Do you absolutely need someone in your life to feel complete?

[benita]

I know in my heart that I need to find happiness within myself before I get into a serious relationship. I have learned from experience that I put up with guys treating me like * * * * as I did not want to be on my own.

 

For the first time in my whole 45 yrs of life, I am now living on my own. I am going thru lots of healing and I need to find myself and be happy with myself. I am not there but I can see a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

I am reading lots of self help books and trying to focus on positives and not negatives.

 

I truly believe that if I can be happy within myself that I will not settle for the guy who I should not be with as I found within my marriage and just coming out of a 2 yr relationship that I WAS A FOOL!!! I STUCK WITH THESE GUYS AND THE EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL ABUSE BECAUSE I DID NOT WANT TO BE ON MY OWN.

[benita]

I know in my heart that I need to find happiness within myself before I get into a serious relationship. I have learned from experience that I put up with guys treating me like * * * * as I did not want to be on my own.

 

For the first time in my whole 45 yrs of life, I am now living on my own. I am going thru lots of healing and I need to find myself and be happy with myself. I am not there but I can see a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

I am reading lots of self help books and trying to focus on positives and not negatives.

 

I truly believe that if I can be happy within myself that I will not settle for the guy who I should not be with as I found within my marriage and just coming out of a 2 yr relationship that I WAS A FOOL!!! I STUCK WITH THESE GUYS AND THE EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL ABUSE BECAUSE I DID NOT WANT TO BE ON MY OWN.

 

I have 2 beautiful daughters who have now grown up and left the nest. Many times I wish I had to wipe their fingerprints of the walls and do their washing and cooking for them.

 

However, I can dwell on that or I can find a new life and guess what mates?

 

this gal is gonna find a new life!!!! Right now I am moving thru the process and each morning I wake up is a day closer to the peace and happiness that I am reaching for within myself.

 

I love this forum, it has helped me heaps and there are some really beautiful and sincere people who hang abt enotalone.

 

I moved into this cute little cottage a few months back and I havnt even finished unpacking. The cottage needs/needed a good clean and I didnt bother with that either. I didnt bother cause my attitude was that "I have no one to unpack for and I have no one to clean for".

 

Hey mates, I am in the process of finishing the unpacking and I am gonna get this place squeaky clean FOR ME!!!!!

 

Its my choice to remain depressed and feel sorry for myself or I can choose to find happiness within myself. When I can smile, mr right will come along and I am now very confident of that happening, however it will not happen until I can be happy within myself.

[benita]

~ sorry abt the repeat in threads..... I hit the wrong thing on the keyboard lol

[Kevin T]

Good for you! I think you're much better off being on your own. Being stuck in an unhappy, abusive relationship is never healthy or good for you. I may be hard to be on your own, but you're so much better off!

 

Although having someone great may be ideal, there's nothing wrong with being on your own to heal and become happy with yourself for now. In fact, it's what is best for you right now. It takes strength to do what you're doing and you have much to be proud of for taking the steps you have!

 

I wish you Godspeed.

[Ozone]

The idea of finding my soulmate, getting serious or married, and hopefully having a child or two is like one of the very few things that keep me going in a life that I feel like I am failing. Ive never been in a serious relationship but I very ready to try. I just havent found anyone yet. I dont think I will ever be complete until I find someone.

[chris2810]

For me I do. Life is boring and empty without someone to share it with. I have my hobbies, friends, family, and activities that can keep me occupied. However it's not the same feeling when you are not spending it with someone.

 

I'm not the clingy type but would love to spend most of my free time with a person I connect with. Finding and sharing/spending the rest of my life with my 'Soulmate' is probably the only way I can die happy in life. If I never do find her then I would feel as if my life never lived up to its happiness.

 

 

I feel the same way!

[kerrymorris81]

I suppose it's time for my two cents.

 

It is true that human beings as a whole desire contact and love, but if that is your sole purpose in being whole, then you a treading down a dangerous path.

 

Hear me out.

 

I think being whole has different levels. You should feel complete and comfortable 'alone' before you seek for completeness in a relationship. Why, you ask? Well, think about it, if you try to find someone to fill yourself without being full alone, when that person leaves, it gonna hurt. Really hurt. You putting all your cards on that person being there and you are setting yourself up for pain.

 

Now, if you feel complete alone and in a relationship, if the person leaves, it still hurts, but not nearly as bad. I have found being someone that used to place my fullness solely on finding the 'one' that feeling complete alone wasn't easy. It can be done, though. The trick is facing your demons. Most of the void is created by insecurities we have. Conquer things you don't like about yourself. It's easier said than done, but it can be done. Once you do this, you'll find that you feel more complete alone and you will have a desire to graduate to the next level.

 

I have done this myself, and while it was hard, it worked. I have spend many nights alone, and now I don't mind it. Do I desire someone to share my time with? I do, but I don't place my entire well being on it. I have found completeness alone, and now I'm seeking to graduate to the next level.

 

I think I have found someone that would really give me a lot of happiness and I'm just taking things slow. I do admit I have a hard time with the opposite sex, and it may not work out, but if it doesn't, its okay. It's gonna hurt, but there is someone out there for all of us and we'll all eventually find that person. So, for now, I'm just enjoying myself and taking it one day at a time.

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

I'm happy for you and hope you do find someone or at the very least, remain complete.

 

I noticed you used the word 'alone' alot during your post. But I also noticed you didn't use one word that is key here: Lonely.

 

Some people are lonely in spurts. Others, like myself, are lonely 24/7/365. There are those like us who are reminded everyday about how lonely we are. It's all around us. And especially for those like me, in their 30s, who has never had a relationship and is heart broken more and more everyday, especially when you feel unattractive and think that love is a galaxy away.

 

I just can't fathom being happy or content alone anymore.

 

Perhaps if I was an asexual creature.

 

Perhaps if I love sharing success with me and only me.

 

Perhaps if I love watching others experienceing that which I never had.

 

Perhaps if I wasn't so lonely.

 

But that's just me. I may be the minority, but I know I'm not alone.

 

Except in love.

[bulletproof]

If you truly feel lonely, a mate won't cure that. Lonliness comes from within. If it could be cured by others, then how do people feel lonely within a marriage? And a person can have a lot of friends and still feel lonely.

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

If you truly feel lonely, a mate won't cure that. Lonliness comes from within. If it could be cured by others, then how do people feel lonely within a marriage? And a person can have a lot of friends and still feel lonely.

Than can be true, but that is not always the case. Companionship can negate loneliness when companionship is not currently present. If the person still feels lonely after gaining companionship, then he/she needs to work on their inner self. I've felt lonely with friends, mostly because I was depressed about myself and they could not help me and I felt all alone in this big world, not fitting in so to speak. That was back then, though. Now, that's not the case. I guess we can separate the types of lonliness. Love Loneliness vs. Inner Loneliness.

[bulletproof]

Love loneliness is inner loneliness. You've stated that you've never had a love relationship, so how can you know that the lonliness wouldn't follow you into one?

 

The point is that you won't find what you're seeking (a romantic relationship) if loneliness is the motivator. To bring it full circle to what this thread is about, if a person enters into a relationship with someone in order to feel whole, chances are, that person will be very disappointed.

[benita]

thank you Kevin for your words of encouragement, its difficult for me right now, so so so very difficult, I try hard to put on a brave face but hurt within.... however..... I do know that I have to do this.... I know deep in my heart that after i go thru the loneliness I feel right now.... I will FIND ME... and when that happens.. I will be happy again.

 

So many times people have told me and I have read that you cannot be in a relationship until you are happy within yourself.

 

I have men interested in me.. however, I have made it clear to alll of them that I am only friends right now. They come over for dinner and stuff like that but they respect what I have asked for and not one of them has tried to take it further as I have been so strong in enforcing the "friends only" part.

 

I miss the fingerprints on the walls and the piles of washing from my kids, I miss having a partner to cuddle up to at night, I miss the Sunday drives, the camping trips... I miss so very much but I am getting there.. I am finding that if I count the hours in a day.. the lonely parts of the day are getting smaller as I start to find peace and happiness within myself

 

Its been a tough road for me but I WILL GET THERE AS I AM DETERMINED TOO~~

 

forums like this are so very cool, to help people deal with stuff

 

take care every single one of you and each morn when you wake up... you have to say to yourself - I am going to have a positive day

 

I look at nature and smile as I love nature

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

I think you can be happy alone if you choose to be alone. Right now I am lonely, but not by choice.

[bulletproof]

You can be happy alone if you choose to be happy.

[Kevin T]

I agree, but I disagree.

 

Sure, you can delude yourself into being "happy", in the sense that you can choose to deny the facts that you really desire to be in a loving, committed relationship with somone and that you have a normal, nature desire for companionship, and go on pretending that your God-given desires and needs (both emotional and physical) are not there.

 

But, is that really "happiness?" Living in a world of delusion and denying reality? In my opinion, no. (Bear in mind, that is simply MY opinion, so it is not a concrete fact.)

 

But I just see little value in ignoring such important needs and desires just to try and delude one's self into living a lie.

 

However, some people are perfectly content being on their own - they LOVE it! And God bless those people. There's nothing wrong with that.

[bulletproof]

I don't delude myself for one minute. Of course I would like to be in a relationship. But that desire doesn't make or break my overall, general happiness. It can't, because if I let it, then I'm in a big pile of trouble if that relationship ends, which I found out the hard way.

 

There are plenty of things I want in life. And I have to work on getting them. If it's a better job I desire, I study, practice, send out resumes, whatever it takes. If it's a serious relationship I desire, I constantly find ways to improve myself and my life so that I am someone that I myself would want to date.

 

I'm not pretending anything. I fulfill needs in the best way I can, right now. I don't ignore them. My point is not to pretend your happy, but to work to find genuine happiness in something other than a relationship. And that goes for any relationship, be it friends, family or romantic.

 

There is no denial of reality here. If anything, I am living in reality, by accepting what the situation is now and working within the parameters, instead of putting my personal happiness on hold until someone comes along to share it. I believe it's a lot more unrealistic to think someone is going to save you from loneliness.

[babybo0]

I don't know about other people but i think you don't need anyone but yourself in your life to be complete. People come in and out of YOUR life...but YOU always there with yourself. I think it's important to feel complete...because other people can see that you are a content and a complete person and they will be attracted to you. So first thing people need to do is to feel secure and complete around themselfs.

[benita]

I know that I am not happy but I DO KNOW that I need to find happiness within myself and find out who I am before I can give 100% to that man of my life who I KNOW WILL COME ALONG after I find peace within myself.

 

how can I give to a guy when I have so much emotional baggage weighing me down? I need to forgive men who have hurt me, I need to forgive and get over the abuse I went thru both physically and emotionally before I am able to go forward in a HEALTHY relationship.

 

I get very lonely at times but I am finding as the weeks go by that the depression is getting less and the smiley face on me is starting to happen.

 

I am reading lots of self help books and doing lots of research online to help myself.

 

How can I give in a relationship if I am a tearful, nervous blubbbering wreck? Its not possible and it would not be fair to any male to have to put up with that.

 

I am determined to get over this.. I had my ex husband threaten to kill me, he even sent my daughter txt msges and emails saying he wanted to kill me because I left him after yrs of abuse and him cheating on me.

 

I then went into another relationship and got a simular type of deal..... I am getting over him now.

 

I do know that never ever again will I be with a male just for the sake of being with a male. I also know their are many good, decent and honest men out there in the world and I will find the one for me after I release all the emotional baggage I have

 

I have done the nervous breakdown, I have done the drinking (and still do to a certain degree but not like before) I am STRONG, I AM INVINSIBLE, I AM WOMAN ... is what I say to myself each day. As I drive to work each morning I used to say "I am not going to have a negative day" BUT last week I figured that I am using a negative word in that statement so now I say each morn as I drive to work that I AM GOING TO HAVE A POSITIVE DAY

[sidehop]

Nope.

 

But with the right person? Yes.

[Kevin T]

So, you refuse to allow your "happiness" to rest on another person out of FEAR that they won't be able to stick by you through thick and thin?

 

I agree that being happy should encompass ALL areas of one's life, but for many people (especially the romantic genre, such as myself and many others here), it's not enough. I HAVE great friends and an awesome and supportive, loving set of parents. But it's not enough. I still have that deep-seated desire to have an even more intimate relationship. So, for those who can be completely content and satisfied being single, my hat goes off to you. But for many, like me, we are not so easily satisfied and demand more.

 

And, as has already been covered, there are many types of loneliness. Mine has nothing to do with lack of interpersonal relationships and connections, nor does it simply arise because I don't like myself. Quite the contrary, in fact (just ask most of the people who know me best and they'll tell you how egocentric I can be! lol)

[bulletproof]

Fear has absolutely nothing to do with it. I refuse to depend on someone else for my happiness because that is a terrible burden to put on another human being, not to mention beyond selfish. It is my responsibility alone to make myself happy. I rarely play the age card, but at 35 and after several long-term relationships, I know for a fact that placing happiness in someone else's hands doesn't work. Just like parents shouldn't have children to make themselves happy, just like we shouldn't expect our friends or family to make our own lives something more.

 

I am not completely content and happy being single. I desire a relationship very much. But, as stated here before, there is a difference between desiring something and needing something. The question by the original poster was whether we needed a relationship to feel complete.

 

Be careful not to confuse romantic nature with neediness. I am as romantic as they come but that doesn't mean what I have in my life isn't enough. It has to be enough, because this is how things are right now. While it's great to always be striving for more, I would hate to wake up at eighty years of age and think how I put being happy on hold because I didn't have a boyfriend.

[Kevin T]

bulletproof, I understand what you're saying. "Make the best of a bad situation", or maybe making a virtue of necessity is a better term to use.

 

I don't really agree with you, but I'm not about to change your mind, nor will you change mine. So let's just agree to disagree, all right? lol

 

 

[bulletproof]

That isn't what I'm saying at all, but you are right when you say I will never convince you of the real message. So be it.

[kryptik0]

Humans are not made to be alone. Loneliness is one of the things we cannot deal with on a permanant basis.

[Juha]

Loneliness will eat you up if you let it...

 

I affects you physically and mentally very much...

 

Loneliness will shorten your life span...