for each other, he wouldn't have come back, and we certainly wouldn't have been together this long. He talks about taking a trip to Hawaii and Mexico together, and taking a ski trip this winter. So, I know he sees us together at least through the rest of the year!

 

I'm unsure how to bring this up to him without making him feel pressured. I don't want to get married tomorrow, but that is my ultimate relationship goal, whether it's with him or someone else. I was in a relationship for 5 years and I wish I had realized early on that marriage and family wasn't in the cards for us. I just want to know if he's open to the possibility of marriage in the future. I don't want to be in another relationship for years, just to break up and start over again because he isn't on the same page as me. How can I bring this up, if I even should, without being too pressure-y?

[Momene]

I don't pretend it's easy but I do agree with you that if marriage and family are one of the key goals in your life you don't want to spend years with someone where there's little or no chance of that happening.

 

On the other hand, buying a property is both an exciting and difficult time, so my advice is to settle in first and confront your longer term concerns at a later date. Take a trip with him, that will be a good indicator as well.